Author: Marvo

Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax

Marvo 25 Comments

Dill Pickle Stax

How many of you have wondered what would happen if you licked Yoda?

No one?

Okay. Okay. How many of you have wondered what would happen if you licked Yoda, in either a drunken or high state while watching Attack of the Clones, because that’s the only way you could tolerate the bad acting?

After this wonderful nugget of a question popped into my head, an avalanche of questions began rolling in my mind.

Would I get the same psychedelic feeling that people get from licking a toad?

Would I gain Jedi powers?

Would warts form on my tongue?

Would Yoda get turned on, light up his “other lightsaber,” and say “Long time, me love you?”

Also, what does Yoda taste like?

Well thanks to Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax potato crisps, I now know the answer to one of those questions. Apparently, Yoda tastes like dill pickles. However, this surprised me because I thought he would either taste like the swamp water of Dagobah or Bengay.

What also surprised me was the fact that the Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax potato crisps are actually good, if you like dill pickles.

It doesn’t have a very strong taste like eating an actual dill pickle, but I think it would make a great replacement in your sandwich. Just crush a few of them and sprinkle a layer on your sandwich. Mmm…Yahtzee!

Poor Yoda. From his look on the Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax container, I can tell he doesn’t look too happy that his dill pickle secret is out.

Unfortunately, as all celebrities find out, having no privacy and having your secrets being told is the price for fame. Look at Natalie Portman. There are topless photos of her all over the internet, real and fake.

Although, as O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake found out, a small benefit of being a celebrity is being able to get away with murder.

I’m surprised Yoda didn’t sense this invasion of privacy coming. Oh wait, that’s right. Fame is a part of the Dark Side. “Hard to see the future is. Cloudy is the dark side.”

Well I’m not ashamed of my unibrow, so Yoda shouldn’t be ashamed that he tastes like dill pickles, because it could’ve been worse. He could’ve tasted like cigarettes, alcohol, heroin, and bitch, like Courtney Love does.

Item: Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax
Purchase Price: $1.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Yoda doesn’t taste like the swamp water of Dagobah or Bengay.
Cons: Limited edition. Thoughts of Yoda’s “other lightsaber.” The price of fame.

Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad

Marvo 34 Comments

Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad

(Editor’s Note: It’s the final day of Salad Week here at The Impulsive Buy. It was an interesting week filled drive-thru windows, black plastic bowls with clear plastic covers, way too much iceberg lettuce, and a lot of salad tossing. Today’s final salad review comes from my favorite fast food place, Jack in the Box. Enjoy.)

Being Asian, I felt I had to represent and try the Asian Chicken Salad from Jack in the Box. However, I also had another reason for picking it up: I needed more Asian in me and I was hoping that this salad could give it to me.

You see, my ethnicity is Japanese, but I am probably the most un-Japanese Japanese person in the world. I can’t use chopsticks very well. I don’t like sushi. I definitely don’t karaoke. I remember six words from the two years of Japanese language I took in college (In case you were wondering, the six words are: Hai (yes), iie (no), sake (rice wine), sushi, karaoke, and geri (diarrhea).)

I don’t even think I have enough Asian in me to make the pick up line, “Do you have Asian in you? Would you like some?” work for me.

Although, I do drive a Toyota, which kind of makes me more Asian. But then again, just because Carrie Underwood won American Idol, doesn’t mean she’s very good, and also doesn’t mean Ruben Studdard can’t eat her.

Anyway, the Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad is a very colorful salad, as you can see in the picture above. It has green leaf lettuce, some fancy red/green leaf thing, baby spinach, red onion slices, shredded carrots, mandarin orange slices, pieces of grilled white meat chicken, wonton strips, roasted slivered almonds, Asian sesame dressing, and white-ass iceberg lettuce.

After I mixed the salad in a bigger bowl, I took a few bites of it using a fork and then switched to chopsticks to see if I had gained the Asian powers to wield them properly.

When several mandarin orange slices and leafs of lettuce ended up on the carpet, I knew the art of using chopsticks wasn’t meant to be. I guess my once fast fingers’ past as “The Human Vibrators” has messed up any chances of me using chopsticks properly.

The salad was very tasty, which was due to the very good Asian sesame dressing. I also liked the various textures the salad had. From the crunchiness of the wonton strips and almonds to the soft mandarin oranges and pieces of chicken. It’s probably the best fast food salad I’ve had so far, and I’m not being biased because I’m Asian.

Despite the 590 calories, 33 grams of fat, and 1306 milligrams of sodium, the Asian Chicken Salad is surprisingly the most healthiest specialty salad on the Jack in the Box menu. It also has a whole lot of potassium and dietary fiber, which are good for you.

After eating the entire salad, which was very filling, I realized that eating Asian foods won’t ever help make me more Asian.

So now I’ll take another approach and hopefully I can become more Asian by watching lots and lots of anime porn.

Item: Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Good dressing. Lots of potassium and dietary fiber. The healthiest speciality salad on the Jack in the Box menu. Filling salad. Salad Week is over, which means back to REALLY unhealthy stuff.
Cons: Didn’t make me more Asian. High in sodium and fat. Abusing my fingers from those “Human Vibrator” years.

REVIEW: Subway Club Salad

Marvo 37 Comments

Subway Club Salad

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Day Four of Salad Week here at The Impulsive Buy. Thank goodness the week is almost done, because my body has been acting strange with all of these vegetables. I actually had green poop yesterday. Anyway, here’s today’s review. Enjoy.)

Subway is known for making their sandwiches fresh, turning Jared Fogle into a celebrity, and giving adolescent boys another opportunity to snicker when they hear the words “foot long.”

They are also known for their Sandwich Artists, which we all know is just a nice term for “the person behind the counter.” Armed with fresh baked bread, fresh ingredients, disposable gloves, a bread knife, and possibly, tender loving care, Sandwich Artists will create your sandwich they way you like it.

However, I wasn’t in Subway for a sandwich, I was there for a salad.

I ordered a Subway Club Salad, which according to the Subway website, was supposed to contain roast beef, turkey breast, ham, chopped iceberg lettuce, baby spinach, red onions, tomatoes, cucumber slices, green pepper strips, black olive slices, and carrots.

However, the Subway Sandwich Artist apparently was also a Subway Salad Artist and instead of automatically putting in the ingredients listed on the website, she asked me what kind of vegetables I wanted. At first, I was surprised by this, but I eventually began to go down the list: Lettuce, tomatoes, onions, olives, etc.

The same vegetables they use in the sandwiches are the same ones used in the salad. Unfortunately, they didn’t have baby spinach. As for the roast beef, turkey, and ham, the slices were just slapped on top of the vegetables.

Now I don’t know if my Subway Salad Artist was going for an abstract look with my salad, but it did have it with the round tomato slices and the oblong slices of meat. I wondered if she was trying to create a harmonious arrangement of colors representing life with the salad, or if she was trying to say, “I hate my job as a Subway Sandwich/Salad Artist.”

After my Subway Salad Artist was done, I quickly realized I had just ordered a six-inch Subway sandwich without a bun, or “Atkins style” for you low-carb folks. Oh yeah, speaking of Atkins, I ended getting the Atkins Honey Mustard Dressing to put on top of my salad.

So basically, this salad was a six-inch Subway sandwich, without the bun, and it was the same price as a foot long sandwich. Heh, heh, heh…Foot long.

I felt ripped off.

Eating the salad made me feel even worse. There was way too much iceberg lettuce, which again, has even less nutritional value than David Blaine has magical powers. Also, the salad dressing had that typical Atkins taste, and I use the term “taste” loosely.

I think I’ll just stick to Subway sandwiches from now on.

Item: Subway Club Salad
Purchase Price: $5.89
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Made fresh. Made your way.
Cons: Very pricey. Too much iceberg lettuce. High-sodium. Atkins Honey Mustard Dressing was weak.

Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad

Marvo 25 Comments

Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad

How many of you remember the McDLT?

For those of you who weren’t born yet, too young to remember, or have been boycotting McDonald’s because of their globalization efforts, the McDLT was a burger in a treehugger-gasping styrofoam container with two compartments.

This special container kept the “hot side hot” and the “cool side cool,” which is the same way I like to separate my underwear. The “hot” thongs and silk French-cut briefs go in one drawer and the “cool” boxers, boxer briefs, Underoos, and elephant trunk crotch briefs go in another drawer.

I don’t know why McDonald’s got rid of McDLT.

Oh wait, I do know. It was a retarded idea.

Anyway, Burger King seemed to have jumped on the “hot side hot, cool side cool” bandwagon about two decades late with their Tendercrisp Garden Salad. The cool side comes in the standard plastic bowl with a clear cover, while the hot side comes in a white plastic pouch.

Burger King calls this white plastic pouch, “The Pouch,” which is the most unoriginal name since “The Big Bulge,” which was the name I gave my elephant trunk crotch briefs.

The Tendercrisp Garden Salad contains hot chunks of breaded Tendercrisp chicken, which you pour from “The Pouch” on top of iceberg, Romaine, and spring lettuce, grape tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, Parmesan cheese shavings, and garlic Parmesan toast (croutons). Then to top off all of that is a Garden Ranch dressing.

When I received my order, the salad came in a clear plastic bag specifically made for Burger King salads. It sort of made me feel special. Although I have to admit, clear plastic bags are great for fast food salads, but for privacy reason, bad for the dozens of boxes of condoms purchased for your neighborhood orgy.

After taking my first bite of the Tendercrisp Garden Salad, I realized I forgot an important lesson about ranch dressing and Burger King food.

Just like the lessons of love and good style, I have yet to learn the lesson of avoiding any Burger King item that uses ranch dressing, because it isn’t very good. I’ve reviewed the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch and the Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch and in both reviews I found that the ranch dressing didn’t have much taste.

The same can be said about the Garden Ranch dressing that came with the Tendercrisp Garden Salad.

Not even the plastic Burger King fork liked the salad. One of its prongs broke on one of the pieces of garlic Parmesan toast, which was probably the fork’s way of avoiding the salad.

Okay. Okay. The fork breaking was my fault, not the salad’s.

Anyway, maybe the salad might have tasted better with another dressing, but with the Garden Ranch dressing, it wasn’t very good.

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Wide variety of vegetables. Colorful. Separate pouch for chicken. Special clear plastic bag made for Burger King salads.
Cons: The garlic Parmesan toast broke my plastic fork. Cool Garden Ranch dressing wasn’t very cool or very ranch-y. High sodium. High fat. The name “The Pouch.” The name “The Big Bulge.”

REVIEW: Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad

Marvo 44 Comments

Wendy's Mediterranean Chicken Salad

When I think of classy things, I think of fine wine, Gwyneth Paltrow, and feta cheese.

Feta is one of those “special” cheeses not found with the trailer trash cheeses like American, cheddar, swiss, mozzarella, and, of course, Velveeta, which is as classy as shiny, spinning hubcaps.

Feta cheese is usually located in the deli area near other cheeses with funny names, like asiago, gorgonzola, taleggio, limburger, and smelofarts.

Now I record a lot of shows on Food Network because I need to add more material to my never ending loop of Rachael Ray shows playing at my Rachael Ray shrine.

While fast forwarding through all the parts that don’t have Rachael Ray, I noticed that a lot of the chefs on the Food Network use feta cheese on a lot of things, like salads, pizzas, and pastas. Those chefs really like feta cheese and are very liberal with it, like strippers are with cocoa butter lotion.

Well it seems the chefs in the Wendy’s kitchen also have been watching a lot of the Food Network because they put a nice crumbled heaping of feta cheese on their new Mediterranean Chicken Salad.

Besides the feta cheese, the Mediterranean Chicken Salad comes with herb-seasoned chicken chunks, iceberg lettuce, Romaine lettuce, red leaf lettuce, grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, red onion rings, and a package of red wine vinaigrette dressing.

Putting all of that together made for a pretty good tasting and decent sized salad. The feta cheese and the vinaigrette dressing gave the salad a nice tangy kick. The vegetables for the most part looked fresh, although I was disappointed that there was a lot of iceberg lettuce, which has as little redeeming value as the new Britney Spears reality show, “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.”

Despite the goodness that I discovered in the Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad, there were a few things I wish Wendy’s had done to it. For example, I think it would’ve been nice if the herb-seasoned chicken chunks were warmed up, because I’m slightly afraid of cold chicken.

However, my biggest problem was having to toss my salad, which is a pretty hard thing to do because I’m kind of uncoordinated and not very flexible.

If you look at the picture above, you’ll notice that all the feta cheese is on one side of the bowl, all the chicken is in the center of the bowl, and the cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes are all in their own respective cliques.

It’s like the feta cheese are the preppy kids, the pieces of chicken are the jocks, the cucumbers are the band geeks, the onions are the nerds, and the tomatoes are the goth kids. This kind of separation may work well in high school, but it doesn’t work well with a salad.

It would’ve been nice if the salad was pre-tossed, so I wouldn’t have to go through the trouble, pain, and mess of tossing my salad.

Item: Wendy’s Mediterranean Chicken Salad
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Decent sized. High in Vitamin A & C. Feta cheese makes me feel classy.
Cons: High in sodium. Chicken was cold. Lots of iceberg lettuce. Forced to toss my salad.