REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Red Velvet Latte

Dunkin' Donuts Red Velvet Latte

I’m a man who likes my coffee black, espresso sans milk and if I need to spike it with anything, bourbon will do over the Irish cream. Putting sugar in my coffee is like stamping the head of a penis on my forehead. I really do not like that.

What I really like…In fact, what I really love is red velvet cake and I’m particular about it. The cream cheese frosting is everything to me. A tad savory and not too sweet is a hard act to juggle (like tastefully mushroom stamping someone on the forehead). It’s a perfect combination of taste and sight as the red cake, contrasted with the ivory frosting, draws most people’s attention.

Red velvet cake is like carrot cake’s more complicated poetry writing sister who wears black horn-rimmed glasses and still listens to Bikini Kill. The ingredients are not as mosaic as carrot cake because it’s simply a chocolate cake with red dye. Yet it is deceptively simple because the flavors evoke an umami-like profile, mostly in thanks to the cream cheese frosting.

But drinking a red velvet cake? The flavored coffee drinks and lattes are blurring the lines since a lot of them taste like variations of milkshake flavors. I don’t know…maybe if you like those so much, you really don’t enjoy coffee.

Ah…Who am I to judge? Yet, I don’t think you do because the coffee/espresso flavors are often buried underneath that heavy syrup. It makes me sad because it’s the same as drowning a ribeye in steak sauce or when the priest guy got buried in The Omen (1976 version, damn it still haunts me).

It’s like when people tell me they love whiskey and then say there’s a great honey or an apple pie variant. Why don’t you just tell me to “do my mom in the garage” instead? With all due respect, it’s gross.

I don’t want my whiskey flavored any more than my coffee and I’m not sure I want to consume a red velvet cake that requires no chewing.

However, not to be outdone by Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts is really trying to make a dent with its own lattes. Some hit, others miss as miserable as Spike Lee’s version of Oldboy. Honestly, have you seen that dreck?

Needless to say, I was a bit more repulsed when I heard Dunkin’ Donuts created a Red Velvet Latte but my senses were dulled by Sharlto Copley’s manic and awful acting, I needed some sort of stimulus so I can feel again. I haven’t seen this over the top acting since Dominic West’s “Jigsaw” in Punisher War Zone (Best line, “I don’t speak vampire” to some Russian thugs).

It also doesn’t help the coffee looked like the remnants of a liver that was soaking in milk to mellow that “nickel” flavor. You ever see that stuff? It looks like eraser remnants mixed with milk.

Despite the pinkish brown color of the coffee, the wafting scent of a deep roasted espresso was enticing. It permeated the air around me and I thought, “This ain’t so bad.” The temperature radiating nicely in my hand was at the Goldilocks zone of just right. Dunkin’ Donuts seems to be pretty consistent on the hot temperatures of their coffees. I have to give them big ups for that.

Upon my first sip, I was surprised at the subtle flavor of the cream cheese frosting. It was shockingly yummy. It was followed by mellow yet rich milk chocolatey tones that washed away the frosting taste.

Although pleasant, I enjoyed that the cream cheese frosting flavor does not linger. However, what does hang around like a clingy in-law is the overwhelming sweetness of the coffee. Most drinks such as these, whether it’s from Starbucks or your local coffee house, falls victim to the gummy sugary dreck that chokes the coffee with no remorse.

The latte was akin to an over the top CGI action film where “bullet time” is used so much, it bores or annoys you to death (i.e. The God-awful Underworld series). With each subsequent sip, the sweetness was magnified to the point I got those awful “tingles” in my cheeks. It’s too bad because I was hoping to like this drink.

I would definitely recommend trying it since you have to experience “sipping” on cream cheese frosting, but the novelty wears off immediately due to the heavy handed sweetness that encompasses the entire latte. If Dunkin’ Donuts would dial the sweetness back, I would order this again. Besides, there are other coffee drinks I would rather inflict on myself before this one.

(Nutrition Facts – small with skim milk – 180 calories, 5 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 35 grams of sugars, and 8 grams of protein)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Red Velvet Latte
Purchased Price: $2.29
Size: Small (10 oz.)
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Cream cheese flavors are subtle and nice. The roasted espresso smell is there. Original movies are mostly better. Milk-chocolate taste is rich yet mellow. Sharlto Copley in The A-Team.
Cons: Too damned sweet. The pinkish brown color is disgusting. Remakes of foreign films mostly suck. You’ll get a better experience eating a red velvet cake and downing it with coffee. Sharlto Copley in Oldboy.

QUICK REVIEW: Old El Paso Chicken Burritos Frozen Entree

Old El Paso Meal for Two Chicken Burritos

Purchased Price: $6.99 (on sale)
Size: 2 burritos/20 oz.
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent sized frozen burritos (6″ x 2.5″ x 1.5″). Lots of beans, rice, and corn. Salsa verde has a very mild kick and decent flavor. Each burrito is prepared in its own nifty steaming bag. Thank goodness for hot sauce.
Cons: Tastes like other frozen burritos I’ve had. Pricey for two decent-sized burritos. After microwaving, the tortilla on the bottom of the burrito is dried out and tough. Not a lot of chicken (I’m lucky a chunk ended up in the picture below). Didn’t notice any cheese. Most bites were beans and rice. Some Pace salsa would’ve made it taste better.

Old El Paso Meal for Two Chicken Burritos Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 1 burrito – 480 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 1050 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 23 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 35% vitamin C, and 30% iron.

A delicious blend of all white meat chicken, rice, beans, roasted onions and corn, Colby and Monterey Jack cheeses smothered in our own salsa verde. All wrapped in a tasty flour tortilla. It’s a meal you know and love made with authentic Old El Paso flair that defies frozen.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s S’mores Krave Cereal

Kellogg's S'mores Krave Cereal

This time of the year, as the thermometer plummets and stuffing your hands in your crotch becomes an essential component of keeping warm, it’s customary to crave traditional warm foods like chili, roasted root vegetables, and a whole host of things capable of giving your tongue a third-degree burn.

Also capable of giving your tongue a third-degree burn: s’mores. Granted, the combination of chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow isn’t exactly associated with comfort food for the winter, but cereal companies need something to sell us after the post Thanksgiving and Christmas blitz of all things pumpkin and gingerbread. Might as well be hot sounding, right?

I have absolutely no problem with this concept. In fact, I happen to practice a strict doctrine of non-discrimination when it comes to empty carbohydrates and the seasons, and applaud Kellogg’s attempts to do the same. I speak, of course, of S’more Krave Cereal. The new cereal has jumped the gun in invading grocery stores in front of the new cereal blitz we see each January, replacing the classic also-ran Smorz cereal that’s been slowly disappearing from shelves. It’s a sad day in my household when one cereal dies, but in the case of Smorz, I won’t be mourning too long.

Kellogg's S'mores Krave Cereal Box Closeup

With box art featuring what one imagines to be a completely unrealistic marketing image of chocolate and marshmallow bursting forth from an oversized graham cereal biscuit, I naturally assumed Krave’s rendition of the classic campfire dessert would be far superior to Smorz. And in case it wasn’t, well, at least there’s always the trusty S’mores Pop-Tart.

Frequent readers may know I have something of an infatuation with that initial moment when you open up a cereal box and are greeted by that wonderfully processed yet always nostalgic smell of unadulterated empty carbs and “natural and artificial” flavor. I wouldn’t go so far to label it a fetish, but I won’t hold it against you if you call it weird. I also won’t hold it against you if you find Krave S’mores to smell something like dog food dessert, if such a thing exists. That’s because it does smell off, and this is coming from the guy who would make Lucky Charms into a cologne if he could.

Notwithstanding this highly questionable aroma, each biscuit is engrained (ha, food group pun!) with a sturdy shell of graham flour which yields a crunchier bite than the standard Krave pieces. I like the initial dry crunch of each biscuit, but the graham flavor leaves a lot to be desired. If, like me, you enjoy a bit of honey crunch in your graham (think Golden Grahams) you’ll be disappointed. It’s more whole-grainy graham than anything else, and not really sweet.

Kellogg's S'mores Krave Cereal Innards

The filling, on the other hand, tastes just like the insides of a S’mores Pop-Tart, with the welcomed addition of a slightly toasted flavor and viscosity you almost never see in cereals. The filling tastes and feels like a slightly melted marshmallow and milk chocolate square; in other words, a s’more.

If eating dozens of little S’mores Pop-Tarts for breakfast sound too good to be true, it is. See, the sheer logistical realities of Krave’s filling-to-shell ratio make delivering flavor in a single biscuit almost as impossible as lighting a fire in Siberia with nothing but two twigs and a prayer. I’m not saying it’s inconceivable, but the inconsistent filling ratio makes getting said s’more flavor really only possible by stuffing numerous biscuits in your mouth at one time.

Kellogg's S'mores Krave Cereal In Milk

However, there’s an enjoyable sweet fudgy quality to the biscuits in milk, but the biscuits do lose their toasted marshmallow and graham flavor. They also don’t leave very good end-milk, as the sturdy graham coating refuses to allow any of the scant chocolate and marshmallow filling to populate the lake of greying 2%.

Nevertheless, one could do much worse in attempting to recreate a s’more, especially this time of the year. Far be it for me to freeze my ass off trying to light a fire outside with nothing but two sticks and a prayer, it’s sometimes more practical to get one’s summertime dessert fix from the convenience of a cereal box than the genuine article.

While giving up my proverbial smoldering marshmallow on a cicada poop-laced twig is unfortunate, I must say that as a dry snack, I find S’mores Krave to be one of the more complete recreations of s’mores in prepackaged breakfast form to date. While I’d like the graham flavor to be more honey laced, crunchy, and basically like Golden Grahams, the truth is that it stills tastes better than the edgy crusts of a Pop-Tart. Not only that, but the filling more than makes up for the graham element.

Just be prepared to throw suggested serving sizes out the window, because to get the real flavor of s’mores, you’ll want to eat a lot of it, straight from the box.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup or 31 grams – 120 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 3 gram of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s S’mores Krave Cereal
Purchased Price: $2.98
Size: 11 oz. box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Authentic milk chocolate and toasted marshmallow flavor is breaking new ground for cereals. Crunchier than regular Krave. Better “crust” than S’mores Pop-Tarts. Doesn’t involve starting a fire in the snow. Actually kind of healthy when you think about it.
Cons: Graham flavor lags behind Golden Grahams. No honey glaze. Filling is really, really, really scarce in a single biscuit. Smells like dog food. Questionable winter warming strategies.

REVIEW: J&D’s Foods Sriracha Candy Canes

J&D's Foods Sriracha Candy Canes

Sriracha mania is sweeping the nation.

Though the famous hot sauce has been adored for ages, sriracha has recently enjoyed a surge in popularity. We’ve seen sriracha beef jerky, sriracha lollipops, and sriracha vodka. Even Subway and 7-Eleven have jumped on the rooster sauce bandwagon. What’s next? Sriracha candy canes?

J&D's Foods Sriracha Candy Canes Side Box

Oh.

Umm, apparently sriracha candy canes are a thing now.

It’s true. Sriracha Candy Canes are manufactured by J&D’s Foods, the company that brought you such classics as Bacon Salt, Baconnaise, and bacon-flavored sexual lubricant. Because there’s no scent more arousing while doing the nasty than the stench of cured meat.

I never noticed it before, but sriracha is pretty much the perfect Christmas hot sauce. It practically screams Santa Claus and ho-ho-hos. Just look at it: a vibrant red sauce inside a bottle topped with a green cap? Those are Christmas colors, dammit. So next time you bring me some figgy pudding, pour some sriracha on that shiiiiiit.

Grossly overpriced at $7.99, each box of candy canes includes twelve hot sauce-flavored Christmas treats. It’s no surprise that J&D’s Sriracha Candy Canes aren’t actually licensed by Huy Fong Foods, the California company responsible for those beloved red bottles decorated with a rooster. So is the flavor of these sriracha candy canes actually based upon the generic sriracha named after the Thai city of Si Racha?

J&D's Foods Sriracha Candy Canes Closeup 2

Just like every other box of candy canes I’ve ever purchased, several of the candy canes arrived broken. Clearly, these things need to be redesigned. There are so many superior, less fragile Christmas shapes: snowflakes, Christmas trees, ostracized caribou with luminescent noses.

The candy canes are white with red and green stripes, a possible allusion to the red color of sriracha and the trademark green cap of Huy Fong Foods’ bottles. The unenlightened candy-lover could easily be fooled into believing these are normal candy canes. The back of the box even recommends using the sriracha candy canes for “tricking your unsuspecting friends and children.”

The sriracha candy canes start off tasting very similar to normal candy canes, possessing the all-too-familiar sugar flavor of hard candy, yet lacking any trace of peppermint. Soon, the heat begins, slowly growing into a moderate burn and proceeding to increase as more of the candy cane is consumed. For me, the heat never reached the point of unbearably spicy, but did unpleasantly coat the back of my throat on occasion. Be sure to have a bottle of water nearby!

J&D's Foods Sriracha Candy Canes Closeup 1

To be honest, these sriracha candy canes were better than I expected. Though they’re little more than spicy candy canes, the hard candy flavor and added heat blend nicely. Nevertheless, they definitely do not taste like the hot sauce. All of the pepper and garlic notes for which sriracha is well-known for were completely absent.

J&D’s Sriracha Candy Canes could be the perfect novelty gift for your sriracha-obsessed family and friends this holiday season. However, their high price tag and lack of authentic sriracha flavor leaves them strictly in the realm of gag gifts. Yes, the heat combined well with the sugary flavor of the candy canes, but I’m confident I could purchase a generic spiced holiday candy for much cheaper.

Happy holidays, everyone! (Is Srirachanukah already over? Dang. What am I going to do with all this sriracha-flavored gelt?)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cane (14 grams) – 60 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: J&D’s Foods Sriracha Candy Canes
Purchased Price: $7.99
Size: 12 candy canes
Purchased at: ThinkGeek
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hard candy flavor. Burn grows slowly. Srirachanukah.
Cons: Overpriced. Doesn’t actually taste like Sriracha. Gag gift. Ostracized caribou.

QUICK REVIEW: McDonald’s McCafe White Chocolate Mocha

McDonald's White Chocolate Mocha

Purchased Price: $3.60
Size: Large
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Chocolatey, milky, and coffee flavor equally balanced. Available with nonfat milk, which will make the nutritional numbers below less eye-popping. Comes topped with whipped cream. Gave me a nice caffeine jolt, but that could’ve been due to the fact that I drank a large one. Made using espresso from Rainforest Alliance Certified farms.
Cons: Couldn’t taste white chocolate; it’s tastes more like a regular mocha. Might not have enough coffee flavor for some. Whipped cream melts quickly when lid is placed on top. Holy crap! I drank a large one! I drank 9 grams of saturated fat!

McDonald's White Chocolate Mocha Closeup

Nutrition Facts: Large (w/whole milk) – 480 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 70 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber 65 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.