Author: Marvo

Apple iLife ‘05

Marvo 8 Comments

iLife ‘05

I’m sure all of you have faced the following situation: Having waaaay too much porn.

You know what it’s like with gigabytes of pictures and movies. There’s so much of it that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I’m sure you have labeled folders all over the place full of porn and so did I. However, thanks to iLife ’05 that has all changed.

If you’re a Mac user you’re probably familiar with iLife, which is a suite of Mac-only software used to create, organize, edit, and share your digital media (photos, music, video, etc). If you have iLife, you’ve probably used it to organize and edit things like your family vacation pictures or your child’s birthday videos.

But I’ve learned it’s also great for organizing porn.

iLife ’05 consists of five applications:

1. iMovie HD – Used for editing digital video
2. iPhoto 5 – Used for organizing, editing, and printing digital photos
3. iDVD 5 – Used for burning dynamic DVDs
4. iTunes 4.7 – Used for managing your legal and illegal music files
5. GarageBand 2 – Used by non-musically inclined people, like myself, to make crappy music

Almost every one of these applications has helped me organize my porn and make it readily available when I want it or when I’m feeling lonely.

Let’s start with iMovie HD.

iMovie HD is great for editing homemade porn movie, because it’s so easy to use. With it I can easily take out all the awkward moments like her screaming out someone else’s name or her faking an orgasm REALLY badly. I can also edit all the boring cuddling and talking that happens before and after getting it on.

One of the newest features of iMovie HD is the ability to edit high-definition video, hence the HD part. Unfortunately, there aren’t any cheap high-definition cameras available, which might be a good thing because without high-definition I don’t look good at all, so imagine how bad I’ll look with high-definition.

With iPhoto 5 I can easily arrange the tens of thousands of pictures on my hard drive by making different albums. I can create an album for brunettes, blondes, redheads, Asians, lesbians, hardcore, threesomes, midgets, and a whole lot more.

A new feature in iPhoto 5 is the ability to store your downloaded videos within iPhoto 5. It sure is easier than the dozens of folders I have, which are organized alphabetically by the pornstar’s name. If the file is a Quicktime or MPEG file, iPhoto 5 will be able to store them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for Windows Media Video files.

Now with iDVD 5 I can burn the movies I edited onto a DVD so I can view them with the DVD player in the living room or I can send them to friends. Also in iDVD 5, I can create slideshows of the thousands of photos I have in iPhoto 5 and burn those slideshows onto a DVD.

As for iTunes and GarageBand…Um, there really isn’t any use for them when it comes to organizing porn. However, I did make a crappy 70’s porn soundtrack using GarageBand.

Item: Apple iLife ‘05
Purchase Price: $79.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for organizing porn. iPhoto is much faster for viewing the thousands of photos I have. iMovie will be great for editing high-definition porn. GarageBand allows me to create all the crappy 70’s porn music I want.
Cons: iTunes and GarageBand don’t have any uses when organizing porn. Mac-only software. iPhoto doesn’t store Windows Media Video files. Previous version of iLife was $49.

Girl Scouts Thin Mints

Marvo 29 Comments

Thin Mints

I learned a very important lesson this weekend: Don’t try to haggle with Girl Scouts, because they won’t budge.

Yesterday, while I was walking out of the national grocery store chain I shop at, out of nowhere three Girl Scouts appeared in front of my shopping cart. Fortunately, I have cat-like reflexes and I swerved the cart to avoid hitting them.

I looked at them and they all smiled and said a synchronized, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?”

Usually I would avoid such fundraising efforts because I’m a really cheap bastard. However, it’s been a few years since I had Girl Scout Cookies and I wondered if there were any new flavors. So I asked the three of them, “What flavors do you have?”

They went through the list and it sounded like they were the same old flavors. I sighed and then asked them if they had any new flavors. This seemed to have stumped them because they began whispering to each other. After a few moments, they came to the consensus that there weren’t any and they shook their heads.

After the quick disappointment wore off, I said to them, “You Girl Scouts just changed the look of your uniforms, isn’t it about time you girls changed the flavors of your cookies?”

The three of them began whispering to each other again. After a few moments, I think they came to the consensus that I’m a big, yucky dork.

Since they didn’t have any new flavors, I decided to get a box of Thin Mints. One of the girls told me they’re the most popular Girl Scout Cookies. After telling me that wonderful nugget of information that might come in handy during a game of Trivial Pursuit, I said to the girl, “Well I think if you had a chocolate chip cookie it would totally kick Thin Mints’ ass.”

After our little banter, I asked the three girls how much the box of Thin Mints was.

“Four dollars,” they said with smiles.

“Four dollars!” I said with disbelief.

I could’ve sworn the last time I bought Girl Scout Cookies they were only three dollars, so I decided to haggle.

“How about three dollars for the cookies?” I asked them.

“Four dollars,” they said.

“$3.50?”

“Four dollars.”

“$3.75?”

I was going to start raising my offer in one cent increments, but all three of them had stern and bitchy looks on their faces, like their inner Omorosa’s were coming out. So I paid my four dollars and pushed my cart away before they could use what they learned to earn their Self-Defense Girl Scout Badges.

When I got home, I opened the Thin Mints and began popping them one-by-one as I watched the Pittsburgh Steelers get whipped by the New England Patriots. Before I knew it, I ate half the box.

I’m usually not big on mint, except when it’s in my toothpaste and chewing gum, but I like Thin Mints. They have a nice chocolate and mint mixture, which make them refreshing and satisfying. I would definitely buy more if they lowered the price a little.

Damn greedy Girl Scouts!

No wonder their uniforms are green.

Item: Girl Scouts Thin Mints
Purchase Price: $4.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No tax. Nice chocolate and mint mix. Helps young women become happy and resourceful citizens.
Cons: No new Girl Scout Cookie flavors. Damn greedy Girl Scouts.

REVIEW: Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter

Marvo 18 Comments

Skippy Carb Option Peanut Butter

I don’t know why I keep torturing myself with all of these low-carb items.

Every time I buy one, I know it’s not going to taste good and I’m going to write a crappy review about it.

I really should just let these folks handle the reviews for the low-carb stuff and I should just stick with the ass-growing, gut-building foods that actually taste good.

Maybe I buy the low-carb stuff because I’m curious to know how bad they can get. Maybe I think to myself, “There can’t be anything worse than the Carb Countdown Smoothie.”

Oh wait, there is! Thanks, Carb Well, for proving that there are different levels of crap.

Well I guess I’ll keep buying them and I’ll keep getting burned.

It’s like the rottweiler keeps biting me, but I still want to pet it.

You know, Dr. Atkins and his fat ass is probably laughing at me up in heaven and being thankful that he didn’t have to eat the low-carb crap that’s available today.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins! I really hope the only things available to eat in heaven are Krispy Kreme donuts.

Anyway, the newest way I’ve been torturing myself is with the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter.

It looks like peanut butter. It smells like peanut butter. It spreads like peanut butter. It’s fun to feed to dogs like peanut butter. It tastes like peanut butter…

Oh, wait. That last part about the tasting like peanut butter… Um, it really doesn’t.

So the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter accomplishes all this sticky not-so-goodness with less sugar, less carbs, and less peanuts.

Less peanuts? That explains the taste.

According to the bottle, it says Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter is made out of 65 percent peanuts. Of course, the obvious $65,000 Question is, “What the hell makes up the other 35 percent?”

Your guess is as good as mine, but I sure hope some of that 35 percent isn’t Splenda.

(Reading label)

Holy crap! Some of that IS Splenda.

Dammit, Splenda! Why can’t you cause anal leakage like Olestra did? That way you’d just disappear and become another segment in the future VH1 show, “I Love the 2000s” where Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black will make jokes about you.

So what benefits do we get with Splenda and 35 percent less peanuts in our Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter?

We get TWO less grams of sugar and carbs than regular Skippy peanut butter.

Only two less grams of carbs?

So Skippy spent time and energy to make a low-carb Skippy peanut butter and it turns out that regular Skippy peanut butter was ALREADY low-carb.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins!

DAMN YOU!

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

Item: Skippy Carb Option Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Possibly better than peanut butter made out of 50 percent peanuts. Looks like peanut butter. Smells like peanut butter. Spreads like peanut butter.
Cons: Grainy. 65% peanuts! Splenda!!! Dr. Atkins is laughing at me.

Canon PowerShot A85

Marvo 13 Comments

Canon PowerShot A85

As many of you know, earlier this month, my digital camera broke and I had to buy a new one. Many of you also know that it broke while I was taking photos of a product I was planning to review.

Um, that last part was a lie. It actually broke while I was taking photos of myself.

Why was I taking photos of myself? I needed self-portraits for the online dating service I’m planning to sign up for.

Although I’m scared to try an online dating service, because who knows what kind of freaky-deeky girl I might end up on a date with? But then again, freaky-deeky sounds pretty good…because I’m desperate.

Anyway, the new digital camera I bought was the Canon PowerShot A85. I actually wanted the $200 3.2-megapixel Canon PowerShot A75, but NOBODY had it in stock, so I had to buy the more expensive, 4-megapixel PowerShot A85.

While researching digital cameras, I had to read a lot of reviews. These reviews got pretty boring because they explained things like aperture, ISO, exposure, blah, blah, blah. See it’s pretty boring.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, we’re not going to bore you with stuff like that, instead we will ask hypothetical questions that include scenarios most people would use a camera for and find out if the PowerShot A85 would do a good job in each of these scenarios.

Question #1

“I just gave birth to my daughter, her name is Melody, and I want to take pictures of all the important moments of her young life, like her first steps, her first tooth, and her appearance in the possible future movie Baby Geniuses 3, but I’m not knowledgeable about photography. Is it easy to take photos with this camera?”

Yes. There’s an Auto Mode that lets the camera do almost all the work, like figuring out the appropriate aperture and shutter speed. All you have to do is point and shoot. The Auto Mode takes great pictures and those pictures will help psychiatrists understand why Melody doesn’t like you for forcing her to be in what will probably be, if they make it, one of the worst movies EVER.

Question #2

“I’m 70-years-old, technophobic, and don’t own a computer. Is this camera good for taking photos of my beautiful, but bratty grandchildren?”

No. I’ve learned that elderly people with technophobia and digital cameras don’t mix. It’s like sticking a gun in the hands of the Dalai Lama.

As for the lack of a computer, you might be fine there because this camera allows direct printing from the camera to special Canon printers.

On second thought, the technophobia will definitely come into play here because if you can’t set the time on your VCR, you probably won’t be able to figure out how to print your grandchildren’s photos from your camera.

Question #3

“Is this camera good for when I go to Mardi Gras and take pictures of women flashing their boobs?”

Yes. When a woman flashes her boobs, make sure the camera is set to the Fast Shutter option. This allows you to take better photos of those shy women who show their boobs really fast, without the risk of blurred photos. Also, make sure you have a lot of bead necklaces.

Question #4

“I read that the PowerShot A85 allows me to take video clips. Would this be a good option for finding out if my significant other is cheating on me by hiding the camera in the bedroom?”

No. The video quality for digital still cameras isn’t as good as it would be for real video cameras. Video quality is important in these circumstances because I’m sure you would like to know who your significant other is cheating with so you can hunt that person down. Also, depending on the size of your memory card, the camera can’t take very long clips.

Question #5

“I’m planning to sign up for one of those online dating services and I need to take a picture of myself. I’m not very good looking and when I tried to take a self-portrait of myself, the digital camera I was using broke down on me. Will this camera break if I take a picture of myself?”

Yes AND No. Are you wearing a paper bag over your head when you take the picture? If you are, the camera won’t break. If you aren’t wearing one, I highly suggest you do NOT take a self-portrait because the camera will break.

Also, if you’re extremely claustrophobic and you might suffocate with a paper bag on your head, a big sheet of paper in front of your face can be used instead of a paper bag.

Conclusion

Overall, I liked this camera. It takes great shots and has a great battery life, since it takes four AA batteries to power it. The PowerShot A85 is great for those who just want to point and shoot or for those control freaks that like manual options.

It’s a great camera for almost any scenario you may face.

Editor’s Note: For more product reviews go check out our friends at the Message Whore.

Item: Canon Powershot A85
Purchase Price: $279.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for taking pictures of flashing boobs. Allows direct printing from camera to special Canon printers. Won’t break when ugly people take self-portraits with a paper bag over their head.
Cons: Video option isn’t good for trying to catch your significant other cheating on you. Too complex for elderly, technophobic people.

Chex Mix for Kids

Marvo 8 Comments

Chex Mix for Kids

Editor’s Note: I guess many of you are interested in who won the 100th Review Prize Drawing. I’m pleased to announce that after rolling over the 64 entries with my sweaty naked body and letting them fall off of my body, the winner of the prize drawing is Ayesha97.

Sorry, there aren’t any pictures of me rolling around in the entries because…Um, read tomorrow’s review and you’ll understand. So what does Ayesha97 win? Um, that will be decided this weekend, but we promise it will be kick ass.

Thank you to all of those who entered the drawing. Now here’s today’s review. Enjoy.

When I was young, I remember whenever I had alphabet soup I would just sit in front of my bowl and spell swear words.

Of course, since my age wasn’t in the double digits, the extent of my profanity didn’t go beyond “boob,” “butt,” “doo-doo,” “pee-pee,” and “ding-dong.”

As many of you know, I still play with food, except I don’t play with it alone, if you know what I’m saying, baby. I gots me some creamy chocolate pudding with your name on it, baby.

Oh, sorry.

I’m sure many of you also played with your food and got scolded by your parents, because they probably heard something from Miss Manners, who said it wasn’t proper to play with food. Well Miss Manners sounds like the boring type who only does it missionary style, so I don’t think we should listen to her.

Besides, it seems like many of the foods today that focus on kids, encourage them to play with food.

Case in point, these new Chex Mix for Kids. In each package are crackers and pretzels that come in various shapes, along with Chex cereal. This particular package I picked up was the Castle Adventure Pizza Flavor, so there were pieces that looked like swords, shields, and dragon heads.

Tara Reid Chex

It was fun creating scenes using the Chex Mix. I created a few medieval scenes, which included a two knights jousting and a knight battling a dragon. However, I eventually got bored with the whole medieval thing and used my imagination to come up with other scenes.

My favorite one was a scene I created where a drunken Tara Reid accidentally has both of her boobs pop out of her dress while on the Red Carpet in front of photographers (see picture on left).

Editor’s Note: Originally I said “see picture on right,” but many readers pointed out that the picture is on the left. Yes, I made a mistake and I blame it on my preoccupation with the pretzel boobs in the picture.

After playing with the Chex Mix for a while, I finally got around to eating it.

While chomping on Tara Reid’s pretzel boobs, I couldn’t taste the pizza flavor very well. Even the crackers had a light pizza taste. However, the Chex cereal had a strong pizza flavor.

One of the things I like about the Chex Mix for Kids is the fact that it’s baked and not fried, which is good because I ate over half the bag while watching the New England Patriots dismantle the Indianapolis Colts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, with the rest of the Chex Mix for Kids, I’m going to recreate the moment when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up.

Item: Chex Mix for Kids (Pizza Flavored)
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Fun to play with…the Chex Mix that is. Baked not fried. Able to recreate any medieval scene or a Tara Reid boobie slip.
Cons: The pizza taste is mostly on the Chex cereal, not enough on the pretzels and crackers.