Author: Marvo

Colgate 360 Toothbrush

Marvo 42 Comments

Colgate 360

My dentist once explained to me, “Toothbrushes are like hookers. Cheap ones will get the job done. The more expensive ones will have all their teeth and will also get the job done, except you have to pay a little bit more for some extra tricks.”

No, wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Oh, yeah. It was, “Toothbrushes are like cars. The cheap ones will get the job done and the more expensive ones will get the job done just as well.”

On second thought, I liked the hooker version better.

Anyway, I’ve been trying out the new Colgate 360 Toothbrush for the past couple of weeks. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I didn’t like the idea of spending over three dollars for ONE toothbrush, but there was something about the Colgate 360 Toothbrush that intrigued me.

That something was the built-in tongue cleaner, which seems like a typical marketing gimmick, like Valentine’s Day and the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. However, some people with lab coats, clipboards, and the title “Dr.” in front of their names say that the buildup of bacteria on the tongue is one of the causes of bad breath.

They also say another cause of bad breath is salad tossing.

After using the tongue cleaner, I can’t really tell if it’s taking off anything, even though it feels like I’m rubbing Velcro on my tongue.

However, perhaps the reason why it’s not taking off anything is because the instructions on the Colgate website say I should brush my tongue for ten seconds, but when I brushed my tongue, I spent seven seconds of the time gagging.

I was totally disappointed in myself. I can deep throat a banana, but brushing my tongue makes me gag? I have learned NOTHING!

Usually if I want to clean my tongue, I take a spoon and scrape it, which I read about in some magazine. It works well because when I’m done scraping, I can actually see the crap I just took off and wonder if it’s the reason why women from Arab countries cover their faces when they’re around me.

Other features of the Colgate 360 Toothbrush include the several types and lengths of bristles, which are arranged very similar to crop circles made by UFOs.

Colgate 360 Video

There’s also comfortable gel padding in the middle of the toothbrush’s shaft, where most people hold their toothbrushes. Unfortunately, the gel padding is useless to me because I hold my toothbrushes like I hold my knives to cut those who mess with my hoes.

Overall, the Colgate 360 Toothbrush will get the job done as well as any other toothbrush. All the features, like the tongue cleaner and the gel padding are nice, but unnecessary because you can use a spoon to clean your tongue and I’ve never heard of anyone getting carpal tunnel syndrome from brushing their teeth.

For a person like me, who changes his toothbrush every three months, spending three bucks for a toothbrush can get semi-expensive over a year. So the Colgate 360 Toothbrush breaks my only rule when buying toothbrushes, “If it’s cheaper to buy a rock of crack than the toothbrush, the toothbrush is too expensive.”

Item: Colgate 360 Toothbrush
Purchase Price: $3.22
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Semi-useful tongue cleaner and gel padding. Crop circle bristles.
Cons: Overpriced, more expensive than a rock of crack. Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. Brushing my tongue makes me gag. Messing with my hoes.

July Prize Drawing!!!

Marvo 66 Comments

The other week I reviewed the new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, which I received from Impulsive Buy reader, Robert, who has Trojan Condoms as a client at the public relations firm he works at.

Now he sent me several boxes of the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms and a couple of boxes of the Trojan Warm Sensation Condoms, which is way too many boxes for me, since the extent of my love life right now involves me occasionally grinding my body pillow and calling it Winona.

So I have an excess of condoms, or as I like to call them, “Baby Blockers” or “VD Defenders.” Because I’m tired of using them as water balloons and my body pillow has no chance of getting pregnant, I’ve decided to give away the extra boxes of condoms.

This month, two lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive ONE brand new box of Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms and another reader will receive a brand new box of Trojan Warm Sensation Condoms.

Holy crap! I feel like Planned Parenthood…or a condom dispenser in a seedy bar restroom.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Blow me” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Or, if you think I like comments just to satisfy my fragile ego, you can also enter by sending me an email with the phrase “Blow me” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, you must fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, July 12, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, July 17, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, and Canada. (Sorry to the rest of the world.)

To determine the winners, the email of each person who enters will be printed on a small piece of paper and dropped into an unrolled Trojan Mint Tingle Condom. I will then blow up the condom like a balloon, using various oral techniques.

Then I will shake the condom to mix the entries and then pop the condom using something long and hard, like a screwdriver, causing the entries to fall to the floor. The first two entries I pick up will be the winners of the Mint Tingle condoms and the third entry I pick up will be the winner of the Warm Sensation condoms.

I know. I know. It would’ve been easier to just stick them in a jar, shake the jar, and pull the winners out from the jar, but I got to say “oral,” “long and hard,” and “screwdriver.”

Good luck!

Fine Print: Bananas and sex partners not included. The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about a teen getting her first facial cumshot. The Impulsive Buy also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you a letter from a bank telling you that you’re pre-qualified for a $10,000 loan. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, pregnancy, or the spread of STDs.

Natural Lay’s Sea Salted Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

Marvo 32 Comments

Lay's Sea Salted Potato Chips

After opening a bag of Natural Lay’s Sea Salted Kettle Cooked Potato Chips and smelling them, I felt eating them on my living room’s couch, while watching ESPN SportsCenter, in my stretched-out, four-year old Late Show with David Letterman t-shirt and surf shorts was not the right atmosphere to consume this bag of chips.

So I closed the bag, sealed it with a Chip Clip, and headed out the door.

About 20 minutes later, I found myself sitting in the middle of a crowded beach, surrounded by imported sand, beautiful women in bikinis, children laughing, and many failed attempts at sand castles. I breathed deeply and let the salty air, mixed with various scents of sunscreens and tanning lotions, fill my lungs.

“Aaah, this is a much more appropriate place to enjoy these chips,” I said to myself, as a bronzed blond in a string bikini passed by. “Even the sand in my crack feels right.”

I removed the Chip Clip and reopened the bag of Natural Lay’s Sea Salted Kettle Cooked Potato Chips and began chowing them down.

These chips were very different from your normal Lay’s potato chips. First off, they were noticeably thicker and crunchier. They were so crunchy that they actually drowned out part of the argument some couple next to me were having about how his eyes were wandering around the beach looking at all the other women.

However, I REALLY wished the crunchiness could have somehow drowned out the accidental sight of seeing a hairy, overweight guy wearing a blue Speedo coming out of the water, with either pubic hairs or the legs of dead spiders sticking out from behind his Speedo.

Ugh! I think that image will forever be etched onto my brain, but at least I found out the hard way that the water was cold.

The chips were pretty good and were a nice golden brown, but they weren’t as good or as golden brown as the cute Asian girl who was tanning to the left of me in a skimpy yellow floral bikini.

I would’ve gone and talked to her, but my paleness would’ve made us look like a set of salt and pepper shakers, and her buff, golden brown boyfriend next to her would’ve kicked my ass.

Besides being thick, crunchy, and golden brown, another thing that made these chips good was the sea salt, which gave the chips a nice salty taste that you could actually see on each chip.

Finally, the last thing I liked about these chips was the fact that there were no preservatives, no added colors, and nothing artificial. I wish I could’ve said the same for a trio of college girls that were walking up and down the beach, because their six slightly bouncing boobs looked totally fake.

Well at least the image of six fake boobs wrote over the image of the overweight guy in a Speedo.

Item: Natural Lay’s Sea Salted Kettle Cooked Potato Chips
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Pretty good. Thick. Crunch. Nothing artificial, like fake boobs.
Cons: Kind of pricey for the size. Overweight guys in Speedos. Sand in my crack.

Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme

Marvo 42 Comments

Peanut Butter Creme Double Stuf Oreo

When I was little, I used to think the Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney song Ebony and Ivory was about Oreo cookies. I would sing the chorus of the song over and over as I separated the white creme from the chocolate cookies and placed them in separate piles.

Of course, when I got older, I learned the song was about comparing people of different ethnicities to the keys on a piano.

Although, now that I think about it, the song might have also been a plea by the two singers to stop Michael Jackson from getting any whiter. Of course, we all know how that ended and we all probably wish someone would write a song to stop Jacko from molesting children.

Over the years, Oreo cookies have had different variations, like Double Stuf Oreos, with a double portion of filling and half the F’s; Uh-Oh! Oreos, with vanilla flavored cookies and chocolate creme; and One Bad Mutha Oreos, with chocolate cookies, chocolate creme, and dipped in chocolate.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader, Janet, let me know about the new Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme cookies, which have chocolate cookies and peanut butter creme.

Now I’m an Oreo purist, so I really love regular Oreos and that’s all I usually eat. However, just like ethnic restaurants and sexual positions, I felt trying something different wouldn’t hurt, unless it’s either live snake cuisine or the Standing Oral Yin Yang position.

The thing about Oreos is that there are several ways of eating them. You can eat them whole. You can dip them in ice cold milk. You can take two cookies, twist off the top of one of them, eat the top, and then combine the rest to form a Big Mac Oreo.

Or you can twist off the top of one of the cookies, lick up all the filling, go find Sally Struthers, get her attention, then throw away both sides of the cookie in front of her, and wait to see if she mentions something about children starving in Africa.

I put the Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme through the same routine I would with regular Oreos. However, despite all the dunking, biting, twisting, and licking, it just wasn’t the same.

Now don’t get me wrong, they were pretty good, but much like Britney and Kevin’s marriage, the peanut butter creme seems to be the dominant taste and the chocolate cookies seem like they’re there just going along for the ride and spending the whole day watching television.

However, if Nutter Butter cookies makes your nipples hard, you would probably like these because the peanut butter creme tasted very similar.

Item: Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Very good. Peanut butter creme reminds me of Nutter Butter cookies. No trans fat.
Cons: Not equal to or better than original Oreos. Peanut butter creme seems to dominate the chocolate cookies. Standing Oral Yin Yang.

REVIEW: Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans

Marvo 45 Comments

Bertie Bott's Beans

Who would’ve thought that being made to eat dirt and grass by bullies in grade school would come in handy someday?

Thanks to those bullies, who can still kick my ass, but still can’t write a better book report than me, I can determine the authenticity of some of the jelly bean flavors found in a box of Bertie Bott’s Beans, which regular Impulsive Buy reader, Lucy, suggested I try.

For those who aren’t familiar with Bertie Bott’s Beans, eating a box of them is like playing jelly bean Russian Roulette.

You can be happy eating one of the normal flavors: blueberry, cherry, cinnamon, grape jelly, green apple, lemon drop, toasted marshmallow, buttered popcorn, and tutti-fruitti.

Or you can die eating one of the abnormal flavors: black pepper, booger, earthworm, dirt, ear wax, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, spinach, and vomit.

Fortunately, there’s a flavor guide on the back of each box, but I didn’t bother looking at it because I’m a man who likes to live his life dangerously by doing crazy things, like reading a chapter of Dianetics and calling grade school bullies “pussies.”

As I went through the box of Bertie Bott’s Beans, I tried to figure out each flavor. I got almost all of the normal flavors correct, but I had a lot of problems with the abnormal flavors.

The easiest ones to figure out were black pepper, dirt, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, and spinach. However, booger, earthworm, ear wax, and vomit were hard to figure out, because I’ve never tried boogers, earthworms, and ear wax. As for the vomit jelly beans, I couldn’t recognize it because it didn’t have that distinct vodka flavor that my vomit usually has.

Individually, the abnormal jelly beans are tolerable, but I wondered how tolerable they would be if I mixed them all together.

So I grabbed a black pepper, booger, earthworm, dirt, ear wax, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, spinach, and vomit jelly bean, headed towards the bathroom, and kneeled over the toilet. For two minutes, I prepared myself for the concoction I was about to put into my mouth.

“How bad it could be?” I thought to myself. After all, I’ve recently stuck mint flavored condoms, habanero beef jerky, and potato chips made with Olestra into my mouth, so a few abnormal jelly beans shouldn’t be so bad. Then I took a deep breath and slammed the handful of jelly beans into my mouth.

About one second and one chew later, I violently spit out the jelly beans into the toilet. The spitting was closely followed by several dry heaves. The dry heaves were closely followed by tears in my eyes.

I began to wonder if I would finally find out what vodka-less vomit tastes like. Fortunately, I didn’t find out.

After making sure my dinner wasn’t going to make a reappearance, I ran to the bathroom sink, grabbed my toothbrush, squirted on my toothbrush way more toothpaste than the American Dental Association recommends, and brushed my teeth like I just French kissed a drunken Courtney Love and a pre-TrimSpa Anna Nicole Smith.

I could say that the taste of it was repulsive, but I think that would be an understatement. I think if death has a taste, it would probably taste much like what I experienced.

Item: Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans
Purchase Price: $1.99 (1.6 ounce box)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great gag gift to give. Realistic normal flavors. Blueberry rocks.
Cons: Horrible gag gift to receive. Realistic abnormal flavors. Mixing abnormal flavors. Dry heaving from mixing abnormal flavors.