QUICK REVIEW: Fiber One Caramel Sea Salt 90 Calorie Soft-Baked Bars (Target Exclusive)

Fiber One Caramel Sea Salt 90 Calorie Soft-Baked Bars

Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 6 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice flavor, but I’m not sure it’s not what I would consider caramel. It kind of tastes Fig Newton-y. Soft, slightly chewy texture. Smells like brown sugar. Low fat. A decent tasting way to get five grams of fiber. I guess it’s easier than eating an apple. I mean, I can stuff a whole bar in my mouth, but I can’t stuff a whole apple.
Cons: Sometimes there are these bursts of saltiness, which are a bit off-putting. “Caramel bits” are really toffee bits. The bars look kind of small when unwrapped, they’re just 2-inch squares. Some people have had gas issues with the chicory root extract, which gives the bar its fiber, so don’t go through the box in one day…or even two days.

Fiber One Caramel Sea Salt 90 Calorie Soft-Baked Bars Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 90 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies

Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies

Milk.

It provides our bodies with calcium. It makes our cereal soggy. It does the body good. In some people, it can cause gastrointestinal issues. It’s the co-star in way too many Gallon Milk Challenge and Gallon Smashing YouTube videos. It’s the reason why there are hundreds of “Got Milk?” rip-offs on bumper stickers and t-shirts, like “Got Muscle?”, “Got Beer?”, “Got Weed?”, and “Got Balls?”. And it’s what we’ve dunked our Oreo cookies into for decades.

But I’m not sure milk is the appropriate liquid to dunk these Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies in. That, obviously, would be fruit punch.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, “What weirdo would dunk Oreo cookies into fruit punch?” Well, who has two thumbs and a Pyrex measuring cup filled with fruit punch that has Golden Oreo cookie crumbs floating on top?

This guy!

Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies Dunk

For some of you, the idea of just eating Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies sounds gross. It seems like a flavor a food scientist would come up with after drinking a few too many glasses of spiked fruit punch.

And for many of you, the thought of dunking these Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies into fruit punch and then eating the cookie probably sounds even worse. But having done both, I have to say they are not gross.

Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies Closeup

From the moment I opened the packaging to the last bit of chewed cookie going down my gullet, I experienced fruit punch. Its smell is spot on. Its flavor is spot on. The color of its Red 40-enhanced creme is spot on. Its texture…well, it’s a cookie so it’s not going to be spot on.

Companies have different interpretations of fruit punch, but the Fruit Punch Oreo cookie’s creme tastes exactly like a product I’ve had in the past. Sadly, I can’t remember what it was (I’m thinking it could be a Popsicle), but the creme has a nice cherry, citrusy flavor, which is also very potent. So if you’re one of those people who really loves to say the word “cloyingly,” these cookies will make your linguistic side happy. I thought the crunchy Golden Oreo wafer would dampen the creme’s flavor, but it does not.

However, even though I can see the fruit punch flavor being a little strong for some, I think these Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies are so wonderful that they make me want to strip off my clothes, paint my entire body red, draw a smiling face on my belly with the thickest Sharpie pen using my belly button as a nostril, and then burst through a wall yelling, “Oh yeah!”

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Fruit Punch Oreo Cookies
Purchased Price: $4.99*
Size: 12.2 oz.
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Spot on fruit punch aroma, flavor, and color. Has a nice cherry, citrusy flavor. Dunking them into fruit punch is surprisingly not bad. Makes me want to get naked.
Cons: Fruit punch creme might be too potent for some. It’s limited edition and available only at Walmart. Dunking them into milk is probably not a good idea. Makes me want to get naked.

*I had to purchase these on eBay because they were hard to find in my area, but you’ll probably pay somewhere between $2.50 and $3.50, if you buy them at Walmart, where they’re an exclusive flavor.

REVIEW: Post Limited Edition Honeycomb with Twisted Marshmallows Cereal

Post Limited Edition Honeycomb with Twisted Marshmallows Cereal

Your kitchen, circa nineteen-ninety something. Your hair is shabby and your brain is in a fog after another week of grinding through pages of fractions and mitosis, but Saturday morning has finally yielded its sweet relief from the onerous oppression that is the sixth grade. You’ve been put on the spot all week long, but today, there’s no chance of giving the wrong answer. As you open the pantry and breathe in the scintillating aroma of dextrose and trisodium phosphate, you realize the correct answer is “all of the above.”

Hey look, I’m not casting judgment. We all mixed and matched our cereals in those days before chocolate combined with Cinnamon Toast Crunch and marshmallows found their way into Froot Loops. When you think about it, we had to. It was sheer evolution. How else was I suppose to recreate apple cinnamon waffles then to add Apple Cinnamon Cheerios to Waffle Crisp? But somewhere over the last fifteen years the fat cats at General Mills, Kellogg’s, and Post got wind of what we were up to. Like any good business people, they consulted the brightest minds in high-performance and highly refined grains, came up with a flowchart for these sorts of situations, and devised a plan for research and development. I imagine it went something like this:

Mr. Bob Post, CEO: What do we have on the agenda today? Ah yes, Honeycomb. Classic. Underrated. Consistent. The Andre Reed of cereals, if you will. But sales are down. How can we jazz it up?

Herbert Sherbert, Head of R&D: Chocolate!

Mr. Bob Post: Tried it. Absolutely abysmal. What else you got?

Herbert Sherbert: How about Cinnamon? I heard Apple Jacks was doing that now and the reviews have been great!

Mr. Bob Post: I like it, but we’ve tried that too. Just didn’t sell. Kids these days have no sense of nuance. Looks like we’ll have to go with Plan Ireland.

Herbert Sherbet: You mean Curtis Stone? I actually think he’s Australian…

Mr. Bob Post: No, you idiot. I mean that Irish cereal, whatyacall it, the one with marshmallows.

Herbert Sherbert: You mean Lucky Charms?

Mr. Bob Post: That’s the one! Lucky Charms! Now let’s marshmallowize this beeswax!

Post Limited Edition Honeycomb with Twisted Marshmallows Cereal Closeup

And so, through the miracles of capitalism, Post’s Limited Edition Honeycomb with Twisted Marshmallows was born. Why “Twisted”? Other than the squiggly line running down the marshmallows, I seriously have no idea. But considering hearts, stars, and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons were already taken, I guess the options were somewhat limited. In any event, it’s my experience that marshmallows can subtly, yet brilliantly, elevate what otherwise might be a plain cereal base. Lucky Charms is obviously the quintessential example, with the sturdy and crunchy oat pieces—small and not overly sweet on their own—pairing wonderfully with the bursts of sweetness provided by the ‘mallows.

Unfortunately, Honeycomb doesn’t derive such a boost from the marshmallows. The Honeycomb pieces themselves are fine; they have that just-right level of sweetness and gentle, non-toasted crunch which somehow holds its texture in milk. I’ve always kind of admired the strange savory taste of Honeycomb, which seems to blend just the right proportions of corn, oat, and honey flavor.

The thing that has always trouble me is the lack of a glaze. Other honey cereals like Honey Nut Cheerios and Honey Nut Chex have a sturdier glaze, which helps to retain the distinctive taste and crunch of the sweetened grain in milk. Honeycomb just doesn’t have it, though, and the pieces themselves become sort of bland when you let them soak.

Ideally the marshmallows would supply little bursts of twisted sweetness, but because of the bulky size of the Honeycomb pieces, the marshmallows get lost in the shuffle. When you do get the taste of the marshmallows, you get, well, the taste of a marshmallow. For some reason marshmallows work in some cereals and don’t work in others, and in this case, they don’t add anything.

In fairness, the cereal is much better as a snack, where the subtle honey flavor can shine without being slowly diffused and lost amidst the milk. The net effect of the marshmallows, though, doesn’t share in the improvement, and despite granting any given mouthful a bit more sweetness, they don’t contribute anything that makes this iteration of Honeycomb stand out from the original. It pains me to admit it, but I found the cereal to be altogether bland for something that advertising 12 grams of sugar per serving.

Where do cereal R&D people go after trying chocolate, cinnamon, and marshmallow versions of a classic, well, I just don’t have the answer. But it looks like they’ll be heading back to the drawing board soon enough, because this limited time only cereal just doesn’t deliver anything special.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 1/4 cup – 120 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Post Limited Edition Honeycomb with Twisted Marshmallows Cereal
Purchased Price: $2.37
Size: 12.5 oz box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: If you like Honeycomb you’ll like this. Pretty good snacking cereal. Has a savory corn and oat element. Not having to pick out the marshmallows from Lucky Charms and add them to other cereals.
Cons: Marshmallows don’t add anything. Not nearly as good as Cinna-Graham Honeycomb, which was the shit before Post discontinued it. Doesn’t taste very sweet in milk. Missing the glazed crunch of other honey-flavored cereals. Hardly any fiber.

REVIEW: Häagen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato

Ha?agen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato

There are many great mysteries in the universe. Like has anybody ever really killed two birds with one stone? Who’s the brilliant mind behind the cookie cake? If everything King Midas touches turns to gold, can he… you know… touch himself? Surely I’m not the only one who ponders these questions on a daily basis. Here’s another one of those mysteries: is gelato any good from a container?

Before I moved to Missouri, I lived directly across the street from an Italian café, which served the most foodgasm-inducing gelato I’d ever eaten. There were so many flavor options to choose from, it made every trip an adventure because you never knew what you’d walk out of there with.

Now that the authentic gelato is no longer across the street – and as far as I can tell nowhere to be had here – I knew it was time to do some investigating of my own into the store-bought gelatos. I got in the car and made the ever-joyous weekly trip to Walmart. And that’s not sarcasm. I literally live in the middle of nowhere, and going to Walmart passes for fun around these parts.

While perusing the ice cream aisle, I found Häagen-Dazs had a new line of gelatos, and the flavor debate began to rage in my noggin. Pomegranate swirl? No. Caramelized banana chip? Interesting, but wasn’t in a banana mood. Pistachio? PISTACHIO! Yes, this was the one. Even the Walmart cashier knew it was the one, as before she put it in the bag she took a gander at it and said, “Mmm, now that looks good.” Indeed it does, Walmart cashier. Indeed it does.

Upon arriving home, I put the gelato in the freezer and prepared to set the mood for the occasion. I tucked the corners of my love seat cover in so it looked nice and neat, cleaned the clutter from my coffee table, put some Miles Davis on and got into my jammies. Yes, I call them jammies.

Ha?agen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato Top

After retrieving the gelato from its frozen prison, I popped its top – tee hee – and gave it a look over. It’s a darker green than pistachio ice creams are, and it had little black specks in it, kind of like a vanilla bean flavor would. I buried the cold steel of my spoon in and took a bite.

HO. LEE. CRAP.

The gelato was light and uber-creamy like authentic gelato, and it tasted like a real pistachio without having actual pistachios inside of it. This is an advantage because as anyone who’s eaten pistachio ice cream knows, you get a rotten pistachio every once in a while and it is one of the vilest tastes you’ll encounter.

The gelato is sweet tasting like pistachio ice cream, but you also get that roasted pistachio taste, something I hadn’t encountered in a frozen pistachio delicacy before. It has a high fat content, but you couldn’t tell unless you looked at the nutrition facts because it’s just so damn light and airy. The only element it was missing was the saltiness a real pistachio has. Curious, I put a little bit of salt on a spoonful.

Ha?agen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato Spoon

It would be impossible for a word or two to describe just how good this bite was, so I will attempt to do so with the following story that may or may not be true. I’ll leave it to you to decide.

After taking the bite, I blacked out. I awoke some time later to a knock on my door. I wondered who it could be as my building has a buzz-in system. My hot neighbor finally giving into my offer of drinking and yelling at my fantasy baseball team with me? I opened the door to reveal a six-foot tall pistachio. I first thought this some odd Trojan horse attempt of my hot neighbor to make it inside my apartment, and I said “if you wanted to come watch fantasy scores with me, you just had to ask.” But this was not my hot neighbor. It was a talking pistachio. And not just any pistachio either. It was the Pistachio King!

He said he was summoned here when I achieved pistachio bliss after putting salt on the gelato. I had uncovered the key to ultimate pistachio power. Basically, I unlocked the Super Saiyan 4 level of pistachio flavor.

The king and I hit it off instantly. It was like we were best friends in a past lifetime. He brought a 24-pack of my favorite beer, Sam Adams Coldsnap, and even laughed at my lame “that’s a Coldsnap, baby” line, a play off of SRV’s “Coldshot.” We put back bottle after bottle and collectively yelled at my fantasy baseball team. Once the games were done for the night, I asked Pistachio King if he wanted to watch me play Kingdom Hearts, and without hesitation he said yes! It’s not even a two-player game, but he didn’t care, he just continued to drink and cheer me on.

At one point Pistachio King asked if I wanted “some of that good shit,” and pulled out a baggie filled with a white crystal-like substance inside. I said “Pistachio King, I don’t do that,” but he said “don’t worry, it’s only salt!” We had a good laugh, and then I put some of the salt on the gelato and took a bite. Everything started spinning, and I again blacked out.

When I awoke, Pistachio King was gone and the gelato container was empty. Probably just a dream. But wait, why are there pistachio shells on the floor? Hmm… Well, at least the gelato from a container mystery was solved.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 260 calories, 13 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 22 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 4% iron.)

Item: Häagen-Dazs Pistachio Gelato
Purchased Price: $3.89
Size: 14 oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: As good as legit Italian gelato. Incredible real pistachio flavor. Adding a bit of salt brings out-of-body experience. Kickin’ it with Pistachio King.
Cons: High fat content. Container’s not a full pint. Hot neighbor still doesn’t want to drink and yell at my fantasy baseball team with me. King Midas mystery remains unsolved.

QUICK REVIEW: Nabisco Ritz Crackerfuls (Bold Buffalo & Ranch and Crunchin’ Chili & Cheese)

Nabisco Ritz Crackerfuls (Bold Buffalo & Ranch and Crunchin' Chili & Cheese)

Purchased Price: $2.50 each
Size: 6 packs/box
Purchased at: Times Supermarket
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Bold Buffalo & Ranch)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Crunchin’ Chili & Cheese)
Pros: Both are good, but the Crunchin’ Chili & Cheese does a better job of tasting like its name. Now comes in three short filled crackers instead of one long filled cracker (They’re shareable). Crunchin’ Chili & Cheese sometimes tastes like chili powder and sometimes like a Jack in the Box taco. Filling made with real cheese. Buffalo seasoning left on fingers (it’s the only time the Buffalo flavor is distinguishable). Nice mild Buffalo burn.
Cons: Licking the filling like they’re Oreo cookies, because their savory flavors are a little off-putting when consumed by themselves. Has a different crunch than a regular Ritz cracker. Hard to distinguish either flavor with the Bold Buffalo & Ranch one; it has a kind of generic spicy, cheesy flavor. Ranch flavor is missing its tanginess. Use of partially hydrogenated oils.

Nabisco Ritz Crackerfuls Bold Buffalo & Ranch

Nabisco Ritz Crackerfuls Crunchin' Chili & Cheese

Nutrition Facts: 1 pack – Bold Buffalo & Ranch – 140 calories, 70 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Crunchin’ Chili & Cheese – 140 calories, 70 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.

*made with partially hydrogenated oils