REVIEW: Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad

Wendy's Mediterranean Chicken Salad

When I think of classy things, I think of fine wine, Gwyneth Paltrow, and feta cheese.

Feta is one of those “special” cheeses not found with the trailer trash cheeses like American, cheddar, swiss, mozzarella, and, of course, Velveeta, which is as classy as shiny, spinning hubcaps.

Feta cheese is usually located in the deli area near other cheeses with funny names, like asiago, gorgonzola, taleggio, limburger, and smelofarts.

Now I record a lot of shows on Food Network because I need to add more material to my never ending loop of Rachael Ray shows playing at my Rachael Ray shrine.

While fast forwarding through all the parts that don’t have Rachael Ray, I noticed that a lot of the chefs on the Food Network use feta cheese on a lot of things, like salads, pizzas, and pastas. Those chefs really like feta cheese and are very liberal with it, like strippers are with cocoa butter lotion.

Well it seems the chefs in the Wendy’s kitchen also have been watching a lot of the Food Network because they put a nice crumbled heaping of feta cheese on their new Mediterranean Chicken Salad.

Besides the feta cheese, the Mediterranean Chicken Salad comes with herb-seasoned chicken chunks, iceberg lettuce, Romaine lettuce, red leaf lettuce, grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, red onion rings, and a package of red wine vinaigrette dressing.

Putting all of that together made for a pretty good tasting and decent sized salad. The feta cheese and the vinaigrette dressing gave the salad a nice tangy kick. The vegetables for the most part looked fresh, although I was disappointed that there was a lot of iceberg lettuce, which has as little redeeming value as the new Britney Spears reality show, “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.”

Despite the goodness that I discovered in the Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad, there were a few things I wish Wendy’s had done to it. For example, I think it would’ve been nice if the herb-seasoned chicken chunks were warmed up, because I’m slightly afraid of cold chicken.

However, my biggest problem was having to toss my salad, which is a pretty hard thing to do because I’m kind of uncoordinated and not very flexible.

If you look at the picture above, you’ll notice that all the feta cheese is on one side of the bowl, all the chicken is in the center of the bowl, and the cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes are all in their own respective cliques.

It’s like the feta cheese are the preppy kids, the pieces of chicken are the jocks, the cucumbers are the band geeks, the onions are the nerds, and the tomatoes are the goth kids. This kind of separation may work well in high school, but it doesn’t work well with a salad.

It would’ve been nice if the salad was pre-tossed, so I wouldn’t have to go through the trouble, pain, and mess of tossing my salad.


Item: Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Decent sized. High in Vitamin A & C. Feta cheese makes me feel classy.
Cons: High in sodium. Chicken was cold. Lots of iceberg lettuce. Forced to toss my salad.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad

McDonald's Fruit & Walnut Salad

Where are your balls, McDonald’s?

Hardee’s comes out with the Monster Thickburger, Burger King releases the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, and you introduce the Fruit & Walnut Salad?

It’s like Cadillac introducing a bigger, eight-door Escalade with spinning wheels, Hummer selling a heavier, boxier H3 with tank tracks, and Ford coming out with another Pinto.

The combination of apple slices, red grapes, candied walnuts, and low-fat yogurt dipping sauce was pretty decent, but where’s the gluttony?

I know you’re trying to be more healthy, but couldn’t you have tried to make it overly healthy?

You could’ve made it the Xtreme Fruit & Walnut Mammoth Salad, which would contain insane amounts of things that are good for you, like dietary fiber, vitamins, and minerals.

I’m not talking about one sliced apple, a handful of grapes, a small airplane snack-sized bag of candied walnuts, and a small cup of fat-free yogurt that I got with the regular Fruit & Walnut Salad.

I’m talking about a whole bushel of apples, enough yogurt to dip your head into, enough red grapes to make your own bottle of wine, and enough nuts to prevent the lemmings from jumping into the ocean.

All of that in a deep, gigantic bowl that just barely fits through the drive-thru window and makes your automobile tip over like the slab of dinosaur ribs does during the ending credits of the Flintstones.

All of that has to contain enough dietary fiber to make my bowel movements so irregular that I might need adult diapers, enough calcium to make my bones stronger than adamantium, and enough antioxidants to make me feel like I could survive a few years of living a hardcore rockstar lifestyle with excessive booze, drugs, and women.

Also, why are there only two types of fruit in the Fruit & Walnut Salad? If a Monster Thickburger can have several slices of cheese, why can’t the Fruit & Walnut Salad have several types of fruit? Maybe some mangoes, lychee, pears, cantaloupes, and strawberries.

Anyway, despite the McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad not being gluttonous enough, it was a decent meal. The candied walnuts are what really makes this salad tasty, so if you’re allergic to nuts, I’d suggest you pass on the Fruit & Walnut Salad, unless you’re feeling dangerous.

(Editor’s Note: If you’re allergic to nuts and are feeling dangerous, The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for any allergic reaction caused by you feeling dangerous.)

Item: McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad
Purchase Price: $3.29
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Decent taste. Healthy. Good source of dietary fiber. Low sodium. Better tasting and looking than a Ford Pinto.
Cons: Tastes better with walnuts, which is bad for those who are allergic to them. Weak variety of fruits. Not enormous, monster, or gluttonous enough. Not overly healthy.

REVIEW: Star Wars Twisted Cheetos

Star Wars Twisted Cheetos

I’m disappointed with these Star Wars Twisted Cheetos.

Not because of the taste, because they taste great just like regular Cheetos. Also, not because they make my fingers a cheesy mess, because I like to clean my fingers by sucking on them after eating Cheetos.

I’m disappointed because I was hoping the Star Wars Twisted Cheetos would tell me that I belong on the Dark Side of the Force. Instead they told me I’m on the good side of the Force.

So how did the Star Wars Twisted Cheetos tell me I belong on the good side of the Force?

When you eat a bag of Star Wars Twisted Cheetos, which look like normal Cheetos, they will either turn your tongue Yoda Green (good side) or Darth Vader Dark (Dark Side). I bought two bags of it and both of them turned my tongue green, meaning I’m a good guy.

Some of you maybe thinking that this is a good thing, but I REALLY wanted to be on the Dark Side of the Force, because women love bad boys.

Look at Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe. Both bad boys and both loved by women all over the world.

So I guess it’s true that nice guys do finish last. Well I’m tired of being a nice guy and I’ve decided to be a bad boy so I can get all the women to like me.

First, I’m going to get myself a tattoo and get a couple body parts pierced. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo of a dragon on my back and a Prince Albert (Warning: Link not safe for work.) because those things would really make me a bad boy.

Then I’m going to get me a motorcycle, because women love bad boys on motorcycles, no matter how ugly the guy is. Either a nice Harley-Davidson or maybe a street bike. Also, I’m not going to buy a helmet, because I’m a bad boy and I live my life on the edge, baby!

Ooh, I also have to get drunk at a bar, get into a fight, and get arrested by the police. When they arrest me, I have to be dragged because a bad boy would disrespect authority. If the cops beat me, I’ll just tell them, “Naw, that didn’t hurt. Do it again!” That’s what a bad boy would say.

Oh wait. I forgot.

I can’t get a tattoo or a body piercing because I HATE needles and I have a very low threshold for pain. I can’t get a motorcycle because apparently they don’t come with training wheels. I can’t get drunk because I’m usually the designated driver. I can’t get into a fight because I’m such a wuss that I’ll probably get knocked out by a midget.

I wonder what else I could do to be a bad boy?

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to MSNBC blogger and occasional Impulsive Buy reader Gael Cooper for introducing me to Star Wars Twisted Cheetos.)
Item: Star Wars Twisted Cheetos
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delicious just like Cheetos. Licking my cheesy fingers. Makes your tongue temporarily change color.
Cons: I don’t belong to the Dark Side of the Force. I’ll never become a bad boy. The pain from a Prince Albert.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Star Wars Cereal

Star Wars Cereal

With Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith opening tomorrow, The Impulsive Buy decided to review a product that promotes Star Wars. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Products that promote Star Wars? If there’s one movie that doesn’t need promotional products it’s Star Wars.

Star Wars needs promotion like we need another movie with Paris Hilton. Both are very unnecessary.

Anyway, there are literally hundreds of Star Wars-related products available and deciding which one to review was a hard choice. However, I decided to review Star Wars Cereal because there are marshmallows in it. Yahtzee!

The Impulsive Buy was fortunate to interview Jedi Master Yoda for this review, who just so happened to be on the front of the Star Wars Cereal box I bought.

TIB: Yoda, thank you for agreeing to do this interview.

Yoda: Conan O’Brien you are not.

TIB: Sorry, I’m not.

Yoda: Interviews, doing too many I am. Keeping track I cannot. Fire agent I will.

TIB: Anyway, so how does it feel to have your face on a box of Star Wars cereal?

Yoda: Many things my face is on. Cereal box, potato chips, pencils, candy, endless the list is. Prostituted me Lucas has. On the back of adult diapers, if my face appeared, surprised I would not be.

TIB: You also have a marshmallow in the Star Wars Cereal. Isn’t that pretty cool?

Yoda: Seen the Yoda marshmallow have you? Look like me it does not. Blind Kellogg’s must be. Also, Darth Vader marshmallow, blue it is. Even with eyes over 900 years old, the color of Darth Vader I can see.

TIB: I’ve tried the cereal and I thought it tasted pretty good, like Lucky Charms. Did you try it and what did you think of it?

Yoda: Yes, years ago cereal I have tried. Like it I did.

TIB: Years ago?

Yoda: With lightsaber fight scene with Count Dooku in Attack of the Clones help me it did. Without sugar in cereal, bounce off walls and spin around I could not. To get me hyper, in this small body, not much sugar it takes.

TIB: So the Star Wars Cereal is a limited edition cereal. Can you use your Jedi powers to determine if it will be worth anything in the future?

Yoda: On eBay you wish to sell?

TIB: Yes.

Yoda: Jedi powers for profit? Use I will not. But Britney’s first child, typical trailer trash it will become.

TIB: It doesn’t take the Force to figure that out, Yoda.

Yoda: Hmm…True that is.

TIB: Now on the back of the cereal box, puzzles there are. Dammit, Yoda! Talking like you, I am!

Yoda: No, Jedi mind trick that was. No Jedi powers for profit, but Jedi powers for entertainment, another story that is.

TIB: Well I know you’re busy, so here’s my last question. The last two Star Wars movies weren’t very good. Is the last movie any good?

Yoda: Last two movies, my fault it was not. Puppet I am. Act better than Hayden Christensen in first two movies I did. Besides, watch it you will anyway, because last Star Wars movie it is.

TIB: True. Well Yoda, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to visit with us.

Yoda: Welcome, you are.

Item: Star Wars Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.97
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasted like Lucky Charms. Puzzles on the back of box were easy. Limited edition cereal. It may be worth more than retail price someday.
Cons: Yoda and Darth Vader marshmallows don’t look like them. Hayden Christensen’s acting in the first two Star Wars prequels. Revenge of the Sith is the last Star Wars movie.

REVIEW: Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo

Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo

I think I might be the last person on the face of the Earth to try the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. But I guess I should be used to jumping late on the bandwagon, like I did with Hypercolor clothes, Razor scooters, calculator wristwatches, acid washed jeans, and the second coming of the yo-yo.

I’m surprised that I’m not still living in the 1990s. Thank you VH1, for showing me what is no longer cool. Now where the hell were you in high school?

Anyway, I finally got onto the bandwagon again when I tried the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo, which is slightly different than the original. It has a blue absorbent layer on one side, which is used to wipe up things like a normal sponge.

If you’ve never used a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, it’s very simple to use. Just wet it like a sponge, squeeze out the excess water, and wipe away dirt and grime. Also, if you’ve never used a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, you’re even more uncool than I am.

So for this review I’ve decided to also write a poem, which is very familiar to the Oscar Mayer wiener song, because I’ve had that song in my head all day for some strange reason. Enjoy.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a source of fuel.
A source that could run my car for months, weeks, days, or hours.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a source of fuel,
I wouldn’t need to spend $2.45 a gallon on my car’s power.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a source of fuel,
But it got rid of the stubborn Gatorade stains on my kitchen counter.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a sledgehammer,
With huge iron spikes that were dipped in poison or hydrochloric acid.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a sledgehammer,
I’d use it on those damn German spammers and turn their hands flaccid.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a sledgehammer,
But it easily erased an hour-old Sharpie pen mark that was quite massive.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a TV studio executive,
With the power to cancel any show when ratings begin to drop.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a TV studio executive,
Reality TV would be gone, giving people 15 minutes of fame has to stop.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a TV studio executive,
But it got rid of all the crap that was on my white electric stove top.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a dominatrix,
With a whip, stiletto heels, and dressed in a leather and chain suit.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a dominatrix,
I’d want her to tie me down and step on my face with her leather boot.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a dominatrix,
But it erased what’s in between my shower’s tiles without me being brute.

Item: Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo
Purchase Price: $4.99 (4-pack)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Many uses. Easy to use. Magically got rid of stuff without much effort.
Cons: Slightly pricey.