Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch

Marvo 36 Comments

Recently, I picked up the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes…

HEY MR. TAXI DRIVER! YOU LEARNED ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE, SO WHY CAN’T YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!?!

…Drink ‘n Crunch.

Since breakfast is a meal a lot of people skip, Kellogg’s is trying to get more people to eat breakfast by making it convenient to eat on our commute to work. So I’m just driving around with a Drink ‘n Crunch to see if if really is convenient. Fortunately, the Drink ‘n Crunch has an angled outer lip, which will help me see the road and it will fit into my…

HEY MR. FAST AND FURIOUS! THANKS FOR NOT USING YOUR BLINKER AND CUTTING ME OFF. BY THE WAY, YOUR MUFFLER MAKES YOUR CAR SOUND LIKE IT’S FARTING!

…car’s cup holders.

To prevent the cereal from getting soggy in the milk, each Drink ‘n Crunch consists of an inner cup, that holds the smaller than usual cereal and an outer cup, which holds the milk. Unfortunately, you must provide the milk. To pour in the milk, I had to separate the inner cup from the outer cup and pour the milk into the outer cup. There was a convenient level on the side of the outer cup that let me know how much milk…

OOOOH MR. SPINNING HUBCAPS AND THUMPING CAR STEREO SYSTEM! YOU COULD SPEND THE 30 DOLLARS ON SPINNING HUBCAPS, BUT COULDN’T SPEND SOME MONEY ON DRIVING LESSONS AND EARPLUGS FOR YOUR INFANT IN THE BACK SEAT!?!

…to pour in.

After putting the inner cup back into the milk-filled outer cup, sort of like those Russian dolls, all that needed to be done was to pull back the foil lid and enjoy. The milk is dispensed through a small rectangular hole, which allows the milk to be consumed in small doses. I guess I now can fully appreciate…

HEY MS. TOO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE SO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK, YOU COULD SEE ME WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO GET INTO MY LANE!

…what it’s like to be breast-fed.

Despite following the instructions on the packaging to shake the Drink ‘n Crunch gently to loosen the cereal, it had a hard time coming out. It was as frustrating as drunk dry heaving, except with the Drink ‘n Crunch I’m behind the wheel of a two ton automobile, while with drunk dry heaving, I’m behind a bunch of bushes. It’s definitely not good to be…

HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, MR. DVD PLAYER IN THE DASHBOARD! UNLESS YOU’RE WATCHING THE ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU VIA YOUR DASHBOARD SCREEN, I’D SUGGEST YOU KEEP BOTH EYES ON THE ROAD, JACKASS!

…frustrated behind the wheel.

Besides the uncooperative cereal, another thing that made the Drink ‘n Crunch not so convenient was the angled lip, which was designed to make it easier to see the road. Unfortunately, the only way I could see the road, while trying to eat from the Drink ‘n Crunch was to turn my head sideways, while keeping my eyes on the road. Definitely…

HEY MS. PUTTING ON MAKEUP WHILE DRIVING! STOP DRIFTING INTO MY LANE! YOU KNOW IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO DRIVE, NOT TWO KNEES!

…not safe.

As for the cereal itself, it was typical Frosted Flakes, when I could get it into my mouth. I ran out of milk before I ran out of cereal, which is the opposite of what happens when I eat milk and cereal in a bowl. However, despite the taste, the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch just wasn’t as convenient as it should’ve been.

Also, there are a lot of shitty drivers on the road.

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch
Price: $1.89
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Somewhat smart concept. Convenient level on the side to let you know how much milk to pour in.
Cons: Pricey, since it’s slightly cheaper than a whole box of cereal. Milk not included. Despite shaking it to loosen cereal, it still had a hard time coming out. Lip of container obstructed my view while consuming. Shitty drivers.

Jockey Next to Nothing Thong/Wearing a Thong

Marvo 47 Comments

Thongs…They’re usually worn by women, European male sunbathers, and male strippers.

I think they look totally hot on women, but as for European male sunbathers and male strippers, not so much. You may think I’m a little biased about that because I’m straight, but I have female friends who also think men in thongs aren’t hot at all.

However, I think my female friends who think this way are in the minority, because for some reason, if you stick a bunch of women in a room with lots of alcohol, huge wads of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, they go unbelievably crazy over the guys in thongs.

I want women to go unbelievably crazy over me and the only way I believe I can do this is to start wearing thongs. Now I’m usually a boxer or boxer brief kind of guy, depending on how much freedom on a particular day I want to give my “cucumber and tomatoes,” but maybe it was time for something different.

So I went to my local Jockey Store and picked up a Jockey Next to Nothing Thong, which is the significantly less fabric consuming, but almost equally priced, cousin of the Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Brief, which I reviewed last year. When I went to the counter to pay for the thong, I asked the cute saleswoman if she likes guys who wear thongs. She looked at me weird, like I asked her an uncomfortable question, and then said she doesn’t like guys in thongs.

However, I think if you stuck her in a room with a bunch of other women, lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, she would say otherwise while licking whipped cream off of the pierced nipples of one of the thonged men.

Anyway, the first thing I did when I got home with my brand new thong was wash and dry it, just in case some other dude’s sperm kettle was in it.

To be honest, I should be used to having my underwear run up my ass. After all, I received a lot of wedgies growing up, and in those days I wore exclusively tighty-whiteys. If you’ve never experienced a tighty-whitey wedgie, you are either a fast runner or you were probably one of those people who gave kids like me wedgies.

Anyway, when I first put the thong on, it felt kind of good, but the soft microfiber material might’ve had something to do with that. The front felt like a tighty-whitey, while the back felt like I was being preparing for a sumo wrestling match. Also, I suddenly wished I either had a black bow tie around my neck or a fake rip-away policeman or fireman uniform.

As I walked around in the thong, I felt the “crack cover” part of the thong get sucked in by my ass. I kept pulling it out, but I quickly learned if the “crack cover” is getting sucked in between the cheeks, I should not pull it out, because it’s just going to get sucked in again. I should just get used to it.

After about an hour of wearing it, I got used to it and wearing the thong got comfortable, from the “crack cover” to the “taint topper” to the “chestnut roaster.” Even when I went running with them, it didn’t feel uncomfortable.

Despite the comfortable feeling, I don’t think I’ll be wearing a thong on a regular basis. First off, my semi-flat Asian ass doesn’t look very good in a thong. Also, I’m afraid of being caught with a whale tail.

So I guess I’ll have to find another way to get women to go unbelievably crazy over me. Too bad I don’t have a large room with lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollars bills, a tan, and an oily body.

Item: Jockey Next to Nothing Thong/Wearing a Thong
Price: $11.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Jockey Store
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (Jockey Next to Nothing Thong)
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Wearing a thong)
Pros: Microfiber is soft. The thong eventually got comfortable. I got used to the “crack cover” getting sucked in by my ass. Good “cucumber and tomatoes” support. Thongs on women.
Cons: Whale tail. My ass does not look good in a thong. Wedgies. Thongs on European male sunbathers.

Rockstar Juiced

Marvo 19 Comments

Rockstar Juiced

“Being juiced” is usually only reserved for some Olympic athletes and baseball players, but thanks to Rockstar Juiced, now everyone can be juiced too.

Although, by drinking Rockstar Juiced we can’t have the increased athletic performance, premature baldness, severe acne, enlargement of the heart, increased body hair, liver damage, elevated blood pressure, abnormal breast development (in men), permanently enlarged clitoris (in women), and shrunken balls (in men) that comes with the other juice.

Instead, what I got from drinking it was an easy to drink energy drink, thanks to the 70 percent juice in it, that tasted much better than the original Rockstar energy drink. The mango, orange, and passion fruit combination in Rockstar Juiced was very good, although I thought the passion fruit taste was a little too strong, which overpowered the other flavors, much like how Beyoncé does with Destiny’s Child.

Oh, if only I had as much passion as this Rockstar Juiced, then maybe my ex-girlfriends wouldn’t have broken up with me and I wouldn’t be single today. Maybe if I had more passion, I would be married, a homeowner, a pet owner, and perhaps, a parent.

I would be working during the day, spending time with my family in the evening, and making sweet, sweet love with the wife late at night. Then eventually that routine would get old and I would hang with my co-workers at the bar, come home late, get into verbal fights with my wife, spend less time with the kids, and buy a convertible sports car.

Anyway, along with the strong passion fruit taste, another thing that bothered me about the Rockstar Juiced is the fact that despite having the word “rockstar” in it, I don’t think any rock star would actually pick it up.

The reason why I say this is because there are many other things available to rock stars which have much more appeal. Here’s a list, in no particular order:

1. Young groupies
2. Cocaine
3. Middle-aged groupies
4. Marijuana
5. Old groupies
6. Heroin
7. Groupie boobs to autograph
8. Acid
9. Lap dances from groupies
10. Magic mushrooms
11. Making a sex tape with groupies, which eventually finds its way onto the internet
12. Ecstasy
13. Sloppy seconds with groupies

Sure the Rockstar Juiced has 160 milligrams of caffeine per 16-ounce can, but cocaine is much more effective for late night partying. Also, Rockstar Juiced may have 130 milligrams of a combination of guarana, ginseng, and ginkgo herbs, but when it’s time to mellow out for rock stars, marijuana is herb of choice.

Well I guess I should be glad that rock stars probably don’t consume Rockstar Juiced, because it just means more for the rest of us.

Item: Rockstar Juiced
Price: $1.69 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really good flavor. Easy to drink. 70 percent juice. 160 mg of caffeine per 16-ounce can. Slightly less sugar than most energy drinks (21 grams per 8-ounce serving). Autographing groupie boobs (Someday I will accomplish this).
Cons: A little too much passion fruit flavor. Not illegal or hedonistic enough for rock stars. My lack of passion.

REVIEW: Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts

Marvo 32 Comments

I don’t know if Kevin Federline likes Pop-Tarts, but I do know that he has a rap album coming out. If K-Fed does like Pop-Tarts and if he wrote lyrics about Pop-Tarts for his album, I think they would go something like this:

My name is K-Fed, I’m richer than you.
Although it’s Britney’s money, I can spend it too.
I buy cars, motorcycles, bling, and booze,
But I also buy Pop-Tarts, any flavor I choose.

I get them by the crate, carton, or barge container,
The ones with chocolate are much greater.
Sometimes when I really can’t decide on a flavor,
I buy every single one and save them for later.

I’ve got a dozen toasters in a row when I have a Pop-Tarts party,
When Britney is away I consume Pop-Tarts and Bacardi.
If I eat two in a row, I call it a meal that’s hearty.
If I eat more than three, the room is gonna smell a little farty.


When I eat two at a time, I hold one in each limb.
When I want more, I give one to my homie Tim.
Yeah I eat a lot of Pop-Tarts, but how do I stay so slim?
I followed the weight loss plan from that Olsen twin.

I’ll stick one in the toaster before I get ready when I’m on the run.
Because I don’t have any hygiene I’m ready before it’s done.
I’d eat a whole box of Pop-Tarts if I want to do something fun.
Cuz I don’t have chores, responsibilities, or an occupation.

Tryin’ to shove a whole Pop-Tart down your mouth is very funny.
I pay members of my entourage to do it for me with Britney’s money.
I feed Pop-Tarts to Sean Preston when he gets hungry.
But I keep them away from Britney, cuz I don’t want her chubby.

Word.

I know K-Fed’s album hasn’t, as Britney would say, “dropped” yet, but I guarantee the Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts will be one billion times better, cause less headaches, be better at getting the hotties on to the dance floor, get more respected from other rappers, and be a better father to K-Fed’s kids.

The Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts are pretty good, although I’m not sure they are as good as the Frosted Apple & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts I had growing up, which was one of my favorite flavors back in the day. For those of you who are too young to remember “back in the day,” back in the day there were only something like six Pop-Tart flavors, half of them had frosting on them. Now it’s like Baskin-Robbins ice cream, with thirty something flavors.

The Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts aren’t as sweet as I remember the Frosted Apple & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts were, but still pretty tasty nonetheless. I’ve never had an apple strudel before, or any kind of strudel for that matter, so I don’t know if it tastes like one. However, it was apple-ish and a little cinnamon-ish.

I only had one gripe with it. I wished there was more frosting on the top of it, instead of the drizzle they have. I know the drizzle makes it look strudel-ish, but having a solid, huge layer of frosting on top would make it even better. But I guess I should be happy that there is some frosting, because Pop-Tarts without frosting are very lame.

Although, frosting-less Pop-Tarts don’t even come close to being as lame as K-Fed dropping some rhymes.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a whole heck of a lot of Pop-Tarts over its existence. You can read previous Pop-Tarts reviews here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.)

Item: Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts
Purchased Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Good. Apple-ish and a little cinnamon-ish. Made with real fruit.
Cons: Needs more frosting on top. Not good frozen. K-Fed’s hygiene. K-Fed’s rhyming ability. K-Fed reproducing. PopoZão.

Quiznos Prime Rib Sub

Marvo 56 Comments

Mmmm…Prime rib.

It’s one of the staples of the all-you-can-eat dinner buffet, along with soft serve ice cream, a salad bar with your choice of ranch, thousand island, and Italian dressing, soggy corn on the cob, belts that need to be opened up a notch, and smelly, smelly restrooms.

The prime rib stop always holds up the rest of the buffet line, sometimes stopping the buffet traffic all the way back to the cauliflower at the salad bar.

When people see prime rib, they want prime rib, unless they like their meat well done, they’re a member of PETA, or they believe Adam’s rib, which formed the sexy, naked Eve, can be the only thing called “prime rib.”

An all-you-can-eat dinner buffet is usually the only place where people consume prime rib, because cooking a prime rib is not a job for the impatient or really hungry people.

However, thanks to Quiznos, which is probably the easiest 25-point Scrabble word there is using the letters “Q” and “Z,” we can all enjoy prime rib without the “goodness” of a Las Vegas buffet, like long lines or old ladies in motorized carts bumping into you.

The Quiznos Prime Rib Sub consists of thinly-sliced, slow-roasted prime rib with mozzarella cheese, sauteed onions, and mild peppercorn sauce.

I felt compelled to purchase one after seeing the commercial for it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

If you haven’t seen the commercial, go visit the Quiznos site, it’s wonderful food pr0n.

The commercial shows an orgy of prime rib that glistens with the shine of the greasy mild peppercorn sauce, stuffed in between two long buns, with white mozzarella cheese oozing out from between the meat. Of course, the sandwich in the commercial looks nothing like the picture above, which looks like two haggard hobos getting it on.

Although, the Quiznos Prime Rib Sub looks like two haggard hobos getting it on, it tastes like whatever the opposite of two haggard hobos getting it on would be. In other words, it was pretty good. The peppercorn sauce was good, but thankfully it wasn’t overpowering, which allowed the flavor of the meat to be noticed. The meat wasn’t tough and there really was an orgy of it, as you can see from the picture above.

However, just like most good prime rib buffets, the Quiznos Prime Rib Sub was very pricey. A regular-sized prime rib sub, which is about eight inches long, costs about ten dollars.

Too bad it wasn’t all-you-can-eat prime rib subs, because then it would’ve been worth it.

Item: Quiznos Prime Rib Sub
Purchase Price: $9.29 (Regular-Sized)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: An orgy of meat. Mmmm….Tasty! Good peppercorn sauce. All-you-can-eat buffets. Using “Quiznos” in Scrabble.
Cons: Hella expensive. Cauliflower. All-you-can-eat buffets. Old ladies in motorized wheelchairs running to me.