The Impulsive Buy

Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Pepperidge Farm Dessert Shop Chocolate Brownie Cookies

Hi, my name is Blade and I’m here to review some cookies.

You may have heard of me. I am also known as the Daywalker—I am a vampire. Well, I was born half-human, half-vampire. So I have all their strengths and none of their weaknesses, except for the blood thirst. But I manage to keep that in check with a serum, and I can walk around in the sunlight like all the rest of you. I’m basically a regular human being with super strength, reflexes and a healing factor.

To be upfront, I think some of those qualities make me superior to human beings and perhaps transcendent to human rules, but the IRS doesn’t agree, and subsequently I’ve run into tax problems, which explains why I’m writing about baked goods on a website. And I’ve eaten human flesh, which means my tastes are more adventurous than yours, I’m sure.

However, I do have a sweet tooth. Love those snacks. They come far second on the list of cravings, though, behind human blood. To recap: Number one craving with a (silver) bullet, human blood. Number two, baked sweets. My aunt used to make these snickerdoodles that were sublime. You guys tried cronuts yet? The real ones from New York. Amazing, right? Dominique Ansel done changed the game! How about pureed frozen bananas? Stuff tastes just like ice cream! Yeah, I love sweets. Number three is probably gas station Spam musubi, believe it or not.

Being half something and half something else, the folks at this site thought it would be a good idea for me to review the Pepperidge Farm Dessert Shop Chocolate Brownie Cookies, because it’s half a cookie, half a brownie. Here is the question: Does this product combine the strengths of the cookie and the brownie? Or is it all weakness, like those new Spider-Man films? The short answer is no, this cookie is not awesome like me. It is just okay.

It is soft, so soft and chewy, like the best cookies. The initial bite has a light, bitter cocoa sting with a hint of sweetness, like a brownie! It’s pretty good. And the cookie never gets too sweet, either. I like my chocolate on the bitter side and I like my Avengers movies quippy. The problem is that the cookie doesn’t go anywhere else. There’s no depth of flavor. It’s not rounded out by a torrent of butter or balanced with any other sensation. It just keeps hitting the bitter note over and over, which gets tiring. It’s also chewy but not gooey, like a brownie would be. The density is of a supermarket mass-produced cookie, and not of a deep, cakey, homemade casserole-dish brick of cocoa goodness.

You can see chocolate chips in the cookie, but you can’t really taste them in the product. The chips get lost in the shuffle somewhere, overshadowed, so seeing them there is like being teased. I bet it’s sort of like being imbued with an unquenchable thirst for human blood and seeing humans walking around literally everywhere, walking, dancing, taunting, necks exposed, welcoming, and never once taking a sip. Or maybe like a chocolate lap dance. It’s disappointing that the cookie does not live up to the Frankenstein potential of a cookie-brownie, but the flavoring spins so far out of control in one singular direction it doesn’t even function that well as a cookie-cookie.

The Pepperidge Farm Dessert Shop Chocolate Brownie will not be making it into Blade’s cookie rotation. It’s a valiant attempt at combining brownie powers and cookie powers into one thing, but it’s a little bit of a reminder that the X-Men are special, and, really, most genetic mutations end in early death and not in telekinesis or the power of flight. I guess against all odds companies will always try to harness the warm, homey goodness of a brownie into items. “Motherfudgers always trying to ice skate uphill.” That’s a quote of mine that I altered to appropriately fit into this piece.

Thanks for reading, folks. And a quick reminder I am immune to garlic so I am available to review non-Olive Garden Italian cuisine. And vampires don’t sparkle! Gosh, Twilight is my Madea. I guess Madea is also my Madea. Shout out to Joss Whedon. I’m available for the next Avengers. Or Ant-Man! I’ll take Ant-Man! Edgar Wright, I loved Shaun of the Dead. It should have been vampires and not zombies, though. Everybody check out Let the Right One In. Check out all my movies too. I’m not in Blades of Glory, though. That’s not me. Hmm, actually, also, I’m only half human, so I should only pay half human taxes. Okay, I’m going to go re-fill out my W-9. Bye.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Pepperidge Farm Dessert Shop Chocolate Brownie Cookies
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 8.6 ounce bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Not too sweet. Chewy, soft. Not terrible.
Cons: Flat flavoring. No depth. Goes nowhere. Boring.

May 21, 2014
REVIEW: Harvey’s Strawberry Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich (Canada)

Harvey’s, a popular Canadian burger chain, recently came out with an ice cream sandwich made with Strawberry Pop-Tarts; this is not to be confused with the Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich, also made with Strawberry Pop-Tarts (and thanks to Harvey’s’ lawyers, Hardee’s is actually not allowed to call themselves Hardee’s in Canada, and instead must go by Carl’s Jr., which is basically the same restaurant, just with a different name).

What was I talking about? Oh yes, Pop-Tarts, ice cream, and the sandwich born from their union.

It was actually better than I thought it would be. For one thing, I was afraid the sandwich would be made with untoasted Pop-Tarts. There are two types of people in the world: people who like their Pop-Tarts toasted, and people who are wrong. I don’t know what the afterlife entails, but I know that those raw Pop-Tart eating maniacs will never get there — they will be condemned to wander for all eternity in a horrifying purgatory, cursed with the terrible knowledge that it was their ill-advised opinion on Pop Tarts that brought them there.

Thankfully, the Pop-Tarts here are toasted — lightly toasted, but enough to remove that doughy flavour and texture that uncooked Pop Tarts have.

I thought that perhaps the sandwiches would be assembled on the spot, however they are actually created in advance and frozen, Pop-Tarts and all. A sandwich made with a warm Pop-Tart, with the ice cream starting to get melty, and with a satisfying contrast between hot and cold would have been nice, but alas.

Though I was afraid that the freezing process would make the filling of the Pop-Tart unpleasantly hard, I was again happy to be proven wrong. The deep freeze actually gives the filling a pleasantly toothsome chew; this worked quite well in the context of an ice cream sandwich.

The ice cream itself was fine. It has a generically sweet, creamy taste, without much vanilla flavour. But it’s smooth and not icy at all, and honestly, if you were expecting much better than that from a Pop-Tart sandwich from Harvey’s, then you clearly have your own issues you need to work out. It is what it is. If you’ve ever had those budget ice cream sandwiches from the supermarket, you know what to expect from the ice cream.

The whole thing results in a dessert that’s actually fairly satisfying. It’s not overly sweet and there’s a little bit of tartness (Pop-Tartness?) from the filling. There’s a good contrast of textures between the Pop-Tart and the ice cream, and the price feels right at two bucks.

(Nutrition Facts – Nutrition facts not available on Harvey’s website.)

Item: Harvey’s Strawberry Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich
Purchased Price: $1.99 CAN
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Harvey’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Contains a Pop-Tart that is toasted rather than raw. Decent quality vanilla ice cream. The frozen Pop-Tart has a satisfying chewiness. Only two bucks.
Cons: The ice cream isn’t exactly gourmet. A sandwich assembled fresh with a hot Pop-Tart would have been nice.

May 20, 2014
REVIEW: Doritos Jacked Test Flavor 404

I’ve always been a huge fan of Doritos’ test flavor gimmicks. From the cheeseburgery reveal of Doritos X-13D to Doritos The Quest, which turned out to be Mountain Dew and was surprisingly good. I’m glad Doritos brought back this stunt, even if it’s for their stubborn sibling, the Jacked line.

I have to say the packaging really piques my excitement. I’m not sure if it’s the silver faux-futuristic bags that echo Fritz Lang’s Metropolis or maybe it is the words “TEST FLAVOR” themselves. Either way, the people that designed this get my high fives.

When they were first announced, it was 2007 all over for me again where losers were wearing blinged out pseudo ripped jeans, had fauxhawks, put on aggro printed t-shirts and topped off their ensemble with Von Dutch caps. And the damned music…Daughtry and Paramore were overplayed (why they were played at all, I am unsure), while all of us geeks swooned over Morgan Webb and discovered the Midnight Juggernauts.

Feverishly, I went to various Walmarts, Targets and Publixes to no avail. After a couple of weeks of looking, I gave up and decided to do something more productive and level up my monk in Diablo III: Reaper of Souls.

One afternoon at lunch, I needed to buy some three ring trading card nine-pocket plastic sheets for my Wacky Packages (another reason why the ladies love me). Ironically, the Target I found them in was the one I’ve avoided because it’s near a huge university and seriously…I don’t have time for that bullshit.

There they were in neatly stacked piles. The last time I gawked stupidly at foil packaging was when a past girlfriend asked me, annoyed, what’s taking me so long to get a rubber. They were all the 404 version and although I was sad that the other two test flavors were not there, I grabbed two packages and gleefully ran out.

Upon ripping open the bag, I buried my nose into it like it was the 80’s, Miami Vice-style, and inhaled. There was a deep and earthy molasses/brown sugar scent that is immediate. It then faded into cumin-like tones with a light fake-citrus smell. I can compare the earthy wafts to a fresh out of the oven baked sweet potato if you squeezed a lemon on it.

The chips themselves had a burnt orange “spray tan look” that were a few shades darker enough to let you know that it meant fucking business. You could see the seasoning flecks as if your eyes had microscopic vision and the chips felt heavier.

I know it sounds crazy but I like the lighter feel of normal Doritos chips and think the more rigid Jacked chips take away from the crunch experience. However, those powdery flavor dustballs have enough heft that they shake off your hands easily.

Eating one, the smoky tortilla corn chip was the most prevalent flavor at first. Then a rich sweetness with garlicky notes washed my tongue as I chewed. There was an unidentifiable complexity in the chip that almost tasted like five spice powder. Last, a citrusy tart zing that tasted of key limes and kumquats grabbed my taste buds and doggy styled it into submission. There was also a faint tinge of heat, which was nice.

I couldn’t really say what the flavor was except that it definitely had this Asian Thai sweet chili sauce thing going on. Looking at the ingredients, I saw lime juice solids and orange juice solids, which may explain the slight tartness that sort of made my cheeks tickle.

The bold flavors joined in a symphony that demanded you pay some friggin’ attention. These chips were the aces! I was impressed and surprised that Doritos was able to bring a flavor that I had not really tasted yet or could truly compare to another flavor. In fact, my only gripe is that the chips seemed too heavy and stiff (thanks Jacked) but who cares once you get to that flavor.

If Frito-Lay wants to make any one of the three a regular flavor, they will probably pick the safest route and these will go the way G4TV did (damn you Esquire channel). If you can find Doritos Jacked Test Flavor 404, I highly recommend picking these up because I doubt they will be made again.

I have to commend Frito-Lay for really pushing the envelope on its Doritos flavors, even if it’s a limited time thing. Sure I may never get a second round of Doritos Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips but these 404, if they become a regular offering, will satiate my wants.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 chips – 140 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Doritos Jacked Test Flavor 404
Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: 10 ounce bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The Asian-like complex flavors that are earthy, tart and sweet. The flavor dust easily shakes off your hand. The Doritos line has brought back the test flavors gimmick. G4’s Attack of the Show!
Cons: The heavy stiff chip is not the best. It’s hard to find these in my area. Blinged out faux ripped jeans. Esquire Network’s Lucky Bastards.

May 19, 2014
REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins

Consistency is a glorious, necessary trait for humanity. Not just being consistently good at something, mind you—like the SEC’s year in and year out domination of college football—but in being predictable in any sort of behavior or result.

It’s the kind of attribute which keeps order in the universe. Which allows us, at the end of the day, to know Jack Bauer will save the world from a catastrophic nuclear incident, or regardless of whatever the new Star Wars movies feature, the Stormtroopers are still going to suck at shooting.

You know what’s not consistent? Wheat Thins’ Limited Edition Dill Pickle crisps. They’re so woefully inconsistent. They remind me of what would happen if an NFL team ever alternated Tom Brady and Tony Romo for every other snap (note to Madden players, this is not advisable on All-Madden mode.) Rarely have I encountered a snack I’ve wanted to love so much and wanted to hate so passionately; seldom have I partaken in a game of flavor roulette like the one I experienced when dunking my hands into the neon-green pickle graced box.

I guess I should go back to the start of this love-hate relationship. I had high hopes for these given that I’m a card carrying dill pickle fiend. Okay, not so much that I would name my second-born son after the combination of herbs and vinegar, but enough that I get chided by friends for adding dill pickles to every sandwich imaginable. BLT? Better make that a BLTP. Peanut Butter and Jelly? Hey it’s not as crazy as it sounds! And don’t ask me to exercise restraint in the presence of Route 11’s Dill Pickle potato chips, which have just the right amount of zing and zang to perk up an otherwise refreshing and floral herb flavor.

The aroma of the crackers is intense, with a sort of unnatural and heavy smell that’s more reminiscent of a straight-up jar of Mt. Olive pickles than your standard dill pickle potato chips. The seasoning seems twofold in nature, with specks of both green dried dill weed and an odd powdery white substance adorning the crackers in varying levels of coverage. It’s this inconsistent coverage which I soon found to be the crackers’ undoing.

Those which aired on the lighter side of seasoning, with less of the powdery white substance and more of the dried dill, had a restrained vinegar flavor that perked my taste buds to the ensuing malty, wheaty sweetness of the cracker. Just the right amount of salt rounded out the sweetness, which reaches its apex upon the trademark crunch and glutinous chew.

That was cracker number one. Cracker number two proved less enjoyable. A lot less enjoyable. The chief culprit seems to be the powdery white substance. Heavy like the seasoning for sour cream, it’s got a buttermilk funk and an overbearing vinegar flavor that tastes way too much like pure dill pickle brine. Not the pickle, mind you, but the freaking brine. It’s just too strong and lacking any of the floral qualities of dill to render it as a true dill pickle flavor. In fact, it’s so overwhelming I would have thought I was eating white vinegar-flavored Wheat Thins. The worst part of the experience? The flavor overwhelms the backend malty sweetness, and damages the otherwise worthy Wheat Thins base.

That was cracker two. Cracker three was somewhere in between these two extremes, while cracker four was even better than cracker one, having little of the white residue to torment me with its excessive fermented funk. It was at that point that the Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins and I decided to take a break from each other. Rather, it was at this point that I decided I needed a snack I could count on.

The Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins are the worst kind of snack imaginable because they manage to be both maddeningly heavy and repulsive but also herbaceously crunchtastic at the same time. Depending on the level of seasoning you encounter you’re either facing third and eleven with Tony Romo bound to screw it up, or Tom Brady ready to deliver a comeback touchdown toss. That kind of inconsistency is fine if you’re trying to test the limits of Madden NFL 2015, but it’s definitely not something I want in my snacks.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 crackers – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, 4 grams of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 9 oz box
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful dill pickle flavor can be balanced, giving just the right combination of vinegar tang and herbaceous relief. Wheat Thins base is excellent as always. Background malt flavor meshes well with the dill. Crunchier than regular pickles and not as slimy. Knowing Stormtroopers will still suck at shooting in Episode VII.
Cons: Depending on the amount of seasoning, can be overbearing and excessively briny. Like drinking pickle juice on a hot summer and then taking a three mile run. Unrealistic hypothetical NFL personnel decisions only possible in Madden

May 14, 2014
REVIEW: International Delight Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Cream Iced Coffee

If you were to hack into the databases that contain my Safeway and Target purchases, you’d know I buy a lot of International Delight Iced Coffee…and Pepto Bismol. However, because I buy IDIC regularly (yes, I’m too lazy to type its name out, but not lazy enough to type an aside that says I’m too lazy to type its name out), I’ve gotten a little tired of the flavors they have — original, mocha, vanilla, and caramel macchiato.

The overcaffienated folks at International Delight (ID) have a long history of teaming up with other brands to make a variety of coffee creamers that’ll make any burnt office coffee (Except yours, Brad!) taste so much better, like Almond Joy, Cinnabon, Heath, York Peppermint Patty, Cold Stone Creamery, and Hershey’s. And now the jittery employees at ID have done the same with their iced coffee, creating International Delight Cold Stone Creamery Sweet Cream Iced Coffee and Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme Iced Coffee.

The latter combines iced coffee with the flavor of Hershey’s I-Want-To-Say-They’re-Popular-But-I’ve-Never-Seen-Anyone-Buy-Them Cookies ’n’ Creme candy bar. If you’re one of those people who has never purchased a Hershey’s Cookies ’n’ Creme bar, it’s made with white chocolate and tiny chocolate cookie balls. Although I’ve never seen anyone else buy it, I do purchase it on occasion and prefer it over a regular milk chocolate Hershey’s bar because of its flavor and it’s like a bizarro Nestle Crunch bar.

In previous IDIC reviews, I mentioned how the coffee flavor is heavily masked by the cream, sugar, and flavoring, but it’s somewhat noticeable. Well, with International Delight’s Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme Iced Coffee it’s almost nonexistent, getting lost within the chocolate cookie balls flavoring. This causes the creamy beverage to taste more like a cookies ’n’ creme-flavored milk. This will be a problem for those who enjoy the flavor of coffee, but it appears it hasn’t been an issue for me because I’ve purchased three cartons so far. Actually, I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired of the other flavors, but this flavor is now my favorite.

What I like most about International Delight’s Hershey’s Cookies ’n’ Creme Iced Coffee is how they nailed the flavor of the chocolate cookie balls from the candy bar. It’s as if they went the cereal milk route and dumped a bunch of chocolate cookie balls into an iced coffee with a lot of milk and then strained the liquid. The creme doesn’t taste like white chocolate, which is a good thing because I don’t think white chocolate milk would be pleasing.

International Delight’s Hershey’s Cookies ’n’ Creme Iced Coffee is creamy and thick (Thanks cream and carrageenan!) and has a unique flavor that makes it taste like a fancy chocolate milk. A caffeinated fancy chocolate milk, I might add (76 milligrams of caffeine per cup). I’ll definitely be purchasing more with my Pepto Bismol.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 150 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and 15% calcium..)

Item: International Delight Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Cream Iced Coffee
Purchased Price: $4.99 (on sale)
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: My favorite International Delight Iced Coffee flavor. International Delight nailed the chocolatey cookie flavor and it’s the most dominant flavor. Thick and creamy (Thanks cream and carrageenan). If it’s like their other flavors, it has 76 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Getting to type “chocolate cookie balls” several times in a review.
Cons: Drink something else or add more coffee to this if you love the flavor of coffee, because it’s like drinking Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme milk. Still no caffeine content listed on carton.

May 13, 2014