REVIEW: Keebler Harry Potter Butterbeer Fudge Stripes

/ / Reviews / 1 Comment

Keebler’s new Butterbeer Fudge Stripes are the first Harry Potter-themed confection I’ve tried since a traumatizing run-in with a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Bean, so needless to say, I was trepidatious.

It’s hard to Obliviate your first earwax-flavored Jelly Belly. Just thinking about those cursed beans makes me freeze up in fear as if I were struck by the Immobulous charm. Yeah, I’ve seen the movies, folks. I know spells, at least like six of them. I didn’t read a single word of the books, but I know spells! Uh… Oculus Reparo! See?

I know you can see because I just fixed your glasses.

Anyway, despite being a fan of the Potter films, I’ve never actually had Butterbeer. I’ve had butterscotch. I’ve had butter rum, but that’s the extent of my forays into Butter *insert type of booze here.* I honestly don’t even really know much about the flavor profile of Butterbeer, so I wasn’t sure what to expect-O PATRONUM! Remember that one?!

Ya know, I gotta hand it to the elves, be it tree or house, we got ourselves a nice little collab here. Ernie met Dobby, and they baked up a solid little cookie.

These biscuits, for my British friends, reek of a Waffle Crisp-style cereal, but there’s no maple because Butterbeer IS butterscotch. I think. Perhaps my muggle brain can’t comprehend the subtle differences, but for all intents and purposes, these Quidditch goal-shaped rings taste like butterscotch. I assumed there’d be something a bit more foreign that tasted new to me, but I wasn’t disappointed.

The cookie base is the familiar Fudge Stripe sans fudge stripes, but instead piped with a white Butterbeer(scotch) icing.

As you know, Fudge Stripes are named after Cornelius Fudge, the thirty-second Minister of Magic, and Sorkelport Stripes, a legendary Hogwarts professor that I just made up. It is ultimately they who inspired this snack sorcery, and I think Keebler did them proud.

If you’re not a butterscotch lover, don’t worry, the flavor isn’t as pronounced as the classic hard candies. I’d say it exists in the same sweetness realm as dulce de leche and salted caramel fare we’ve become accustomed to, with these almost pushing “too sweet” but still quite indulgent and enjoyable for a cookie or three. Dare I say good enough to Expelliarmus anyone trying to steal one.

By now, it’s quite apparent – I know my Potter, huh?! Well, maybe not enough to decipher what I’m supposed to be seeing on each cookie, but these do seem to have fun little Wizarding World-specific designs that get swallowed up in the icing, so that’s fun, I guess.

I’d consider these a success, and I like to believe Harry, Hermoine, and… whatshisface would definitely buy a pack from the Hogwarts Express trolley.

It’s also nice to see butterscotch getting a little shine with all this butterbeer stuff hitting shelves. It’s a nice change of pace flavor that’s rarely seen outside of grandma’s candy dish.

Ron! His name is Ron. How could I forget Ron, that’s just Riddickulus! (Six. Told ya.)

Purchased Price: $2.98
Size: 9.5 oz package
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 Cookies) 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar (including 8 grams of added sugar), and 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Chips Ahoy Blondie Baked Bites

/ / Reviews / 6 Comments

Normally, I’d start my review of Chips Ahoy Blondie Baked Bites with a thin pop culture reference that I’d kinda relate back to the product, but I’m too miffed to have fun right now.

So, my apologies, Debbie Harry, I won’t be using any famous Blondie lyrics to express my opinions. Sorry, Dagwood, I won’t be making a cutesy reference to your wife, the eponymous Blondie’s famous comic strip, because I just have to get down to brass tacks and warn the masses.

I’m not even gonna bury the lede anymore, folks, I almost gave Chips Ahoy Blondie Baked Bites my first 0 out of 10.

Look, before I start, I just wanna say I actually enjoy Chewy Chips Ahoy, and I’ve loved every blondie I’ve ever had. It’s a golden brownie! Cool, nice change of pace, sign me up… but these… man…

In each baggie, you get a handful of little squares they call “Baked Bites,” but they’re really “Clay Clumps.”

The texture of said clumps is lost somewhere in the void between cookie and brownie. It’s not quite Chewy Chips Ahoy, but not quite brownie texture either – any brownie texture, whether you like moist, chewy brownies or crispier dryer brownies, these never get to either pole.

They resemble little pieces of edible cookie dough, but that’s usually softer and often chilled. If you bought edible cookie dough bites and left them uncovered on the counter for six hours, that might be the texture of Chips Ahoy Baked Bites. I kinda recall the inside of those terrible “Cookie Dough Bite” candies being similar, so imagine about twenty of those mashed together with less chocolate.

Needless to say, I’m not a fan of these bites texturally. That said, the texture is great compared to the taste. These are hot garbage.

I really try not to just flat out hate on things I review, but I hate these. “Hate” is a strong word that I genuinely want to eliminate from my vocabulary entirely. Maybe tomorrow. I hate these.

The flavor is as bland as bland can be. The chocolate chips are a desperate hint of a saving grace, but they are chalky and not flavorful enough to save whatever the batter is. These are just unpleasant with a mouth-drying, aspartamey aftertaste that doesn’t go away.

Would you like a dryer, denser Chewy Chips Ahoy with about 50% less sugar? I’ll answer for you. You wouldn’t. The grams of sugar must all be in the chocolate because the blondie part has no sweetness to speak of. These taste like the newspaper Blondie was printed on.

The “Chips Ahoy!” name on the box shouldn’t have an exclamation point but an interrobang (?) because I’m questioning what the heck I just ate. I also really wanted to write the word “interrobang.”

Man, these stink. With all the options out there, I’m prepared to call these unequivocally the worst sweet snack on shelves right now. I’ll die on that hill.

I don’t think I’ve ever said the word “blech” out loud until I ate these. That’s what these taste like, “blech.” They taste like some random onomatopoeia.

Yeah, so anyway, pick up a box. You’ll love ’em? (You probably won’t. Skip ’em.)

Purchased Price: $3.98
Size: 7.5 oz box/5 packs
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 13 grams of total sugars, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Red Bull Pink Edition Wild Berries Energy Drink

/ / Reviews / 1 Comment

I was wracking my brain, trying to find the perfect song from Alecia Moore, aka Pink, to sum up my feelings about Red Bull’s new “The Pink Edition.” Surely, a pop star with such myriad hits would have something – some song, some lyric – to help me express how this wild berry energy drink made me feel.

Alas, my search came up empty. It didn’t make me want to “get the party started.” It didn’t make me want to “raise my glass.” It was not “(censored) perfect.” I did, however, find the opening “lyrics” of her smash hit, “So What,” appropriate:

Na-na-na-na, na-na, na
Na-na-na-na na-na –
… and so on and so forth…

Nah. This ain’t it.

Now that I got that extremely clunky reach for an intro out of the way, allow me to introduce “The Pink Edition,” which, in an ironic turn of events, is a real snoozefest from Red Bull.

The Pink Edition tastes of “wild berries,” which seems like a flavor profile Red Bull would have tackled by now, but apparently not. Whenever I have something “berry” flavored, I like to try and guess which berries are being used, so I took my first sip without research.

First of all, this isn’t even really pink. It’s more red. It’s too red. Anyway, flavor-wise, I assumed rasp, black, and one of cran, blue, or straw. The standards. Sometimes something crazy happens and brands sneak in a boysen or a snozz, but those are usually the main “mixed” berries.

The Pink Edition smells like Strawberry Jell-o but just kinda tastes like a slightly underripe raspberry. On the surface, that’s not bad, but there was also a strange chaser in there. I couldn’t pinpoint whatever berry it was, so I cheated and checked Red Bull’s official summarization:

“Raspberry and other fruits complemented with exciting herbal notes.”

It’s red, and it’s just one berry. This is literally red bull.

Ignoring how they just hand-waved the other potential fruits, THAT made sense. This has a slight herbal taste to it. It’s not very exciting, but it made me feel a very specific way. As just an everyday energy booster, I wouldn’t recommend this flavor at all. It’s one of the most middling Red Bulls I’ve had in ages.

That being said, if I was sick, I would absolutely love this. I don’t wanna jinx myself, but when I’m under the weather, I live on Ricola cough drops and drink ice cold seltzer almost exclusively. That’s what this tasted like – an herby fruity cough drop melted into a seltzer.

Does that appeal to anyone except sick me? I’d imagine it doesn’t. It’s maybe not as medicinal as I’m making it seem, but that herbal element really leans towards it.

So yeah, not great. Unless you’re a sicko like me, skip it. You’ll probably wanna pour this pink drink down the sink. I wish I had Alecia LESS of this flavor.

Yeah, that’s a bookend, I guess. Hmm, maybe I am getting sick.

Purchased Price: $2.38
Size: 8.4 Fl. Oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 3 out of 10 (8 out of 10 if I had a fever)
Nutrition Facts: 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 90 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 26 grams of total sugars, 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Oreo Loaded Cookies

/ / Reviews / 6 Comments

“Everything old is new again” is a famous quote that I should probably attribute to the original writer, but that dude ain’t around anymore. I’m sure he wouldn’t care.

For the sake of the following review, I’m going to attribute said quote to the R&D genius over at Nabisco/Mondelez who came up with the brilliant idea to stuff Oreos with Oreos.

Yep, we’ve reached the point in time where Oreo flavor spinoffs have come so full circle that we can now buy Oreo-flavored Oreos… and I’m not mad about it.

Two years ago, I reviewed “The Most Oreo,” and I gotta be honest here, folks, I think the new “Oreo Loaded” is just “The Most Oreo” with a fresh coat of paint. I’m consciously choosing not to re-read that review until I finish this one to see if I came to the same conclusion.

Ok, actually, “Oreo Loaded” being an exact replica of “The Most Oreo” isn’t entirely true. While they are both essentially “cookies and crème” flavored Oreos (I know, just go with it), I do not believe we reached “most” levels with the Oreo Loaded. These have a little more than your standard “Double Stuf” but do not reach the ludicrous thickness of “The Most Oreo.”

These land between “The Most Oreo” and “Double Stuf” calorically, so I think my thesis checks out.

Look, it’s a big fat Oreo with a little more Oreo essence thrown in. This is a slam dunk positive review. Do you like Oreos? Want an even fatter Oreo? Me too. These are very good, but allow me to nitpick just a bit.

The amount of crème is enough to where you start to notice just how chalky it is. I think the added element of “REAL Oreo cookie crumbs” (I know, just go with it) in said crème makes it dryer and a bit less palatable than you’re used to.

These are also easily the most brittle Oreos I’ve ever had. Perhaps I got a bad batch, but every single cookie I ate – every single one – broke into pieces in ways unnatural to an Oreo. For a sandwich cookie, I usually get a pretty clean halved bite with Oreos; here, each bite breaks the wafers into quarters at least. Also, I broke numerous cookie discs while doing the classic Oreo twist. It’s as if the crumbs in the crème were extracted directly from the cookies, ruining their structural integrity.

That’s it. Other than the excruciating lack of creativity, I have no complaints. I bought a pack of obese Oreos, and baby, I liked me some obese Oreos. Sure, they were a little gritty, a little crumby, and I could only enjoy about three in a sitting, but they are legitimately great.

2025 seems to already be the year of “everything old is new again” (… I know, just try to go with it?), but I guess we can take a little comfort in obese Oreos. I wanted to rail on how “Oreo stuffed Oreos” are almost insultingly repetitive, but I just can’t. I like Oreos. Maybe next time when Nabisco releases “Oreo Reloaded,” it can stuff Oreos with Hydrox and really shock the world.

Purchased Price: $4.88
Size: 13.37 oz package
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 Cookies) 180 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Glazed Donut Holes Cereal

/ / Reviews / 1 Comment

Time to fake the donuts.

Donuts are probably my favorite food, and the kid in me still gets excited every time I see a new cereal on the shelf, but as far as cereals based on donut flavors… Has there ever truly been a good one?

Donut cereals are usually just generic “O” shaped pieces with gimmicky branding. It just seems like an easy way to pass off a new idea for a quick buck. Look, I still get that fun jolt of arrested development when I see donuts on a cereal box, but the flavor always ends up being lazy. Doncha think it’s time the Breakfast Gods bless us with a truly innovative donut-based cereal?

Me too. Ya gotta keep waiting, though, because new Kellogg’s Glazed Donut Hole Cereals ain’t it.

On paper, the idea of turning three of Kellogg’s most prominent offerings into little “glazed” donut bites might seem fun, but dare I say these may be the laziest donut cereal attempts to date?

Of the three flavors – Frosted Flakes, Krave, and Apple Jacks – I’ll be reviewing the first two.

Frosted Flakes

They’re sweet. They’re flakey. They’re iconic. Well, now they’re bland little balls. They’re ironic? Probably not, I don’t actually know what irony is, but these are a snoozefest.

I can only describe the flavor as “sweet-ish.” Not Swedish, “sweet-ish.” You get a basic sweet corn cereal taste with a texture I’d compare to a less dense Peanut Butter Crunch. The flavor is so light they almost taste like Kix. They’re lacking such a punch that you could’ve told me they were a brand of “healthy” alternative cereal purchased from Whole Foods. They don’t deliver on the promise at all. They’rrrrrrre GGG-onna need to go back to the drawing board on this one.

Krave

I have an admission, I’ve never had Krave. I’ve loved some “filled pillow” cereals in the past, but they have escaped me since their inception for some reason. While I can’t speak on Krave in their true form, they make for a decent “glazed” donut hole. They’re ok. I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t happy either, but…

These are essentially “Cocoa Puffs Lite.” It’s as if Sonny the Cuckoo Bird finally got on meds and just chilled out for a little bit. While that sounds boring, they’re easily the better of the two. I’m on record as saying most chocolate cereals taste the same, so I don’t mind this lighter chocolate flavor. The dusty white “glaze” gives them a little bit of a hot cocoa flavor vibe.

The back of each box boasts “Glazed in Genius,” but these are dumb and unglazed. It’s just a faint white coating. Both cereals look similar, with Krave having a slightly darker hue.

Kellogg’s Glazed Donut Holes are, at best, “inoffensive.” They took multiple cereals out of their unique forms for no reason. It’s like the factory setting was stuck on “ball” one day, and they just rolled with it – pun possibly intended.

Donut cereals do-nut work. Pun not intended. Donut hole cereals are especially baffling. There have been approximately 4,389 ball-shaped cereals that we could’ve passed off as “donut holes.” I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I feel like this is some kind of “shrinkflation” ploy where balls are cheaper to produce or something. If donut hole cereals worked, we’d have “Dunkin’ Crunchkins” by now.

If curiosity gets the best of you and you buy these, just mix ’em together. It makes for a slightly better bowl of cereal. Who knows, maybe the Apple Jack version slaps, but Frosted Flakes and Krave are duds.

Purchased Price: $4.99 each
Size: 10 oz. Boxes
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Frosted Flakes), 5 out of 10 (Krave)
Nutrition Facts: (1 cup) Frosted Flakes – 140 calories, 1.5 gram of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Krave – 130 calories, 1.5 gram of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.