Category: Reviews

Lean Pockets Three Cheese & Chicken Quesadilla

Marvo 9 Comments

Lean Pockets Quesadilla

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

What a battle we had between the Mexican Mercenary and the Italian Stallion!

At first, it seemed like the Italian Stallion would win, thanks to the efforts of the Stallion’s tag team partner, Meatballs & Mozzarella Ultra Lean Pocket, who came in and socked the Mexican Mercenary with a metal folding chair when the referee wasn’t looking.

However, the Bacon, Egg & Cheese Lean Pocket came to the rescue of the Mexican Mercenary and slammed the Meatballs & Mozzarella Ultra Lean Pocket through the announcers table and then hit the cheater right in the meatballs with another metal folding chair.

The Mexican Mercenary eventually pulled away and finished off the Italian Stallion with his signature move, the Jalapeno Popper.

So what did the winner get?

It received the same prize as the loser, a trip to my stomach.

Now I don’t know if it’s because I ate this and totally screwed up my taste buds, but I swear the Lean Pockets Three Cheese & Chicken Quesadilla tasted like a BEEF taco.

Not like a Taco Bell/Del Taco/Taco Time (circle one) beef taco, more like those really crappy beef tacos that were served in my elementary school cafeteria or the ones I attempted to make at home after watching one too many Food Network specials about Mexican food.

I’m not too sure why it tasted like a beef taco, but my guess has something to do with the three cheeses stuffed into this Lean Pocket, which are cheddar, mozzarella, and blue cheese. That’s a lot of cheese.

Ooh, dare I say, an orgy of cheese?

You know what? I think they would sell a ton more of these if they renamed it to Lean Pockets Three Cheese Orgy & Chicken Quesadilla.

Anyway, I guess I should’ve expected the weird taste coming from a low-fat product, since that usually is the case when companies try to make healthier versions of food that’s normally bad for you. But you got to give credit to the Lean Pockets, who try so hard to be like their older sister, the original Hot Pockets.

Unfortunately, the Lean Pockets will always be known as the Hot Pockets’ less talented and less beautiful, younger sister, who also has a tendency to lip sync.

Item: Lean Pockets Three Cheese & Chicken Quesadilla
Purchase Price: $2.25 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Low fat. Three frickin’ cheeses! It’s an orgy of cheeses! Excellent source of calcium, protein, and fiber.
Cons: Tasted like beef tacos, which would be a good thing, if there was actually any beef in it. May not be liked by those who don’t approve of orgies. Less talented and not as pretty as original Hot Pockets.

REVIEW: Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn

Marvo 23 Comments

Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn

The ONLY things I like to put on top of my popcorn are salt and artery-clogging buttah. Call me a purist. Call me vanilla. Call me Plain Jane. Call me your daddy. I just like my popcorn that way.

Recently, while checking out chips in the snack aisle, my peripheral vision noticed the new Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn.

“Oh, dude, that sounds gross,” I thought to myself.

Then I thought, “Gross enough to be the PERFECT item to review.”

The popcorn is flavored with a cinnamon buttah and comes with a pouch of Cinnabon frosting, which you pour on top of the popcorn. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Of course, I could think of another use for that Cinnabon frosting, but I don’t have a lady-friend at the moment.

The first thing I noticed after opening the box was the fact that there were only TWO bags in the box. This surprised me because I could’ve sworn most boxes of microwave popcorn have four bags.

Anyway, after sticking a bag in the microwave and not burning it, I have to say that this is the first product EVER that originally made me nauseous, but I learned to love. Um, sort of like, Celine Dion.

Oh, wait. It’s the other way around. I loved Celine Dion, but I eventually became nauseous of her.

No, no, no, that’s not right. Um, Celine Dion has always made me nauseous?

Oh yeah, that’s right, she has.

Anyway, while the popcorn was popping, the cinnamon aroma of it filled the room and made me a little nauseous. However, after I added the Cinnabon frosting and began chowing it down, I felt a lot better. I guess this was due to the fact that the popcorn was actually pretty good and I couldn’t stop eating it.

Thank goodness for the show Strange Love on VH1. Seeing Brigitte Neilsen and Flavor Flav’s naked bodies instantly made me nauseous again and stop eating.

Because it was a Cinnabon-related product, I was hoping for a gooey mess, but all I got were Cinnabon-smelling fingers, which turned out to be frustrating.

Hours after eating the Cinnabon Popcorn, despite washing my hands several times, my fingers still smelled like Cinnabons. Although, during those several times, I did use the cheap stuff (i.e. generic Wally World hand soap).

However, when I used the good stuff (i.e. Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash), which I only use for special occasions, the smell was replaced with the aroma of Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash.

I wonder how many times I would have to type Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash to get free stuff from Method?

Item: Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: ONLY TWO BAGS IN A BOX. Not as sticky or messy as actual Cinnabons. Originally made me nauseous, but they are damn good.
Cons: Smell lingers on your fingers, unless you use Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash (Come on! Send some free stuff, baby!). Celine Dion and Strange Love (shutter).

Hefty HandySaks

Marvo 34 Comments

Hefty HandySaks

Being the editor of a quasi-product review blog, I feel it is sometimes my duty to be an advocate for consumers. Today, it is one of those times, as I determine whether or not Hefty is lying to us.

According to the packaging for their HandySaks, they have “101 On The Go Uses.”

How can a product have 101 uses? I can’t think of another product that even comes close to that many uses. For example, a condom. With it you can have protected sex, make water balloons, pull it over your head and try to blow it up, stick it on a doorknob as a practical joke, make condom animals, and that’s about it.

I’m thinking Hefty said “101 uses” because they figured no one in their right mind would actually try to come up with 101 uses.

Hello, Hefty, I am no one in their right mind.

So for the past couple of hours, I have tried to come up with as many uses for these HandySaks as possible.

Here’s what I have:

  1. Trash bag
  2. Head cover for the ugly person you’re having sex with
  3. Barf bag
  4. Walrus condom
  5. Plastic overalls for a child
  6. Shower cap
  7. The worst mask you could ever use to rob a bank
  8. Cheapest bowling ball bag EVER
  9. Drool collector
  10. Deadly weapon
  11. Worst replacement for car airbag
  12. Dog muzzle
  13. Ineffective umbrella
  14. Something contestants must eat during Fear Factor episode
  15. Imaginary friend
  16. Dandruff catcher
  17. Bib
  18. Portable Potty
  19. Barbie parachute
  20. Cell phone static sound maker
  21. Blindfold
  22. Elephant condom
  23. Noisy bra stuffer
  24. Dog poop collector
  25. Temporary aquarium
  26. Hide porn purchases
  27. Unsafe ghost costume for children
  28. Replacement KKK hood
  29. Tank top
  30. Clothes hamper
  31. Worst balloon ever at the Macy’s Day Parade
  32. Surrender flag
  33. Ashlee Simpson muzzle
  34. Punching bag
  35. Replacement for feather in the next Forrest Gump movie
  36. A place to stash your weed
  37. Diaper bag
  38. Something to put on your doorknob to let your roommate know you’re getting it on
  39. Hobo purse
  40. Chihuahua carrier
  41. Horse condom
  42. Water bucket

  43. Noisy crotch stuffer
  44. Fog camouflage
  45. Bonnet
  46. Protect bald heads from sunlight
  47. Cheap fake Santa beard
  48. Wind measurer
  49. Michael Jackson face mask
  50. Trash
  51. Armpit sweat collectors
  52. Floatation device
  53. Dishwashing gloves
  54. Bondage toy
  55. Environmental hazard
  56. The new tumbleweed
  57. The new black
  58. Sea life strangler
  59. Hyperventilation aid
  60. American Idol contestant
  61. A cloud in a diorama
  62. Corny car antenna decoration
  63. Marvo condom
  64. A place to store old toenail clippings
  65. Temporary Underwater Breathing Apparatus (TUBA) (Thanks Lou)
  66. Hobo shoes (Thanks Lou)
  67. Sack for sack races (Thanks Lou)
  68. Hang it on wall and use it as a shelf-sack (Thanks Lou)
  69. Backpack (Thanks Lou)
  70. Wedding favors (Thanks Mir)
  71. Insulation (Thanks frymaster)
  72. Balloon (Thanks jenny)
  73. Ghetto Car Windshield (Thanks Damon)
  74. A bag to stick bags into (Thanks Mellie)
  75. Ghetto car bra (Thanks Webmiztris)
  76. Ugly dress (Thanks Webmiztris)
  77. Put under sheets to protect mattress from pee stains (Thanks Webmiztris)
  78. Keep your feet dry when you’re wearing leaky boots (Thanks Webmiztris)
  79. Suitcase substitute for poor people (Thanks Webmiztris)
  80. Big Foot’s Socks (Thanks Goldberry)
  81. Grape squishing shoes (Thanks Goldberry)
  82. Vet gloves (before they stuff their arms into a horse) (Thanks Goldberry)
  83. A pocket bib (Thanks Goldberry)
  84. Granny Panties (Thanks Goldberry)
  85. A jump rope out of ALL the bags in the package (Thanks Goldberry)

As you can see, I came up with only 64 uses, which is still a lot, but not the 101 uses Hefty advertised. Maybe I’m just lazy and there are many more uses for it.

Well let’s find out. Can you come up with more uses?

Update: Okay, okay, okay. Apparently, there ARE over 101 uses for these Hefty HandySaks. I’ll admit Hefty, I was wrong and you were right. I’m sorry, I will never doubt you again. You ARE waaaay better than Glad.

Item: Hefty HandySaks
Purchase Price: $1.04
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Loose-change-in-couch-cheap. Handy. Condensed. Lots of uses.
Cons: Bags are shaped weird. Lots of uses, but not 101 uses.

Terra Potpourri Potato Chips

Marvo 13 Comments

Terra Potpourri

I first heard about Terra potato chips during the Food Network show Unwrapped, which I only watch for the commercials, so I can see network promos with that babe Rachael Ray.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader Janet emailed me to find out what I thought of Terra potato chips. Unfortunately, I’ve never had them before.

So I decided that my new goal in life was to try Terra potato chips. Of course, I started on that goal after I was done watching a one-hour block of Rachael Ray shows and blew out the candles to my Rachael Ray shrine.

When I went to go look for them, I couldn’t find them in any of the usual places I shop, like the national grocery store chain, the locally-owned grocery store chain, the national convenience store chain down the street, the international superstore behemoth, the other locally-owned grocery store chain that losing business to the international superstore behemoth, and the convenience store at the corner that sells tobacco, alcohol, and Playboy to minors.

Since I was disappointed I couldn’t find any Terra chips, I decided to drink away another one of my failures with a Slurpee. Little did I know that my Slurpee run would lead me to discover the answer to my problem.

As I walked out of the convenience store, sucking on a Mountain Dew Slurpee, I looked up and stared at the natural foods store across the street.

Suddenly, a lightbulb turned on in my head and I realized the natural foods store would probably carry Terra potato chips. After all, there aren’t many words that sound more natural than “Terra.”

However, the bright lightbulb suddenly shattered as I realized I had to actually go into a natural foods store. This bothered me because I’m scared of the people who shop and work at natural food stores.

Why? I’ll give you a couple of examples.

I usually have to pass the natural foods store whenever I want to go to my favorite Chinese restaurant. When I do, I notice that some of the people who go into the store are people who like EVERYTHING all-natural, including body odor, which doesn’t smell good in areas with 80 percent humidity.

Another example involved my friend, when she was checking out at another natural foods store. When my friend pulled out her leather Coach wallet to pay for her natural groceries, she was suddenly interrogated by the cashier.

“Is that leather?” the cashier asked in a holier-than-thou tone.

“Yes, it is,” my friend replied.

“Really…” the cashier said and then followed that with a rant about how inhumane cows are treated and why my friend should have a hemp wallet instead.

My friend was so traumatized by the experience that she hasn’t stepped into a natural foods store or eaten tofu since.

Oh crap, this review is getting long. Okay, long story short.

Went into the natural foods store, passed by a smelly “all-natural” person, noticed the store had Terra chips, picked up a bag of Terra Potpourri, waited in line behind previously mentioned “all-natural” smelly person, held my breath, paid for Terra chips, walked out of natural foods store, and then took many deep breaths of fresh, clean air.

When I got home, I opened the bag and saw the most beautiful potato chips I had ever seen. It was a radiant potpourri of orange sweet potato chips, yellow Yukon Gold potato chips, Terra Blues potato chips, Huckleberry Red and Red Thumb potato chips.

They were not only beautiful and colorful, they were also damn tasty. They were probably the best potato chips I’ve ever had and if you’ve seen my gut, you’d know I’ve eaten a lot of potato chips in my lifetime.

If the Terra Potpourri potato chips were cheaper than the $3.39 for a small five-ounce bag, I would brave the smelly folks at the natural foods store every other day to buy more.

Item: Terra Potpourri Potato Chips
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn tasty! Addictive. Thick potato chips. Colorful and beautiful, like rolling fields of tulips and roses below clear blue sky on a breezy Spring day.
Cons: Bag is kind of small. Pricey for small bag. Really shiny bags. Might face “all-natural” folks at natural foods store.

Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima

Marvo 14 Comments

Slim-Fast Optima

For something so small, I’m surprised Slim-Fast could fit so much into their Chocolate Cookie Dough Optima meal bar.

How did they fit over 22 vitamins and minerals into such a small bar? Look how much stuff they had to fit in there: Sodium, Potassium, Protein, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin K, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin B12, Biotin, Phosphorus, Iodine, Magnesium, Zinc, Selenium, Chromium, and Molybdenum.

I’m sure they could’ve crammed more of the periodic table into it, but Lead (Pb) could kill us and Gold (Au) looks the same going out as it does going in. (Sorry, too many experiences with Goldschlager.)

Actually, now that I think about, if anyone could concentrate a whole meal into something the size of a candy bar, it would be Slim-Fast. After all, they did fit a meal into a can with their delicious and nutritious shakes that I would drink once at breakfast, once at lunch, and then eat a sensible dinner, during my “husky” years.

Anyway, I was curious to try the Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima bar, not because I’m a sucker for things that are cookie dough flavored, but because I wanted to know if I could eat ONLY an Optima bar for lunch and be satisfied. After all, they call it a MEAL bar.

Below the wrapper, the Optima bar looked like and smelled like a regular chocolate candy bar. When I took a bite, it was soft, like I was eating a 3 Musketeers, except with chocolate chips in it. (Damn, that sounds good. Someone should do that with the actual 3 Musketeers.)

It wasn’t as sweet as a 3 Musketeers, but it was pretty good for something with the words “Slim-Fast” printing on it.

Now eating it was the easy part, but making it the only thing I could eat for a meal, that was hard.

It was hard because, seriously, who gets full after eating a candy bar?

I think Slim-Fast has this whole serving size thing wrong.

They should make the serving sizes bigger and have it contain the same amount of nutrients as their bars and shakes. I figure if Slim-Fast could cram over 22 vitamins and minerals into a four-inch long candy bar, they could easily spread it out into something bigger.

Why do this?

Think about it. After you eat a small candy bar, you’ll probably say to yourself, “That was good, but it was so small. I think I’ll have another.”

However, what if that candy bar was now the size of a pie?

If you eat a whole pie, unless you’re competing in a pie-eating contest, you’re probably going to think, while dry heaving, “Oh, damn! I can’t believe I ate a whole frickin’ pie. Dude, if I eat anymore I’m gonna puke.”

Mentally and physically, a pie will satisfy a person’s hunger much better than a candy bar. Unless they’re morbidly obese or have a very serious case of the munchies.

Anyway, fifteen minutes after consuming the Chocolate Cookie Dough Optima bar, I was hungry again and thought about eating the second Optima bar I bought. I thought that maybe two bars would be able to satisfy my hunger.

However, just as I was about to open the second Optima bar, I fortunately noticed the following words on the wrapper: “Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.”

After reading that, I placed the Optima bar back into the cabinet and I no longer had the urge to eat anything else.

So I guess just one Optima bar WAS enough for lunch.

Item: Chocolate Cookie Dough Slim-Fast Optima
Purchase Price: $1.49 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: 22 Vitamins & Minerals. Meal replacement. Chocolate. “Excess consumption may have a laxative effect” warning in nice big, bold letters.
Cons: Kind of small. Excess consumption may have a laxative effect.