Category: Reviews

Ikea Skyar Lamp

Marvo 30 Comments

Oh yeah, baby.

Now that I’ve got an Ikea Skyar Lamp in my room, it’s now the perfect place for making sweet, sweet love. The glow from the handmade paper lamp sets my mood and my room for love, baby. It’s the perfect lamp for making hot, passionate love, because it looks like an erection with a condom that’s way too big for it, hence the wrinkling. Its metal shaft and metal balls…I mean base will make sure it stands up all night.

The lamp has three sockets to insert bulbs in, which aren’t included in the box, but putting two of them in gives enough light to set the mood for lovin’ and enough darkness to hide my face, which helps prevent you from realizing that you’re making sweet, sweet love to me.

Turning on the lamp is as easy as turning me on, baby. The switch is on the electrical cord and it’s a big switch, which makes it easy to instantly turn off the lamp, just in case you don’t like seeing the hairy forests under my armpits or around my C-3PO and my two R2D2s when we get down to our Adam and Eve costumes.

With only me, you, and the glow from the Ikea Skyar Lamp, the first thing I would do is lay above you and lick your eyebrows, like I was a cat cleaning your fur. Awww, yeah. You know you like that. Then I would work my way down your beautiful face to your luscious nose, licking the tip of it. Don’t worry, baby. I brushed my teeth AND my tongue.

From there I would make my way south to your lovely lips, kissing them ever so gently and then licking them so that I can taste the flavor of your lipstick. Then I would passionately bite your lower lip, slowly pull it away from you, let it go, and then bark once like a dog.

By this point, I know you want me, but I’ll keep the anticipation high and make you want me even more.

After your lovely lips, I would gently caress your Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa, licking the observatories on each summit, making their telescopes extend. I’ll make sure that I spend an equal amount of time on each mountain, examining every inch with my famous French explorer, Captain Ton Gue.

Once Captain Ton Gue has spent enough time to create a topographic map of your mountain range, I’ll move down to find whatever treasures await me in that cave called the belly button…Unless it’s an outie.

In that situation, I’ll just head back north and spend a little more time in the mountain ranges, which will allow me to soak up more of the surrounding area, like the cleavage or armpits.

After exploring your belly button with Captain Ton Gue and removing whatever lint and dirt he collected on his uniform, I’ll move down to your Yosemite Valley. The first thing I would do there is admire your rock formations on both sides of the valley, then I’d clear some brush, if there is brush, and then I’d make my way inside your visitor’s center with Captain Ton Gue. While at your visitor’s center, I would also make sure to eat at your snack bar for 15 minutes or longer and try to make your earth quake.

Once I’ve had my fill, or once you’ve had your fill, I’ll let you do whatever you want with my big quill pen and two ink wells. I’ll just lay back and enjoy what comes to your mind. Hopefully, you don’t make my two ink wells spill before the real fun.

After that, if you’re ready, you can have me your way, just like Burger King. We’ll be all over each other like two wet towels in a dryer on high heat.

Then two or three minutes later, I’ll be done, which is the same amount of time it took for me to put the Ikea Skyar Lamp together.

Don’t worry, baby. I’m all about quality, not quantity.

Item: Ikea Skyar Lamp
Price: $9.99 (on sale)
Purchased at: Ikea
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ cheap, but looks slightly expensive. One of the nicest looking things in my apartment. Easy and quick to put together. The lamps glow is perfect for setting the mood for sweet, sweet lovin’. Big ass light switch on power cord. Eating at the snack bar in your Yosemite Valley.
Cons: Bulbs not included and must use a special type of bulbs. My inability to last longer than two or three minutes while making sweet, sweet love. Shipping it back to this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

REVIEW: Ethos Water

Marvo 32 Comments

I need to figure out which one of these four scenarios using Ethos Water would guarantee me a ticket into hell.

Scenario One – Visit a third-world country, like Ethiopia, and hold a wet t-shirt contest using hundreds of bottles of Ethos Water to wet the t-shirts in a village that has no clean drinking water.

Scenario Two – Make my way to Honduras, one of the poorest countries in the Americas, and have a car wash in a town that has very little drinking water and not many cars, using thousands of bottles of Ethos Water to rinse off the cars.

Scenario Three – Fly by helicopter to a remote African desert village that has no drinking water with a huge bathtub. Then fill the bathtub with Ethos Water, while also pouring bubble bath soap. Then I would soak in the bathtub for about one minute, occasional make “bubbles” of my own, and then dump the water onto the hot ground and watch it evaporate.

Scenario Four – Getting a bunch of my friends and giving each of them a Super Soaker. Then we’ll all drive to a little village in India without any clean drinking water and turn it into a Super Soaker battlefield, using Ethos Water as our ammo.

After reading this, some of you might be wishing that I do end up in hell and Lucifer sticks one of his horns up my ass for being so cruel to those thirsty people. But if you think about it, I don’t think any of these scenarios would get me a free pass into hell because with all the Ethos Water I would be purchasing, I would actually be helping those people get clean drinking water.

Yes, by wasting clean drinking water, I would be helping those people in third-world countries get clean drinking water. For each bottle of Ethos Water purchased, five cents will be donated towards the goal of contributing $10 million over the next five years to alleviate the world water crisis.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Holy cheap ass bastards, Marvo! Five whole frickin’ cents!

For something that retails for almost two dollars, you would think they could be a little more charitable. At five cents per bottle, they would have to sell 200 million bottles of Ethos Water to reach their $10 million goal.

If they donated ten cents per bottle, they would make a whole lot more to bring clean drinking water to many countries and still have enough for ONE My Super Sweet Sixteen party for some rich-ass spoiled bitch.

Two hundred million bottles may seem like a lot, but fortunately, Ethos Water is available at all Starbucks, which acquired Ethos Water in 2005.

As for the water itself, if I was a dehydrated child from a poor country, this Ethos Water would probably taste so damn good. But I’m a quasi-product review blog editor, and I think Ethos Water is just as refreshing as every other bottled water out there and tastes just like every other bottled water out there, except with a hint of good karma.

Five cents worth of good karma.

Item: Ethos Water
Price: $1.85
Purchased at: Cost Plus World Market
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Helps children get clean water. Bigger than usual bottle (approx. 24 ounces). Five cents of good karma. Refreshing for quasi-product review blog editors. Really refreshing for dehydrated children in poor countries.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water. Only five cents of each bottle sold goes towards helping get clean drinking water. Tastes like every other bottled water.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Asian Salad

Marvo 27 Comments

McDonald's Asian Salad

Why are Asian salads so attracted to Caucasian men?

You know, I’m all for interracial eating, but Caucasian men are eating all of the Asian salads and I’m afraid that there won’t be any Asian salad for us Asian guys.

Sure I would totally go for a hot Jewish salad from New York or a Greek salad goddess, but there’s something about Asian salads that stand out, like this McDonald’s Asian Salad.

I don’t know if it’s the juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; perky soybeans; long, sexy snow peas; warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; fiery red bell peppers; glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing; or the small, lickable toasted almonds, but something about it makes me want to instantly go down to its bowl and eat it.

So how do I eat it?

First, I’d bite into those juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; then suck on those perky soybean; spread open those long, sexy snow peas; then stroke its warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; rub the glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing all over; and then lightly nibble on the toasted almonds.

I know how to treat Asian salads right. Just ask the Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad. Although we didn’t last and I haven’t eaten it in awhile, it would probably say that it enjoyed the time we spent together and any salad would be lucky to have me eat them. Also, it would probably say that I was great at going down on it and not making a big mess or not using the side of the bowl to wipe my mouth.

Some of the things I would do to make an Asian salad feel special is throw away those cheap plastic utensils that come with it and replace them with the finest salad fork stolen from some expensive, fancy restaurant.

Then I would replace the extremely cheap black salad bowl it came in with an old, expensive China bowl that has been passed down by several generations. At least that’s what the shopkeeper in Chinatown told me before I bought them. But I know for sure they were authentic Asian bowls because on the bottom of the bowls it says, “Made in China.”

See I would totally treat the McDonald’s Asian Salad or any other Asian salad right.

Now some of you might be wondering if all of this effort is worth it for this salad. Well let me tell you that it is worth it because it’s very good thanks to the tasty, glistening low-fat sesame ginger dressing from Paul Newman, which makes me thankful that Paul Newman’s salad dressing career is as successful as his movie career and not like the movie career of Pound Nudeman, worst gay porn actor EVER.

It’s also worth all of this effort because it’s got a slim one gram of saturated fat and 290 calories, but still has a hearty 31 grams of protein and 6 grams of fiber, because I like salads with a little booty. Sure, it’s a little salty, but when I look at those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges they totally make up for it.

Plus, I think one McDonald’s Asian Salad is enough to be a meal for almost everyone, especially Asian guys. But there are some guys out there who are able to have two Asian salads at one time. Those guys are lucky.

I hate those guys.

Item: McDonald’s Asian Salad
Price: $5.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty, low-fat dressing. Hearty salad. Nice mixture of tastes and textures. One gram of saturated fat. Only 290 calories. 31 grams of protein. 6 grams of fiber. Those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges.
Cons: Slightly pricey. Asian salad being attracted to Caucasian men. Nude Poundman’s gay porn acting career. Guys who get to have two Asian salads at one time.

Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub

Marvo 37 Comments

The six F’s I earned in college…Check.

Owning Carmen Electra’s rap CD…Check.

Getting aroused by a Photoshopped nude image of Rosie O’Donnell…Check.

That experiment involving peanut butter, a microwave, and a body part that rhymes with the word “machinist”…Check.

Oh, hello there.

I’m just making a list of things I want to scrub away with the new Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub. According to its advertisements I’ve seen in magazines and on television, it can scrub away the shame caused by questionable hook-ups.

I figured if it’s powerful enough to scrub away the shame of hooking up with either a female Romanian bodybuilder with more armpit hair than most men, that “woman” met via the “Anything Goes” personals section of a local alternative newspaper, or the “25-year-old” party girl on MySpace who turned out to be a 54-year-old party woman, but partied so hard that she looked 74 years old, it could also help me get rid of all the shameful things I’ve done in my life.

The Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub uses desert minerals and cactus oil to deeply clean and exfoliates to remove dirt, dry skin, and possibly that incident with a mime, monkey, and a bath tub full of mayonnaise.

After using the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub for several days, I can’t seem to scrub away the shame of owning the LaToya Jackson Playboy issue or that time I let a dog lick my face for longer than I should’ve and imagined it was Natalie Portman with really overactive saliva glands.

The Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub has not been able to scrub away the shame I accumulated over the years, but I do think its masculine scent will keep away any possible questionable hook-ups, because it just doesn’t smell good. In the bottle, it smells good. All over my body, not so much.

How do I know this?

Well after taking a shower with the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub, I walked over to the convenience store down the street. While there, I passed by a very cute college girl in the candy aisle. Right after I passed by her, she began coughing, like she smelled something bad.

I think I was that something bad.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find out if it’s possible to use the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub to help me scrub away the shame of using the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub.

Item: Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub
Price: $4.39
Purchased at: Kmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It’s yellow. Desert minerals exfoliate the skin. Nice grippy bottle. Rich lather.
Cons: Like most Axe products, it smells lame. The desert minerals are redundant if you use a loofah. Women possibly won’t like the scent. Probably better repels women than attracts them. My list of things I need to scrub away.

Delta Airlines Snack Pack

Marvo 29 Comments

The Delta Airlines Snack Pack I recently received on my five-hour red-eye flight to San Francisco was much like the flight itself…nothing really exciting.

My flight consisted of thin, blue blankets, a lot of empty seats, cute 30-something female flight attendants, and Big Momma’s House 2 as the in-flight movie.

My snack pack consisted of a shortbread cookie, buttermilk and herb crackers, a box of raisins, and a small container of spreadable Havarti cheese.

The shortbread cookie was like the thin, blue blanket that greeted me when I got to my seat. Both could’ve been thicker. The thin blanket did nothing to help keep me warm, while the thin shortbread cookie did nothing to help keep me nourished. The cookie lacked the butteriness that most good shortbread cookies have.

It was also dry, like a Jay Leno monologue. However, the cookie did come in a nice design much like Danish cookies. Too bad its taste was passive, much like Danish people.

The buttermilk and herb crackers were like the empty seats on my flight, because there were plenty of them and they all were a little small. Each cracker reminded me of a tiny piece of Italian garlic bread. I tried it plain, but it definitely tasted better with the Havarti cheese that also came in the Delta Airlines Snack Pack.

The raisins were like the cute 30-something female flight attendants because they both had wrinkles (although they were very slight around the eyes of the female flight attendants), they are sweet, they are probably both delicious, and I’d like to take some home with me. The box of SunMaid raisins was the “fun-sized” one and it was definitely the healthiest part of the snack pack.

Finally, the small container of spreadable Havarti cheese was like the movie Big Momma’s House 2. I would never spend eight dollars for a tub of Havarti cheese at the grocery store or spend eight dollars to watch Big Momma’s House 2 at a movie theater.

Heck, I wouldn’t even spend the two dollars to get the headphones so I could watch it on the flight.

Besides, why would I spend eight dollars for Havarti cheese when I can spend 55 cents for the cheese in a Kraft Handi-Snacks Cheese and Crackers, which the Havarti tasted like.

Overall, the Delta Airlines Snack Pack was a decent potpourri of individually-packed goodness. It was definitely better and more substantial than the hard-to-open honey-roasted peanuts that were given to me on previous five-hour red-eye flights.

Item: Delta Airlines Snack Pack
Price: FREE (Airfare not included)
Purchased at: Received free on Delta Airlines Flight 637
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: A potpourri of individually-packed goodness. Better than a hard-to-open pack of honey-roasted peanuts. Lots of empty seats on my flight.
Cons: Thin blanket and thin cookie. Cookie was dry. Spending two dollars for the headphones on a flight. Expensive sounding cheese didn’t taste expensive. Big Momma’s House 2.