Author: Marvo

It seems like everyone nowadays has a cell phone. Everyone except me, the homeless, people in third-world countries, and the technophobic community.

So I don’t have a cell phone. Make fun of me all you like, but how many of you have a laser printer at home?

I got one and you probably don’t. How you like me now with my HP LaserJet 1012 Laser Printer?

Sure I can’t call anyone anywhere I want to, but I can print one page in 10 seconds and 15 pages per minute. That’s faster than you can dial fifteen phone numbers, unless you’ve got those numbers on speed dial.

You like that?

Sure your cell phone is small enough to put in your pocket, but my laser printer is 14.6 by 9.1 by 8.2 inches, small enough that I can stick it in a duffel bag and take it with me.

Uh huh. How’s that for portability?

I can’t take pictures with my laser printer, but I can print pictures in black and white.

Jealous?

I can’t text message someone, but I can print a letter, stuff it in an envelope, stick a stamp on it, go to a mailbox, and mail it.

It ain’t that different.

Can your cell phone keep you warm at night? My laser printer can. After the pages come out of the printer, they’re warm, like clothes out of the dryer. Print a couple dozen sheets and you got yourself a blanket.

Oooh, that’s hot! Tssssss!

With my laser printer, I don’t have to pay every month for some calling plan. Sure I gotta to pay $69.99 to change my toner cartridge after every 2,000 pages, but I ain’t printing no manifesto or Harry Potter book, so I ain’t gonna change it that often.

So if you want to be down, go get yourself a laser printer. This HP LaserJet 1012 is off the hook for your basic printing needs. You gotta buy your own USB cable, because the printer doesn’t come with one, but this printer is so good and cheap, it don’t matter.

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Item: HP LaserJet 1012 Laser Printer
Purchase Price: $149.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Inexpensive. One of the smallest laser printers around. Fast text printing. May make people jealous of you for its coolness.
Cons: No USB cable. Expensive toner cartridge. May attract playahatas.

I think I’ve got a wonderful plan that will get women to fall for me. It’s a simple formula: Have a decent singing voice, play the piano, and sing lyrics that go somewhat like this:

The red roses I sent aren’t as beautiful as you.
The scent doesn’t smell as sweet as you do.
The petals aren’t as colorful as your red lips.
The leaves aren’t as curvy as your hips.

Muahaha! I will have many women fall for me once I finish my song, learn how to play the piano, get a decent singing voice, overcome my control freak tendencies, be able to open up emotionally, conquer my shyness, and wax my back. It’s a foolproof plan.

This whole piano playing/singing thing worked well for Harry Connick, Jr. After all, he’s married to a Victoria Secrets model. It also seemed to have worked for the young British jazz musician, Jamie Cullum.

How do I know?

I know because all the teenage girls on MTV’s TRL were screaming for him. Not like horror-film-screaming. More like “I LUV U JAMIE!” or “U R SO HOT JAMIE!” -screaming.

Despite my jealousy about Cullum’s ability to write a good song, sing well, play the piano, and woo young women, his debut album, Twentysomething, is a very good listen. One track that stands out is the bonus track “Frontin’,” which is a great cover of The Neptunes track of the same name. (You know, Pharrell Williams and that Asian dude.) Many of the other tracks on the album are upbeat and will definitely have your toes tappin’.

If you like jazz, Harry Connick, Jr., or want to listen to something different, I would recommend you give Jamie Cullum a try.

What I wouldn’t recommend is trying to be like Jamie Cullum, because it’s been really hard learning how to play the piano and making my voice do things it was never meant to do, like sing.

Product: Jamie Cullum – Twentysomething
Purchase Price: $8.99 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: A toe tappin’ treat. Something different than the usual rap, punk, rock, and electronic stuff I listen to. The CD can be found for a regular price of $9.99.
Cons: May make you think you can woo women by writing a song and playing the piano.

My first and only experience with the original Listerine came in the 1980s. The only thing I remember from that traumatic experience was the horrible burning sensation. It felt like all of my taste buds had melted away. They didn’t, but since then I swear things haven’t tasted right.

Eventually the folks who created Listerine came up with more flavors and new compound words, like FreshBurst, WinterMint, and Cool Mint. Over the past year they introduced Natural Citrus.

Let me tell you, this Natural Citrus Listerine is, as the young folks today say, the shiznit. It freshens my breath and tastes like orange soda. It’s the only flavor of Listerine that made me think, “I would drink this, if I didn’t have to call a Poison Control Center right after.”

Despite all of its goodness and breath freshening abilities, I’ve noticed one peculiar problem. When using the other flavors of Listerine, it goes in as whatever color and it comes out the same color. With the Natural Citrus, it goes in orange, but it doesn’t come out orange. Instead it comes out clear.

Where does the orange go? I have two theories:

1. Germs and bacteria in my mouth absorbed it because it tastes like orange soda.
2. The orange part stays in my mouth to valiantly fight the constant battles between good and evil breath, which they eventually lose, due to my love peanut butter.

Well my teeth haven’t turned orange, so it’s nothing to worry about.

So if you’re tired of the burn from the original Listerine, bored of minty mouthwashes, or too lazy to floss your teeth, Natural Citrus Listerine is a great product, even if you can’t drink it.

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Product: Listerine Natural Citrus Mouthwash
Purchase Price: $4.19 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Orange soda-like flavor is a change of pace from usual minty mouthwashes. Good enough to drink, if it wasn’t for that whole poisoning thing.
Cons: Mysterious orange color disappearance.