Category: Reviews

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp

Marvo 28 Comments

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp

I’m a very skeptical person.

I think I’ve been very skeptical ever since one of my third grade classmates told me that putting on four pairs of Underoos would protect me from a kick to the balls. Of course, I later learned that this was not true and putting on four pairs of Underoos made me look like I was wearing a diaper.

Recently, Impulsive Buy readers Kaitlin and Joseph each emailed me to tell me about the new cereal, Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I was exciting about to learn about it, because Cookie Crisp is one of my favorite cereals. However, my skepticism kicked in and I couldn’t totally believe that it existed.

Kaitlin even directed to the General Mills website that had information and a picture of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. However, in my eyes, the website was like the famous Surgeon’s photo of the Loch Ness Monster or the grainy video footage of Bigfoot. It was something that could be easily explained.

The Loch Ness Monster photo is actually a photo of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee floating nude on his back in a lake and the Bigfoot footage is just a video someone took of Robin Willams going on a hike.

As for the Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp, I thought it was something someone created in Adobe Photoshop. I think someone with mad Photoshop skills created the box and a hacker posted it on the General Mills website.

How easy is it to create a fake box? Well, I have crappy Photoshop skills and I created a box of Marvios (see picture below)

For me to believe Kaitlin and Joseph, I needed tangible proof, and I got it while walking through the cereal aisle at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at.

Marvios

When I first saw the box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp on the shelf, I did the things that most people do when they don’t believe what their seeing. For those of you who have seen mirages, boobs bigger than human heads, people with three nipples, or have seen how buff Carrot Top is, you know what I’m talking about.

First, I made bug eyes, which is when you open your eyelids as wide as you can. Then I rubbed my eyes to make sure my they were clean and looked again. Then I squinted at the box to make sure I was seeing it correctly.

Well it turned out that Kaitlin and Joseph were right and I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about my prediction that the members of *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees would form a pop supergroup called White Bread, modeling it after rock supergroups Velvet Revolver and Audioslave.

I picked up a box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp and when I got home I tried a bowl of it. After the first spoonful, I thought that it was pretty good. It was definitely better tasting than the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch cereal the Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp had a poor authentic peanut butter flavor, but it did have a great fake peanut butter flavor. After trying it, I would have to say that it is probably the best fake peanut butter flavored cereal I’ve ever had.

The cereal stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. In my mouth, the cereal was crunchy at first, but after that it seemed like it melted in my mouth, which made me think either General Mills intended the cereal to do that or my saliva is like molten lava.

Item: Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great fake peanut butter flavor. Made with whole grain. Vitamins and minerals. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. No pop supergroup called White Bread.
Cons: Poor authentic peanut butter flavor. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. My skepticism. My crappy Photoshop skills.

Kellogg’s Special K Fruit & Yogurt

Marvo 23 Comments

Growing up, I never ate Special K because the television ads made me think the only people who ate Special K were skinny beautiful women in white one-piece bathing suits.

At that time, I wasn’t skinny, beautiful, a woman, or owned a white one-piece bathing suit. Instead, I was husky, homely, a little boy, and owned a whole bunch of horizontally striped collared shirts that made me look even more husky. So I felt I wasn’t special enough to eat Special K.

However, today I’m slightly overweight, apparently kind of cute, a man, and once walked around my dorm wearing some girl’s bra for a dollar.

Despite the progress I’ve made, I still don’t think I’m quite special enough to eat Special K.

Another reason why I never ate Special K was because it didn’t seem like there was anything “special” about it.

No chocolate.

No marshmallows.

No rainbow of colors.

No two scoops of raisins.

No toy inside the box.

No athletes on the front of the box.

No super difficult word find puzzles on the back of the box.

No crystal meth-looking frosting.

Unless Kellogg’s decided to use psychology on all of us to make us think that Special K is “special,” but in reality the only thing “special” about Special K is the fact that there’s nothing special about it.

Oh man, my brain hurts. That took too much thought.

Well there may not be anything special about Special K, but there is something special about Special K Fruit & Yogurt. Also, I may not be special enough to eat Special K, but the time I spent wearing a bra and the other time I spent wearing a muumuu surely makes me special enough to eat Special K Fruit & Yogurt.

Since I’ve never eaten Special K, I don’t know how it tastes. However, I imagine that it tastes horribly bland, because it looks horribly bland, like corn flakes or Ashlee Simpson’s new movie, “Undiscovered.”

Thank goodness I’ve never had to eat Special K, but I’m glad I got to eat Special K Fruit & Yogurt because it’s actually pretty good with its oat & fruit clusters and yogurt-coated clusters mixed with rice and wheat flakes.

The berry-flavored oats give the cereal a nice taste and crunch, which is good because the flakes get soggy pretty quickly. Also, despite looking like something that a drunk college kid might throw up, the yogurt-coated clusters also added a different flavor and texture to the cereal.

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Fruit & Yogurt
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Berry-flavored oats and yogurt-coated clusters made the cereal pretty tasty. Lots of vitamins and minerals. Low fat. Low calorie.
Cons: Box is kind of small. Flakes get soggy pretty quickly. Ashlee Simpson’s movie “Undiscovered.” Not special enough to eat regular Special K.

Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight

Marvo 29 Comments

Dreyer's Slow Churned Light

Ice cream is one of the best comfort foods.

Since it’s cool, creamy, and delicious, it’s supposed to help people forget all of their troubles. It’s much like alcohol and Calgon, except without the hangovers and prune fingers.

Ice cream has helped me on several occasions.

One time I was flipping channels and came upon this movie. I stopped flipping channels and ended up watching this movie because there was this pretty woman acting in it. Well to make a long story short, it turned out that the pretty woman was actually a dude, which caused me to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in about fifteen minutes.

Damn you, The Crying Game! Damn you!

Another time ice cream helped me was when I was with a couple of friends and we were hiking along the coastline and we came upon a private nude beach. I saw a lot of T and A, but unfortunately, it was only 60-year-old T and A. But what made it worse was that there were also many 60-year-old floppy schlongs.

This was bad because I had images of dancing 60-year-old boobs and schlongs in my head for the rest of the hike. When we got back from the hike, it took four ice cream sandwiches to help me forget about those images.

Now the problem with using ice cream to help me forget about my troubles is the fact that I have a lot of troubles, like running into ex-girlfriends, hearing Clay Aiken sing, possibly being molested by a drunk Tara Reid, hearing the Usher song “Yeah!” for the umpteenth time, and older white folks saying “bling bling.”

Because I have a lot of troubles, I eat a lot of ice cream, which means I’m possibly committing one of the Seven Deadly Sins: Gluttony.

Otherwise known as, “normal life” by hair metal bands from the 1980s and 1990s.

Sure, I could just eat low-fat or Healthy Choice ice cream, but then the troubling experience of dancing schlongs in my head will be replace the troubling experience of eating really crappy tasting ice cream.

If only someone would come out with an ice cream with all the flavor, but without the need to make frantic calls to Jenny Craig, like I’m Kirstie Alley.

Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers Kent and Jobetta, I think I may have found that ice cream, Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light. It has half the fat and one-third fewer calories than regular ice cream.

The Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight I bought was surprisingly really good. The caramel flavor seemed to have permeated through the ice cream because it was in every spoonful, even when there weren’t any caramel swirls.

(Holy crap! Did I just use the word “permeated?” That’s such a big word for me. I’m so happy! My vocabulary is still growing!)

Overall, it’s the best light ice cream I’ve ever tasted. It’s creamy, rich, delicious, healthier than regular ice cream, and will help me cope when someone sees my ass crack when I go commando in my low cut jeans.

Item: Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Delicious. Half the fat of regular ice cream. One-third fewer calories than regular ice cream. Caramel flavor was in every spoonful. Me using the word “permeated” for the first time.
Cons: 60-year-old schlongs flopping up and down on a nude beach. 60-year-old boobies flopping up and down on a nude beach. My inability to distinguish between dudes and chicks.

Frawg Slurpee

Marvo 27 Comments

Frawg Slurpee

Damn you, Cap’n Crunch! Damn you!

Not only have you given me mild laceration on the roof of my mouth, you’ve also started this trend that’s been sweeping across the minds of professional marketers to misspell wordz. See! I put a frickin’ “z’ at the end of “wordz.”

Look at what you and products like Mini Swirlz, Kibbles ‘n Bits, and Xtreme Right Guard have done. Even Ashton Kutcher has mess’d me up. See! He caus’d…DAMMIT…me to take out the “e” in the suffix “-ed,” like in his show Punk’d.

And now we’ve got 7-Eleven and their green apple-flavor’d Frawg Slurpee.

Thanks to all these product namez, my English degree has suddenly become less valuable than it already was with my poor grammatical skillz. If I sound worri’d, it’s because I am worri’d. But I’m not worri’d because I’m slowly turning into the world’s worse Scrabble player because there aren’t any apostrophez in Scrabble, I’m worri’d about the children.

Although, not as much as Britney’s future spoiled brat baby.

If this continues, imagine what my future child’s (or illegitimate child’s) second grade book report on Arnold Lobel’s Frawg and Toad Together would look like.

My book report is on Arnold Lobel’s Frawg and Toad Together. It is about Frawg and Toad and their adventurez. There are five storiez in the book. There is a story about a list, a garden, cookies, being brave, and a dream. What I learn’d from the book is that Frawg is smart, but Toad is a dumbass, because he doesn’t know how plantz grow or to think on his own.

I lik’d Frawg and Toad Together because it was fun to read and it was short. I also lik’d the picturez. My daddy said he also likes bookz with picturez, xcept his bookz have picturez of ladiez. Sometimes instead of looking at bookz with picturez of ladiez, he goes on the computer and looks at picturez of ladiez.

The end.

Thanks Frawg! Not only have you possibly messed up my future, your fluorescent green color takes me back to my crappy middle school years, when I had this fluorescent green jacket and I would get teas’d every time I wore it.

The cool kids would point to me and say, “Green is the horny color,” or “Green, green gasoline, don’t forget your ding-a-ling.”

You’re lucky that you have sweet, sweet caffeine and look like Slurm, because if you didn’t I wouldn’t even bother with your very light and slightly tangy green apple taste, which remind’d me of a weak apple Jolly Rancher.

Item: Frawg Slurpee
Purchase Price: $1.29 (40-ounce)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sweet, sweet caffeine. Kind of good tangy taste. Green is the horny color. Also available as a fountain drink. Looks like Slurm.
Cons: May mess up spelling abilities. Light green apple taste, like a weak apple Jolly Rancher.

Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips

Marvo 21 Comments

Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips

I didn’t buy these frozen Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips because they were easy to make.

I didn’t buy them for the Hooters Original Medium Wing Sauce, which was all right.

I didn’t buy them so that I could finally accomplish my goal of having the word “Hooters” in every sentence of a review, so that I can giggle every time after I read the word “Hooters.”

I also didn’t buy them so I could blow up a couple of balloons, put on my Hooters uniform, stick the balloons under my Hooters uniform, and do jumping jack in the mirror.

I bought them to torture myself with a poor pre-cooked frozen representation of a food that will always taste 100 times better fresh and is always better when served to me by a woman in a tight Hooters uniform, who I have absolutely NO CHANCE in the world to score with, not even with Funky Cold Medina.

Now I don’t know what’s worse, getting a restraining order from a Hooters waitress or eating these Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips.

Like I said before, the Hooters sauce was all right, but I don’t think that makes up for the fact that I paid over six bucks for this product and only got FIVE FRICKIN’ FROZEN STRIPS of boneless chicken.

Besides the amount of chicken, another thing that bothered me was the fact that the chicken wasn’t crispy after sticking them in the oven for suggested maximum of 13 minutes. The chicken were pretty limp, just like most men’s penises are when they realize they’re watching hermaphrodite porn.

Just remember to avoid any video with the title, “Double the Pleasure, Double the Trouble.” It really is double the trouble.

Anyway, I had the option of deep frying them, which probably would’ve made them crispy, but I lack a deep fryer and a healthy enough heart to withstand the shortening that the instructions suggested I use for frying.

If there was one thing that could’ve overcame the limp chicken, it would’ve been the sauce, but like I said before the sauce was okay. I remember the medium Hooters sauce in the restaurant being really spicy.

Oh wait. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t the medium Hooters sauce that I remember being really spicy, it was our waitress that was really spicy.

My bad.

(Editor’s Note: Okay. Okay. I suck! I still haven’t done the prize drawing yet. I will do it this week. I know I said that last week, but now I have someone to help me out.)

Item: Hooters Buffalo Style Chicken Strips
Purchase Price: $6.19 (on sale)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Easy to make, if you’ve got an oven. Hooters Original Medium Wing Sauce was okay.
Cons: Overpriced. Only five frickin’ pieces of chicken. Limp chicken. Sauce wasn’t creamy, like on the box. Doesn’t include a Hooters waitress that will turn me down.