Category: Reviews

I’m not afraid to admit I use women’s products. For example, tampons are apparently handy when I cut myself shaving.

I don’t do it to get in touch with my feminine side. I watch the WE Network when I want to do that. I also don’t do it to impress women, because no matter what I do, I will NEVER impress women.

The reason why I use women’s products is because they usually smell better than men’s products. Smelling flowery or fruity like a woman is something I don’t mind, because compared to most of the men’s products, it’s a whole lot better.

Recently, I needed a new shampoo because I ran out and because it turns out that I have to wash my dreadlocks.

Choosing the brand and type of shampoo can be daunting, because there are more shampoo choices than there were candidates for this year’s Iraqi presidential elections. (Which was over 7,000 candidates for those of you keeping score at home.)

I decided on the feminine-looking Clairol Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo because it was the one I chose using my tried and true shampoo choosing technique, which is choosing whatever is on sale.

After purchasing the shampoo, I had second thoughts about it because I began to think about the rainforest flowers it took to create the shampoo.

With rainforests disappearing at an alarming rate, the tree-hugger in me, which is part of my feminine side, wondered why Clairol decided to use the rainforest flowers cassia, ginger flower, and banana flower.

If we run out of ginger flowers, that means we’ll run out of ginger, and if we run out of ginger, there won’t be any ginger snaps or gingerbread houses.

If we run out of banana flowers, that means we’ll run out of bananas, and if we run out of bananas, that means we’ll have to find another way to make people slip and fall for our amusement.

Finally, if we run out of cassia… Oh, what the hell am I saying? Cassia is called the bastard cinnamon, and just like all bastard things, no one will miss it if it’s gone.

Despite the use of rainforest flowers, the Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo had a nice sweet, spicy, and flowery scent, but the sensuous arousal powers of the ginger flower might have made me say that.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get an accurate measurement of how effective this shampoo was because it’s made for colored/permed/dry/damaged hair and I, according to my sexy hairstylist, have normal hair.

But the Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo didn’t change my hair’s color, didn’t make my hair fall out, and didn’t give me Nick Nolte mugshot hair, so I think it did a good job.

Item: Clairol Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo
Purchase Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Smelled nice. Cleaned my hair. No Nick Nolte mugshot hair. Ginger flower has sensuous arousal powers.
Cons: Not meant for my normal, average, and boring hair. The ginger flower’s sensuous arousal powers was negated by my lack of class and charm.

Shaving. I’ve been doing it since I was thirteen years old.

Yes, that’s kind of young to start shaving.

I don’t know if I had more hormones than other boys my age or if I’m older than I believe am, like some professional baseball players from Cuba, but what I do know is when I grow out my facial hair, I look like either the Missing Link or Robin Williams’ chest.

Growing out my facial hair isn’t a time consuming affair. My five o’clock shadow sprouts out at about noon. After one day without shaving, I look Brad Pitt-cool. After two days without shaving, I look mature. After three days without shaving, I look scruffy. After four days without shaving, my face looks like the back of my head.

Ever since college I’ve been using my trusty Gillette Mach3 razor and it has served me well over the years. The Mach3 razor, which was the first triple-blade razor ever, was the first non-disposable razor I ever used.

It was great for the first few months. Shaves were much closer and more comfortable than the crappy disposable razors. Then I ran out of razor cartridges and shortly after that I found out how frickin’ expensive replacement cartridges were. It seemed like Gillette grabbed my Mach3 razor, pointed the handle at me, and then screwed me with it.

However, the shaves were great, so I kept buying the replacement razor cartridges, like a crack addict.

Being the cheap bastard that I am, I try to make each razor cartridge last a month. I do this by shaving my face every other day, not shaving my face on the weekends, shaving my chest once a month, and shaving my…Um…No wait, that would be waaay too much information.

Recently, long-time Impulsive Buy reader Goldberry asked if I’d be interested in a free Schick Quattro Midnight razor sample she received. Again, being the cheap bastard I am and my desire to have something new happen in my lonely life, I told Goldberry I’d review it.

About two weeks later, the razor arrived in my mailbox and I almost instantly put it to the test. I planned for the razor’s arrival by not shaving for three days, and I looked like a bum.

The main feature of the Quattro is its four blades, which gives the Quattro four chances to cut my hair or four chances to make me bleed.

After my face was properly lathered up, I took my first stroke with the Quattro. The first stroke I took surprised me because it didn’t pull on any of the long hairs like my Mach3 razor does. The protective wires that run perpendicular to the blades might have had something to do with that.

When I was done, I felt like it shaved just as well as my Mach3 razor did. Although I will admit, it was a more comfortable shave.

Despite the comfortable shave, I had some problems with the Quattro. It was hard to even out my Elvis sideburns because the head of the Quattro is slightly bigger than the head of my Mach3 and I wasn’t used to its size. Also, the longer hairs would get clogged in between the blades. Dipping it in water, rinsing it under running water, or constant verbal abuse couldn’t get the hairs out.

However, I did eventually get the hair out by running my fingers masochistically down the blades several times.

Mmm…The feel of cold metal on my skin. It’s intoxicating.

Oh…What?

Anyway, a day later I shaved with the Quattro again, except with much easier stubble. It plowed through my sexy Brad Pitt-stubble just as easily as my Mach3 could and this time there wasn’t any clogging.

Overall I was pleased with the Quattro. It gave me a shave just as good as my Mach3, but did it more comfortably.

Will it replace my Mach3?

I’m not sure because the price for the Quattro’s replacement razor cartridges is slightly more expensive than the Mach3’s. Well I guess that makes sense, since the handle of the Quattro is slightly thicker, which means it’s a little more uncomfortable when I’m getting screwed with it.

(Editor’s Note: Our fellow reviewers at The Message Whore also reviewed the Schick Quattro Midnight awhile back. Their review was much less favorable. You can read their review here.)

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Item: Schick Quattro Midnight
Purchase Price: FREE (Thanks Goldberry!)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Four frickin’ blades. More comfortable shave than my Gillette Mach3. The feel of cold metal.
Cons: Longer hairs will become clogged in between blades. With four blades, it shaves just as close as my Gillette Mach3. Being screwed by razor companies.