Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Snickers Rockin’ Nut Road Bar

Margaret 14 Comments

STOP! Put your hand down. Just…put it down. That’s right. I know you want the regular Snickers. It’s tempting. Chocolate shell, gooey caramel, chunky peanuts. I get it. It’s enough to turn the most depressed, calloused pick-ax-yielder into a skipping, self-expressive frolicker who makes dainty floral arrangements. The magic that is chocolate, caramel, and peanut-y goo knows no bounds.

At the same time, such magic can become slightly dulled, jaded by the soft familiarity of repetition and safety. No shame in going the safe route with a Snickers, but if you’re looking to add a little depth to your chocolate, a little vanilla to your nougat, a little metaphorical fabric softener to what may otherwise be a stiff Snickers routine, then may I present to you a source of salvation in the form of a 1.73-ounce bar.

Watch as it draws you in like a hungry piñata craving candy for its belly.

Immediately upon opening the wrapper, one can tell this is the stuff of alchemy, the product of some wizard and his highly skilled protégé. Just look at that semisweet chocolate. That gooey caramel. Heck, if you crunch at just the right angle, you can hear the magical wizard dust talking to you, which, now that I think on it, brings up an abundance of questions: When did wizard dust gain the evolutionary skills to perform linguistic communication? And how did said talking dust particles survive being compressed into a bar? Are they indestructible? Does this mean they will outlast the human species?? How can I leave behind a positive legacy before I rot and decay and get replaced by magical wizard dust??!

After getting all anxious about my mortality, I realize I never would’ve contemplated looking for more ways to act positively today had it not been for eating this bar, so thank you, Snickers, for sponsoring this brief philosophical tangent.

The Snickers’ dashing good looks graciously transfer themselves over to the flavor. The crispy, semisweet chocolate shell holds a sweet, gritty melt with a hint of coffee, making for an experience that reminds me of Dove Dark Chocolate squares without the inspirational quotes. The original malt nougat has been replaced with a fluff of starch-white vanilla fluff. The taste is outright sweet with hints of vanilla extract popping through each bite, adding a surprising sparkle to the darker chocolate much like a firework. But without a fuse. Or fire hazards. Or charcoal-enhanced lighting patterns in the sky. Okay, so maybe nothing like a firework.

The caramel is the only element that seems to have directly transferred itself from the original, and it is a welcome element, indeed. Thankfully, it remains the sweet, stringy goo of the original, making for an excellent canal upon which to hold nubbins of nuts, and like a good pair of cufflinks, those nuts add the perfect finishing touch. In this case, the peanuts have been replaced by almonds, which are fresh and slightly toasted, add a hint of woodsy saltiness alongside the signature crunch called forth for any Snickers experience. The power of these disparate elements unite to form a mishmash that is Rocky Road Ice Cream in candy bar form, a combination so good that it’s… it’s…

(Wants to say something in French, but realizes she doesn’t speak French)…

C’est manifique?! Oui! Bonjour!

If candy bars were Las Vegas entertainers, Snickers Rockin’ Nut Road would be David Copperfield: blending the whacky pops and sparkles of a sugary sweet, slightly buttery caramel with crunchy almond nibbles and a semisweet chocolate to make something pretty spectacular. Add to that a fluffy, marshmallow-like nougat and you’ve got all of these sleight of hands and daft illusions that make for a unique, successful endgame. Look out, David Copperfield. You’ve got some competition.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 230 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, less than 2 grams of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Snickers Rockin’ Nut Road Bar
Purchased Price: $1.29
Size: 1.73 ounces
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy outer shell. Chocolate similar to Dove dark chocolate. Marshmallow nougat. Pops of sweet vanilla. Crunchy, toasty almond halves. Rocky Road in candy bar form. Reasons to fill hungry piñatas. David Copperfield’s got competition.
Cons: Limited time only. Some may not like artificial vanilla. Slivered almonds not as chunky as peanuts. Sad, calloused pick-ax-wielders. Talking wizard dust that plan to take over the world.

REVIEW: Subway Pepperoni Flatizza

Marvo 15 Comments

Subway Pepperoni Flatizza

It was fascinating to watch the 60-something-year-old woman create my Subway Pepperoni Flatizza.

She somewhat violently plopped a regular Subway flatbread onto the preparation table, treating it like it was a ball of pizza dough. But after that she took her time and made my Flatizza with care.

Perhaps she took her time because no one was behind me in line. Or maybe she wanted to admire my dashing good looks for as long as she could because I reminded her of a long lost love.

With a tiny ladle, the cutest serving instrument I’d ever seen, she scooped up three servings of sauce and placed them in the middle of the flatbread. And then using the ladle’s head, she began spreading the sauce across the flatbread with a short raking motion that’s usually learned from office zen garden ownership.

Her glove covered hands then grabbed several slices of pepperoni. I thought those large slices would be awesome to see on the Flatizza, but then she stacked the slices, took her bread carving knife, and cut the pepperoni into strips.

“NOOOOOO!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” I yelled internally, but expressed externally with a quiet sigh. But then I calmed myself down after realizing it’s still the same amount of pepperoni but just in strip form…and they were going to be covered with cheese.

Wait. What?

“NOOOOOO!!! PEPPERONI GOES ON TOP OF THE CHEESE!” I screamed on the inside, but expressed externally with the massaging of my temples.

She then sprinkled two handfuls of shredded cheese on top, creating a thick layer that would shrink while inside Subway proprietary toaster oven. While she did make my Flatizza with care, what came out of the oven looked like something that was hastily prepared by a drunk monkey.

Subway Pepperoni Flatizza Closeup

The Flatizza was then cut into four square-ish pieces with what I believe is Subway’s proprietary Flatizza cutter and then placed into a small pizza box.

I can imagine it’s hard to look at the pictures in this post and not think, “That’s going to suck.” However, while it may not look very appetizing, I have to say I liked it.

Subway Pepperoni Flatizza Closerup

The cheese melted nicely, was gooey, and had a indistinct cheesy flavor; the sauce had a cheap, but pleasant tangy and slightly sweet flavor; the sauce mostly hides the pepperoni’s flavor; it’s weird to see orange cheese on top of a pizza; only the edges of the mostly flavorless flatbread are somewhat crispy; and it’s not even close to being as tasty as anything from Pizza Hut, Domino’s, or Papa John’s.

Yes, I did just type, cheap sauce, mostly flavorless flatbread, very little pepperoni flavor, and not as good as anything from big pizza chains. “So how can you like it?” you’re probably asking through your monitor.

I guess the only way I can explain it is to say it’s just one of those things where so many wrongs make a right.

(Nutrition Facts – 500 calories, 230 calories from fat, 26 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1340 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Pepperoni Flatizza
Purchased Price: $4.00
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Despite all the negatives, I liked it. So many wrongs seem to have made a right. Sauce has a pleasant tangy and slightly sweet flavor. Cheese was melted nicely and gooey.
Cons: Cheap tasting sauce. Flatbread is crispy only on the edges. Pepperoni is masked by the sauce. Weird to see orange cheese on a pizza and pepperoni below the cheese. Not even close to being as good as anything from a big pizza chain.

REVIEW: Edy’s Limited Edition Bakery Treats Slow Churned Ice Cream (Coffee & Cookies Delight and Cinnamon Bun Fun)

Adam 2 Comments

Edy's Limited Edition Bakery Treats Slow Churned Ice Cream

You know what’s great? Alliteration. Like cookies and coffee, cakes and candy, and all kinds of words that spike your insulin levels by just saying them. You know what’s also great? Assonance. Like cinnamon bun, fun, and “ummm, did I really just eat that whole thing?” And you know what’s not at all great?

Getting fat from eating ice cream stuffed with all that wonderful stuff, that’s what.

Thankfully, Edy’s (Dreyer’s for all you westerners) has a suitable solution. Aha! More word games!

I speak of the new Bakery Treats line, which is offered in both Grand and Slow Churned varieties. The limited edition ice cream comes in three flavors: Luscious Red Velvet Cake, Coffee & Cookies Delight, and Cinnamon Bun Fun.

Since February seems to be the de facto red velvet month, thanks to Valentine’s Day, I considered it my moral obligation to avoid Luscious Red Velvet Cake. Besides, it’s not every day that coffee and cookies combine in ice cream, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has felt an overwhelming temptation to make a trip to TCBY right after hitting up a Cinnabon.

Edy's Limited Edition Bakery Treats Slow Churned Ice Cream Cookies and Coffee

It’s typical to assume the cookie element in most ice creams is either your generic Oreo-type or chocolate chip cookie dough. You can’t go wrong with either, but sometimes a guy just wants something different, you know? That’s what I loved about the Coffee & Cookies Delight, which has an E.L. Fudge-type chocolate covered shortbread.

Edy's Limited Edition Bakery Treats Slow Churned Ice Cream Coffee and Cookies Cone

As you can see from the photo, there are some generous cookie pieces in each scoop. The cookies retain a nice crunch and fudgy flavor, even though the ingredient list doesn’t show any cocoa butter. I did find myself wishing for a more buttery shortbread, but at 110 calories a serving, one learns to temper his or her expectations.

That said, the texture is very good for a low-fat ice cream. Gone are the days of comparisons to snow cones or gummy bears, and while the Slow Churned varieties won’t be mistaken for Häagen-Dazs, it has an enjoyable mouthfeel that comes across as creamy.

Like many of today’s low-fat ice creams, the place it runs into trouble is in the flavor. There’s just something about not having that rich dairy finish of cream that never leaves me quite as satiated when enjoying low-fat ice cream, and in the case of the coffee flavor, it’s an injustice.

The coffee flavor is watered down and not as strong or earthy-sweet as Edy’s Slow Churned Coffee. It’s diluted like the cheap coffee your non-Google office stocks, and it doesn’t taste sweet or strong enough to enjoy on its own. Altogether it’s an enjoyable flavor because of the cookies, but don’t count on it if you’re a coffee ice cream snob, which I kind of am.

Edy's Limited Edition Bakery Treats Slow Churned Ice Cream Cinnamon Bun Fun

That’s okay though, because God invented Buy One, Get One Free, and I just so happened to also pick up the Slow Churned version of Edy’s Cinnamon Bun Fun. Other bloggers have raved about the Grand version and even the Slow Churned one, and I’m happy to report these reviews are acceptably accurate.

Edy's Limited Edition Bakery Treats Slow Churned Ice Cream Cinnamon Bun Cone

The sweet base tastes of fresh cream and cinnamon, while a thick, almost praline-like cinnamon and graham crumble spirals down into the container, creating a stepladder of buttery brown sugar flavor and texture. I found each spoonful to contain more than the requisite cinnamon-graham swirl needed to qualify for “guilty pleasure” status, with the added bonus that a serving barely tops the 100 calorie mark.

Given that a standard half cup is hardly worthy of an actual serving, it’s still notable that even a fat kid-sized cone probably won’t run more than 300 calories or so. Most impressively, the flavor comes closer to any I’ve previously encountered when recreating the flavor of the classic cinnamon bun, even though most cinnamon buns don’t connote graham flavor. It’s surprisingly addictive and you might say it’s even good enough to make you question if it’s really so low in fat.

I give Edy’s credit. Some ice cream companies, don’t even try to do the healthy thing. Others concede that they’re more than happy to provide you and me with sucky “frozen dairy” products when calories are a concern. But in the new Slow Churned Bakery Treats flavors, Edy’s has found something as great as combining alliteration with assonance and keeping it creamy and delicious too.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – Coffee & Cookies Delight – 110 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein. Cinnamon Bun Fun – 110 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Edy’s Limited Edition Bakery Treats Slow Churned Ice Cream (Coffee & Cookies Delight and Cinnamon Bun Fun)
Purchased Price: $5.99 (on sale – BOGO)
Size: 1.5 quarts
Purchased at: Giant Food
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Coffee & Cookies Delight)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Cinnamon Bun Fun)
Pros: Cinnamon Bun Fun has wonderfully crunchy brown sugar and graham cracker swirl that perfectly recreates the center part of a cinnamon roll. Tastes rich and creamy and indulgent while still being low fat (allegedly). Ginormous E.L. Fudge-type shortbread cookies in the Coffee & Cookies Delight. Alliteration. Assonance. Having fat kid sized ice cream cones and not getting fat.
Cons: The coffee flavor of Coffee and Cookies Delight tastes like diluted office coffee. Cinnamon bun swirl could be a bit more viscous and buttery. Cream flavor of the ice cream is only average. Probably not as good as full fat versions.

REVIEW: Subway Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt

Kevin 28 Comments

Subway Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt 1

We live in an interconnected world. Elvis walked into the White House and shook Nixon’s hand. Abbott and Costello met Frankenstein. Steve Urkel annoyed both Uncle Jesse and Patrick Duffy. I once sat in a Ford Explorer with Eddie Bauer logos on it. We’re all star stuff, guys. It’s exciting.

When titans meet, it’s a reminder that we’re all on the same team, that we all indeed occupy the same universe. Tommy Lee Jones was Al Gore’s college dorm mate, y’all. Betty Crocker uses Hershey chocolate in its mixes! The Justice League fought the Avengers. Doritos Locos Tacos!

So when Subway unveiled its Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt, I was eager to get one in my maw. I mean, I had already been manually putting chips on my sandwich for years. Wait. Sorry. We’ve already been manually putting chips on our sandwiches for years. (Right? Right?! High fives all around.) Now two giant corporations are joining forces to put chips on a sandwich.

They have research teams and focus groups and everything. This thing should be a masterpiece. I bought a lobster bib and scratched out the picture of a lobster and replaced it with a drawing of a smiling lobster eating a sandwich with chips on it. I’m ready. I’m cheering in my seat.

Subway Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt 5

Unfortunately, I am loath to report that Subway and Frito-Lay came together and birthed the half-breed antichrist of sandwiches. It gurgled and writhed in pain and asked me to put it out of its misery, and after I ate it, I asked the same of myself.

The tragic journey begins in the Subway assembly line. “I want to make it look like the poster,” I say. The sandwich artist grumbles something incoherent and conjures a foot-long flatbread from the ether. The chicken comes pre-sauced and looks all wet. Two (2!) small bags of Fritos are dumped onto the sandwich. “Whoa, I’ve never seen that before,” cries out the guy behind me in line. Lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and pickles are the ingredients I saw on the poster, so that’s what I get.

Subway Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt 4

The Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt looks weak. The flatbread gives it a limp disposition, and it’s wider than the regular loaves, so the ingredients look scattered like they were dumped into the bottom of a garbage can. Taking the first bite, though, is not bad. The flatbread is chewy and floury like a pita. Going forward, however, the hot part of the sandwich has warmed over the should-be-cold lettuce and tomato (Gross!). The slightly sour pickles tasted out of place in what is, I guess, a Subway version of a soft taco.

The barely spicy enchilada sauce on the chicken has rendered the chicken tasteless—the protein is purely there for texture. Worst of all, the Fritos have strangely become soggy in the five-minute journey from bag to sandwich to mouth. It kind of tastes like if you crushed up a Double Decker Taco Supreme (with chicken, hold the sour cream) into a sandwich bag and then left it in the sun for an hour. The sickly nuclear warmth of the concoction stuck to my stomach for a good 45 minutes.

Subway Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt 3

Elvis died on a toilet and Nixon had to resign from being president. Frankenstein has to be depicted in I, Frankenstein. Steve Urkel never worked again. Eddie Bauer filed for bankruptcy. Titans meet but sometimes the story doesn’t always have a happy ending. Sometimes it’s more like when Freddy meets Jason or when Alien fights Predator, or like whenever they try to make a movie with Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn. Sometimes it just ruins chips on a sandwich.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 inch sandwich – 580 calories, 240 calories from fat, 26 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 1170 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt
Purchased Price: $6.50
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Flatbread was flat, chewy.
Cons: Fritos do not stand up well to sauce. Pre-sauced meats at Subway are all gross. Cold parts of sandwich were warm. Badly constructed, looks like a mess.

REVIEW: Birthday Cake M&M’s

Natalie 11 Comments

Birthday Cake M&M's

I would like to put forth an official motion to reach a consensus on what “birthday cake” flavor is supposed to be.

Because from my understanding, birthday cake is akin to cake batter which is akin to a sweet vanilla/butter flavor with lots of rainbow sprinkles. A quick Pinterest search will demonstrate what I mean. Birthdays are a cause for celebration, and the default mindset for that is as much sugar and as much color as possible.

The Birthday Cake M&Ms are not what you’d expect based on the prior cake-flavored evidence, but rather a play on the original Milk Chocolate variety. This is probably fair to the millions of people who prefer the chocolate cake with white frosting on their birthdays and have been forced to eat too many Funfetti-like products. In fact, I would never choose that for my own cake either. By throwing these into the mix, M&M’s may just be trying to prevent a burgeoning birthday market monopolization. So for those who have been scorned by the rainbow sprinkles in the past, these go out to you.

I finally found these at my CVS when I did my annual Valentine’s Day Sale spree. There was a singular box, wrongfully placed in the clearance section. Although these are also sold in an 8-ounce bag, the only size option was the individual pack, which is unfortunate, because I enjoy sharing my candy and/or eating mass quantities of M&M’s without being aware of how much I’m actually consuming. Usually the latter.

Birthday Cake M&M's Wrapper

These are closer in size to Milk Chocolate M&M’s than the recent new M&M’s have been and stick to a simple color palate of blue, red and yellow. I didn’t have any to compare, but I think they’re the same colors you’d find on other M&M’s, possibly a little bit richer. Also important to note they are made with actual Milk Chocolate. Not chocolate-y candy. Not chocolate-confection. Not Count Chocula Crème (this is not a real marketing tactic, but I think it will be soon.) You can rest assured in eating these that your processed food still has some realness to it.

My recent history with M&M’s has not been great. I was disappointed by Pumpkin Spice, puzzled by Gingerbread, and grossed out by Red Velvet. All of these varieties had such potential, but in the end they all ended up tasting like “chemical.” I was assuming this was what I would have to settle for with my bite sized chocolates.

But these are a beacon of hope. A delicacy. A rede-M&M-ption, if you will. I bit into these and immediately started singing “Happy Birthday” to me. Then the Beatles’ “Birthday.” Then Rihanna’s “Birthday Cake.” Then I stopped, because I forgot how incredibly uncomfortable that song makes me.

Birthday Cake M&M's Closeup

The flavor in these is subtle, but it accomplishes the intended goal perfectly. There’s a strong milk chocolate note that then evolves into a buttercream taste that’s not too sweet or overpowering. Perfect match to the cake pictured on the pack. Chemical taste level: zero.

I may not choose these over my beloved Carrot Cake or Peanut Butter M&M’s, but they would certainly be ranked above the original in my book. I will be creating a stockpile of these as well, even if they’re not limited edition. Not only are they delicious, but they also make a fantastic non-perishable last minute gift for birthdays you completely forgot about and were only reminded of when you logged onto Facebook.

Now, you can pretend every day is your birthday without having to lie to waiters at restaurants to get a free dessert. Although, you’re still free to do that do. It’s your fake birthday. You deserve to feel as special as you want.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pack (1.4oz) – 190 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 25 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Birthday Cake M&M’s
Purchased Price: $1.19
Size: 1.4 oz. bag
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Not chemically, actually tasty. Appeals to the forgotten birthday cake demographic. Actually tastes like the cake on package. Pretending to remember birthdays. Real milk chocolate. Getting free dessert at restaurants.
Cons: Inconsistencies in the definition of birthday cake. Unsettling Rihanna euphemisms. That uncomfortable public domain birthday song you have to sit through in restaurants to get your free fake-birthday sundae.