Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Wheaties Multivitamin

Marvo 6 Comments

Wheaties Multivitamin

Oh yeah, baby! A Wheaties pill!

I knew this day would come, but I never expected it so soon. Finally, thanks to science, someone has figured out a way to condense a whole bowl of cereal into the form of a pill. It’s a frickin’ meal-in-a-pill.

It’s a frickin’ scientific breakthrough!

No need for milk, a bowl, a spoon, or a bib. No more soggy flakes. No need to recycle bowls and spoons out of the kitchen sink, because you’re too lazy to wash them. No more wasted cereal because you poured into the bowl milk that expired a week ago.

I can finally bypass the bland taste of Wheaties, but still get all the vitamins and minerals.

Oh, wait…

(Actually reads label)

Dammit! This isn’t a scientific breakthrough. It’s just a regular multivitamin, except it has the word “Wheaties” on it. Maybe I should start reading the labels on drugs before I buy them or stop taking generic NyQuil.

Damn you, generic NyQuil!

Anyway, now that I know the Wheaties Multivitamin isn’t a meal-in-a-pill, I have a lot of questions about it and I’m sure you have a lot of the same questions. So below are my attempts to answer some of those questions.

Question 1: Does it taste like Wheaties?

Answer 1: No, they taste as bitter as any multivitamin, but they kind of smell like Wheaties.

Question 2: Do they get soggy in milk as quickly as Wheaties?

Answer 2: No, they are in tablet form, so I’m going to assume they stay harder than an old man who has had one too many Levitras.

Question 3: In Answer 2, don’t you think it would’ve been better to use Viagra, instead of Levitra, since it’s a name more people recognize.

Answer 3: I think in the context of the sentence, readers will know that Levitra is a boner pill.

Question 4: Will eating Wheaties or taking Wheaties Multivitamins really help me become Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, or a gold-medal winning Olympic athlete?

Answer 4: No. Eating any cereal does not turn people into famous athletes, even if you eat them with steroids.

Question 5: What kind of vitamins and minerals come with each tablet?

Answer 5: I could list them here, but the list is so long and full of words that I don’t know how to spell or pronounce that I would literally blow my mind if I tried, and no amount of generic NyQuil will fix that.

Question 6: What makes these Wheaties Multivitamins different than other multivitamins?

Answer 6: Um, they have the word “Wheaties” etched in each tablet and they’re frickin’ huge. Oh, plus they have Lutein, Lycopene, Green Tea Extract, and Black Pepper Extract. Yes, I said Black Pepper Extract.

Question 7: Do you think my picture will ever be on a box of Wheaties or Wheaties Multivitamin?

Answer 7: If you work hard enough, stay in school, and don’t take drugs, your chances will be slightly better than someone who is lazy, got kicked out of school, and smokes the pipe everyday.

In other words, no way.

Item: Wheaties Multivitamin
Purchase Price: $5.52
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Smells like Wheaties, which I think is a good thing. Chock full of healthy stuff I can’t spell or pronounce. Stays hard in milk.
Cons: Typical multivitamin. Not the scientific breakthrough I originally thought it was.

Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Marvo 15 Comments

Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Oh Jack in the Box, when will you learn?

You can’t give your food items funny names without them getting teased. First it was Pannido? Now it’s Ciabatta? What are you trying to do, get them beat up?

Well, now that I think about it, it shouldn’t be so surprising coming from Crack in the Box…Oh, wait, I mean, Crap in the Box…I mean, Wack in the Box…

Anyway, here are a couple of examples of how poor Ciabatta could be teased:

Hakuna Ciabatta! What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Ciabatta! Ain’t no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It’s our problem-free philosophy. Hakuna Ciabatta!

Or someone could say, “Hey Ciabatta! Where’s Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon?”

If there’s anyone who knows what it’s like to have their name teased it would be me. For example, there’s Marvo the Retardo, Marvo the Bizzaro, Marvo the Lardo, Marvo the Farto…

STOP TEASING ME!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?!

STOP! STOP! I’M NOT CRYING!!!

NO, NO, NOT A WEDGIE!!!

AAAGH!!!

NO, THOSE AREN’T SKIDMARKS!!!

Oh sorry, I was having a schoolyard flashback.

Anyway, the Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta is a new sandwich with a grilled chicken breast on a lightly toasted ciabatta bun with reduced fat herb mayo, sliced tomatoes, green leaf lettuce, and red onion slices.

Of course, the highlight of the sandwich is the Ciabatta, a bread with a crispy hard crust and a soft center, which is much like regular Italian bread and my pale body when it’s been out in the sun for too long.

Unfortunately, the Ciabatta bread didn’t add anything to the taste of the sandwich. Neither did the reduced fat herb mayo. At least it’s high in protein, which will help me build some muscles on my pale body.

It’s sure a whole lot easier than shooting steroids into my ass.

Item: Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta
Purchase Price: $5.79 (small combo)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Ciabatta bread was fluffy, like hair styles from the 1980s. High in protein.
Cons: Pricey. Ciabatta bread doesn’t add to the taste. Reduced herb mayo was bland. Easy name to make fun of. Hakuna Ciabatta!

Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme

Marvo 13 Comments

Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme

Aaah, the smell of vanilla from this box of Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme, it brought back such wonderful memories.

The pleasant memory of my mother baking chocolate chip cookies on a warm, breezy Spring day. The breeze would circulate the delicious aroma of the baking cookies throughout the house. That smell would guide me from my bedroom to the kitchen, where I waited, armed with a chilled glass of milk, to devour the freshly-baked goods.

Now I’m not a fan of regular Frosted Mini-Wheats because the “wheats” part of the name makes it sound too healthy. I’m not too fond of many healthy cereals, because they just don’t taste very good.

Although with this cereal, the vanilla aroma made me think it might turn out pretty good. I quickly poured myself a bowl and added some skim milk. I took another whiff of the cereal and it reminded me of another memory.

It reminded me of a time when I made sweet, sweet love with a lover in a bath surrounded by dozens of vanilla-scented candles. The illumination from the candles reflected off of the water and our wet skin. My lover and I caressed each other, making our hearts beat as one.

We laughed as our lovemaking caused violent waves in the bath, splashing several of the candles and extinguishing them. Although the heat from those candles were no longer there, my lover and I did not notice, for we made our own heat.

Now I don’t know if that flashback took too long, but when I took that first bite of the cereal all my hopes and dreams for it quickly went out the door, like the mailman when he gets caught sleeping with someone else’s wife.

First off, the cereal was damn soggy. It’s like each Frosted Mini-Wheat was a milk sponge. Also, the wonderful vanilla aroma didn’t become a wonderful vanilla taste. If it weren’t for the frosting, this cereal wouldn’t have a redeeming quality.

Also, to add injury to insult, my jaw began to get tired from chewing on these “milk sponges.”

After I finished the bowl, I opened the box and pulled out a piece of cereal. I looked at it and wondered why something that smells so good, doesn’t taste so good. I took another whiff of the vanilla aroma and I was again reminded of another memory.

This memory involved a lover lying face down on her bed, which was covered with petals of red roses. I poured warm vanilla-scented oil on her naked back and rubbed it all over, which, along with the moonlight coming in from the window, created an elegant shine.

My hands firmly massaged her tense muscles, attempting to massage her troubles away. She moaned erotically as I pushed my thumbs up her spine. My soft lips followed my thumbs with light kisses on her back, which caused her to moan much louder.

After that flashback, I popped the cereal in my mouth. When I started chewing, I instantly realized what was wrong with the Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Cream. Milk does not do the Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme good. Without the milk, they’re damn good.

I think I just found a new way of getting some fiber in my diet.

Before closing the box, I took one last whiff of the cereal and another memory popped into my head.

This time it reminded me of the intoxicating vanilla perfume worn by a stunning woman named Kristi, who was an expert dancer. Her flexibility and strength were her greatest assets as she danced around a pole.

I told my friend, who brought me there, that Kristi smelled astounding. He replied, “Yeah, I love the Scent of a Stripper,” as he put a five dollar bill in the crotch of Kristi’s thong.

Oh wait, now that I think about it, this memory was actually a combination of a dream and an episode of HBO’s G-String Divas.

Item: Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes great when eaten straight out of box. Excellent source of fiber. Frosting. Wonderful memories with vanilla.
Cons: Gets soggy quick. Doesn’t taste good when milk is added. Chewing for a long period of time may make your jaw hurt.

REVIEW: Funyuns With Wasabi

Marvo 20 Comments

Funyuns With Wasabi

(Editor’s Note #1: It’s the final day of Reader Request Week here at the Impulsive Buy and today’s review comes from the same person who requested the first review this week, lightpinksheep. This time we will be reviewing the scary, yet intriguing Funyuns With Wasabi.

Don’t know what wasabi is? Well read on.)

(Editor’s Note #2: The following review features stunts performed either by professionals or a not-so-bright quasi-product review blog editor. Accordingly, the Impulsive Buy must insist that no one attempt to recreate or re-enact any stunt or activity performed in this review.)

Otherwise known as Japanese horseradish, wasabi is a very spicy condiment, sort of like mustard, except with wasabi, you may experience pain comparable to having your nipples twisted with metal clamps.

No wait, that actually feels kind of good.

Wasabi is so spicy that it has been known to make grown men cry. It’s green in color and is usually eaten with sushi.

To prepare for this review of Funyuns With Wasabi, I decided that I needed to remember what wasabi tastes like, because the only time I ever tried it was for a dare in college, which involved me consuming a pea-sized dollop of wasabi.

Well the experience was so traumatic, that I don’t remember what wasabi tastes like. All I remember from that is a blur of constant glasses of water and laughter directed towards me. Oh, and the dollar I earned for doing it.

The dollar was sooo not worth it.

As I said before, wasabi has been known to make grown men cry. I’m a total wuss, so imagine how much of a little crybaby I became when I put a dime-sized dollop of wasabi into my mouth to try and jolt my memory of what it tastes like.

Let me tell you, it did jolt.

After swearing like a sailor, drinking several glasses of water and milk, and wiping the tears away from my eyes, my mouth slowly returned to normal. The taste and burning sensations of wasabi are now tattooed on my brain permanently.

Now that I remembered what wasabi tastes like, I could now move forward and try these new Funyuns With Wasabi.

After I opened the bag, I could instantly smell a hint of wasabi coming from it. I gagged a little bit, but composed myself and began chomping them down.

I could definitely taste the wasabi. It’s not even close to being as strong as eating wasabi straight, but I could feel a slight spicy burn from them. I got through about one-sixth of the bag and then I had to stop. I couldn’t eat anymore, so I them gave them to my friend, who ate the rest of the bag.

He thought they were pretty good.

I guess mathematically someone in the world had to.

Item: Funyuns With Wasabi
Purchased Price: $1.29
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Unusual flavor. Waaay better than eating just wasabi. Eating wasabi straight makes for a wonderful dare or prank. My friend likes them.
Cons: The wasabi flavor is definitely not for everyone. Slight spicy burn. Leave eating straight wasabi to professionals and not-so-bright quasi-product review blog editors.

REVIEW: Full Throttle

Marvo 10 Comments

Full Throttle

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Four of Reader Request Week here at the Impulsive Buy and today’s review request come from Impulsive Buy stalker, akiko. She called me to find out if the Impulsive Buy could review the new Full Throttle energy drink. I said sure. Then I asked her, how she got my phone number and she said, “I’m a stalker, it’s what I do.” Enjoy.)

Today at the Impulsive Buy, we are going to tell you the steps to make your own energy drink.

Step One: You need a name for it. Something that signifies power and energy, like the names Red Bull, Monster, and Adrenaline do for their respective energy drinks. Maybe something like “Kick Ass,” “Aggro,” or “Steroids in a Can.”

Also, avoid names that sound like they would make a good name for a cologne.

Step Two: Sell it in a can that is smaller than normal or larger than normal. Most sodas come in a 12-ounce can, but energy drinks come in either a slightly larger 16-ounce can or a slightly smaller 8.4-ounce can. Preferably, sell it in an 8.4-ounce can and charge the same amount as your competitors’ 16-ounce can. If Red Bull can do that, why can’t you.

Also, the can should be predominantly black, because black is the new black.

Step Three: Put a cool graphic on your can. Preferably something that would look good as a tattoo. Hopefully, someone would be stupid enough, or drunk/high enough, to actually get a tattoo of your cool graphic. This way you’ll get free advertising from them for life, or until they decide to get rid of it via laser removal.

Step Four: The energy drink must have items you’ll find in a Chinese herb shop, like guarana and ginseng. Do not add items from Jamaican herb shop.

Step Five: Say, “Screw you, Dr. Atkins!” and add lots of carbohydrates and sugar.

Step Six: Make sure your energy drink is greenish, because almost every energy drink comes in some shade of green. No one knows why it’s like this, but I believe it has something to do with the Incredible Hulk.

Step Seven: Add as much caffeine as the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) will legally allow you. Enough to keep a college student awake while cramming for an exam, but not enough to make you as anxious as a crack whore.

Hopefully, if you follow these seven steps, you’ll end up with an energy drink that will be drowned out by the dozens of other energy drinks out in the market today.

This was the case with the Full Throttle energy drink, which was created by the same folks who’ve given us such great products as Coke, Vanilla Coke, Diet Coke, and other sodas with the word “Coke” in it.

If it weren’t for the Full Throttle advertising sticker on one of the doors of the convenience store’s refrigerated case, I wouldn’t have noticed them in between all the other energy drinks with their predominantly black cans and graphics that would make good tattoos.

After trying Full Throttle, I have to say there’s hardly any taste difference between it and any of the other energy drinks I’ve tasted. They all basically have almost the same citrus flavor.

Well, at least it came in a larger than normal can, instead of a smaller than normal can.

Item: Full Throttle
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Vitamin B6. Larger than normal can. Caffeine. Graphic on can would make an awesome tattoo, minus the “Energy Drink” part.
Cons: Typical energy drink. Tastes very similar to other energy drinks.