Reviews – Page 555 – The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Hubba Bubba Hawaiian Punch Bubble Gum

Margaret / May 2, 2014 / Reviews / 10 Comments

Oh, Walgreens, can you forgive me?

Sometimes I forget about you. Despite your stale sushi, your overpriced aisles of Degree deodorant, you mitigate your pitfalls by offering a “Make your own Slushie” machine available 24 hours a day and providing me with batteries and Snuggies before hurricanes. Indeed, Walgreens, I am in debt to you.

And today, on the cusp of summer, my debt racks up as you have taken your greatness one step further by giving me a brand new gum.

Ahh, artificial fruit punch flavoring. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…no no, never mind. There are far too many ways. Having unwrapped my first cube of this Hawaiian Punch imitator, I’m greeted with a dashing little nub that smells of fruit punch, summer camp, and days by the pool, where I glugged enough Hawaiian Punch to make my belly burst (Why does chlorine make artificial fruit punch taste so good? A neurological connection? A molecular link between chlorine and sucrose? Me + Sugar=Duh?)

I go in for the chew and, BLAM-O, I’m smacked 1952-comic-book style with a concentrated Hawaiian Punch flavor. It starts out with a distinct sweet/tart cherry/berry flavor with a hint of bitterness from Red 40. That teensy bitterness gets mitigated with a pineapple tang and a hint of orange and apple that swings in at the end, all making for a rounded Hawaiian Punch experience without the need of a cup holder or threat of spillage on to those white fluffy towels you just pulled out of the dryer (Because everyone drinks Hawaiian Punch in the laundry room?).

It’s not natural fruit punch by any means, but when did Hawaiian Punch promise real fruit juice? That’d be like asking a Wooly Mammoth to construct a warehouse of IKEA furniture, and that’s just not fair: Wooly Mammoths don’t have opposable thumbs.

There’s an episode of Dexter’s Lab where Dexter, boy genius, makes himself expandably stretchy by smooshing his molecules with those of chewing gum (season 2, episode 19 for those following along). I imagine he used this gum. Like most Hubba Bubba specimens chewed in the past, each cube starts out small and then expands in your mouth, becoming a sticky, stretchy, tacky tangle. It isn’t until 12 minutes later, when the flavor’s far gone and you’ve gnawed it into a soft, flavorless glob of gum base, that you realize just what an experience it was. This is the stuff of bubble World Records, the terrifying goo that sticks to the bottom of shoes and stretches for miles. This is Bubble Gum. (Notice capital letters. Serious stuff.)

In a world of hyper-vigilant dentists and grumpity orthodontists putting braces on every human with a mouth and a molar, sugar mavens are oft deprived of a tasty, sugar-filled gum to chew their days away, so it’s refreshing to find a gum that’s tasty, good for bubbles, and, by Georgey-Porgy, filled with real, refined sugar. Hubba Bubba is amending said conundrum. With a pleasant chew, sugary grit, and enough artificial red dye to repair the New Jersey freeway, Hubba Bubba’s taken the taste of summer and smooshed it into a little 1×1 inch cube. If that’s not a summer miracle, I don’t know what is.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – 25 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Hubba Bubba Hawaiian Punch Bubble Gum
Purchased Price: $1.39
Size: 1 pack/5 pieces
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Concentrated artificial fruit punch flavor. Soft n’ stretchy. Mysteriously seems to expand in one’s mouth. Real sugar defying angry dentists. 24-hour Slushie machines. Reasons to watch re-runs of Dexter’s Lab.
Cons: Not for those with a distaste for artificial fruit punch flavor. Sugar in gum may cause cavities. Some may be sensitive to bitterness of red dye flavor. Grumpity orthodontists. Wooly Mammoths don’t have opposable thumbs. The repairs of the New Jersey freeway. Realizing said freeway will never be repaired. Never.

QUICK REVIEW: Panda Express Orange Chicken with Bacon

Marvo / May 1, 2014 / Reviews / 3 Comments

Purchased Price: $7.89 for 2-entree plate, plus 50 cent upcharge
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Does bacon make Panda Express’ Orange Chicken better? Yes. Applewood-smoked bacon pieces are thick and their smoky and salty flavor goes well with the sweet orange sauce. I received more pieces of bacon than pieces of chicken (your servings may vary). Orange Chicken exterior remains slightly crispy even after being drenched with sauce and sitting in a tray for a while.
Cons: 50 cent upcharge for it. Its color is lighter than their Orange Chicken and it has a slightly milder flavor than their regular Orange Chicken, but the chicken gets easily stuck between my molars like their Orange Chicken. Panda Express says it’s spicy, but I’ve never considered their Orange Chicken to be spicy. Has almost double the sodium and saturated fat than regular Orange Chicken. Bacon not crispy, but what should I expect for bacon that’s been drenched with sauce and sitting in a tray for a while.

Nutrition Facts: 510 calories, 240 calories from fat, 27 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1020 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, and 21 grams of protein.

Fast Food Panda Express

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s That’s My Jam Core Ice Cream

Trevor / May 1, 2014 / Reviews / 3 Comments

When I go out to the bar there always comes a time when I cross from the buzzed threshold into the shitfaced one. One of the first things I do when this state is achieved is go play a song or two on those digital jukeboxes. I like to loudly proclaim, “That’s my Jam!” and usually follow it up a Ric Flair-esque “Woo!” when the tune starts to play.

I had one of these moments this past weekend when I played Rush in the bar, although it was kind of an awkward moment. Well, awkward 20 minutes. Living in a small Midwest town where the bar folk listen to only country or rap, you get more than a few angry looks when you play “2112” in its entirety, and then, like an idiot, admit out loud it was you who played it.

After eating Ben & Jerry’s That’s My Jam, one of the recent additions in the Core line, I would say That’s My Jam is definitely worthy of being my jam.

The concoction features chocolate ice cream, raspberry ice cream, fudge chips, and a raspberry core that is basically just really thick raspberry jam. So literally, it is YOUR jam once you buy it.

Okay, I’m going to try not to say “jam” for the rest of the review now. I think I already broke some sort of record.

I was rather excited to try this because of the raspberry ice cream, a flavor rarity in Ben and Jerry’s. The raspberry flavor is subtle but not too subtle. It’s not going to give your taste buds a Ric Flair chop. More like a high-five. And instead of his normal “woo!” it would be more of the “woo” you do when you see a really awesome (whatever item you most currently desire) in a display window. It has a light and refreshing flavor.

The chocolate ice cream is the same you’d get in any other Ben & Jerry’s, which means it’s fantastic. The raspberry core is undoubtedly the best part. As I said earlier it’s almost like a really thick ja…. oh nuts, I can’t say that word anymore. Need to make up a new word fast. Umm… jimjum? Deal! So the core is almost like a thick raspberry jimjum and it gels perfectly with the ice creams.

I was worried it would be raspberry overkill since one of the ice creams is raspberry but the core is on a different level of the raspberry flavor spectrum and the flavors are noticeably different.

If you found for some reason you didn’t like the ice creams you could easily take out the core and spread it on toast. That’s how thick it is. And who doesn’t like a good jimjum on their toast?

The one issue I had was that the core looks like it’s nice and big at the top of the pint but in reality it is like an hourglass; Wider at the ends and skinnier in the middle. It was basically quarter-sized on top, shrunk to penny-sized in the middle and then went back to quarter-size towards the bottom.

I have had all the other Core flavors and I really didn’t have this issue with any of them. They all had better core circumference consistency (CCC) than That’s My Jam did.

When the core is the best part of the ice cream, CCC is really important and when the core shrunk for a bit my feelings were hurt a little bit. The size-changing core wasn’t an anomaly either as I actually ate two pints of this just to see if it was like that in all of them.

Despite this, I still found the ice cream to be pretty good, and I’d definitely have it again.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 260 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 29 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s That’s My Jam Core Ice Cream
Purchased Price: $3.89
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Flavors come together in perfect harmony. “2112.” Jimjum.
Cons: Diminishing core causes lost flavor opportunities. Small town jukebox awkwardness.

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Jamoca Almond Fudge Iced Coffee

Jack / April 30, 2014 / Reviews / 4 Comments

I sometimes use the seasonal flavors at Dunkin’ Donuts as my only calendar.

Say what you want about a system of time based scientifically on the position of the Earth as it travels around the Sun, but I can tell when it’s spring when the heart-shaped donuts get replaced by the donuts with Peeps on them. It’s that simple—no equinoxes or solstices required.

This year though, accompanying those little marshmallow chicks plopped on top of donuts, Dunkin’ Donuts teamed up with corporate homie Baskin-Robbins to bring two new coffee and latte flavors based on popular ice cream flavors from the frozen treat chain: Cookie Dough and Jamoca Almond Fudge.

I immediately went for the Jamoca Almond Fudge, a flavor I used to get at a Baskin-Robbins in my hometown back when it peaked in the summer of ‘07. This was before more exciting and trendier places like Cold Stone Creamery distracted people and my old Baskin-Robbins was eventually replaced, with true poetic irony, by a FroYo joint.

But, having long since gotten over the pain of losing that beloved ice cream shop in a global conglomerate chain of over 6,500 locations, I never really got over the pain of losing that Jamoca Almond Fudge. I have always been a fan of nutty/chocolaty combos and I was hoping that the Dunkin’ version would do it justice, because Baskin-Robbins are often hard to come by.

Before I get started though, I gotta ask you all for some help. What the hell is “Jamoca”? Wikipedia tells me that it’s a portmanteau of the words Java (coffee) and Mocha, but doesn’t that just seem repetitive? Doesn’t “mocha” already mean chocolate and coffee? Is it possible that somewhere along the lines of coffee that is flavored like ice cream that is flavored like coffee and fudge that is flavored like almonds some things could have gotten a little mixed up?

But who cares! By the first sip all my etymological confusion disappeared faster than that late Baskin-Robbins of my younger days. I had opted for the iced coffee variety because I wanted to stay true to the whole “ice cream” deal and I was instantly thrilled. The first thing I noticed was that killer almond flavor, a perfectly nutty taste that went great with the original coffee-tinted ice cream, but even better in a cup of actual coffee. Fans of Dunkin’ Donuts’ hazelnut coffees rejoice—this one’s for you!

While it might sound obvious—it’s in the name for God’s sake—I couldn’t get over how distinctly fudgy it tasted. Seriously! All too often I find that things boasting a fudge flavor often just mean chocolate, and while there are of course much worse things in the world, I was definitely digging a true fudge flavor coupled with a lack of deception.

When it comes down to it, Jamoca Almond Fudge is perhaps the perfect flavor to transition over to an iced coffee. It maintains all the chilly creaminess and flavor of the original ice cream with the added benefit a more powerful coffee taste. While it may not be as much of an experience as an actual ice cream cone, this one, unlike the original from Baskin-Robbins, is perfectly socially acceptable to enjoy at 7:00 a.m. without looking like your life is falling apart.

(Nutrition Facts – Medium – 170 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 35 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Jamoca Almond Fudge Iced Coffee
Purchased Price: $2.39
Size: Medium/24 fl oz.
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Intensely satisfying flavor that really does Baskin-Robbins’ flavor justice. Corporate partnerships. The fact that I was literally sitting in a Dunkin’ Donuts looking out the window at another Dunkin’ Donuts a little ways down the road when I bought this.
Cons: Ok, I only realized in retrospect that all three flavors come in latte and iced latte versions. (All the advertising I had seen made it appear that only buttery pecan comes in a latte variety. Whoops, I guess at the end of the day its all just a few squirts of flavored high-fructose corn syrup). Not socially acceptable to enjoy ice cream at 7:00 a.m.

Dunkin Dunkin Donuts Fast Food

REVIEW: McDonald’s Peaches & Crème Pie

Jeff / April 30, 2014 / Reviews / 14 Comments

Is it wrong to like McDonald’s pies over the traditional circular homey baked kind? Not any more wrong than laughing out loud in the theater during a sad scene. I apologized profusely to my wife when I erupted with guttural laughter as Christoph Waltz maniacally beat that elephant off-screen in “Water for Elephants.”

I don’t think animal abuse is funny at all but the scene was so corny, I had to laugh. Worse, I said sorry as I chuckled. Apologizing while snickering appears just as sincere as when your girlfriend who is about to dump you says, “We need to talk.”

What I will not apologize for is having a penchant for McDonald’s pies, which maybe even a bit borderline obsessive.

Famished after running mundane errands, the mind was elsewhere as my eyes were glazed staring at the drive-thru menu at McDonald’s. I knew my wife would get the Quarter Pounder with Cheese and no bun due to her gluten allergen. I was ready to follow suit until my eyes fixed on the pie offering… Peaches & Crème.

Images of fireworks, the mention of “Stephen Strange” in Captain America 2, and former WWE wrestler Chyna getting boogety-humped by X-Pac in the “leaked” sex video flashed in my mind.

I’ve eaten a variety of McDonald’s pies and while they don’t blow me away, they mostly always satisfy. It’s like a color by the numbers action film where everybody plays a familiar archetype. You know, the-sensitive-but-tough guy, the-jokey-but-tough-guy-when-it-counts, and the-misunderstood-jerk-who’s-actually-a-good-guy, blah blah blah. That’s how McDonald’s pies are to me, I love them but they aren’t exactly paradigm shifting.

Sometimes, however, there’s a detour in those films and you’re fully invested only hoping they can deliver.

That is the McDonald’s Peaches & Crème pie.

I’m serious and the bad news is, not only is it a limited offering but from my unscientific research, I don’t think they are widely available. It is not even listed in McDonald’s own website, which make me feel like I found the “secret” negative worlds in Super Mario Brothers.

I spent more time looking for the existence of this pie online than I did watching YouTube clips of unofficial appearances by Superman and Spiderman in Bollywood films.

The crust, as always, was golden brown. This crust was flecked with sugar crystals which welcomed you to take a big friggin’ bite into it. The crust was buttery and crispy with a perfect “Goldilocks zone” thickness that broke away in your mouth pleasantly the way Filo dough does.

The filling in the pie needs to taste good, but I think the texture is just as important as the filling. Maybe that’s why I like the clown’s pies so much, that mass produced crust is what I imagine what perfect pie crust is.

As for the fillings themselves, they are mundane and ordinary alone. The crème part tastes a little bit like cheap cream cheese frosting. The peach filling taste of reduced syrupy canned peaches has a slightly distant herby flavor, which is interesting in a very good way. The chunks of peaches are a nice touch to add another element of the mouthfeel equation, if there is such an equation.

However, when the peaches, crème, and crust are combined, it’s like alchemy. The pie is a cheap section of heaven, where the inventors of pogs and die cut comic book covers go (if you believe in heaven). And if they are there, I have a closet full of apologies they need to give me.

The crème really tones down the syrupy sweetness and adds that tiny addition of savory. It’s akin to something acidic to cut through something rich. And I cannot begin to truly explain the essential crust, which just brings it all together.

In all seriousness, if you can find it, it is worth a try. I know the strawberries and crème pies are still regularly sold and if you can’t find the limited peaches one, the strawberry version will give you a good idea of what this is all about. I sincerely hope this pie makes it to the regular line-up.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website.)

Item: McDonald’s Peaches & Crème Pie
Purchased Price: 89 cents
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The crust, the filling and the crème all play an equal role of deliciousness. Sugar crystals on the crust. Chunks of peaches. Inappropriate laughing.
Cons: It’s a limited offering. If you eat the crème and the peaches alone (but who does that? And if you do, you need help). Inappropriate laughing.

Fast Food McDonald's