Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter

Marvo 47 Comments

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is mostly for the dudes out there, but it might have some helpful tidbits for you ladies as well.)

Holy crap! It’s Valentine’s Day and you did absolutely nothing for your woman! All the roses are sold out. Too late to make dinner reservations ANYWHERE! The candy stores are closed. Well don’t fret, homie! The Impulsive Buy has got your back, dawg!

First off, tell your honey to come over to your place at a certain time. Then go buy a couple of bags of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter, about $250 worth of small vanilla-scented candles, some fresh strawberries and grapes, a few mylar heart-shaped balloons, some nice parchment, a calligraphy set, a tiger print loincloth, and the latest issue of GQ magazine.

Some optional things include, condoms, satin sheets, edible water-based lubricant, fuzzy handcuffs, the key to open the handcuffs, a feather, massage oils, Barry White and Marvin Gaye CDs, a paint brush, and the game Twister.

When you have everything, the first thing you should do is make a trail of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter from the front door to the bedroom.

If you live in a dorm room, you’re not going to need many Hershey’s Kisses to lead a woman to your bedroom. If you live in the Playboy Mansion, on the other hand, you also won’t need as many Hershey’s Kisses, because there is a 99 percent chance that a woman is already in your bedroom.

Now when she opens the door, make sure she sees the trail of Hershey’s Kisses. Use a lit candle, a flower, a balloon, or a picture of Brad Pitt to grab her attention toward the trail of chocolatey goodness. Also, leave a note that’s written on nice parchment in calligraphy that says, “The number of Hershey’s Kisses you pick up, will be the number of kisses I’ll give you tonight.”

You don’t have to mean it, but it sounds super romantic.

Since the trail leads to your bedroom, you have to make your room romantic. Since chicks dig candles, place the small vanilla-scented candles all over the room. Unless she’s a pyromaniac, then I’d consider not having any candles, matches, or lighters in your place. I’d also consider unplugging your stove and oven.

The most important thing about the candles is to not light them all. Maybe light about 25 percent of them, because you don’t want a lot of light, you want a little illumination, because it looks more romantic and you’ll have a lot of unused candles, which you can return to the store the next day.

In your bedroom, you should also have a bowl of fresh strawberries and grapes. When she’s in your bedroom, lying next to you, feed her the fruits. You want to make her feel like Cleopatra in one of those Egyptian wall drawings or in one of the many Technicolor films about her life.

Before she arrives, make sure you have your tiger-print loincloth on. It has to be a tiger-print loincloth because what you want to convey to her is that you are an animal. A Spongebob Squarepants loincloth will not work because it will convey that you are an eight-year-old who hasn’t had an erection yet.

The GQ magazine has a double role here. Scan through the magazine and look at all the poses the male models are in and pick one that you like. When your woman enters the room, the pose that you are in should be the pose that you pick.

The other role the GQ magazine plays in this romantic scene is it’s something you can read while you wait for your woman to arrive.

Now when she enters the bedroom, tell her to come closer, and use one of these lines.

1. “These Hershey’s Kisses maybe sweet, but you’re sweeter.”
2. “These Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter may have the winning combination of chocolate and peanut butter, but you and I make an even more winning combination.”
3. “If you think you’ve got a lot of “Kisses” now, come next to me and I’ll give you even more.
4. “I’ve got Hershey’s Kisses all over my body. Why don’t you come here and find them?”

After all of that, she should want to make sweet, sweet lovin’ with you, unless she either thinks you look really silly in that loincloth or she found out about the sexual transmitted diseases you have.

Finally, here’s a little warning for you: DO NOT EAT ANY OF THE HERSHEY’S KISSES WITH PEANUT BUTTER!

Why?

Because you don’t want peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’.

Also, because the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter are frickin’ addictive. If you eat just one, your romantic trail of chocolaty goodness to your bedroom will disappear. They’re not as good as Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, but they’re pretty darn close.

So if you follow these steps, you will dodge the last minute Valentine’s Day bullet, get a little sweet, sweet lovin’, and get to pretend you’re Tarzan with your tiger-print loincloth.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Sasha_Kitty who told me about the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter a few months ago. I would’ve reviewed them sooner, but I didn’t find them until the other week. I will blame this on the fact that I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.)

Item: Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. The combination of chocolate AND peanut butter. Addictive. Sweet, sweet lovin’.
Cons: Peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’. Being laughed at while wearing a tiger-print loincloth. My lonely Valentine’s Day.

Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte

Marvo 28 Comments

Sleepy, Marvo? A grande espresso will perk you right up. You don’t want to be sleepy at work. You’ll be less efficient, which may cause you to get fired, and you’ll end up selling crack to little kids, selling your body to old female Japanese tourists, or working at Wal-Mart with little benefits.

I’m not a coffee drinker, but ever since I picked up the Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte, Starbucks seems to be trying to lure me into one of their stores through telepathy. With 34 Starbucks locations within a ten mile radius of my apartment, their presence is very powerful.

Before trying the Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte, I’ve never had a regular cup of coffee, a latte, an espresso, a Frappuccino, a cappuccino, a macchiato, or whatever other coffee drinks that end with the letter “o.”

You want coffee! A delicious latte in a grande or tall size! You know you want it. Everyone else is doing it, so why aren’t you? All the cool kids are doing it. Don’t you want to be cool?

My guess is that when I picked it up, red flags and sirens went off at Starbucks headquarters in Seattle, although I think they went off not only because I picked up a non-Starbucks product, but also because I’m one type of a typical Starbucks customer.

I’m a young male professional, who dresses in a little too much Gap and Banana Republic. I’m also a go getter, with dreams of making it big in the real world, ending up with a two car garage house, a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, maybe a dog, and a wife who is not only successful in her own right, but also has a naughty side.

We’ve got hot barista girls ready to serve you whatever your heart desires. Some of them have tattoos on their lower back and piercings in places you can’t see, and we know how much you love women like that. If you come to Starbucks, they’ll smile at you, not because they’re told to by management, but because they WANT your hot body.

See, Starbucks wants me pretty bad.

But like I said earlier, I’m not a coffee drinker. I think I feel this way because of all those years of smelling the coffee-stamped breaths of my elementary school teachers, who needed caffeine to help them be alert just in case I decided to either run with scissors, fingerpaint my face, or eat the paste.

Even after drinking the Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte, I don’t know if I’ll become a coffee drinker, because I wasn’t too impressed with it. It wasn’t bad, but for something that calls itself “rich,” it had a watery taste.

Probably the best thing about this product, was its self-heating can. According to the label, a chemical process heats up the inside of the can and the watery, rich mocha latte to over 140 degrees Fahrenheit (or 60 degrees Celsius for you Celsius fanatics).

With this chemical process, I ended up with was a latte that was not too hot, like Papa Bear’s porridge; not too cold, like Mama Bear’s porridge; but just right, like Baby Bear’s porridge. The self-heating can is definitely convenient for those on the go, those who don’t have time to wait in line at a Starbucks, or those who have to prevent little kids from running with scissors or eating the paste.

However, its taste will probably have people heading back to Starbucks and have Wolfgang Puck’s Iron Chef status taken away from him. As for myself, I’m still not a coffee drinker, so I hope that Starbucks will stop telepathically trying to convince me to be a customer.

You should hang out at Starbucks, because there are lots of chicks at Starbucks. Lots of smart, beautiful chicks who love guys who drink Starbucks coffee. All the cool young professionals hang out at Starbucks. Your iPod doesn’t make you cool, but Starbucks will.

I guess not.

Item: Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte
Purchase Price: $2.99 (10-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Self-heating can, which produced a not too hot, not too cold, but just right temperature. 100 calories. Hot barista girls at Starbucks.
Cons: Watery taste. Not very rich. Starbucks trying to telepathically lure me into one of their stores. Long lines at Starbucks.

Hershey’s Kissables

Marvo 42 Comments

As some of you may know from being long time readers of The Impulsive Buy, I am an awesome kisser.

But this wasn’t always the case.

I remember the first girl I ever kissed. It happened during my senior year in high school and I was seeing a girl who was a junior at a different high school than me. Her name was…

Oh, maybe it would be safe to NOT put her name here. She might deny it if she ever found out I wrote about it.

Anyway, we were lying face to face on the carpet of her family’s living room, just talking about typical high school things. Then she stopped talking and looked deeply into my eyes. I noticed her look, stopped talking, and then looked deeply into her eyes. She drew her face closer to mine and closed her eyes. My male carnal instincts knew that she wanted to kiss me, so I closed my eyes and drew my lips towards hers. As our lips touched…

What the hell!?! I sound like a trashy romance novel. Blech!

Anyway, we made out for ten minutes. She knew what she was doing, but I didn’t. So when we pulled our lips apart, I looked at her and she looked at me, then I looked at her mouth. You know the term “swapping spit”? Well we did that, but I took it a little too literally.

I either had really overactive saliva glands, thought her mouth was a spittoon, or I was a Pavlonian dog, because there was saliva running down her chin and a shimmering ring of saliva around AND above her lips.

Sadly, that extremely wet, sloppy kiss probably led to her decision to break up with me a week later.

However, after years of training with pillows, my fists, CPR dummies, numerous photos of either Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, or Lisa Loeb with their lips cut out, and bowls of Jello, I have become an expert kisser. A makeoutologist, if you will.

I now know when to kiss, how much pressure to use, when to use the tongue, when to gently bite her lower lip, when to kiss her on the chin, when to kiss her on the eyelids, when to stick my tongue in her ear, when to suck on her nose, and when to lick her eyebrows.

Don’t believe me? Just watch this video of me making out.

Despite dozens of photos with lips cut out and all my other efforts, I am apparently still not as kissable as the new Hershey’s Kissables, which are candy coated mini chocolate Hershey’s Kisses.

What do they have that I don’t have?

Multi-colored candy coatings?

Yeah, that’s great if I wanted to be in a Benetton ad, but I don’t.

Shaped like Hershey’s Kisses?

I hate to say this, but Hershey’s Kisses have always looked like steaming coils of dog poop.

Tasty chocolatey goodness?

If I had some chocolate pudding and rubbed it all over me, I could be tasty chocolatey goodness too.

Seriously, there’s nothing really special about Hershey’s Kissables, because they taste like M&M’s. However, tasting like M&M’s is a good thing, because I love them M&M’s.

If you hate M&M’s then you probably won’t like these, and you probably hate puppies and kitten too.

(Editor’s Note: Check out Cybele’s Candy Blog for another review. Go read TG’s take on Hershey’s Kissables. Finally, The Message Whore also reviewed them, but I can’t find the review due to his server crashing, but go show LordJezo some love.)

Item: Hershey’s Kissables
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty chocolatey goodness. Tastes like M&M’s. Colorful like a Benetton ad. I’m a makeoutologist.
Cons: My first kiss. Hershey’s Kisses look like coils of dog poop. I might have overactive saliva glands. My ability to write love scenes for trashy romance novels.

Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders

Marvo 45 Comments

I guess being fake is the new black.

Just ask James Frey and the Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders.

How could you do this to me, Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders?

God, I feel so cheated, bamboozled, conned, deceived, defrauded, duped, finagled, hoodwinked, mislead, screwed, suckered, swindled, victimized, and any other word in the thesaurus that also means to be cheated.

I trusted that you would give me delicious chicken tender goodness in exchange for my three dollars and fifty cents. How was I supposed to know that you were veggie tenders and didn’t contain any “chik’n” at all?

I know it says “veggie tenders” on your box, but I thought the amount of veggies in you were the same amounts of shredded carrots and celery the cafeteria workers at my old grade school would sneak into the meat lasagna to meet USDA school lunch standards.

Also, on top of the lie about you not having any chicken, I later learned that you contained milk and egg ingredients, which really doesn’t make you 100% vegetarian, like your box says. So to vegans, you’re not really 100% vegetarian, you’re just inedible and a liar.

How are my vegan homies supposed to keep it real?

I really feel duped. I feel duped. But more importantly I feel that you betrayed millions of eaters.

The pleasing scent of honey mustard that filled my kitchen might’ve made up for all the lies, but your honey mustard taste was weak. I wish your honey mustard flavor came in the form of a dipping sauce.

After eating a couple of “chik’n” tenders, I decided to eat the rest using a more honest condiment, ketchup, which is made from REAL tomato concentrate.

But that’s not the end of the lies. Here’s another one. You look so crispy on the box, but sticking you in my toaster oven for over twenty minutes at 375 degrees wasn’t even enough to make you crispy.

Also, why do you come with seven “chik’n” tenders? That’s an odd number. Are you going to lie to me and say the 8th piece was actually a chicken tender and because it was a chicken tender, it ran away.

At least you’re slightly healthy, with 7 grams of fat, 13 grams of protein, 4 grams of fiber and 480 mg of sodium in only two pieces. Unless you’re lying about that too.

Despite being a liar, you are a healthier substitute for real chicken nuggets, especially McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets. However, just like McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets, I don’t know what’s in you, and I really don’t want to know.

Besides, even if you did tell me, it would probably be just a lie.

Item: Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Healthier than other chicken nuggets. Nice honey mustard smell. High in protein and dietary fiber. Ketchup.
Cons: A big fat liar. Weak honey mustard taste. High sodium. Wasn’t crispy. Contains milk and egg ingredients, which my strict vegetarians homies may not like.

REVIEW: Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka

Marvo 30 Comments

Sure, drinking alone is one of the signs of alcoholism, but drinking alone while playing a drinking game that involves watching an episode of Knight Rider is just good ol’ fashioned fun.

(Editor’s Note: For those of you too young to know what Knight Rider is, go read about it here or go purchase a few episodes here. For those of you too lazy to do either, Knight Rider was what started David Hasselhoff’s rise to German superstardom, solidified a place for him in VH1’s I Love the 80s, and it was “A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law.”)

To play the Knight Rider drinking game, I needed two things, an episode of Knight Rider and alcohol. Fortunately, the iTunes Music Store sells episodes from the first season of Knight Rider and I had a bottle of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka.

Now the vodka would’ve gone great with some chocolate or coffee liqueur, but I didn’t have any. Heck, I didn’t even have any Yoo-Hoo or Nesquik chocolate powder. Instead, by popular demand, I decided to mix the vodka with most of the beverages from the last product election.

The rules I made up for the Knight Rider drinking game were simple.

Every time K.I.T.T.’s front red scanner light is shown, I would have to take a straight shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka. Unfortunately, it had a very slight vanilla scent and tasted like cough syrup. However, it was pretty smooth compared with other vodka I’ve had.

Every time K.I.T.T.’s license plate, which says “KNIGHT,” is shown, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Island Fruit 7-Up Plus, which I decided to name F-Up Plus.

The Island Fruit 7-Up Plus didn’t add any fruity flavor to the vodka, because the vodka’s flavor easily overpowered the weak 7-Up Plus, much like how any woman could make me whipped.

Every time K.I.T.T. uses turbo boost, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Mountain Dew MDX, which I called Vodka Dew, or V.D. for short. The citrus flavor was noticeable in this concoction and was probably the best tasting of them all.

Finally, if any part of David Hasselhoff’s hairy chest is shown, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Odwalla Superfood, which I named Hoff’s Hairy Chest, because if you look at the picture on the left, mixing the two creates a fuzzy concoction, much like Hasselhoff’s chest.

Shooting it felt like a fuzzy Hasselhoff hairball going down my throat, except probably a little sweeter, but still disgusting.

Unfortunately, the game ended really quick because each one of these things happened in the first 10 minutes of the show. Plus, in the first ten minutes of the episode I purchased, Hasselhoff’s hairy chest was shown ten times.

Because of that, I definitely needed to stop, because dying from Hasselhoff’s hairy chest was not the way I would want to go out.

(Editor’s Note: I know. I know. This review was supposed to be done weeks ago, but I’ve learned that it is hard to write while intoxicated, even when trying to channel Ernest Hemmingway’s spirit. To make up for it, go wax David Hasselhoff’s chest here.)

Item: Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka
Purchase Price: $19.99 (750 ml)
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Smooth. Would probably go well with chocolate or coffee liqueur, which I didn’t have. The convenience of purchasing Knight Rider episodes from the iTunes Music Store.
Cons: Tastes like cough syrup. Disappointing for a Grey Goose vodka. The fuzziness of mixing it with Odwalla Superfood. The episode of Knight Rider I chose showed David Hasselhoff’s hairy chest WAAAY too many times. Dying from Hasselhoff’s hairy chest.