Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Sparks

Marvo 20 Comments

“Don’t worry, Jen. I’ll make you forget Brad and Vince with my tender lips. Get out of the way Ron Livingston! You’re ruining the moment.”

After drinking the entire 16-ounce can of the Sparks alcohol energy drink, it was like romantic sparks were flying everywhere.

For some reason, probably because of my low alcohol tolerance, I wanted to make out with every inanimate object in my apartment, including Jennifer Aniston on my computer monitor while watching the movie Office Space.

Heck, my body pillow looked hot in its long red pillow case, sort of like Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?; my refrigerator looked like a really pale, big boned hottie; and the mop the in closet looked like Nicole Richie.

Also, if you know how much I love the curves of Method product bottles, I just wanted to let you know that loved them a little bit more after drinking Sparks.

It was a long night thanks to the caffeine, taurine, guarana, and siberian ginseng blend in the can of Sparks, which kept me up. I continued hitting on other inanimate things in my apartment, like the recliner in the living room, the dish rack in the kitchen, and empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom.

Sparks had a nice citrus taste, which reminded me of most energy drinks mixed with vodka, except a whole lot sweeter.

It was easy to drink, but as it got warmer it became less easy. It was also definitely better tasting than the B to the E I tried last year.

Sparks calls itself a “premium malt beverage,” but usually when I think of “premium malt beverage” I think of Billy Dee Williams and Colt 45.

The can of Sparks I drank not only made inanimate objects look sexy, it also made me redder than a high school student who accidently farted loudly while taking the SAT exam, but I blame my Japanese blood for that.

The next morning, after waking up with my toaster next to me, I came to the realization that I would probably drink Sparks at a bar or club, if they had them, but I don’t know if I would drink them at home anymore, because I don’t like cleaning the smears on my computer monitor.

Item: Sparks
Purchase Price: FREE (16-ounces)
Purchased At: Received from roommate.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good sweet citrus taste. Big 16-ounce can. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Jessica Rabbit. The movie Office Space.
Cons: Maybe too sweet for some. For me, it makes everything look hot, due to my low alcohol tolerance. Cleaning smears on my computer monitor. Empty toilet paper roll love. Farting loudly while taking the SAT exam.

Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags

Marvo 35 Comments

You know what I hate?

I hate having to sometimes stuff cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. It’s amazing that I can stick ten of them up there. Although they say the large intestine is about five feet long, so technically I could probably fit a whole lot more.

Each one is worth $10,000 and they’re around an inch and a half in diameter. It’s ALWAYS an adventure sticking them in there and it takes over an hour long to get them all in.

I’m sure there are easier ways to make a little extra money, like stripping or selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists, but I think drug smuggling is a little more dignified.

Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why don’t you use lubricated condoms?” Well you would think using lubricated condoms would make it easier, but they don’t. So I end up using KY Jelly…Lots of KY Jelly.

I don’t think you can imagine how many tubes of KY Jelly I have to go through. Basically, I just squirt the whole tube into a little bowl, dip the cocaine-filled condom into the KY Jelly like it was a Chicken McNugget, grab a mirror, squat over it, and hope I get it in during the first try. If I don’t get it in during the first try, then I have to try it again and hope that I don’t get KY Jelly on my fingers because if I do, it’s hard to get a good grip on each cocaine-filled condom.

There are many bad things about transporting cocaine this way. Like if I get caught smuggling the cocaine, then I’ll probably go to prison for a few decades and have to deal with things being stuck up my ass every day. Another bad thing is that I have to fast for a couple of days, so I won’t have any bowel movements. However, probably the worst part about transporting cocaine this way is being called “Guadalubbe” by the drug dealers and getting paid in cash and KY Jelly.

Of course, I try really hard to not mind the teasing from the drug dealers, because they’re paying me…and they have guns.

Because of all this hassle, I’m always trying to find new ways transport the goods.

Recently, I picked up the new Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags, hoping that I could transport the cocaine by taping the Ziploc bags to my body, instead of sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass.

Why didn’t I use regular Ziploc bags before?

Because sometimes if you’re not careful, the seal may fail…and maybe sometimes I like sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass and having them rub against my prostate gland.

Anyway, I did a variety of tests on the bags. Since I don’t have a Consumer Reports laboratory with precise equipment, I just made up a bunch of tests off the top of my head.

First, I did the “water test,” which involved me filling half the bag with water, sealing it, and then applying as much pressure as I could with my hands and arms. The seal didn’t break, so that was a good sign.

Next, I did the “garlic test.” This test called for a couple of tablespoons of bottled minced garlic placed in the Double Zipper Ziploc Bag and then sealed. It would pass the test if I couldn’t smell the garlic. However, it failed because I could smell the garlic through the double seals, which would be bad for a drug smuggler if there were any drug-sniffing dogs around.

Finally, I did the “whoopie cushion test,” which involved putting air into the bag, sealing it, and then sitting on it. When I did it, the seal didn’t break, but the bag itself did, which was actually a good thing because it showed how strong the seal actually was.

So after all the testing was done, I decided that the Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bag wasn’t adequate to smuggle drugs with, mainly because of the “garlic test.” I decided to stick with shoving cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. However, the drug dealers I deal with got arrested and now they have to worry about having things stuck up their asses.

So now I guess I have to start selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists for extra money.

Item: Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags
Purchase Price: $2.99 (Quart-Sized)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Pretty good seal. Passed the “water test” and the “whoopie cushion test.” Prostate orgasms.
Cons: Not good for transporting cocaine. Didn’t pass the “garlic test.” Being called “Guadalubbe.” Prison.

Eggo Cereal

Marvo 28 Comments

Update: This cereal was brought back in 2019. Click here to read our review of the 2019 version.

Maple syrup is great for pancakes, French toast, and embarrassing your family name for participating in a maple syrup chugging contest

They are also great on waffles, especially frozen waffles. Actually they’re even better on burnt frozen waffles that were in the toaster for too long because a certain someone was distracted by a Girls Gone Wild DVD commercial on television.

Did you know the Canadian province of Quebec is the world’s largest producer of maple syrup?

Did you know that written things in Canada have to come in both English AND French?

Did you know there’s a Girls Gone Wild Canada?

Many of the pancake syrups you see on your store shelves contain little or no maple syrup at all. So it didn’t surprise me that the new maple syrup-flavored Eggo Cereal didn’t contain any maple syrup.

The only syrup it contained was high fructose corn syrup, which disappointed me like those black censored bars used in the Girls Gone Wild commercials.

Eggo Cereal was supposed to taste like waffles with maple syrup and it sort of did. However, it tasted more like a less-sweet Cap’n Crunch with a strong fake maple syrup scent. Since I’m a fan of Cap’n Crunch, I liked the taste of it.

So with the Eggo Cereal you get the goodness of Cap’n Crunch without the shredded upper palate. It’s like with a Girls Gone Wild DVD, you get the flashing goodness that happens during a New Orleans Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street without the need for beads.

Eggo Cereal was also supposed to look like waffles, but on the box they look like Chex cereal and in reality they look nothing like waffles or Chex cereal.

It’s sort of like when I’m drunk and I’m at the video store and I accidently pick up a Guys Gone Wild DVD. The first three letters of the title make it look like a Girls Gone Wild video, but when you get through the first three minutes of it, it looks nothing like a Girls Gone Wild video because there’s more sausage it in than a New York City hot dog stand.

Oooh, a Girls Gone Wild commercial!!!

Item: Eggo Cereal
Purchase Price: $5.79 (13.5-ounces)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice fake maple syrup smell. Tasted like Cap’n Crunch, but didn’t hurt like Cap’n Crunch. Full of vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Cereal didn’t look like waffles and didn’t really taste like waffles. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. Black censored bars in the Girls Gone Wild commercial. Accidently picking up Guys Gone Wild while drunk.

REVIEW: Tab Energy

Marvo 21 Comments

Tab Energy

Once upon a time, there was a pretty pretty pink pop princess named Tab, who preferred to be called the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess. The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess was a diet soda pop pioneer, appearing in 1963.

Over the years, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess had gone through plenty of changes to prolong her popularity. However, despite switching sweeteners from cyclamate to saccharin to aspartame, she could not stave off the slowdown of her sales and soon she began seeing less and less of herself on the shelves.

One Sunday, while staring at VH1, she saw Ashlee Simpson and came to the assessment that if the Simpson sibling could simulate being punk and become stylish, so could she.

The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess went through a punishing process to become punk by pumping herself with a power pack of herbal pieces, which produced quite a punch.

She gobbled ginseng, guarana, taurine, and carnitine, which got into her gut. Despite being stuffed with 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, she slimmed down significantly and was less than what she started with in the sixties.

Her wardrobe was like something Jackie O would wear. Her outer packaging pigment may have been pink, which she put on with pride, but she wanted to present herself in pink both on the outside and inside. So she soared to Los Angeles to see surgeons who could assist her with her situation.

Vegetable juice was what they provided, which gave the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess the inner pink pigment she aspired to possess, and now she was prepared to be popular again.

So she was released into society as Tab Energy to see how citizens would respond to her sharp sassy taste.

Some said she tasted sweet and sour like a Jolly Rancher and some jackass at some quasi-product review blog said she tasted like a vinaigrette salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste.

With considerable amounts of caffeine, B vitamins, and Chinese herbs, Tab Energy could be the consummate low-calorie caffeine kick Kate Moss could consume to keep awake in case cocaine wasn’t close by.

Now the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess personally felt that going punk helped her popularity. However, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess’ popularity probably won’t persist, because pretending to be punk didn’t work for Ashlee Simpson.

Item: Tab Energy
Purchase Price: $1.99 (10.5-ounce can)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Even though it tasted like salad dressing, I kind of liked the taste. 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, more than Vault and Mountain Dew. Sexier than the original Tab, so I’d totally do her, but then again I’d probably do the original Tab as well. Easy to drink since it’s less carbonated. Five calories.
Cons: Tasted like salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste, which many probably won’t like. Pricey for a 10.5-ounce can. Not a very manly energy drink. Ashlee Simpson’s attempts to be punk.

Vault

Marvo 31 Comments

Whenever something comes back from the dead and rises out of its grave, I usually expect flesh-eating zombies or a new Tupac Shakur album.

However, this time around what came back from the dead was a citrus soda called Surge, which now has the witness protection agency-like name of Vault. After Surge was killed off, there was a movement to bring back Surge, and Vault was the result of it.

It’s Coke’s answer to the ever popular, totally xtreme, and Yellow No. 5 containing Mountain Dew. As someone who has done the dew way too many times, I noticed that there are some minor similarities between Vault and Mountain Dew.

1. They both come in the same green that the radioactive rod shown during the opening of the Simpsons comes in.

2. They are both citrusy. Although, Vault does have a better citrus taste, which sort of reminded me of a Sprite.

That’s pretty much it for the similarities.

On the other hand, the differences between the two are pretty significant.

1. I felt Vault was easier to drink than Mountain Dew, because it doesn’t have the same bite as Mountain Dew. However, it’s not as easy to drink as Vault’s clear, caffeine-free, wussy-ass, and 7-Up wannabe cousin, Sprite.

2. Vault has more caffeine than Mountain Dew. A 12-ounce serving of Vault contains 70.5 milligrams of caffeine, while Mountain Dew has 55 milligrams per 12-ounce serving. It may not seem like much, but that difference could mean being able to stay up to watch the ENTIRE unedited Lord of the Rings trilogy or just the edited-for-TV version of the Fellowship of the Ring.

Or for those of you who want a porn reference, a can of Mountain Dew will probably get you through the Whore of the Rings I, while a can of Vault will maybe get you through Whore of the Rings I, II, III, and maybe IV and V.

So which one do I prefer? It’s hard to choose one because I really like them both. It’s sort of like choosing cute kittens at kittenwar dot com.

However, due to the bite of Mountain Dew, I would probably drink one if I needed a slap-to-the-balls-type of wake up. However, if I wanted something easier to drink and with more caffeine, I would do the Vault.

Although, I probably could get the same slap-to-the-balls feeling with the Vault, if I slapped my balls with a Vault bottle.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Alena, Rob, and Damien for suggesting Surge…Er, I mean Vault to review.)

Item: Vault
Purchase Price: 89 cents (20-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Easier to drink than Mountain Dew. Good citrus taste. 70.5 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in every 12-ounce serving. New Tupac albums after his death. Kittenwar.com
Cons: Its green color reminds me of the radioactive rod shown during the Simpsons intro. A slap to the balls. Flesh-eating zombies.