Author: Marvo

Saint Patrick’s Day is one of those “not-really-a-holiday” holidays. It’s like Flag Day. You don’t get the day off, the malls are open, the mail is delivered, and street parking isn’t free. It’s like, um, a normal Monday…thru Friday.

Although, if you get smashed enough on Saint Patrick’s Day, you can call in sick the next day, which is sort of like a real holiday, except with aspirin and dry heaves.

Despite Saint Patrick’s Day being a “not-really-a-holiday” holiday, there are a lot of great things about it, like you don’t need to buy gifts for anyone, don’t need to attend dysfunctional family dinners, don’t need to spend $100 on flowers, don’t need to buy some lame greeting card, and hookers look a lot better, due to beer goggles.

Of course, Saint Patrick’s Day is the best day to get drunk, because alcohol is cheap, plentiful, and sometimes green.

So what’s the second best day to get drunk?

Any other day.

So in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day and the possibility that I might not have a review for you tomorrow due to a hangover, I wrote a poem about Saint Patrick’s Day. (No, I did not write it drunk) It goes a little something like this:

The Saint Patrick’s Day Poem

Top of the morning to you all and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.
I hope you’re dressed in green, or you’ll get pinched right away.
It’s time to get rowdy and it’s time to get drunk.
You should start in the morning, when things are usually rough.
Forget the wine, champagne, light and nonalcoholic beer.
Hard liquor and real beer is essential for this time of year.
So get yourself a drink, or maybe two, three, four or five.
Make sure you have a designated driver to get you home alive.
So head to the nearest bar and let the drinking begin.
Start yourself off with something like a tonic and gin.
Chug a screwdriver because you need your OJ in the morning.
Don’t drink with an empty stomach, this is just a warning.
Have a few glasses of Guinness, which is blacker than coal.
Or have a shot of whiskey, if getting drunk is your goal.
If you’re drunk by now, consider yourself a lightweight.
If not, have some more and see how much you can take.

Have a drink with your friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam,
and remember it’s illegal to buy liquor for a teen.
Get a margarita if that’s what you really like.
Get one the size of a kiddie pool, you can drink it all night.
Order a Scotch and make sure it’s on the rocks.
Too much alcohol makes an ulgy person look like a fox.
Tank a few bottles of Foster’s without any fear,
and remember that Foster’s is Australian for beer.
Now if you’re Irish, you’re probably still quite sober yet,
but if you’re Asian, you’re probably redder than an apple can get.

Take a shot of a German Death and a Harley Davidson.
They both go down really hard like NyQuil medicine.
Have a shot of tequila with a wedge of lime and some salt.
If you swallow the worm it’s really your own drunken fault.
Sip on a really dry martini with an olive in a glass.
Have it shaken not stirred, like James Bond, a man with class.
To wash that all down order yourself a vodka and tonic,
and if you start seeing leprechauns, consider yourself an alcoholic.
Well whether you’re passed out, throwing up, or okay.
I wish you all a safe, fun, and happy Saint Patrick’s Day.

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Item: Saint Patrick’s Day
Purchase Price: FREE (alcohol not included)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Don’t need to buy gifts for anyone. Mail is still delivered. Green beer. Hookers look better.
Cons: Don’t get the day off. Possible beer goggle situations. Getting pinched for not wearing green.

I love living on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, but living here has its share of disadvantages.

For example, I can’t take long road trips here. On the mainland, you can drive to another state or another country and see something different. For example, if you live in California, you can drive to Las Vegas to go gambling at the ungodly hour of 4 a.m. or drive to Mexico to get drunk off of cheap tequila and experience Montezuma’s Revenge because you were so drunk that you actually drank water from Mexico.

Here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, you can’t drive very far, unless you enjoy going around and around in huge circles.

Another disadvantage is getting sand trapped in places you don’t want sand to be. I’m pretty sure this is not a problem for people in such states as Montana, Oklahoma, and either of the Dakotas. Chafing that involves sand is never good, except when you’re planning to repaint something.

Finally, there aren’t any Red Circle Boutiques here. We’ve got three World Dominating Superstore Behemoths and two “The ‘K’ Stands For Krap” Superstores, but no Red Circle Boutiques.

Unfortunately, I’m not expecting one to open up soon because I think it’s impossible to build a Red Circle Boutique here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, because if someone does, this rock will sink like Atlantis.

The reason why I’d like to have a Red Circle Boutique on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean is because I’d have easy access to Method cleaning products. There aren’t any places here that sell them. Sure, I could buy them online, but I’m too much of a cheap bastard to pay for shipping.

Fortunately, friend/Impulsive Buy junkie Akiko bought some Method products for me while on a trip to the Dirty South (Do the kids still call it the “Dirty South?”). Actually, she only bought me the Method hand soap, which I reviewed a few months back.

(Editor’s Note: Oops, actually, Akiko also bought me Method dishwashing detergent and bathroom cleaner. I forgot about them in the closet. You know what they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.” I suck as a friend.)

Recently, Akiko gave me her slightly used bottle of Method Laundry Concentrated Detergent. She gave it to me because she didn’t care much for the overwhelming Morning Bloom scent. Although, I have my suspicions that she gave me the bottle because she wanted to drop the hint that I need to wash my clothes more often instead of recycling my worn clothes out of my laundry basket.

Hey, I just follow the two rules of recycling worn clothes:

1. If it doesn’t have stains, out of the washer it remains.
2. If worn clothes has no smell, no one else will be able to tell.

One of the first things I liked about the Method detergent was the fact it’s concentrated. With only 32 ounces of detergent, it’s much lighter than the smallest container offered by other liquid detergent brands, which usually contain about 100 ounces. This makes a big difference because I’m out of shape, or more specifically, I’m weak, like Popeye without spinach and Screech from Saved by the Bell.

Since it’s concentrated, the Method detergent can still deliver the same amount of laundry loads as the other brands’ 100-ounce containers, which turns out to be about 32 loads of laundry.

One of the neatest things about the bottle is that it has a self-measuring cap. Just flip the cap lid, squeeze the bottle, measure the amount of detergent, and then pour. (To see a clip of the self-measuring cap in action, just click the picture on the right. Quicktime format – 1 MB)

I tried to test its stain fighting power, but nowadays I hardly stain my clothes, since I don’t referee bikini mud wrestling anymore.

As for the Morning Bloom scent, I didn’t find it overwhelming, like Akiko did. I thought it was a pleasant smell and smelled better than the big-name brand stuff I usually use, but it definitely didn’t smell morning-ish. Of course, my mornings usually smell like “Oh crap, I have to get up.”

Overall, I liked the Method detergent, especially the self-measuring cap. Maybe I’ll start washing my clothes more often, just so that I can play with the self-measuring cap.

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Item: Method Laundry Concentrated Detergent
Purchase Price: $8.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Kick ass self-measuring cap. Concentrated. Nice scent. Biodegradable.
Cons: Scent maybe overwhelming for some. No Red Circle Boutiques on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Lame road trips. Sand in my crack.