Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts

Marvo 39 Comments

Hello Kitty is a whore!

Seriously, who would allow themselves to have their likeness on every possible conceivable product.

Some of you might say, “Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, so she can’t say yes or no to what products she wants to endorse.”

My answer to that would be, “Well, Hello Kitty has a head, which she can use to nod for, “Yes, I really like the idea of a Hello Kitty sleeping bag,” or she can shake her in disagreement for, “No, I don’t want my face on a bowl of Hello Kitty dried ramen.”

Or if Hello Kitty REALLY didn’t want to have her likeness on something, she could throw her many bows at her agent or manager, which would instantly let that person know that, “NO! I don’t want my face to be on a Hello Kitty vibrator.”

But just like Kate Moss with cocaine, she just can’t say no, and that’s why I think Hello Kitty is a whore. Hello Kitty is like Martha Stewart, who has hundreds of products with her name on it. However, Hello Kitty is a hundred times worse. Martha doesn’t have a Martha Stewart MP3 player, but Hello Kitty does. Martha also doesn’t have a Martha Stewart rice cooker, but Hello Kitty does. Any Martha Stewart video games? No, but Hello Kitty has video games.

Anyway, I wrote a song about Hello Kitty’s whoreness called, “Hello Kitty is Everywhere.”


If your Hello Kitty alarm clock is annoyingly way too loud.
Put in a pair of Hello Kitty earplugs to drown out the sound.
If the earplugs don’t work, put a Hello Kitty pillow over your head.
Maybe next time you should use a Hello Kitty clock radio instead.

You can eat cereal with a Hello Kitty bowl and spoon.
While you wait for your Hello Kitty coffee maker, you watch cartoons.
Your Hello Kitty toaster has inside two slices of bread.
The butter is ready with a Hello Kitty knife to be spread.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

Watching Cartoon Network on your Hello Kitty TV/DVD combo set.
Using your Hello Kitty keyboard and mouse, while you surf the internet.
Looking for the Hilary Duff album in your 20-count Hello Kitty CD case.
You grab a Kleenex from your Hello Kitty tissue holder to wipe your face.

It’s hot, but you use your Hello Kitty electric fan to keep the heat away.
You have water with ice from your Hello Kitty shaped ice cube tray.
You call people on your Hello Kitty cell phone to find out what’s up.
Your throat is dry, so you take a drink from your Hello Kitty cup.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

You ate too much so you have to lift your Hello Kitty toilet lid.
Thank goodness you bought Hello Kitty toilet paper when you did.
Your Hello Kitty air freshener will keep things from smelling bad.
The soap from the Hello Kitty soap dispenser smells really rad.

You slip on your Hello Kitty socks, shorts, shirt, sandals, and thong.
Just incase it rains, your Hello Kitty umbrella should be taken along.
You put on your Hello Kitty sunglasses to protect yourself from UV rays.
The Hello Kitty glitter sunscreen you put on will do the same.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

It’s night time and you’re bowling and drinking Hello Kitty champagne.
Throwing gutterballs with your Hello Kitty bowling ball, you suck at this game.
By the end of the night, you’re throwing up in your Hello Kitty garbage can.
You pass out in the kitchen because you love the cold feeling of your Hello Kitty pan.

Hours later you’re in the shower behind a Hello Kitty shower curtain.
You dry yourself off with your Hello Kitty towel set, even though you’re hurtin’.
You jump into your Hello Kitty pajamas and under the Hello Kitty comforter on your bed.
Dreams of Hello Kitty circling around your soon-to-be hungover head.

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t believe that all these Hello Kitty items exist, go check out Dream Kitty and J-List.)

I personally wished that Hello Kitty threw some bows at someone when they were deciding to come out with these Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts, because there’s nothing really special about them. They were good, but they were basically regular Wild Berry Pop-Tarts, except with pink frosting and girly-girly sprinkles on top, which come in the shapes of flowers, bows, and Hello Kitty heads.

But I guess the pink frosting and girly-girly sprinkles are enough for a little girl or extremely effeminate little boy to ask you to buy a box for them. They can’t resist the cute innocent face of Hello Kitty on the box and you’ll buy a box for them because probably deep down you can’t resist Hello Kitty’s innocent face too…Or you just don’t want to deal with your kids constant nagging.

Anyway, these Pop-Tarts were as sweet as Hello Kitty herself. But then again, all Pop-Tarts are as sweet as Hello Kitty.

Item: Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.99 (12-pack)
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: As sweet as Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty’s cute innocent face. It’s a 12-pack. Your little girl or extremely effeminate little boy will love you if you buy them. Perfect if you like excessive amounts of pink.
Cons: Hello Kitty has no mouth. Hello Kitty is a whore, selling her likeness to anyone who will show her the money. Nothing really special, they taste like regular Wild Berry Pop-Tarts. Your little girl or extremely effeminate little boy will hate you if you don’t buy them.

Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray Sunscreen

Marvo 21 Comments

On occasion, I like to help the MILFs and the DILFs of the world.

For those of you who don’t know, DILFs are Daddies I‘d Like to help with Fatherhood, while MILFs are still hot, sexy MILFs.

MILFs and DILFs are inundated with products specifically made for kids. When I walk down the aisles in the personal care section of a store, I see many products for kids, while looking for things to review, giving deodorant scent recommendations to people who didn’t ask, wishing the hip-hop trio A Tribe Called Quest would come out with a new album every time I see Q-Tips, and trying to determine the pros and cons of pads and tampons.

There’s shampoo for kids, toothpaste for kids, body wash for kids, vitamins for kids, aspirin for kids, echinacea for kids, and shaving razors for really hairy kids. Because there are so many kid-specific products, I want to help the MILFs and DILFs sift though these products.

Recently, I was given a few cans of Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen from Robert, who some of you know as, “Robert the Condom Guy.” I think he probably sent me the sunscreen because he didn’t want to be known as “Robert the Condom Guy.”

Anyway, I don’t have kids of my own — unless someone knows something that I don’t — so I couldn’t try out the Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray on a kid. So being the natural guinea pig that I am, except hairier, I tried this product for a couple of weeks on myself during afternoon jogging sessions, which help me keep my slightly overweight girlish figure.

The main draw of this product is the fact that it’s a spray-on sunscreen, which allows easy application of sunscreen on kids, without the feeling of appearing child molester-ish, which some folks get with regular rub-on sunscreen.

Application of the clear Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen on my arms, legs and neck was quick and easy, and it dried within seconds. Although applying it to my face wasn’t so easy. The directions on the can say to spray it in my hands to apply to my face, but when I followed those directions, the alcohol fumes from it made me gag, much like I do when I’m watching the scene in the movie Exit to Eden when Rosie O’Donnell is dressed up in S&M gear.

I expected the Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen to have a fruity scent, like most kid-specific products, but instead it smelled like any other sunscreen. Thank goodness it had a typical sunscreen scent, because I wouldn’t feel very masculine during my afternoon jogging sessions if I smelled like “wild watermelon” or “cherry blast.”

The sunscreen seemed to have provided great sun protection since I didn’t feel any sunburn afterwards and it also seemed to produce lasting protection despite my sweating like a pig during my one hour jogging sessions.

So while the Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen is made for 8-year-olds, it’s strong enough for MILFs and DILFs as well.

Item: Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray Sunscreen
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by Robert the Condom Guy
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Quick and easy to apply. Waterproof. UVA/UVB Protection. Goes on clear, so there’s no white crap. Not as greasy as rub-on sunscreen. Spray on is perfect if you don’t want to look like a child molester or NAMBLA member. No kiddie scent, which makes it possible for adults to use without smelling like kiddies. No CFCs. Robert the Condom Guy.
Cons: Application of it on face. Not wearing sunscreen when outdoors. Looking like a child molester. Rosie in S&M gear.

REVIEW: Burger King Quad Stacker

Marvo 45 Comments

Burger King Quad Stacker

One of the goals in my life is to be a speaker at a high school graduation. I don’t know how I’m going to do it or why anyone would invite me to speak, but I want it to happen. So in preparation of this goal, I wrote the speech I would present to some graduating class, and I’d like to share it with all of you.

I’d like to thank the graduating seniors for inviting me today. I’m honored to be here at some high school that I didn’t attend, but rest assured if I did go to this school, I would be the one all of you would ignore, beat up, or steal lunch money from.

Students from the Class of (Insert Class Year Here), I’m here to talk to you about goals. It’s something you probably have on your mind as most of you make your way to college or into the work force. Hopefully, my words here today will inspire, but if not that, I hope that you get a good nap from it, much like I did while attempting to listen to the guest speaker at my high school graduation.

I believe there are pillows under your chairs. You may take them out now. Remember, no drooling on the shoulder of the person next to you.

Remember when you were little and people asked what you wanted to be when you grow up. You all probably said occupations like police officer, doctor, lawyer, fireman, astronaut, and pizza delivery guy. But if you think about it, you were kind of forced to say these things because you didn’t really know of any other occupations out there, like data entry clerk, account executive, financial planner, or whatever people do on the TV show America’s Got Talent. Sure you also could’ve said teacher, but even at a young age, you all knew that teachers are overworked and underpaid.

Now that you’re older and wiser, most of you realize how crazy it was to consider being any of those things. Becoming a doctor or lawyer means more years of school and large college loans. Becoming a police officer isn’t as fun as any of the Police Academy movies. Finally, becoming a pizza delivery guy isn’t as glamorous as what was shown on your friend’s videotape, which he stole from his dad’s hidden video collection.

However, there are some of you who aspire to do things that are greater than what you are capable of. One of you probably wants to become a neurosurgeon, but unfortunately lack the hand dexterity and steadiness needed for the job, which was probably lost after taking too many spills on your Rollerblades without wrist guards. Another one of you may have dreams of become a Broadway dancer, but lack the rhythm, flexibility, stage presence, and high leg kick to do so.

Since you lack the skills necessary to do those things, you probably think that hard work and perseverance may help you reach your goals, but as someone older than you and someone who has gained some sort of success, since I’m speaking in front of you today, I’m here to tell you that you should really just settle for something else.

Don’t feel sad about settling, there is absolutely no shame in doing so…Unless your parents live vicariously through you, then you’ll probably feel guilt for the rest of your life. But you shouldn’t think of settling as giving up, you should think of it as Plan B.

For that person who wants to be a neurosurgeon, settle for being a psychologist instead. You still get to cut open the heads of patients, except instead of saws and scalpels, you will use phrases like “How does that make you feel?” and “What do the voices in your head say?” to look inside peoples’ heads.

As for the Broadway dancer wannabe, I’d suggest you settle for becoming a stripper. You still get to dance, the pay is usually better, and I believe you can write off breast implants as a tax deduction.

Personally, I’ve had to settle for many things. For example, I wanted a Lexus, but had to settle for a Toyota Corolla, due to not being able to pay the $800 monthly loan payments. I’ve also wanted to date Winona Ryder, but instead had to settle for ANY woman who wouldn’t say “no” to me, but I wasn’t successful with that either, so I just settled for ANYTHING with legs.

I’ve also had to settle for a Burger King Quad Stacker instead of a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger.

Instead of the 1,410 calories, 107 grams of fat, 45 grams of saturated fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,740 milligrams of sodium from the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I had to settle for the 1,000 calories, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,800 milligrams of sodium in the Burger King Quad Stacker.

It totally feels like wanting the homecoming queen, but instead ending up with one of the other members of the homecoming court. It may seem like I totally regret settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker, but let me tell you, I am content with my decision.

Sure the Burger King Quad Stacker’s four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, eight strips of bacon, BK Stacker Sauce, and sesame seed bun may not seem heavy at 311 grams, compared with the 413-gram Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but as all women know, size doesn’t matter.

I believe I made the right decision in settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker.

Sure there’s really nothing special about its taste, because it tastes like any other bacon cheeseburger out there, but sometimes it’s not the taste that really matters, it’s the fact that there are four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, and EIGHT strips of bacon.

So I hope I’ve made you all realize that settling is okay. Just as long as you don’t look back and think “What if?”

Thank you.

Item: Burger King Quad Stacker
Price: $4.49 (sandwich only)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Settling. It tastes like any old bacon cheeseburger, except four times bigger. Perfect if you HATE veggies, LOVE meat, or enjoy a little bread. Lots of protein (62 grams). My dream of speaking at a high school graduation. Anything with legs.
Cons: A tall sandwich, but not wide. It’s not a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but that’s okay and I’m content with settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker. Being a police officer is nothing like the Police Academy movies.

REVIEW: Grapple

Marvo 35 Comments

MARVO: Today, I’m here with Mother Nature to discuss the Grapple, which is an apple that tastes like a grape. So Mother Nature, what do you think of this Grapple?

MOTHER NATURE: First off, are you pronouncing it right? Shouldn’t it be “gr-apple,” like I grappled you to the ground and beat your little punk ass.

MARVO: Well on the packaging, it’s printed as “gra-pple,” like you’re saying the words “gray” and “pull.”

MOTHER NATURE: Whatever, little man. Let me just say that I don’t believe in these man-made hybrid fruits. It’s kind of fucked up if you ask me, because it’s not the way mother fuckin’ Mother Nature intended it. So how do they make these mother fuckin’ Grapples?

MARVO: Well they take a Fuji apple and soak it in a Concord grape concentrate. The process doesn’t add any extra calories or sugars to the apple and it doesn’t alter the texture of it either. With the Grapples I’ve tried, they have a strong Welch’s grape juice kind of smell, but unfortunately it doesn’t have a grape taste that is as equally as strong. Despite that, they are pretty good. Pretty impressive, eh?

MOTHER NATURE: Should I be impressed with the fact that someone created a mother fuckin’ apple that tastes like a mother fuckin’ grape? Come on, I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature, bitch. I don’t need to soak an apple in grape concentrate to make a Grapple, all I have to do is just snap my fingers to make one. Want a Grapple?

MARVO: Um, sure. So snapping your fingers is all you need to do?

MOTHER NATURE: Damn straight, because I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature. Ya heard.

(Mother Nature snaps her fingers and a Grapple appears)

MOTHER NATURE: Booyah! There’s a mother fuckin’ Grapple for yo’ ass! Did I just blow your mind, like I’m mother fuckin’ Mindfreak, yo! You humans are crazy, using genetic engineering and cross-pollination to form new “species,” but all I have to do is just snap my fingers, like I’m in a doo-wop group. Because why?

MARVO: Um, because you’re mother fuckin’ Mother Nature?

MOTHER NATURE: That’s right, little man. You want a strawloupe?

MARVO: What’s a strawloupe and what’s doo-wop?

(Mother Nature snaps her fingers and a strawloupe appears)

MOTHER NATURE: A strawloupe! A strawberry that tastes like a cantaloupe, bitch. Try it or else I’ll make lightning strike yo’ ass.

(Marvo tries the strawloupe)

MARVO: Hey! This is pretty good, Mother Nature.

MOTHER NATURE: Damn right it’s good, because I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature. You better recognize. It’s the way that Mother Nature intended it, bitch. How about a pearch? It’s a peach that tastes like a pear. Or a mangorange? It’s a orange that tastes like a mango. Or how about a banagerine? It’s a tangerine that tastes like a banana. I can do this all mother fuckin’ day, yo!

MARVO: Um, this is all fine and dandy, but can I get a few more Grapples, because they’re kind of expensive at five bucks for a four-pack.

MOTHER NATURE: Five bucks for four? Damn, that’s expensive. Thank goodness I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature and I can make Grapples with a snap of my fingers, because I couldn’t afford this shit on a regular basis. My name ain’t Bill Gates.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Derrick for letting me know about Grapples. Now I must find his other suggestion, the Turducken.)

Item: Grapple
Price: $4.99 (4-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. It’s a frickin’ apple that tastes like a grape. Totally smells like Welch’s grape juice. NOT genetically engineered. Mother Nature’s power to make new fruits and to strike my ass with lightning.
Cons: Grape taste is not as strong as its grape smell. Kind of expensive for just four apples. Mother Nature’s dropping of excessive F-bombs. Pissing off Mother Nature. Trying to pronounce Grapple. Mother Nature’s reference to doo-wop. Mother Nature is a bitch.

Paris Hilton – Stars Are Blind

Marvo 19 Comments

I have to admit that I was wrong and I should never judge a book by its night vision sex tape.

I’ve made lots of fun of Paris Hilton, along with everyone else not named Paris Hilton, but I’m proud of her for trying to find her niche in the world. Sure no one really gave a rat’s ass about her until her infamous sex tape, but instead of letting that totally un-masturbationable video label her as the “Hotel Heiress Ho,” she’s gone out and tried to make something of herself.

The more that I think about it, the more I realize that Paris Hilton is just like me….Well, my college career at least.

I spent six years in college and during that time I switched my major about four times. First, it was Accounting, then Journalism, then Athletic Training, then American Studies, and then I finally ended up majoring in English. This is very similar to Paris Hilton’s life. First, she was a spoiled rich brat, then a “fashion model,” then an “actress,” then an “author,” and now she’s a “singer.”

Oh, but the similarities between Paris Hilton and my college career don’t end there. Paris failed horribly in the movie House of Wax and I failed horribly in Accounting 201, Math 100, Anatomy 301, Anatomy Lab 301, and Russian 101. Sure she won the 2005 Worst Supporting Actress Razzie for her role in the movie, but I won probation for my 1.5 GPA during my sophomore year.

Paris and I have also both been in relationships with people we totally regret being with. For her, it’s Rick Salomon, who stars in the sex tape with her. For me, it’s a girl I’m going to nickname “The Bass Mouth Kisser” because kissing her was much like French kissing a bass fish, except messier.

Since Paris and I seem to be kindred spirits, I had to pick up the first single from her debut album off of the iTunes Music Store. I also did it because I want to support her and her dream to be something other than that motionless short-haired blond chick in that sex tape.

Don’t believe I bought it? Check my iPod’s screen on the left.

So can Paris sing?

Well with today’s technology, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and even tone deaf people like myself can sound good. This same technology made Paris sort of sound like Gwen Stefani in this song. As for the lyrics, I’m pretty sure she didn’t write them herself, because if you’ve read any of her books or the essay portion of her GED exam, you’ll know that writing isn’t her strong point.

Although, I have to admit that its beat kind of makes me want to shake my big booty. Actually, its reggae beat kind of makes me want to skank.

Now just to clarify, when I say “skank,” I’m not talking about Paris Hilton, I’m talking about dancing to a reggae or ska beat.

The reggae beat and lyrics make for an okay Paris Hilton song, but I think the same reggae beat and lyrics would make an awesome UB40 song.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Helldog, Carrie, and CarbonNYC for being selected as the winners of The Impulsive Buy’s 300th Review Prize Drawing. They will each receive a $25 gift certificate to Threadless.com. Thank you to everyone who participated.)

Item: Paris Hilton – Stars Are Blind
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Music Store
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It has the structure of a song: verse one, chorus, verse two, chorus, verse three, chorus. Kind of makes me want to skank. Lyrics and reggae beat would make for an awesome UB40 song. Paris’ attempts to make her niche in the world.
Cons: Money can buy you a record deal, or more specifically, a record label so that you can give yourself a record deal. Technology can make Paris sound like Gwen Stefani. Excessive use of a breathy voice, Paris Hilton’s un-masturbationable sex tape. My college career. “The Bass Mouth Kisser.”