Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans

Marvo 45 Comments

Bertie Bott's Beans

Who would’ve thought that being made to eat dirt and grass by bullies in grade school would come in handy someday?

Thanks to those bullies, who can still kick my ass, but still can’t write a better book report than me, I can determine the authenticity of some of the jelly bean flavors found in a box of Bertie Bott’s Beans, which regular Impulsive Buy reader, Lucy, suggested I try.

For those who aren’t familiar with Bertie Bott’s Beans, eating a box of them is like playing jelly bean Russian Roulette.

You can be happy eating one of the normal flavors: blueberry, cherry, cinnamon, grape jelly, green apple, lemon drop, toasted marshmallow, buttered popcorn, and tutti-fruitti.

Or you can die eating one of the abnormal flavors: black pepper, booger, earthworm, dirt, ear wax, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, spinach, and vomit.

Fortunately, there’s a flavor guide on the back of each box, but I didn’t bother looking at it because I’m a man who likes to live his life dangerously by doing crazy things, like reading a chapter of Dianetics and calling grade school bullies “pussies.”

As I went through the box of Bertie Bott’s Beans, I tried to figure out each flavor. I got almost all of the normal flavors correct, but I had a lot of problems with the abnormal flavors.

The easiest ones to figure out were black pepper, dirt, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, and spinach. However, booger, earthworm, ear wax, and vomit were hard to figure out, because I’ve never tried boogers, earthworms, and ear wax. As for the vomit jelly beans, I couldn’t recognize it because it didn’t have that distinct vodka flavor that my vomit usually has.

Individually, the abnormal jelly beans are tolerable, but I wondered how tolerable they would be if I mixed them all together.

So I grabbed a black pepper, booger, earthworm, dirt, ear wax, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, spinach, and vomit jelly bean, headed towards the bathroom, and kneeled over the toilet. For two minutes, I prepared myself for the concoction I was about to put into my mouth.

“How bad it could be?” I thought to myself. After all, I’ve recently stuck mint flavored condoms, habanero beef jerky, and potato chips made with Olestra into my mouth, so a few abnormal jelly beans shouldn’t be so bad. Then I took a deep breath and slammed the handful of jelly beans into my mouth.

About one second and one chew later, I violently spit out the jelly beans into the toilet. The spitting was closely followed by several dry heaves. The dry heaves were closely followed by tears in my eyes.

I began to wonder if I would finally find out what vodka-less vomit tastes like. Fortunately, I didn’t find out.

After making sure my dinner wasn’t going to make a reappearance, I ran to the bathroom sink, grabbed my toothbrush, squirted on my toothbrush way more toothpaste than the American Dental Association recommends, and brushed my teeth like I just French kissed a drunken Courtney Love and a pre-TrimSpa Anna Nicole Smith.

I could say that the taste of it was repulsive, but I think that would be an understatement. I think if death has a taste, it would probably taste much like what I experienced.

Item: Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans
Purchase Price: $1.99 (1.6 ounce box)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great gag gift to give. Realistic normal flavors. Blueberry rocks.
Cons: Horrible gag gift to receive. Realistic abnormal flavors. Mixing abnormal flavors. Dry heaving from mixing abnormal flavors.

Jack in the Box Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese

Marvo 40 Comments

Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese

If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that I should never judge a book by its cover, never trust a big butt and a smile, never let a jury in California decide a celebrity murder or child molestation case, and never believe the food from fast food restaurants will look the way they do in their advertisements.

Here at The Impulsive Buy, I like to keep it real. I don’t show you digitally enhance photos of beautifully well-crafted burgers that took hours to create. Instead I show you improperly color balanced photos of sloppily made burgers that took seconds to slap together by either a sixteen or seventy year old.

Now take a look below at the digitally enhanced photo of the new Jack in the Box Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese, with its thick, perfectly shaped patties, two slices of cheese that are perfectly melted, three strips of red, juicy bacon that are the perfect length of the burger, colorful red onions and tomatoes layered perfectly on top of each other, green leaf lettuce with its perfectly placed beads of moisture, and a smothering of smoky cheddar mayo perfectly spread across the inside of the perfectly toasted Ciabatta bread.

Yum-O!

I don’t know about you, but that picture makes me want to pick one up, put on a black bikini, and wash a luxury car while eating it.

Now look at the improperly color balanced photo above of the Jack in the Box Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese. It doesn’t look very appetizing, does it?

The two patties look like they’ve been molded together with the two slices of cheese. It looks like there’s only one slice of bacon. The red onions look like it came from parents who were having some interracial cross-pollination. The tomatoes look like they’re trying to run away from the rest of the burger.

Holy crap! The lettuce is ACTUALLY GREEN! The apocalypse is upon us!

Oh wait. The heat from the patties made the lettuce wilt. Everything is fine, it’s not green anymore.

Anyway, despite looking like a 1980’s Cyndi Lauper hairdo gone bad, the Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese was surprisingly really good. This tastiness was mostly due to the really good smokey cheddar mayo and the bacon.

Now that I think about it, the Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese is sort like Dr. Ruth, on the outside she may not be the prettiest thing to look at, but on the inside, she’s a surprisingly crazy carnal animal that could rock my world.

Item: Ciabatta Bacon ‘n’ Cheese
Purchase Price: $3.99 (Burger only)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Good smokey cheddar mayo. Dr. Ruth lovemaking abilities.
Cons: Green lettuce wilts quickly from the burger’s heat. Looks like a 1980’s Cyndi Lauper hairdo gone bad. A big butt and a smile.

Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms

Marvo 69 Comments

Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms

(Editor’s Note: Some of you have been saying there’s been a lack of sexual references in my reviews recently. So to make up for it, I’ve decided to review the new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, which I received from Impulsive Buy reader Robert, who just so happens to have Trojan as a client at the public relations firm he works at. Thanks Robert, for reminding me that I’m not getting any action. Just kidding. Actually, I’m not kidding. I’m crying right now. Enjoy.)

There are many things that suck about not having a girlfriend, like not being able to have sessions of sweet, sweet lovin’ that involve plastic sheets, strawberries, chocolate syrup, and paint brushes; making dinner for a woman and then hearing her say, “I’m not hungry, but I’m hungry for you”; not being able to showoff my strip tease videos; and not being able to try the latest condoms so I can review them.

However, with these new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms I had a tingling sensation, but not where you might think. I had a tingling sensation in my head, coming up with ways I could test it without actually paying needing a woman.

Being that the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms are made for those who want to be protected when “talking to the mic,” I realized that all I really need to do with this condom was see if it tasted any good. But how was I going to do this?

(Editor’s Note: Yes, you can use the condom for intercourse. Intercourse? That’s too sterile of a term for me. Yes, you can use the condom for the horizontal mambo. Nah, that’s too childish. Yes, you can use the condom for fucking. Perfect!)

I grabbed one of the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, ripped it open, and shoved it into my mouth, like a piece of gum.

It was the second time in my life that I shoved a condom into my mouth and chewed on it. Except this time I couldn’t win a bet for a dollar.

As I chewed it, I could taste and feel a minty gel, which tasted like a dull toothpaste. I don’t know if it was the minty gel or the fact that I was chewing on a latex condom, but I started to gag. I instantly took the condom out from my mouth, looked at its kind of cool minty green color, and then threw it away.

After that, the product reviewer in me didn’t feel fulfilled, because I felt I could do a better job of testing it.

Then I began thinking about those bastards at Consumer Reports and how they probably test condoms. I imagined they have a love lounge, with beds shaped like hearts, Barry White songs playing, bottles of chilled champagne, mirrors on the ceiling, and bowls of Viagra. It’s probably one wild gigantic orgy of lab testers.

The testers probably do it with their lab coats, goggles, and pocket protectors on and clipboards next to the heart-shaped beds, so they can write down whatever comments they have. They probably also video tape the whole thing so they can review the tape later, if they need more information.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t do what I imagined Consumer Reports does, but I knew I had to do something better than just chewing on a condom. Then it finally hit me, while making my strawberry/banana smoothie.

Trojan Mint Tingle Banana

Armed with a Trojan Mint Tingle Condom, a banana, and my heterosexuality, I tried to recreate a real world situation.

I opened another condom and tried to roll it over the banana. Unfortunately, I put it on the wrong way, which didn’t allow me to roll the condom down the banana. Following the condom box’s instructions, I had to throw the condom away or else I would risk the chance of pregnancy.

I opening another condom, checked to see if I had it turned up the right way, and then rolled it over the banana, holding the tip to prevent air from getting trapped. When I was done, I had a well protected banana (see picture).

Then I put the condom covered banana into my mouth and made like a circus seal. (Yay! Obscure Clerks reference!)

At first, I was gagging a little, but soon I was a deep throating pro. As for the minty flavor, it’s not bad once you swallow the mint jelly, which was mostly at the tip. It’s definitely way better tasting than regular latex condoms.

The mint flavor isn’t that strong or plentiful, so don’t try going down on as many guys as you can to freshen your breath. Gum and mints are easier, and it’s less Paris Hilton-ish or Veronica Loughran-ish. (Yay! Another obscure Clerks reference!)

Item: Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms
Purchase Price: FREE (Retails for about $9)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Mint flavor is not bad tasting, definitely better than regular latex condoms. Funky mint green color.
Cons: My ability to put on condoms, I’m surprised I don’t have illegitimate children. Minty gel was kind of gross to swallow. My jealousy of the possible ways Consumer Reports tests condoms.

Coke Zero

Marvo 37 Comments

Coke Zero

Look Coke Zero, I know you’re going through some hard times right now with you being the new kid on the block, but calling yourself Coke Zero is not good for your self-esteem.

I’m worried about you, Coke Zero.

I know you’re trying to be popular, but I don’t know if the loner goth look with that black cap on your head and the red, white, and black label is good for you.

I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but it looks like you’re just a poser that went on a shopping spree at Hot Topic.

You don’t even have the black eyeliner!

How can you be goth without the black eyeliner?

Your older brother C2 tried to be popular and fit in with the low-carb crowd, but where is he now?

Nowhere.

I don’t see him around. Not even in the most vile places, like the hole-in-the-wall convenience stores, ghetto grocery stores, and Wal-Mart. He was a total failure and now he’s probably hanging out with that other total failure, Pepsi Edge. They’re probably figuring out how to make bongs out of each other.

I don’t want you to be a total failure.

Although, I have to admit, you don’t taste very good with your aspartame and acesulfame potassium. Your cousin, Diet Sprite Zero tasted a lot better. But at least you don’t taste like you’re trying to French Kiss the pinkness out of my tongue like your anorexic older sister Diet Coke does.

Look, we all go through phases. Just look at Madonna and all the phases she’s gone through, from the Queen of Pop to whore to actress to whore to crappy actress to mother to British to Kabbalah to Ester.

Heck, I’ve even gone through some phases. During my high school years, I wanted to be a rapper. I walked around with my LA Dodgers cap low, my hands around my crotch, I called people “Dogg,” and I wrote wack rhymes, like:

I got the skills to pay the bills,
when I write with the quills.
I drop ill rhymes that give thrills,
like a roller coaster on the first drop.
My rhymes will make your body rock.
And make all the honeys scream.
They’ll all call me the Asian Dream.


But later I realized that no matter how cool I thought I was, I really wasn’t cool and I never will be, no matter how hard I try.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review for Coke Zero, which you can read here. Again, they beat me to review a cool new product. Someday, I’ll beat them. SOMEDAY!!!)

Item: Coke Zero
Purchase Price: $1.29 (20-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Doesn’t kill taste buds like Diet Coke, No calories. No carbs. No fat. Goth, if you’re into that.
Cons: No black eyeliner. My rhymin’ skills. Madonna’s fake British accent.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme

Marvo 51 Comments

Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme

Oh man, I so badly wanted to chuck the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme.

Not because it didn’t taste good, but because it looked like a discus and I wanted to set the Guinness World Record for longest Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme throw.

I also wanted to start a food fight in the middle of Taco Bell with some guy who was looking at me weird as I was practicing my discus throwing form.

Anyway, the Crunchwrap Supreme was around seven inches in diameter and three-fourths of an inch thick, which is roughly the size of a regulation Olympic women’s discus. Inside its soft flour tortilla was seasoned beef, nacho cheese sauce, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, and a crunchy tostada shell.

Not only are the nacho cheese sauce and sour cream the perfect ammo for messing people’s clothes in a food fight, they also make the Crunchwrap Supreme very tasty and, quite possibly, help me come closer to my goal of having my blood replaced with dairy products.

Perhaps the best thing about the Crunchwrap Supreme is the fact that, despite its size, you can eat it with only one hand and you don’t have to worry about it falling apart like other tacos, unless your hands are small like carny or you’re the notoriously clumsy pirate, Captain Stubsforlimbs.

Of course, being able to eat it with one hand has many advantages.

For example, you can drive and eat it at the same time, flip channels with a remote control and eat at the same time, slip a ten dollar bill under a stripper’s g-string and eat at the same time, and masturbate to a continuous loop of Victoria’s Secret television ads and eat at the same time.

In other words, it’s the perfect food to multitask with.

You don’t need to worry dipping it into something, like those who dated Paris Hilton. Also, you don’t need to worry about things falling out, like Tara Reid does all the time.

Item: Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme
Purchase Price: $2.49
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Nice size. Can eat with one hand. The perfect multitasking food. Makes the perfect food to fling in a food fight.
Cons: Hard to add taco sauce, but it really didn’t need it.