Category: Reviews

Method Olive Leaf Body Wash

Marvo 44 Comments

If you’re a regular reader of The Impulsive Buy, you may know that I’m a total Method fanboy. A Method product groupie, if you will.

So much so, that just like Motley Crue groupies from the 1980s, I would totally let Method products do lines of coke off of my ass.

What can I say? I love the curves of Method product bottles. The concentrated laundry detergent bottles have a nice hourglass shape. While the hand soap bottles have big, round baby-making hips.

Also, Method products are biodegradable and aren’t tested on animals, and when it comes to protecting nature and the environment, I’m all for it…except when it comes to those damn dirty duck-billed platypuses.

Damn freaks of nature!

They’re like the result of a duck, alligator, and mole threesome.

Method products are a bit more expensive, but sometimes you have to pay more for quality. Like if you want to drive something nice, don’t buy a Hyundai, buy a Mercedes. If you want to drink something nice, don’t buy wine that comes from a box, buy wine that comes from Napa Valley. Also, if you want good cocaine, don’t get it from Bolivia, get it from Colombia.

However, as much as I love Method products, I have to admit that it is hard for me to like this Method Olive Leaf Body Wash. I’ve used it for a week straight and it lathered up nicely and it made me clean, but I can’t get over the fact that it made me smell like black pepper.

I’m surprised I didn’t sneeze from the scent.

Since it’s hard for me to defend the Method Olive Leaf Body Wash, I’m going to have to turn in my Method Fanboy Card, along with my Method Fanboy Decoder Ring.

I guess I could compare the Method Olive Leaf Body Wash with the 2000 Motley Crue album New Tattoo. Both were over-hyped, didn’t reach fan expectations, and were significantly less exciting than Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson’s sex tape.

Despite how crappy that album was, the members of Motley Crue today could still do lines of coke off of the asses of groupies. After all, they are Motley “Fucking” Crue!

Although, I can’t say the same for the Method Olive Leaf Body Wash. I wouldn’t let it do lines of coke off of my ass, but because it’s a Method product, I’d totally let it feel me up.

Item: Method Olive Leaf Body Wash
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Creamy. Lathers nice. Makes me clean. Biodegradable. Not tested on animals. Colombian Gold.
Cons: Made me smell like black pepper. A little pricey. Not good enough to do lines of coke off of my ass. Platypuses. Boxed wine.

REVIEW: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005

Marvo 38 Comments

Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005

When I was growing up, I made a list of things I hoped the future would bring. On top of my list, were flying cars, realistic female “companion” androids, and reversible pants. However, below the flying cars and realistic female “companion” androids, but above the reversible pants, I hoped the future would bring drinkable meals.

Thanks to the Jones Soda Company, the future is here. Actually, the future was here last year, when the Jones Soda Company introduced their Holiday Soda Pack. But last year, I was unable to buy a pack off of their website, after it sold out in a few hours, and I was unwilling to pay $50 for a pack on eBay.

Fortunately, the prices were much cheaper on eBay this year, and I was able to partake in the Jones Soda Holiday Pack.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with these sodas, it doesn’t consist of flavors you would find at a typical soda fountain. No root beer. No cola. No strawberry. No orange. No lemon-lime. Instead, there’s turkey and gravy, corn on the cob, smoked salmon pate, broccoli casserole, and pecan pie.

Mmm…Just like mom used to NOT make.

Drinking the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas family dinner in my mouth with all the fixing, and when I say fixings, I mean the dysfunctional family arguments, the complaining of the dry turkey, and the coming out of a brother or sister.

In other words, there were surprises left and right with each flavor and I hoped I would get through them without crying, injuring myself, or throwing up.

The corn on the cob soda had a very strong buttery taste. Too buttery for me. I got through one-sixth of the bottle and then had to put it down. Although, it is perfect for those who like to put butter on their toast, who like extra butter on their popcorn at the theater, and who have butter coming out of their pores, which causes them to occasionally slip off of the toilet.

The smoked salmon pate soda was the worst tasting soda of the group. It definitely had a smokey taste, and as we all know, where there’s smoke, there’s either a fire or a raging dorm party, and much like after a raging dorm party, the smoked salmon pate soda made me want to hurl chunks. Trying to chug down only two ounces of it was extremely hard. Every sip I took made me feel like Lindsay Lohan in a restroom stall.

The broccoli casserole soda had a surprisingly sweet taste. It tasted like pancake syrup. I’m not kidding. Go into your kitchen, grab a bottle the pancake syrup, chug it down, and after you wake up from your sugar-induced coma, you will know what the broccoli casserole soda tastes like, and you’ll probably want to get your teeth checked for cavities.

The turkey and gravy soda…Um, yeah.

There are various ways to cook a turkey. Someone can stick it in the oven for several hours, cook it rotisserie-style over an open fire, or fry it in gallons of cooking oil. There are also various ways to make gravy, like using packaged gravy powder, mixing turkey fat with corn starch, or collecting the sweat from the contestants on the show The Biggest Loser. However, the turkey and gravy soda didn’t taste like turkey and gravy prepared these ways. Instead, I thought it tasted like candy corn.

Finally, the pecan pie soda was the most normal sounding soda of the group and it also was the only soda that actually tasted like the dish it was supposed to taste like. It was the best tasting out of the five, but that really isn’t saying much.

Besides the taste, another thing that bothered me about the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was the amount of sodium in them. Ranging from 55 mg to 320 mg, these sodas were saltier than Star Jones after being asked if Al Reynolds was gay.

Despite most of the sodas not tasting like items on a holiday dinner table, the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a holiday dinner in one way…There were lots of leftovers, which I poured down the drain.

I guess the future isn’t quite here yet.

Item: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005
Purchase Price: $17.99 (on eBay + $12.99 shipping)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Only one made me want to hurl chunks. Good gag gift. Cheaper prices for the pack on eBay this year. Reversible pants. Realistic female “companion” androids.
Cons: Most of the flavors didn’t taste like what they were supposed to. Caffeine free. Very high in sodium…for frickin’ soda. Lots of leftovers. Smoked Salmon Pate Soda.

REVIEW: Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog

Marvo 35 Comments

Southern Comfort Egg Nog

The carton for this Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog may say that it’s “non-alcoholic,” but I don’t know about that, because I’ve got a total buzz going right now.

Actually, to be honest, I’m kind of wasted.

Why do I think there’s alcohol in it? Because earlier I chugged one down and I threw up, like I did when I chugged down a bottle of actual Southern Comfort a few years back.

Holy crap! Is that Kathy Griffin on TV? She looks TOTALLY hot! If I were into leprechauns, I would totally do her and then steal her pot of gold.

Hey, man! I just wanted to let you know that I love you, man! I love you like were a family member. Not like a mother, father, brother, or sister kind of love. More like a family pet kind of love, where you’ll eventually die or run away, and for a little while I’ll be sad, but a while after that, I’ll just get a new pet to replace you, and then forget about you. But I love you, man!

Hey, what’s a penguin doing in the middle my bedroom? It’s too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole!

You know what? I got a great idea. I’m gonna prank call all my ex-girlfriends and I’m gonna waste all of their cell phone plan minutes. But I hope that they don’t have a cell phone plan with unlimited nights, because that would totally screw me up.

Did I tell you I love you, man?

So I totally thought that this Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog was gonna suck, because I thought vanilla and spice wouldn’t make a good combination. Because in my head, I was thinking, if combining Vanilla Ice and the Spice Girls was bad, just combining the vanilla and the spice would also be bad.

But you know what? This shit is pretty good. I kind of like it better than regular egg nog, because it tastes kind of like pumpkin pie. So if you have a pumpkin pie around, go stick it in a blender for a little while, then pour it into a tall glass and chug it. Then you would have an idea of what the Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog tastes like.

Hey! Hey! Let me tell you something. Incest with humans is not acceptable, but incest with cats is acceptable.

This egg nog is so good I wish it was available all year round, because I’m all out.

Oh wait, never mind. I’m looking at the carton right now and I see two of them. Oh wait, now there’s like three of them. No wait, now there’s four of them.

Now they’re spinning around my head. Two them are singing Ice Ice Baby and the other two are singing Wannabe.

Oh, man. I’m not feeling too good.

Hey, cartons STOP SPINNING AND SINGING!!!

That’s much better. Oh, wait a minute. The cartons say I gotta add the Southern Comfort to the egg nog?

What? No Southern Comfort in the egg nog? Then why am I so wasted?

Damn placebo effect!

Item: Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice Egg Nog
Purchase Price: $4.49
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Really good. Spicy. Vanilla-y. Kind of tastes like pumpkin pie. Cat incest. Combining vanilla and spice.
Cons: Non-alcoholic. Pricey. Human incest. Combining Vanilla Ice and the Spice Girls. Not available all year round.

Heat & Enjoy Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup

Marvo 21 Comments

You’ve really let yourself go, Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup.

It’s like you’re Elvis. You’re going from young, skinny Elvis to older, overweight, too big to fit on his own postage stamp Elvis. Maybe you have to cut back on the peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Seriously, you look like Eric Cartman on Weight Gain 4000. Also, you are not big boned.

Well maybe I should be glad that you’re an icon and idol that didn’t take the drug overdose route, child molester route, the Kabbalah route, or the Clay Aiken route.

It’s hard to look at you now because I remember the way you looked in those Andy Warhol paintings, looking slim and cylindrical. But now, if Andy Warhol was still alive and wanted to paint you again, let me just say that he would need a lot more paint.

Look at the pictures below. On the left, you look like how a Campbell’s Soup Can should look on the Red Carpet at some swanky charity function. But on the right, it’s a whole different story at some MTV Xbox shindig you went to, just so you could get free swag.

Sure, Courtney Love comes either drunk, high, or drunk and high to every event she attends or crashes, but at least she’s consistent.

I’m surprised the National Enquirer didn’t run some bogus story about how your weight gain was due to eating nothing but potato chips and soda for several days straight, while watching a Laguna Beach marathon, after your Italian lover left you for a younger, heartier soup, like Progresso.

I guess since you were condensed soup in that older picture, you should’ve been slim. You now maybe a little more roly-poly, but at least you come in a microwaveable bowl, I don’t need to add water, and it takes only 90 seconds for you to be heated up.

Also, you maybe different on the outside, but inside, you still have the same good tasting Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup that I’ve loved during those times when I was sick, when I was poor, when I was too lazy to cook, or when I decided to steal from the company canned food drive box.

Item: Heat & Enjoy Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup
Purchase Price: $1.75 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes just like the Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup that we’ve all learned to love. Microwaveable bowl. No need to add water. Andy Warhol’s paintings. More cushion for the pushin’. Young, slim Elvis.
Cons: Not as slim, cylindrical, and condensed as the younger can version. A high, drunk, or high and drunk Courtney Love. Not looking good on the Red Carpet. Older, heavy Elvis.

Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink

Marvo 11 Comments

Whoop Ass Energy Drink, eh? You’re more like Whoop-De-Doo or the one-hit wonder, “Whoop! There It Is!”

You maybe the champ now, but when Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view passes, that title belt you have is either going to be around The Reviewer’s waist or around your neck.

Don’t take The Reviewer lightly, Whoop Ass Energy Drink.

The Reviewer ISN’T Gene Shalit! The Reviewer ISN’T Roger Ebert! The Reviewer ISN’T Dustin Rowles!

But The Reviewer IS going to kick your ass at Wrestle Wreckage IV.

The Reviewer doesn’t care if you bring your caffeine, taurine, inositol, ginseng, and guarana. It’s enough to give The Reviewer energy when The Reviewer is reviewing, but it’s not enough to kick The Reviewers ass. Heck, bring your donkey, hippopotamus, elephant, and duckbilled platypus, because it’s still not enough.

There’s no doubt that I will beat you at Wrestle Wreckage IV. The odds of me winning the World Championship belt from you are better than the odds that either Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, or Luke Wilson will be in the next Ben Stiller movie.

You don’t impress me with your 310% thiamin, 310% riboflavin, 100% niacin, and 260% vitamin B6, because the only numbers that really matter are these two 12-inch guns I have right here.

Oh yeah!

With these two 12-inch guns, I’m going to bitch slap the green color right out of you. And speaking of things coming out, your citrus taste is more like a spit-this taste. It tasted bitter and sweet, like I was sucking on a Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pop plastic tube.

Finally, what’s up with the red and white stripes? Are you a candy cane? Are you a barber shop pole? Are you a candystriper? Well you’re going to need candystripers when I’m done with you after Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view.

You may think you have The Reviewer’s spirit down after you attacked The Reviewer the other night with a steel chair and slammed The Reviewer through a table when The Reviewer was wrestling The Wall, but I reviewed your poor attempt at bringing me down, and I have to say that it sucked worse than a Creed CD.

But the next time you step in the ring, you better watch out, because The Reviewer will be watching with a steel chair. Also, here a little nugget for you to remember, steel is stronger than aluminum.

But you know what? When we get to Wrestle Wreckage IV, it doesn’t matter whether it’s steel or aluminum, bitter or sweet, candy cane or candystriper, or donkey or platypus, because when The Reviewer gets you into The Reviewer’s finishing move, The Final Verdict, The Reviewer is going to crush you.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jim for sending me a can of Whoop Ass and for not opening a can of whoop ass on me, because I’m pretty sure he could totally kick my ass, hang me on a hook by my underwear, and have people pay one dollar to throw eggs at me.)

Item: Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Thanks, Jim!)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: My finishing move, The Final Verdict. Lots of energy, but not enough to kick my ass. My two 12-inch guns.
Cons: Bitter taste. “Whoop! There It Is!” Steel chairs.