Category: Reviews

Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit

Marvo 24 Comments

Fiber is one of those things that most people don’t get enough of, including myself. It helps prevent things like diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart disease. When I was told by my doctor that I needed more fiber in my diet, I decided to get that fiber the American Way.

Not in the form of vegetables or fruits, but in the form of either a pill, injection, or powder. I decided on powder, because I’m not very good at swallow pills and I fear that I won’t be able to do a fiber injection, unless Jose Canseco injected it into my ass for me.

So for the past couple of years I’ve been drinking Metamucil, which is a powder you mix with water.

At the time, I was so happy I was getting fiber, that I wrote a short poem:

Fiber helps when you’re stumped.
It can help you from getting plump.
It aids when you want to take a dump.

Metamucil comes only in an orange flavor, but when I say “orange flavor” I mean that very loosely. It tastes like the watered down orange Kool-Aid I made on my own when I was eight years old and didn’t understand basic fluid measurements, how to write a cursive “Z,” or knew what masturbation was.

Over the years, I’ve progressively gotten tired of that “orange taste.” So I was really excited when I noticed the new Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit at the national grocery store chain I shop at.

Again, I was so happy that I decided to write another short poem:

Fiber is really good for you.
It aids with lowering cholesterol too.
But it really helps when you go number two.

The Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit came with five individual packets of the powder mix and a shaker cup. Just like all hot chocolate powder mixes, I had the option of using either milk or water. However, for some strange reason, I felt very compelled to use milk while watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial.

Anyway, the taste of the Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake was good and kind of reminded me of Ovaltine. It’s definitely better than the orangy Metamucil taste.

Despite the great taste, I did have a few problems with it. The powder clumped up a little after shaking it with milk in the shaker cup. Also, if you let the mixture sit, the liquid will become sludge-like. However, that also happens with Metamucil. So you have to drink it pretty quickly.

I’m really happy I can now get my fiber in a chocolatey form. I’m so happy that I feel compelled to write another short poem:

Fiber is great.
It helps you lose weight.
It aids when you defecate.

Item: Citrucel Chocolate FiberShake Starter Kit
Purchase Price: $3.97
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes sort of like Ovaltine. No sugar added. Good way to get your fiber. Comes with shaker cup.
Cons: Powder tends to clump up when milk is added. If not enough liquid is used, it may cause choking. Letting it sit will cause it to be sludge-like.

Trojan Elexa

Marvo 42 Comments

I have never wanted a clitoris before, but ever since I got these Trojan Elexa products, I wish I could grow one.

The new Trojan Elexa line was created from a woman’s perspective, thankfully not from the perspective of Angelina Jolie, because while the condoms would’ve prevent unwanted pregnancies, they might have caused excessive adoptions and many adopted kids with mohawks.

When I received the box of Elexa products, from Impulsive Buy reader Robert, I was surprised to see more than condoms. There was also a box of Intimacy Gel, Freshening Cloths, and a Vibrating Ring.

The first thing I decided to test was the condoms. I received three varieties: Natural Feel, Stimulating, and Ultra Sensitive. They all looked like normal condoms, but the Natural Feel condoms has a premium water-based lubricant that works with a woman’s natural lubrication, the Stimulating condoms are ribbed and contoured, and the Ultra Sensitive condoms are ultra thin.

Without a girlfriend or enough money to buy a girlfriend for the evening, I had no way to find out if they were stimulating, ultra sensitive, or felt natural.

Not even using them to deep throat a banana would’ve been helpful. However, I could test the claim on the boxes that they all have a low latex odor by conducting a condom smell test, which is very similar to the game, “Whose Armpit Are You Smelling Now?”

I grabbed one of the Elexa condom and a condom from my “Just in case I get some. Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I’m not getting any” stash. I ripped open the packaging for both condoms and took a whiff of each. The Elexa condom did have a significant lower latex odor than the other Trojan condom I smelled.

I really wish Trojan would make all their condoms with a low latex odor, because it’s not sexy having my hands smell like latex gloves when I pay…Um…I mean, when I want a woman to suck on my fingers…and maybe my elbows.

The next product I tested was the Intimacy Gel, which would’ve been more fun to test if I could grow a clitoris or had access to a clitoris. Instead I put some on one of my palms and began massaging it with my other hand’s fingers. I could feel the warmth of the gel and it felt nice, kind of like when I put on sunscreen from a bottle that’s been sitting in the sun.

Oh, if only I had a clitoris.

Also, I have to say, the instructions for the Intimacy Gel are the sexiest instructions EVER printed on a product: “Apply a small amount of Elexa Intimacy Gel, about the size of a dime, onto the tip of the finger and gently massage the clitoral area. The gentle warmth from applying the gel enhances the pleasure of an intimate physical touch. Repeat as desired. Oh yeah! That’s the spot. Repeat, baby! REPEAT!”

It’s like a Penthouse Letter, except much shorter.

Next up were the Freshening Cloths, which look like handiwipes from KFC, but smell like potpourri. The purpose of these are to help a woman feel fresh and confident down below.

However, I could also see men using these, because I’m sure women don’t like it when their man’s “roll of quarters and loose change bag” are smelling kind of funky and they’re going down to receive a withdrawal.

Flowery-smelling is better than funky-smelling.

The final product I received was perhaps the most intriguing member of the Elexa line. The Vibrating Ring is basically a small vibrator attached to a soft silicone ring. Slide it on a “roll of quarters,” turn it on, and then turn her on.

I didn’t read the instructions so it took me awhile to turn on the Vibrating Ring, but now that I think about it, I also have trouble turning on women and televisions without remote controls.

How well does it vibrate? Well here’s a video of me putting it into action. (Quicktime required for video.)

According to the instructions, the Vibrating Ring’s battery should last for about twenty minutes or so, which means I can use it about twenty times before the battery dies.

Now the surprising thing about the Trojan Elexa line is that you won’t be able to find them at the usual “Wall of Condoms” at your favorite store. These products are only available in the feminine hygiene section.

Oh, except maybe the Vibrating Ring, which can’t be sold in eight states.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Robert, who has Trojan as a client at the PR firm he works at, for the Elexa products. I would also like to thank Robert for reminding me that I’m not getting laid, but the vibrating ring will have to suffice for now.)

Item: Trojan Elexa
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Condoms have a low latex odor. Freshening cloths have a nice light scent. Vibrating Ring looks like fun. Wide variety of products to help women increase their pleasure. My excessive use of the word clitoris.
Cons: Women get condom boxes that don’t look like condom boxes, while guys have condom boxes that yell condom boxes. Took me awhile to figure out how to turn on the Vibrating Ring. My lack of a clitoris. What? No taint vibrator for men?

Cheap Ass Bath Towels

Marvo 35 Comments

One of the great things about bath towels is the fact that they’re multi-taskers. However, most of you may not realize the multitude of things you can do with bath towels.

Most of us use them to dry ourselves off after coming out of the shower. However, homeless people use them as blankets, bullies use them to whip the nerd and geeks in the shower, and former presidential candidate Bob Dole uses wet bath towels to test his boner strength after taking Viagra.

A few months ago, I was in need of some new sets of bath towels, because my old sets were…Um, old. Let me put it this way, my towels were so old that the washing instructions on the labels had faded away.

At first, I felt uncomfortable about going bath towel shopping because it seemed like something you should do with that special woman. It’s on the same level as thinking about what you’ll name your kids, deciding to have either a joint or separate checking accounts, or deciding who will take the dominant and submissive roles in your sado-masochistic sexual fantasies.

Unfortunately, being the bachelor that I am, I couldn’t share this occasion with that special woman, but I really needed new towels.

The first place I went to look for bath towels was the Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named. They had a wide selection of towels, but I wasn’t sure if I was willing to pay $6 to $8 dollars for ONE FRICKIN’ towel.

They can sell DVD players for thirty dollars, but they can’t sell bath towels for four bucks? Rollback prices, my ass!

Anyway the next place I decided to check out was Kmart, the home of Martha “M. Diddy” Stewart’s Everyday collection. However, despite my belief that Martha is a total MILF and my desire to “put my loaf of bread into her hot oven,” I couldn’t buy her towels, because they’re expensive and according to several Impulsive Buy readers, they suck.

So I eventually ended up at Sears.

Yes, Sears. The same Sears that has brought us Craftsman tools, Kenmore appliances, and where my parents used to purchase the husky clothing I needed as a child. Now it’s also where I found Cheap Ass Bath Towels.

Okay, they’re not called Cheap Ass Bath Towels, they’re actually labeled New Traditions Bath Collection and they’re exclusively sold at Sears. Anyway, the REGULAR PRICE for these towels was $2.99 for a bath towel and $2.49 for a hand towel.

They weren’t just cheap, they were almost child sweat shop cheap.

(Editor’s Note: Yes, I too am wondering why the hand towel, which is one-third of the size of the bath towel, isn’t one-third the price of the bath towel.)

However, with all really cheap items there will always be some shortcomings.

For example, the New Traditions Bath Towels are slightly smaller than other bath towels. It measures two feet in width and four feet in length. It’s width is about four inches less and it’s height is about six inches less than my roommate’s towel, which he got from the Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.

If I was Shaquille O’Neal, the size of the towel would matter, but I’m roughly the size of Shaq’s leg, so it doesn’t matter to me.

Another thing about these towels is the fact they aren’t as thick as most towels. However, this helps the towel dry faster to prevent funky smells from forming.

If size doesn’t matter to you, I’d suggest the New Traditions Bath Towels. They are so cheap that it’s almost like you stole them from a hotel, from a homeless person, or off of Bob Dole’s Viagra induced wang.

Item: New Traditions Bath Towels
Purchase Price: $2.99 (bath towel) $2.49 (hand towel)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ cheap ass towels! Variety of colors. Made in the USA. Viagra.
Cons: Exclusively sold by Sears. Slightly smaller than most towels. Stealing from homeless people. Bob Dole’s Viagra induced wang.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat

Marvo 41 Comments

Limited Edition Coffee KitKat

Kit Kat, because of its four chocolate covered wafer fingers, is the perfect candy for sharing, making fake walrus teeth with, and always comes in handy if you’re being attacked by Star Jones Reynolds.

However, with this Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, I don’t want to share them. As a matter of fact, if Star Jones Reynolds did attack me, instead of using the Coffee Kit Kat to lure her away, I’d just let her maul me and then when she’s not looking, I’ll chop off whatever limb she’s gnawing on and run/hop away to safety.

I don’t feel like sharing the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat because:

1. They’re damn good.
2. They’re limited edition
3. I’m a greedy asshole.
4. They’re my precious. MY PRECIOUS!!!

I was surprised that I really liked the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, because I don’t like drinking coffee at all. For some reason, coffee doesn’t agree with me.

Whenever I try coffee or anything from Starbucks, my stomach turns, like when I smell Britney Spears’ perfume Curious, which has a product description that goes like this, “Britney Spears personifies daring and piques the curiosity of young women everywhere. Curious by Britney Spears represents the young woman that pushes boundaries and revels in adventure.”

(Pause for dry heaving)

I’m sorry for the dry heaving. Apparently, I not only get nauseous from smelling crap, I also get nauseous from reading crap.

Anyway, the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat is damn good, it has a nice coffee taste and smell that’s not too strong, unlike the amount of perfume on most strippers.

I was not only surprised by the great coffee taste, I was also surprised that I found a variation of a candy bar that I liked just as much as the original. It seems like candy companies are constantly trying different things to tweak their candy.

For example, the Kit Kat Extra Creamy, which I had a few months ago, was totally lame, because it didn’t change the taste of the Kit Kat. It changed only the texture and it didn’t change it significantly. It’s like if Michael Jackson had plastic surgery today, it won’t make much of a difference, because he’s had so much plastic surgery.

In reality, I think the only plastic surgery left that he can get done is getting breast implants.

But even then, no matter how much plastic surgery he has, Jacko will still be the ghostly pale freak that moonwalks and will still be less brown than the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat.

Item: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Nice strong coffee taste, but not too strong. Just as good as the original Kit Kat.
Cons: Limited edition. Might turn you into a greedy prick. The description of Britney Spears’ perfume, Curious. Being mauled by Star Jones Reynolds.

REVIEW: Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor

Marvo 25 Comments

Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor

(Editor’s Note: Impulsive Buy reader and starving college student, Amanda, asked me if I would be willing to review products that don’t need to be refrigerated and can be prepared by just adding water. I thought I could do a week of products of like this, but surprisingly, I couldn’t find many. Thank goodness for dried ramen.)

If I were on the game show Family Feud and the following question was asked, “What things would you typically find in a men’s college dorm room?” I would probably say the following things:

1. Textbooks that won’t be opened until midterms.
2. A computer with gigabytes of porn and illegally downloaded music and movies.
3. Enough empty beer cans to have several lanes of beer can bowling.
4. Several bongs made out of either glass, beer cans, or fruits.
5. A potpourri of free condoms from the Condom Fair on campus.
6. Cases of dried ramen.

During my freshman year in college, I ate a lot of dried ramen. However, during my sophomore year, my dried ramen consumption dramatically decreased when my friend attending the University of Arizona told me about a student there who died from malnutrition because the only thing he ate was dried ramen.

Today, I hardly ever touch the stuff. However, recently I picked up a Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor. Now when they say “souper,” they really mean “souper.” The styrofoam bowl is probably more than twice the size of a typical Cup Noodles bowl, which means it is probably big enough to use as a helmet for beer can bowling.

The Souper Meal may have been bigger than a typical Cup Noodles, but preparing it was the same. Just boil some water, peel back the lid, pour the boiling water into the styrofoam bowl, cover the bowl with the lid, wait for three minutes, peel back the lid again, stir, consume, and then wish you could afford some real food.

Each Souper Meal comes with three individual packets, one for the chicken flavored soup base; another for the freeze-dried vegetables, which includes corn, mushrooms, carrots, onions, and cabbage; and another for the Finishing Touch flavor packet.

Finishing Touch?

That’s something I expect from an Asian massage parlor, not from an instant Asian soup dish.

Well I tried the Souper Meal with and without the Finishing Touch flavor packet, and after trying it, I wished that it was the Asian massage parlor Finishing Touch instead, because it really didn’t add anything to the Souper Meal. Either way, it tasted and looked like a typical chicken flavored Cup Noodles.

While eating the Souper Meal, I began reading the nutritional facts on the side of the bowl and found out that the entire bowl had 2,540 milligrams of sodium, which was possibly enough to either raise my blood pressure or turn me into a human salt lick.

However, I also found out that it has four grams of dietary fiber. Although, it probably isn’t enough to negate the nine grams of saturated fat, which is 50 percent of your daily allowance.

After reading all of that, I put my fork down and dumped the rest of the Souper Meal down the drain, because dying via a sexual asphyxiation fetish is fine, but dying by the hands of dried ramen is not.

Item: Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor
Purchase Price: $1.49
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular chicken flavored Cup Noodles. More than double the size of a regular Cup Noodles. Four grams of dietary fiber in every bowl. Styrofoam bowl may make a good helmet for beer can bowling.
Cons: Helluva lot of sodium and saturated fat. Fogs up my glasses when I eat it. Not much “souper” about it. Dying by the hands of dried ramen. Finishing Touch packet wasn’t the Finishing Touch I really wanted.