Category: Reviews

Rip It Energy Fuel

Marvo 26 Comments

Rip It Energy Fuel

I think I’m not properly using the Rip It Energy Fuel, because I just drank a big 16-ounce can of it and I have no urge to rip anything, not even the jurors in the Michael Jackson case or Paris Hilton.

Maybe it takes a while for the effects to kick in. Maybe I have to drink another can. Maybe I have to inject it into my ass meat, like Jose Canseco did with steroids.

Anyway, on the outside, the Rip It Energy Fuel looks like any old energy drink with an aggro name, aggro designed can, and its typical aggro green energy drink color. However, after I drank it, I realized that it wasn’t a typical energy drink.

The first thing I noticed about it was its lack of bite that most energy drinks have, which was probably due to the lack of carbonation in the Rip It Energy Fuel.

This was disappointing because that bite is one of the things that wakes me up when I’m trying to finish a review or if I’m trying to stay up late to watch Ronco infomercials or the softcore porn on HBO.

Another thing I noticed about the Rip It Energy Fuel was that there was almost no aftertaste. This surprised me because just like almost all Ben Affleck movies, most energy drinks with aggro names leave me with a weird aftertaste.

However, the lack of bite and aftertaste made it easier to tank the big 16-ounce can of the berry and citrus flavored Rip It Energy Fuel, which tasted pretty good. Although, it doesn’t taste as good as The Impulsive Buy favorite, Monster Energy Drink.

Anyway, so far, through this entire review I have had a blank sheet of paper in front of me and I honestly have had no urge to rip it, despite just drinking a can of Rip It Energy Fuel. I’m pretty sure the caffeine, taurine, inositol, and guarana must have kicked in by now, but I’m just not feeling it.

Rip It Energy Fuel

Wait. Now that I think about it, maybe I have to try something different.

Now in front of me is a picture of American Idol judge, Simon Cowell.

Nope, don’t feel anything…

Oh, wait a minute, I feel something.

RIP IT!!!

DAMN FRICKIN’ ARROGANT PRICK!!! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SUCK, ASSWIPE!!! HOW ABOUT I TEAR THAT SMUG LOOK OFF OF YOUR FACE!!!

RIP IT!!!

Oh, wow! I guess Rip It Energy Fuel does work.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy would like to thank CT from the Population Statistic for creating The Impulsive Buy favicon, which can be found in the address bar of your browser…Hopefully.)

Item: Rip It Energy Fuel
Purchase Price: $1.49 (16-ounce)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice berry and citrus flavor. Cheap. Big can. Almost no aftertaste.
Cons: Typical green energy drink color. Lack of bite. Rip It Energy Fuel may or may not work, depending on what is being ripped. Simon Cowell.

Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit

Marvo 51 Comments

Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit

A few female readers requested that we do a few women’s products, particularly the Veet Rasera, which is a hair removal cream that comes with a plastic squeegee to help remove the hair.

Seeing that I didn’t have the proper equipment for tampons or the estrogen and ovaries for the Ortho Evra birth control patch, I decided to review the Veet Rasera.

Now I have hairy legs, which keep me warm at night, adds several seconds to my 200 meter breaststroke time, and makes my legs more humpable for dogs.

I had second thoughts about removing the hair on my legs because I have a lot of scars on them from my BMX bike jumping days.

Then I remembered a wise man once said, “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever,” and I decided to show off my scars.

Then I remembered it wasn’t a wise man, it was what Keanu Reeves said in the movie “The Replacements.”

Anyway, armed with the Veet Rasera, I walked into my bathroom and began the difficult task of mowing down the veritable forests on my legs.

The Veet has an obvious chemical smell, but it does smell better than the Nair products I smelled at the store. However, neither product tastes as good as or has a better name than the hair removal product, Nads.

When I applied the Veet to my legs and let it sit for three minutes, I didn’t feel any burning. However, later when I applied it to my chest, it stung pretty badly and left my chest red and irritated for the rest of the day.

After the three minutes were up, I used the Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee), to remove the hair from my legs. Overall, it got rid of the hair pretty well, although there were areas on my legs that still had hair. However, having patches of hair on my legs might’ve had to do with the fact that I’ve never shaved my legs before and I can’t see the back of my legs very well.

Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit Results

Too bad I’m not possessed, because as we all learned from Linda Blair, possessed people are able to turn their heads around 360 degrees. Oh yeah, and R2D2 too.

So I had hairless legs, but I think my skin was numb because I couldn’t feel the air coming out from my Vornado fan.

Anyway, having hairless legs made me feel more aerodynamic. It made me want to put a band aid on my legs and rip it off to know what it feels like to not have the band aid rip out a few legs hair. It allowed me to close my eyes, stroke my legs, and a pretend I was with a woman.

It also made me cold.

Without the insulation of my hairy legs, I believe my body dropped slightly in temperature, which caused me to get sick last week.

DAMN YOU, VEET! DAMN YOU!

But alas, just like most of Jennifer Lopez’s romantic relationships, I knew it couldn’t last forever. After one day, I could start to feel stubble on my legs. However, hair anywhere on my body grows back very quickly, so your mileage will probably vary.

Item: Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit
Purchase Price: $9.89
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee). Not as smelly as Nair products. Did a good job of removing hair. Stroking my smooth legs.
Cons: Skin numbness. May irritate skin. Got sick due to losing the insulation from hairy legs. Not as tasty as Nads.

Honey Graham Life Cereal

Marvo 28 Comments

Honey Graham Life Cereal

(Editor’s Note: I’d like to thank all of those who sent me well wishes these past couple of days. I’m feeling better thanks to lots of orange juice, Airborne Effervescent, green tea, generic NyQuil, water, quality time with my bed, and apologies to Dr. Phil.)

A few weeks ago Impulsive Buy reader Editrix told me about Honey Graham Life Cereal, which she learned about from the ad in the back of a Cinnamon Life Cereal box. According to Editrix, the box said Honey Graham Life is, “the newest and most surprising Life cereal yet!”

Being someone who likes surprises, except the surprise of finding out the female prostitute I hired has both sexual organs, I had to find out what was so surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal.

After eating the entire box, I have found there are three things that are surprising about it.

What’s the first thing that’s surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal?

Mikey likes it, and he doesn’t like anything. However, if you think about and look at the other things Mikey likes, him liking Life Cereal isn’t so surprising.

For example, Mikey’s favorite board game is The Game of Life. His favorite soap opera is One Life To Live. His favorite TV show of all time is The Facts of Life. He also likes reading Life Magazine. Finally, young Mikey also likes to chug down a 40-ounce of Miller High Life Beer.

What’s the second thing that’s surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal?

Despite looking almost exactly alike, it turns out that Life Cereal and Chex Cereal are in no way related.

Although I have my suspicions that Mr. Quaker and General Mills had the same cereal concubine and had several milky wet threesomes with each other, which probably led to the births of Life Cereal and Chex Cereal.

What’s the third thing that’s surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal?

Honey Graham Life Cereal didn’t taste like honey or graham. Instead it tasted like some kind of sweet vegetable, although I can’t point out which one.

However, that sweet vegetable taste was surprisingly decent, but still too weird for me to consider buying another box of Honey Graham Life Cereal.

Item: Honey Graham Life Cereal
Purchase Price: $5.99
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Big box (21 ounces). Made with whole grain for my fat ass. Low-fat. Vitamins and minerals. Mikey likes it.
Cons: Weird sweet vegetable taste. Gets soggy quick. Life and Chex are not related (or are they?).

The Oprah Magazine (June 2005 Issue)

Marvo 34 Comments

Oprah Magazine

While in high school and college, I tried to learn about the opposite sex by reading my twin sister’s Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, and Marie Claire magazines.

I even took those silly quizzes. However, now that I think about it, all I’ve learned from those quizzes were; I’m a bitch and a skanky ho.

Despite reading women’s magazines, I still wasn’t very good at impressing women in high school and college. However, looking back, the permed hair I had during those years might’ve been the reason why I wasn’t successful with women.

Recently, I picked up the June 2005 issue of The Oprah Magazine, or “O” for short, because there was an interview with Jon Stewart in it and I didn’t like the quizzes offered in the other women’s magazines.

Do I really need to know how much of a flirt I am? Or, do I need to know if my man is cheating on me? I don’t think so.

Anyway, the issue I picked up is apparently the “men’s issue,” with a lot of articles about men. However, I found out that it’s strong enough for a man, but with the tampon ads, made for woman.

After reading the magazine, I didn’t learn much about the opposite sex, but I did see some nice things to buy for a girlfriend, if I had one, and I also have a newly-discovered jealousy of women’s magazines.

I’m jealous because there are frickin’ coupons in the magazine. There’s a 3 Musketeers coupon, an All laundry detergent coupon, and TWO coupons for the McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad.

All we’ve got in men’s magazines are women in bikinis and lingerie, sports cars, and cool gadgets. Those are all great things, but why can’t we get some coupons too? I would totally dig some Burger King coupons or lap dance coupons.

Another cool thing about The Oprah Magazine is Oprah.

For a 51-year old woman, she is looking so fine. If Stedman wasn’t in her life, I’d be totally trying to mack with her.

You might think I’d only mack with her because she’s got a lot of money, but no, that wouldn’t be the case. I’d do it because I think she’s hot and maybe together we could have my wildest dream on her Wildest Dreams Bus.

Despite the interview with Jon Stewart, the coupons, and hot pictures of Oprah, there were a few things that bothered me about the magazine: The pictures of Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil is a scary-looking and scary-sounding man. Just the sight of him makes my Oprah boner turn flaccid.

Item: The Oprah Magazine (June 2005 Issue)
Purchase Price: $3.95
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ coupons! Oprah. Jon Stewart interview.
Cons: Dr. Phil is scary (and insane).

REVIEW: Post Fruity Pebbles with New Bedrock Berry Pink

Marvo 34 Comments

Oh my god, Fruity Pebbles, pink was, like, so 2004.

I don’t know if you, like, got the memo, but pink is, like, no longer the new black.

So why don’t you, like, go back home to your South Beach Diet and listen to the Usher song “Yeah!” on, like, your CD player?

Oh my god, you’re, like, so not current. I bet you, like, still call P. Diddy, Puff Daddy.

I mean, like, where have you been for the past five months? Living in, like, a cave?

Not even singer Pink likes pink anymore. I heard she’s gonna, like, change her name to Fuchia or something like that.

Oh my god, like, look at your shoes! Have you been, like, shopping from the clearance rack?

Pffff… You know what? I had those shoes in, like, 2003. But, like, a week later I donated them to Goodwill, because they, like, weren’t in style anymore. I bet that’s where you, like, got them from.

I bet you, like, also still have acid-washed jeans and Benetton clothing in your closet.

Why are you, like, adding a new color anyway? It’s not like you taste any better or look any better. You could’ve, like, added death black, vomit green, or doo-doo brown, you still will, like, taste the same.

Oh my god, like, you have so many colors anyway, Fruity Pebbles. It’s like you got caught in a tornado with, like, Elton John’s wardrobe.

Why don’t you, like, add marshmallows or something? Those are, like, so hot right now. But, like, if you don’t do it by next week, it’s gonna be, like, so not hot, like that pink outfit you’re, like, wearing.

Oh my god, how about some, like, contrast? You look like a bottle of, like, Pepto Bismol.

I think I, like, need a bottle of it right now, because I’m, like, getting nauseated from looking at how uncool you are.

Anyway, I have to, like, go, because, like, your uncoolness is, like, totally rubbing off on me. I think I have to, like, buy a whole new wardrobe because of you. And, like, I guarantee my new wardrobe won’t have, like, any pink.

Item: Post Fruity Pebbles with New Bedrock Berry Pink
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes just like normal Fruity Pebbles. There’s, like, 10 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Pink was, like, so 2004. Like, so not current. Adding, like, a new color is, like, so not hot. The game on the back of the box was, like, hard.