Author: Marvo

(Editor’s Note: To get the full effect of today’s review, you must read it like you’re an evil scientist. Trust me, the review will be better.)

SUDOKU!!!

You taunt me with your numbers and blank boxes, making me spend hours trying to figure out your mysterious ways. The pressure of trying to solve you permeates from my body into my pencil’s eraser and then into weak newspaper paper, causing it to tear, along with my hopes and dreams of solving the mystery that is you.

You look so easy to do, but are difficult like William Faulkner novels and making women orgasm.

Despite all that time spent, I have yet to solve one of you, and you are now on my list of things I have yet to solve, which grows longer every year.

This list includes: the Rubik’s Cube, a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of kittens, a crossword puzzle on the back of a Denny’s paper place mat, a word find puzzle on a Frosted Flakes box I opened in 1993, and the Da Vinci Code.

But I feel your days are numbered, Sudoku. For I have the key to unlocking your mysteries. It is the Staples Easy Button, which will make quick work of your numeric ways. For I have seen its power and it is magnificent.

Just by pressing the Staples Easy Button, entire offices have been cleaned, ink cartridges have fallen from the sky, and the Great Wall of China can instantly pop out of the ground.

It is as powerful as the fortune-telling Magic 8 Ball, which has accurately predicted on many occasions that I will not get laid.

It was difficult trying to find the elusive Staples Easy Button. For the Staples online store has been sold out for months. I thought, if only I had a Staples Easy Button to make it easier to find a Staples Easy Button. However, I ended up doing something much easier…eBay.

It was well worth the $4.75 plus $4.99 shipping to have the opportunity to see you unraveled, Sudoku. Now with one press of this Staples Easy Button, all your answers will be revealed!

(Presses Staples Easy Button)

“That was easy.”

What? Where are the answers?

(Presses Staples Easy Button again)

“That was easy.”

Why won’t you show me the answers, Staples Easy Button?

(Presses it again)

“That was easy.”

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The Staples Easy Button doesn’t work!

You may have won this battle, but you have yet to win the war, Sudoku. I shall unlock your mysteries someday.

SUDOKU!!!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Muneer for letting me know about the Staples Easy Button. If only it could truly make my life easier.)


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Item: Staples Easy Button
Price: $4.75 (plus shipping)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Says “That was easy” when button is pushed. Batteries included. Nice novelty item to have on your desk at work. Kittens. Frosted Flakes.
Cons: Totally ineffective in making things easy. It can’t even make Paris Hilton easier. Not available at Staples online store. Can easily annoy those around you if pressed too many times. My inability to solve a sudoku, figure out a Rubik’s Cube, put together a jigsaw puzzle, and make women orgasm. William Faulkner novels.

I can hear the cries from non-Listerine users who are afraid to use it.

“Wah! Wah! I can’t handle Listerine because it burns! I’m a little wuss, that can’t handle anything and I need my mommy to hold my hand, or else I’m going to cry like a little baby.”

“Oh, woe is me, I can handle the burn of vodka down my throat, the wailing of Michael Bolton in my ears, but I can’t handle Listerine in my mouth.”

When I was growing up, the kids on the playground had names for weaklings who couldn’t handle things like the burning sensation of Listerine. Those names included, “scaredy cat,” “the first one out in dodgeball,” “pussy,” and “Marvo.”

Sure, I didn’t like the burn of Listerine, but I sucked it up, grew some balls, and got used to it. That’s how it is with Listerine, people eventually get used to the pain. Although I will admit that this technique doesn’t work with everything, like watching Jay Leno.

Now thanks to the less intense Vanilla Mint Listerine, weaklings can use this Listerine to kill germs that cause bad breath, plaque, and the gum disease Gingivitis, without it feeling like they’ve just made out with Courtney Love’s cigarette or Courtney Love herself.

It maybe about 30% to 50% less intense than normal Listerine, but according to the bottle, it’s equally effective. However, it maybe equally effective factually, but personally, it doesn’t feel like it’s equally effective.

One of the great things about the original Listerine – and its various minty forms – was that intense burning sensation, which felt like it not only killed the germs that caused bad breath, but also a few tastebuds and saliva glands.

The burn is the indicator that lets you know it’s working. The more it burns, I feel the harder it’s working. Honestly, if you found yourself one morning next to a strobelight honey or a beer goggle prince, wouldn’t you want something that has the power to disinfect regret and get rid of the taste of whatever you put your mouth on and around.

I think only the full-burning sensation of Listerine, and its equally intense minty counterparts, could provide that type of cleansing. Oh, alcohol would work as well, but the danger of alcohol would be drinking too much of it, ending up in bed the next morning with another strobelight honey or beer goggle prince, and repeating the Circle of Shame.

The less intense Vanilla Mint Listerine was mintalicious, but not very vanillalicious. Its very light vanilla flavor made me wonder why Listerine bothered to put it there in the first place. The Crest Whitening Expressions Refreshing Vanilla Mint I reviewed was much more vanilly.

Anyway, the bottom line is that if you’re a wuss, then the Vanilla Mint Listerine is better for your weak ass mouth.

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Item: Vanilla Mint Listerine
Purchased Price: $3.54 (8.5-ounces)
Purchased At: The-Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Mintalicious. Less intense for wusses. Kills germs that cause bad breath, plaque, and the gum disease Gingivitis.
Cons: Not vanillalicious. Not intense enough for extreme people. Making up adjectives. Always being the first one out in dodgeball. Strobelight honeys. Beer goggle princes. Circle of Shame.

It seems like every time I wear one of my shirts from Threadless, women want to look at my chest.

They’ll say, “What does your shirt say?” or “I’m just reading your shirt.” But I know that it’s just some excuse to look at my chest. It’s so obvious.

I feel so cheap and dirty. I feel more like an object, than a person.

Hey women, I’m up here, not down there. The last time I checked, my chest can’t hold a conversation.

I guess the least they could do is be a little more secretive when staring at my chest, like wear sunglasses or make strategically placed holes through a newspaper.

I’m not a piece of meat. I’m not their Brad Pitt to ogle and drool over. I have feelings, beliefs, dreams, compassion, intelligence, and a heart in this body of mine. There’s more to me than just my chest.

I wonder how women would like it if I stared at their chests?

Wondering if they’re fake or real?

Wondering if their nipples are pierced?

Wondering if they would like it if I said, “honk, honk,” while squeezing their chest?

Wondering if they like having their nipples twisted like they were radio dials?

I bet women definitely wouldn’t like it if I stared at their chests.

Although I will admit, my chest is probably my best physical feature. If you saw the rest of me, you’d probably agree. I guess doing five pushups a day has really helped. Although, my chest is only my best feature when I have it covered with a shirt. Without a shirt…Well, let’s just say, you really don’t want to see that, especially if you’ve eaten something.

Now some of you maybe thinking that I should stop wearing the Threadless shirts so that women won’t have an excuse to look at my chest, but I like these shirts because some of them are really clever and funny. But it’s not just clever and funny shirts, there are also very cute, artsy, meaningful, and unusual shirts at Threadless. Although, those are usually too hip for me and would probably draw even more attention to my chest.

At Threadless, shirt designs are submitted by talented, mostly unknown designers and artists from all over and Threadless members get to vote for the shirt designs that will be printed. It’s like American Idol, except without Paula Abdul’s weird clapping and Simon Cowell’s asshole-ness.

Shirts cost $15 each, plus shipping, but several times per year Threadless has a $10 sale on all their shirts to get rid of older stock. Speaking of stock, all the shirts that Threadless prints are limited-edition. So if they run out of a particular design, it’s usually gone for good, unless a whole bunch of people ask for another printing of the shirt.

Since I won’t stop wearing Threadless shirts, I guess I’ll let women continue to stare at my chest, but I still don’t approve of it. Hopefully, women will grow to appreciate what’s inside, instead of what’s on the outside.

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Item: Threadless.com
Purchased Price: $15 per shirt (Except during the $10 sale)
Purchased At: Threadless
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Very original designs, created by some very talented unknown people. Semi annual $10 sale. Appreciating someone for what’s on the inside. My chest with a shirt.
Cons: Some shirts are just too hip for me. Women staring at my chest. Being an object of desire rather than of a person of intelligence. Asshole-ness. My chest without a shirt.