Category: Reviews

Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot

Marvo 16 Comments

I want to thank Arizona Beverage Company for creating such a courteous energy drink.

Usually energy drinks have designs that look like things that probably appear in Kate Moss’ head after doing a few lines of coke, but Arizona Beverage Company had the courtesy to put a big, bold caution label on its Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot, letting everyone know that it may suck big time.

So does it suck?

It sucks hard, but not as hard as you think.

It’s got most of the energy goodness of regular energy drinks, like B vitamins, taurine, ribose, carnitine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, and 100 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, but it didn’t seem to give me the ass-slapping jolt that I’ve gotten with regular energy drinks.

The lack of ass slapping might’ve been from the fact that the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot is lightly carbonated, so it’s easy going down, like water, a flat lemon-lime soda, or the TV show Joey after drinking extreme amounts of alcohol.

Or it could’ve been the cocaine-looking Splenda, which apparently has the power to take out the “extreme” in the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot. Damn you, Splenda! You are the bane of my existence! You are the thread that unravels the seam of my shirt! You are the drunken Tara Reid of my celebrity party!

The Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot has a slightly weak medicine taste, but it’s also got a weak fruit juice taste, thanks to the 3 percent pear, apple, and peach juice it contains. Peach juice? God, they’re making juice out of everything. Damn you, Jack LaLanne and your Power Juicer!

Another thing that was weak about the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot was the size of the 8.3-ounce can. This small can was a surprising departure from the usual 23.5-ounce cans that Arizona Beverage Company uses for most of their products, which sell for 99 cents. But again, the big caution label on the front of the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot can was probably also warning me about the size of it.

If only other products would have the courtesy to put big, bold caution labels on its packaging, it would probably save me and you a whole lot of time and money.

For example, imagine having a warning on a Britney Spears CD.

Caution: This CD may cause your daughters to see Britney as a role model, when she definitely shouldn’t be; settle for an ambition-less husband, who won’t get a job; and make them say “y’all” way too much.

Item: Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Warning label, letting me know that it’s going to suck. 100% of your daily allowance of Vitamin C. 100 mg of sweet, sweet caffeine. Low calorie, fat, carbs, and sugar. Goes down easy.
Cons: Watery taste. Splenda. Weird aftertaste. Only 3 percent juice.

Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel

Marvo 24 Comments

If your only real fear is commitment, you’re a Mitchum Man.

Nope…Women fear committing to me and I fear snakes, women with large Adam’s Apples, and shopping malls with free boy band concerts.


If you’ve ever eaten tortilla chip crumbs off your shirt, you’re a Mitchum Man.


No, I usually dust those onto the floor and then suck them up with my vacuum. However, on several occasions I’ve licked up nacho cheese from my shirt so it wouldn’t stain. Also, I’ve always wanted to eat sushi off of a naked woman.

If you never forget your protection, you’re a Mitchum Man.

I’ve forgotten my protection a few times. Thank goodness I shoot blanks and no child has ever walked up to me and called me “daddy.”


If they look real enough to you, you’re a Mitchum Man.

Um… Real. Fake. Flat. Perky. Saggy. One nipple pointing towards the sky and the other one pointing to the ground. I’ll take them however I can.


If you didn’t have anything to do with planning your wedding, you’re a Mitchum Man.

No, I will plan everything for my wedding. I want my wedding ceremony to be on top of a grassy hill, with only close relatives and friends. We will all be lifted there by helicopter. My bride and I will write each other beautiful sonnets (or haiku, if I’m lazy) expressing our love and dedication. Then we will release a hundred white doves into the sky, which will probably take over the native bird population and cause larger bird poop splats on cars.

If you ever fantasized about a hotel maid, you’re a Mitchum Man.


Um, I don’t know what hotels you go to, but from all the hotels I’ve been to, I have yet to see ONE hot hotel maid or one under the age of 50.

If Menage a Trois is the only french term you know, you’re a Mitchum Man.

I not only know Menage a Trois, I can also count to ten in French, and say “Dans mon pays on utilise le vagin en premier,” which translates to, “In my country it’s customary to try the vagina first.”

Hmm…Well I guess I don’t qualify as a Mitchum Man, but then again I should’ve known, because according to the Village People, I also don’t qualify to be a macho macho man.

Despite not being a Mitchum Man, I’ve been using the Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant for the past few weeks. I don’t usually use anti-perspirants because I like it when my body perspires, because it’s the body’s way of cooling down and the glistening sweat makes me feel like a Chippendale dancer, except without the six-pack abs, bowtie, tight spandex pants, bulging biceps, slick hair, the ability to make women scream, a large package, and choreographed dance moves.

The first thing I noticed about the Fresh Wave Clear Gel was its scent. It has a nice clean and fresh scent, which smells kind of like a cologne. Because it’s a clear gel, Mitchum claims that it will not leave any traces on your clothing. So far, I have yet to see any residue, but then again, the Degree deodorant I used previously also didn’t leave any traces.

Mitchum also claims that because the Fresh Wave Clear Gel is alcohol-free, it won’t sting or irritate my skin. Fortunately, it didn’t sting, but I don’t know of any deodorant that does, except Crabs Deodorant. Unfortunately, it did irritate my skin after a few days of use, causing me to scratch my armpits once in awhile and then smelling them after I was done scratching.

Another problem I had was running out of the product too quickly. Most deodorants last me two or three months, but with the Mitchum Clear Gel, I’m on track to use it all up within a month. Although, I have to admit that might have been my fault since I put on deodorant in the morning and right before I go to bed.

Why do I need to put on deodorant right before I go to sleep? Well, just in case I forget to put some on in the morning or if I meet a hot chick in my dreams.

Item: Mitchum Fresh Wave Clear Gel
Purchase Price: $2.68
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Has a nice fresh scent. Didn’t leave residue on clothes. Alcohol-free. I’m not a Mitchum Man. My wedding sonnet (or haiku).
Cons: Product ran out too quickly. Caused armpit irritation. I’m not a macho macho man. My limited French.

Jamba Juice Orange Cherry Cheer

Marvo 30 Comments

I hate to admit this, but I have a terrible fear of Starbucks.

I don’t know if it’s because of my fear of standing in long lines of grouchy people who could explode at any moment unless they get their caffeine fix or because of the urban legend that says, “For every thirteen Starbucks coffees sold, somewhere around the world a new Starbucks shop will unfold. Starbucks will continue to grow wherever there is a sign that says ‘For Lease.’ Starbucks will continue to grow until it can no longer increase.”

So instead of Starbucks, I end up at Jamba Juice, with its brightly colored decor, which makes you feel like you’re either inside of a rainbow, in an Old Navy advertisement, or you’ve been staring at a tie-dye shirt for too long.

I believe the unofficial slogan of Jamba Juice is, “All of the same prices and weird cup size names as Starbucks, but without the coffee-smelling farts.”

During my most recent trip to Jamba Juice, I noticed that they were offering their holiday flavors, Orange Cherry Cheer and Mighty Cherry Charger.

I picked up an Orange Cherry Cheer, with its cherries, freshly-squeezed orange juice, orange sherbet, soymilk and nonfat frozen yogurt. I decided to get it because I felt the brightly colored decor of the Jamba Juice didn’t make me cheery enough.

Also, in order to get in touch with my feminine side, I added a Femme Boost to my smoothie, which according to the Jamba Juice website:

Jamba’s Femme Boost combines folic acid to support a healthy nervous system, calcium for strong bones, iron for healthy blood, magnesium to support a healthy heartbeat, and hormone-balancing herbs & extracts to keep you cheery all year long. As an added bonus, soy isoflavones are blended in to support reproductive health and comfort, especially during and after menopause. So power up with Jamba’s Femme Boost and let your girl power prevail!

You go girl! I am woman, hear me roar! All the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me. All the honeys who makin’ money, throw your hands up at me. All the mommas who profit dollas, throw your hands up at me. All the ladies who truly feel me, throw your hands up at me.

Girl power!

The first thing I noticed about the Orange Cherry Cheer was the fact that it had more orange than cherry, but it had more cherry than cheer. Even with the hormone-balancing herbs & extracts in the Femme Boost, I still didn’t feel very cheery.

Maybe I wasn’t so cheery because I was picking chunks of cherry seeds off of my tongue much like how I would probably have to pick off pubic hair after going down on a hairy Hungarian hooker.

Despite the chunks of cherry seeds, I liked the taste of the Orange Cherry Cheer, it was kind of Orange Julius-ish. (I dare you to say Julius-ish five times in a row really fast.) Plus, no coffee-smelling farts.

(Editor’s Note: Here are a couple of things you can do to have fun with Jamba Juice employees. (1) When ordering, talk REALLY fast and be very fidgety, then ask if you can add an Energy Boost to your purchase, and then say, “I’ve been feeling really sluggish today.” (2) When the cashier asks you for your name, use different names every time. Mix it up. Use names of the opposite sex. Use foreign names. Use names with more than five syllables. Use names without any vowels. Be creative.)

Item: Jamba Juice Orange Cherry Cheer
Purchase Price: $4.55 (Original Size)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Orangy. Telling the Jamba Juice employee that your name is Rico Suave. No coffee-smelling farts. Femme Boost helped me get in touch with my feminine side.
Cons: Not so cheery. Chunks of cherry seeds. Weird cup size names. Starbucks will soon swallow the Earth.

Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools

Marvo 13 Comments

OHHHH!

Oh yeah, baby!

OHHHH! OHHHH! YES!

Versatile Office Nipple Clips! That’s what I’m talking about!

OHHHH! OHHHH! OHHHH!

Me likey! Me likey!

OHHHH! OHHHH! OHHHH! YES! YES! OHHHHHHHHHH!

Me love you long time!

W-w-what? I’m sorry. I was having a quasi-product review blog editor’s wet dream. I get them after looking through product catalogs and finding a bunch of stuff I’d like to review. This time I was looking through Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, a parody on office supply catalogs.

Office supply catalogs to a quasi-product review blog editor are like stolen Victoria’s Secret catalogs to creepy lonely men and Russian mail order bride catalogs to creepy old lonely men. We love looking through them, letting our imaginations run wild, and occasionally getting pages of a catalog stuck together.

Although, now that I think about it, here at the Impulsive Buy we hardly ever review office supplies and equipment. I believe we don’t review them because they’re kind of boring. Except for staple removers, which make decent S&M toys.

However, the selection in Stooples included many items that would easily cause any quasi-product review blog editor to cream in their pants. Some of my favorites included:

The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword for 49 cents

Description from Stooples: Now you can test this adage for yourself. Charge into battle wailing and flailing your pen against master swordsmen, knife-wielding psychos, manicurists with attitude and others armed with sharp weaponry. Not enough of a challenge? Take on Bloods and Crips, Peruvian rebel bases and Libya. Still not enough of a challenge? How ’bout I beat you upside the head with this book.

Versatile Office Nipple Clips for 39 cents

Description from Stooples: Many steel-tempered, nickel-plated binder clips are good for either gripping reports or clamping nipples, but never both. Until now. Our rectangular design holds paper, nipples, with equal efficiency and optimum compression. Durable grasp doesn’t weaken over time or tugging. Option: you may remove arms for permanent binding, but think carefully.

Typo Whip for $29.99

Description from Stooples: Teach your secretary the value of proofreading. Woven strands of correction tape form foot-long whip; allow on-the-spot disciplinary action for forgetting to spell-check. Punish letter-dropping, reverse wording and too much spacing. Horsewhip or cat-o’-nine tails.

Downsizing LSD (Layoff Soother & Depressant) for $29.99 per tablet

Description from Stooples: Delivering news about layoffs is no fun for anyone, but the last thing you need is an irate ex-employee chasing you around a desk with a letter opener. Downsizing LSD keeps things calm. Simply place in coffee (theirs, not yours) and within minutes they’re ready to hear anything. Closing entire office? Downsizing LSD tablets can be placed in company watercoolers. Employ 83% of the local workforce and now you’re moving the entire operation to Guatemala? Seed passing cloud formations with industrial strength LSD, pray for rain, run like hell. Also available: Human Resource Halcyon.

God, I would totally kill for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, and if I had The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword, I could use it to kill someone for The Pen That Is Mightier Than the Sword.

Of course, since Stooples is a parody of an office supply catalog, I can only dream of the stuff I could’ve reviewed — and then in the morning clean up whatever mess I made from dreaming.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Adam Najberg, a co-author of the book, for sending me a copy of Stooples. Perhaps this book will give office supply companies ideas and I hope that many of them come to fruition, especially The Pen That is Mightier Than the Sword, because there are a couple of swords I’d like to take down. I’m talking to you, Tommy Lee! Also, go check out the Stooples website.)

Item: Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Hilarious book. One of the best ways to give a quasi-product review blog editor a boner. Perfect for those who like to look at pretty pictures and not have a lot of words get in the way…or illiterate people.
Cons: Since none of the products can be ordered, it’s one of the best ways to give blue balls to a quasi-product review blog editor. I didn’t come up with the idea.

Hefty Serve ‘n Store

Marvo 31 Comments

After seeing how the Hefty Serve ‘n Store interlocking plates and bowls work, I now have a better understanding of how two adolescent teens with braces making out behind the library could easily get stuck together.

Unfortunately, the Serve ‘n Store plates and bowls didn’t give me a better understanding of how to separate two adolescent teens with braces that got stuck together while making out behind the library. I think only an orthodontist could help me with that.

The purpose of the Serve ‘n Store plastic disposable tableware is to allow you to serve, store, and eat leftovers. Every plate is a lid, and every lid is a plate, locking together like Legos or two adolescent teens with braces making out behind the library.

The whole plate-lid thing sort of confuses me, much like every time I see Latoya Jackson and wonder if it’s really Latoya or if it’s Michael with plastic surgery that makes him look black again. How do I know the lid is actually the lid and not the plate? Someone could easily flip it on me and mess with my mind.

Locking together the Serve ‘n Store plates and bowls are significantly easier than solving a Sudoku puzzle and they are also not as addictive to play with as Sudoku puzzles.

I found the Serve ‘n Store plates very convenient when I wanted to pack away food in single servings, but I also found them inconvenient because they weren’t microwaveable. I could serve, store, and eat food, but I just couldn’t warm it up.

However, after some extra research I found that I may not be able to warm up food with the Serve ‘n Store, but I could entertain with them. If you combine two Serve ‘n Store plates they make a decent frisbee. If you add some bells to your frisbee, it turns into a decent tambourine, and you can pretend to be Cher or any female singer from the 1960s or 1970s.

Besides not being able to put the Serve ‘n Store in the microwave, another thing that bothered me was the irritating sound that the locked plates and bowls made when pulled apart.

But I guess I should be glad that the irritating sound won’t make Biggie and Tupac want to roll over in their graves like Kevin Federline’s upcoming rap album will.

Although when I added an 80s dance beat to the irritating sound, it sounded much better.

It also sounded better when I added an edgy rock beat and a weird house beat.

But the irritating sound became even more disturbing when I added an 80s dance beat, plus a video of me stripping.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Kondek from Hass MS&L for sending me the Hefty Serve ‘n Store to review.)

(Editor’s Note 2: Our friend at Cheap Eats also did a review of this product, which you can read here.)

Item: Hefty Serve ‘n Store
Purchase Price: FREE (suggested retail price $2.69)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Convenient way to store stuff. Better than Kevin Federline’s upcoming rap album. Combining two plates make a decent frisbee. Combining two plates and some bells make a decent tambourine.
Cons: Can’t microwave. Separating the interlocking plates and bowls causes an irritating sound. Ten-inch plates come in a 15-count pack, so one plate will be lonely. Kevin Federline’s upcoming rap album. People who buy Kevin Federline’s upcoming rap album, all two of them, including his mom and Britney.