Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea

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Just like closing your eyes to get beyond the extremely crooked teeth, unevenly drawn in eyebrows, and mysterious boils on the skin of the troll you’re getting it on with, closing your eyes while sucking on the new Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea smoothie will help you experience it beyond its color, which as you can see from the picture is possibly the same color as a cat’s diarrhea after drinking lots of egg nog.

Once you go beyond its color, you will find out that the Tahiti Green Tea smoothie is quite delicious and possibly one of the tastiest ways to get green tea antioxidants, which is one of the most popular health supplements out there.

It’s wayyyy more healthier than the ThighMaster and wayyyy more popular than Jazzercize.

The Tahiti Green Tea smoothie’s combination of green tea powder, mango, lemonade, orange juice, orange sherbet, nonfat frozen yogurt, ice, and extremely loud Jamba Juice blenders creates a concoction that I’ll be buying a lot of since I’m tired of my usual means of green tea consumption, which involves dipping a tea bag into a mug of hot water for two to four minutes and giggling to myself as thoughts of teabagging circle my immature head.

I really do like green tea, although it isn’t my favorite tea name to say — which is oolong tea. I drink it for its health benefits, caffeine content, and it allows me to do something Asian other than using chopsticks, eating sushi, watching anime, driving a Toyota, and taking something the United States invented and making it better.

Mango is the dominant flavor in the Tahiti Green Tea smoothie and the texture of it is slightly mango-ish. The green tea flavor is very light and there is a slight sourness from the lemonade.

An original size also contains 360 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 85 grams of carbs, 3 grams of fiber, 77 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 140 percent of your daily recommended allowance of Vitamin A, 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C, 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of awesometasticness because you’re drinking a Jamba Juice, and 30 milligrams of caffeine.

Oooh! Oooh! 30 milligrams of caffeine! Sense my sarcasm!

That’s less caffeine than a can of Coke. It’s a nice amount if you’re trying to wean yourself off of the stimulant and it might be enough to kill an ant, but it’s not enough to get me through two pages of the Old English poem Beowulf or two minutes of anything with Ryan Seacrest in it.

But I like the Tahiti Green Tea smoothie so much that I’ll drink it for the antioxidants and great taste and then follow it up with a Red Bull chaser for the caffeine.

Item: Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea
Price: $4.72 (Original size)
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Green tea antioxidants. Very tasty. Mango-ey. Low fat. Saying oolong. Contains 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of awesometasticness.
Cons: Doesn’t look green. Looks like a cat’s diarrhea after drinking too much egg nog. Entire review consisted of only 15 sentences. Only 30 milligrams of caffeine. Just like having sex with trolls, drinking one is much better with your eyes closed. My inability to relay sarcasm with words without blatantly pointing it out. Reading Beowulf.

REVIEW: Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table

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I didn’t participate in any drinking games in college because I spent most of my time using myself as a guinea pig for serious sociology research on intense subjects, like finding out what effects playing Sony Playstation six hours a day has on a college student’s grades, seeing if a student can get a passing mark by not going to class throughout the semester and only taking the midterms and final, experiencing what its like to be on academic probation, and perhaps my favorite research topic, losing one’s virginity, which I’m still doing the research on because I have yet to pass first base due to my inability to take off a woman’s bra.

I hear there are many drinking games out there and I imagine they all have the same goal — to get everyone fucked up. Late last year, the Impulsive Buy was sent a portable beer pong table from a company called Pong A Long. At the time, I had no idea what beer pong was, but thanks to Wikipedia and one of my co-workers, who played it a lot at Penn State, I soon had a better understanding of the game.

The setup for beer pong is simple. Get a long table or take a door off of its hinges and place on top of two work horses, then set up ten tall 16-ounce red plastic cups on each end of the table like they were bowling pins, then fill each cup with the cheapest beer you can get your hands on, and then get some ping pong balls, preferrably ones that weren’t from a stripper who shot them out of her vagina.

The rules for beer pong are just as simple. There’s a team on each end of the table and the objective of each team is to make their opponent drink all ten cups of beer in front of them by throwing ping pong balls into the cups. The winner is the team that makes their opponent drink all ten cups first.

Since beer pong isn’t a game I can play by myself, like Monopoly, Jenga, and Solitaire, I needed an opponent. So I decided to play against fellow English degree holder and new Impulsive Buy writer, Stef.

Unfortunately, the both of us are not beer drinkers, but since we both enjoy vodka, we decided to go with Stoli Blueberi vodka and seltzer on the rocks. Now we could’ve shown you pictures of our beer pong game, but we didn’t think it would give you an accurate play-by-play. So using our English degrees, we decided to use the medium of words and express our competitiveness in the form of a rap battle. Enjoy.

Marvo:
The game is beer pong. The winner will definitely be me.
The poison don’t matter, beer or what were using, Stoli Blueberi.
I may have a lower alcohol tolerance, but that’s all right.
This game will be done quick, like a 1980s Mike Tyson fight.
Pong A Long table is out and the twenty red plastic cups are set.
So are you ready to have your ass handed to you, Stef?

Stef:
Whatever, buddy.  That’s all I’ve got to say,
You really think you can take this all the way?
Like Bon Jovi says, you’re “Livin’ on a Prayer,”
You’d be better off playing with some Care Bears.
Get ready to get drunk, loser, you’re through;
My balls are gonna be straighter than Tom Cruise.

Marvo:
Oh, “straighter than Tom Cruise?” I guess I have more hope.
Because his sexual orientation has been the butt of so many jokes.
It’s been five rounds and you haven’t got the ball in a cup.
Like Michelle Wie playing in a men’s event, you won’t make the cut.
With my pinpoint accuracy and rifle arm, there’s no way I can lose.
Need help? I’ve got a rocket scientist to calculate a trajectory you can use.

Stef:
Watching you cross your eyes while you aim is the sexiest thing.
Is your constipated throw and frustrated sigh all you’re gonna bring?
You can’t even hit the table, your accuracy’s a lie.
You throw like a girl, you’ve got nothing between your thighs.
Hurry up and throw it, there’s no need to think.
Hurry up and put it in, I need one of those drinks.

Marvo:
I’m keeping you sober, so I can give you a head start and me a handicap.
You may have made me drink six cups, but get ready for the comeback.
It’s going to be so much sweeter when I come from behind for the win.
It’s going to “Take My Breath Away” like that Top Gun song from Berlin.
I’m a lightweight, but the alcohol isn’t preventing me from making a shot.
Just like one-hit wonder, Buster Poindexter watch me get “Hot Hot Hot.”

Stef:
I’m not calling it a comeback like LL Cool J,
You can’t even hit the table, do you need to stop and pray?
I’m thirsty, want me to throw for you?
You’re certainly not getting anywhere anytime soon.
How’s about this?  I’ll let you keep going until you get one in,
I’m feeling sorry for you, since there’s no way you can win.
Like Pat says, you better “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,”
You’re drunk, you can’t aim, you’re everything I’m not.

Marvo:
The Pong-A-Long table is too long, it’s messing with my depth perception.
Can’t get a ball in, even if I’m aiming straight like a Bob Dole Viagra erection.
Never mind, got a ball in a cup, better drink up, it’ll help you drown the loss.
I’m feeling lucky, like any guy who went out with Mona from Who’s The Boss.
I’m on a roll, I’m knocking down cups fast and now we’re both down to two.
In no time, I’ll make you look like a fool, like a crazy, drunken Paula Abdul.
Hey do you want to listen to a bit of my beer pong champion speech?
“Thanks to those who supported me and the loser for wanting to compete.”

Stef:
I’d like to thank YOU for finally making one.
Geez, I needed a drink like Homey needs fun.
Don’t blame the table for your shortcomings, friend.
It’s your sad little incompetence that’s becoming a trend.
Let’s not forget that I had to give you free throws,
Otherwise we’d both be here until Vern Troyer grows.
So stop with the excuses and throw the damn ball,
I’m ready with my talent, are you ready to fall?

Marvo:
Not if I get you first, even if I’m redder than an ass after a S&M paddle party.
Down to one cup, but I’ll solve this dilemma like sleuths Frank and Joe Hardy.
I’ve got an idea that will help me become the beer pong king.
Jinx! Jinx! Booga booga! Swing batter batter swing!
Like my new tactic? I’d like to now see you get that ball in this red cup.
Jinx! Jinx! Booga booga! Swing batter batter swing! …Oh, fuck!

Stef:
Hell to the yeah, Marvo, you’re totally through.
It’s over like the Super Bowl; feel like the Bears, do you?
Admit you’re a scrub, wear your loser’s crown.
Go retreat to the corner and sit your tragic ass down.
Drink up that final cup, it’s the end of your story,
Like Jon Bon Jovi, you’ve been shot down in a blaze of glory.

Dammit! I suck!

Overall, the Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table is pretty convenient for those who play often, although it is a little pricey for those college students who mostly eat ramen. It folds in half, has a handle and is somewhat lightweight (a little more than 20 pounds), making it portable, but even with it folded in half, it’s still too big to fit into the trunk of my Toyota Corolla, which can comfortably hold three to four dead or alive bodies.

Besides being somewhat portable, it’s well constructed and it only takes seconds to set up…unless you’re already drunk, then it obviously takes longer. How much longer? If you’re a dude, here’s a little equation to help you figure it out:

Your answer will end up being in minutes. So lets say you’re 160 pounds minus the 60 ounces of Bud you just drank multiplied by the three minutes it took you to figure out the hot blond chick across the room has a goatee, then divide that by 60 seconds and it will take you five minutes to set up the Pong A Long table — if you didn’t pass out.

Oh yeah, if you’re drunk, you might want to lay on top of the Pong A Long table because its cool surface will feel good on your skin, much like the tile bathroom floor you’re probably used to.

Item: Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table
Price: FREE (Retails for $64.99)
Purchased at: Given free by Pong A Long
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Portable. Easy to set up, unless you’re drunk. Well constructed. Better than taking a door off of its hinges and then putting it back. Its cool top will feel good on skin when drunk. Can double as a dining table. Beer pong is good fun. Vodka.
Cons: Getting my ass handed to me and feeling a little emasculated. Kinda pricey for most college students. The length of it seems a little too long. Getting a ping pong ball into a red cup is hard. Folding it in half doesn’t make it small enough to fit into the trunk of some cars. I throw like a girl. Not knowing how to remove a woman’s bra.

REVIEW: Rumba Energy Juice

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If there is one thing you should know about me it’s that I’m all about obsessive-compulsive cleanliness, so I was totally stoked about finally getting a Rumba vacuuming robot.

It’s been the number one thing on my wishlist for the past couple of years, ahead of my desire for a new Steven Seagal movie that doesn’t go straight to DVD and more episodes of the supersonic helicopter television series Airwolf.

There were many things that surprised me about the Rumba. The first was its cost. I thought these household wonders were about $199 and not the $1.99 I paid at the convenience store down the street. Another surprise was that it didn’t need to be plugged into an outlet for power. It apparently was solar powered, which I figured out thanks to the picture of the sun on its body.

If you don’t own a Rumba, the best part about having one is the fact that they’re semi-autonomous. Just like the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie and placing children in front of a television, you can “set it and forget it.” I didn’t know how to program mine, since it didn’t come with a manual, so I just touched it and hoped for the best, but unfortunately it didn’t do anything.

I didn’t think it was broken, I thought it was just shy, so I decided to leave it alone and set up a camera to take time-lapse pictures of it in action. Here’s what the camera took and as you will see, it definitely took some hot action:

As you saw in the video, the Rumba gave my iPod some sweet, sweet — possibly a little rough — electronic lovin’. But it wasn’t just my iPod that I caught it with. The Rumba “plugged itself into” any device that had a port/hole in it, like my laptop, the subwoofer that came with my computer speakers, a USB hub, my wireless router, the cable modem, my cell phone, and I don’t know how it did it, but it also got it on with the camera that was taking the time-lapse photos of it.

I guess robots need love too.

I knew I had to stop the Rumba from humping my gadgets to prevent it from breaking them, so I decided to open up the Rumba to see what was wrong with it, despite the fact that it might void my warranty. In doing so, I discovered something surprising.

It turns out that the Rumba I got was not a gadget-humping vacuuming robot, instead it was a gadget-humping can of energy juice.

On the outside, the Rumba Energy Juice looks like any other energy drink out there, but inside the can is one of the best energy drinks I’ve ever had — and also probably the horniest energy drink ever.

It’s non-carbonated which means it’s REALLY easy to drink, like malt liquor is for a homeless alcoholic. What also makes it easy to drink is the fact that it tastes and looks just like orange juice, but not only does it contain orange juice, it’s also got apple, pear, peach, tangerine, pineapple, and white grape juice concentrates.

Despite the fact that it tastes like OJ, drinking it after brushing my teeth didn’t cause it to taste funky like regular OJ does.

If you look closely as the picture above, you’ll see a bunch of tiny white particles floating around in it, which I’m going to assume is some of the energy goodness found in the Rumba Energy Juice. It contains all the usual energy ingredients, like B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, caffeine, guarana, L-carnitine, and inositol, all of which did a good job of giving me a boost of energy.

No wonder the Rumba Energy Juice had a lot of energy to pound every electronic device I own.

Item: Rumba Energy Juice
Price: $1.99 (15.5-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: One of the best energy drinks I’ve had. Looks and tastes like orange juice. 100% juice. Easy to drink. Non-carbonated. Gave me a good energy pick up. Lots of vitamins and minerals. Airwolf.
Cons: Not a Roomba Vacuuming Robot. White particles floating around in it. Likes to hump gadgets.

McDonald’s Honey Mustard Snack Wrap

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I wonder what’s a worse fate for a chicken: To be a grilled or crispy piece of chicken in the new McDonald’s Honey Mustard Snack Wrap.

Sure, there are even worse fates for chickens, like bird flu, being used in some screwed up way in a Jackass stunt, Chicken McNuggets, dancing naked in the Peter Gabriel “Sledgehammer” music video, or being eaten by Nicole Richie, then being regurgitated by Nicole Richie.

Unlike the original Ranch Snack Wrap, which only comes with crispy chicken, the honey mustard one come with either crispy chicken or grilled chicken, which is probably healthier than the crispy version, unless McDonald’s has found a way to grill things by sticking them in hot oil.

Along with your choice of chicken, the Honey Mustard Snack Wrap also comes with shredded cheddar jack cheese, lettuce, a sweet and tangy honey mustard sauce wrapped in a flour tortilla, and for some, it also comes with the guilt of knowing that you’re eating another McDonald’s product despite your promise to swear off of it after watching the documentary Super Size Me.

After trying both the crispy and grilled Honey Mustard Snack Wrap, it’s hard to determine which one I like better. It’s like trying to choose which Olsen twin I like best, because just like Mary-Kate and Ashley, both versions of the Honey Mustard Snack Wrap look alike, are kinda pale on the outside, and don’t have much meat in them.

The crispy version has 320 calories, 15 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 750 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 14 grams of protein.

The grilled version has 260 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 800 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 18 grams of protein.

Both versions are about six or seven inches long, which is either small, big, or just right, depending on how big your hands or cock is. For me, the size of the Honey Mustard Snack Wrap was wayyyyyyyy too small and I wished that it was a more reasonable nine to ten inches. But then again what do you expect for some thing that costs just $1.29?

So in the end, which Honey Mustard Snack Wrap do I prefer and which is the worst fate for a piece of chicken, crispy or grilled?

Well, the crispy version tastes better, but the grilled one is healthier. However, the honey mustard sauce had kind of a weird sweet deli mustard spicy taste to it, so it turns out that the worst fate for a piece of chicken would be to end up in a Honey Mustard Snack Wrap and I prefer neither the crispy nor grilled versions of it and I’d rather go buy the much better original Ranch Snack Wrap instead.

I’ll leave the Honey Mustard Snack Wraps for Nicole Richie to regurgitate.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Danton for letting me know about the McDonald’s Honey Mustard Snack Wrap.)

Item: McDonald’s Honey Mustard Snack Wrap
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Now able to choose between grilled and crispy chicken. Decent price. Grilled is healthier. Crispy is better tasting.
Cons: Honey mustard sauce is kind of weird tasting. Kind small for my big…um, hands. Breaking your promise to not eat fast food. Being in a Jackass stunt. Being regurgitated by Nicole Richie.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme

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If peanuts were the measurement of being xtreme, elephants would be doing Mountain Dew commercials and Mr. Peanut wouldn’t be wearing a top hat and holding a cane, instead he would be wearing a helmet, riding a skateboard, and constantly cracking his nuts (or himself) while trying to do railslides down a set of stairs.

The Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme has an xtreme amount of peanuts. As you can see in the picture below, it’s frickin’ full of peanuts. It’s perfect for someone who loves peanuts so much that if it were legal, they would marry them, despite the fact it would be REALLY difficult to consummate the marriage.

To figure out how much more xtreme Snickers Xtreme was than regular Snickers, I decided to dissect each candy bar like it was a frog in a biology class, a cadaver in an anatomy class, or a female contestant on The Bachelor.

However, before I started cutting open each candy bar, I thought just dissecting them wouldn’t be xtreme enough. After all, I was dealing with a Snickers Xtreme. So I decided to try and do an xtreme dissection that involved me blindfolded. underwater without oxygen, surrounded by sharks, and using a live swordfish as my cutting instrument. Unfortunately, the bill of a swordfish doesn’t cut very well, but does stab very well, and I can only hold my breath underwater for ten seconds, so I had to settle for a regular dissection.

As you can see in the picture above the inside of a Snickers Xtreme is nothing but an xtreme amount of peanuts and caramel. In order to make room for the xtreme amount of peanuts, the Snickers Xtreme no get nougat, which a regular Snickers has.

Get it? Nougat! No get! Hahahaha! Oh, I think I just caused each my former creative writing professors to die a little inside.

Despite the xtreme amount of peanuts, I thought the Snickers Xtreme didn’t have a strong peanut taste due to it being kind of drowned out by the xtreme amount caramel. Regular Snickers has peanut butter nougat, which probably would’ve helped with the peanut flavor, but it would probably be hard to try and stuff some in the Snickers Xtreme, since doing that is much like trying to put a hat on Donald Trump’s head, because his head is the size of a blimp and his toupee uses its strand to keep hats away.

There really isn’t anything else xtreme about the Snickers Xtreme itself. Its nutritional value is almost the same as a regular Snickers. A regular Snickers has 280 calories, 14 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 140 mg of sodium, 35 grams of carbs, 1 grams of fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. A Snickers Xtreme has 290 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 10 mg of cholesterol, 110 mg of sodium, 33 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

However, after eating a Snickers Xtreme my life became a little more xtreme. You would think the probability of my life getting more xtreme because of the Snickers Xtreme is about the same probability of having a good time with someone whose number you found in a public restroom, but for a short time the most mundane parts of my life became xtreme.

For example, eating ice cream. After eating the Snickers Xtreme, I wasn’t chowing down on my favorite dairy product with a spoon, instead I took it to the xtreme by eating it with a ladle. My ironing was even taken to the xtreme. I didn’t just iron on my ironing board, I ironed on top of my ironing board, riding it like a surfboard with me ironing my clothes while wearing them.

Now that’s xtreme!

Item: Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme
Price: 59 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. More peanuts, if you LOVE peanuts and want to be together through sickness and in health.. Kinda crunchy. Temporarily made mundane parts of my life xtreme. Eating ice cream with a ladle. Xtreme ironing.
Cons: More peanuts, if you’re allergic to peanuts. Despite an xtreme amount of peanuts, it didn’t have a strong peanut taste. No get nougat. Not really more xtreme than regular Snickers. Not being able to do an xtreme dissection. Xcessive use of the word “xtreme” in this review. Donald Trump’s toupee.