Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal

Marvo 12 Comments

peanutbuttertoast

This review WAS going to start off about how I love peanut butter and how I go through a bottle every three weeks.

Then I WAS going to say something about how you may think I like peanut butter because it’s something I enjoy licking off of a woman.

Then I WAS going to say that I don’t like to lick peanut butter off of a woman’s body, because I’ve tried it and the smell of the peanut butter sort of turns me off.

Then I WAS going to say that the only things I’m willing to lick off of a woman’s body are canned whipped cream, pudding, Cool Whip, chocolate syrup, and ice cream.

Finally, I WAS going to say how I’m definitely not willing to lick peanut butter or canned cheese off of any woman’s body, even if it’s Winona Ryder’s.

I WAS going to say all of that, but then I realized that several reviews over the past month have been very sexual in nature. Hmm…Let’s see, there was the cookie porn in the Chips Ahoy Cremewiches review, the phallic nature of the Tootsie Pop Spy Stix review, the viewing of hot corn in the review for Firefox 1.0, and the licking of pudding off of woman’s body in the Jello Oreo Instant Pudding review.

Since I don’t want to seem like a perverted product reviewer, today’s review will be Rated G. It will be a nice and wholesome review. A review that the whole family can read and enjoy…except the beginning part about licking peanut butter off of a woman’s body.

So here it goes.

Today’s review subject is Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal from fine people at General Mills. Yes, it’s the same wonderful folks who brought us the popular and delicious Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal.

I’m surprised by how long it took for them to come up with this inspired idea. Peanut butter toast is something I have long enjoyed. As a matter of fact, I’m consuming some scrumptious peanut butter toast right now as I type this fascinating review.

Despite my affections for the quite delectable peanut butter toast, I do not feel the same about peanut butter-flavored cold breakfast cereals, like Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch. These cereals don’t have an authentic peanut butter flavor, which disappoints me quite dearly. I was hoping that the new Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal could overcome this obstacle, which had plagued its predecessors.

Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal could not meet the difficult challenge of appeasing my delicate palate. Its meager attempt at authentic peanut butter flavor fell quite short and has disenchanted me further from peanut butter-flavored cereals.

If there was one thing that I found quite impressive with this cereal it would be the fact that it stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. But we don’t buy cereal for its ability to stay crunchy, we buy cereal for its flavor and this cereal, my loyal readers, has greatly disappointed me.

Peanut butter is still magnificent for spreading on toast, but not so splendid for breakfast cereals…and licking off of a woman’s body.

Item: Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal
Purchase Price: $3.09 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Stays crunchy in milk for a respectable amount of time.
Cons: Doesn’t really have an authentic peanut butter flavor. PB not good for licking off of a woman’s body.

REVIEW: Chips Ahoy Cremewiches

Marvo 24 Comments

Chips Ahoy Cremewiches

Once upon a time there was a chocolate chip cookie named Chips Ahoy, who wondered if there was someone special out there for him. He had dated a few other chocolate chip cookies, like Mrs. Fields, but he felt they were too similar to him. Chips Ahoy wanted someone different, maybe someone with M&M’s or white chocolate chips, instead of the regular chocolate chips he had.

While standing out on the edge of the shelf one evening, he noticed someone on the shelf below him. Chips Ahoy knew that it wasn’t a chocolate chip cookie and decided to take a closer look. He climbed down to the shelf below and hid behind a box of graham crackers.

Chips Ahoy slowly peeked out from behind the box to take a look at the stranger.

“Oh my goodness,” Chips Ahoy thought to himself. “She’s beautiful.”

He couldn’t stop looking at her big round dark colored cookies and her lovely white creamy center.

Attracted to her beauty, Chips Ahoy came out from behind the graham crackers and walked towards the beautiful stranger.

“Excuse me,” he said to get her attention.

The beautiful stranger turned around and was surprised by the sight of Chips Ahoy. She had never seen a cookie that big before.

“Who are you?” she said as she stared at his crunchy body.

“I’m Chips Ahoy and I think you’re the most delicious cookie I’ve ever seen,” he exclaimed. “What’s your name?”

“M-m-my name is Oreo,” she said excitingly.

Oreo had never heard any other cookie say such a thing to her. His flattery made her heart flutter and she began to fall in love with Chips Ahoy.

He came closer to Oreo and whispered to her, “I have fallen for you and it appears you have fallen for me.”

“But…” she said, as she turned away from him. “As much as we adore each other, we can’t be together.”

Oreo knew that they could never be together, because it was taboo in the cookie world to mix. They would be looked down upon by not only the other Chips Ahoy and Oreos, but also the Fig Newtons, Nutter Butters, Teddy Grahams, and all the others.

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” Chips Ahoy said as he turned Oreo back towards him.

He looked intensely at her and said, “All that matters is what you and I think.”

Taken by his strong statement, Oreo led Chips Ahoy to a secluded area on the shelf, behind the Pepperidge Farms Goldfish.

Once they were safely hidden, Chips Ahoy grabbed Oreo and began passionately licking her white creamy center. Oreo had never felt anything so good before.

After a few minutes, Oreo wanted to return the favor, so she began nibbling on Chips Ahoy’s chocolate chips. Then things got really hot and heavy between the two of them and crumbs began flying everywhere.

(Editor’s Note: I could be explicit here, but I REALLY don’t want an NC-17 rating for this post. Besides it’s more fun if you use your imagination.)

After that night of passion, Oreo soon learned that she was pregnant.

For nine months, Chips Ahoy and Oreo were afraid of what their child would look like. But when it was born, it turned out to be a beautiful combination of each cookie. It had the creamy white center of Oreo, sandwiched between two smaller Chips Ahoy.

They quickly decided to name their child Chips Ahoy Cremewich.

Then just like a scene from Nature on PBS, they began eating their child.

They were surprised how good Chips Ahoy Cremewich tasted. It was damn good. So good that they wished they hooked up sooner. After they were done eating, they had more hot cookie sex and made more Chips Ahoy Cremewiches.

And that’s how the Chips Ahoy Cremewiches were created.

Item: Chips Ahoy Cremewiches
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Brings together the best of Oreos and Chips Ahoy. Damn good. Sometimes all you need is love.
Cons: Formed from intercookie breeding (It seemed so wrong, but yet seemed so right).

REVIEW: Hershey’s Take 5

Marvo 11 Comments

Take5

Wow. I just realized something.

The Impulsive Buy rarely ever reviews candy bars. Take a look at the archives. We’ve only reviewed the M-Azing candy bar.

Although, if you could see my ass, you would think I’ve reviewed a whole lot more.

To those of you who actually looked at the archives, you might have noticed the EcoBar we reviewed in September. All I have to say about that is, anything with the word “Eco” in it will never be considered a candy bar.

The other week, we were told about a new candy called Take 5 from Hershey’s. It contained the combination of pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, and milk chocolate (Get it, five ingredients. Take 5.)

At first we didn’t believe it because we thought it was impossible to fit all of that into a candy bar. But then we thought if Star Jones could fit in her wedding dress, anything was possible.

I went to the convenience store down the street to see if they had Take 5 in stock. Fortunately, they did and they were 2 for $1.

(Get ready for the REALLY lame pun.)

The Take 5 were so cheap that I took four.

(Yeah, worse pun EVER!)

After opening the wrapper, I saw two chocolate-covered pieces about the same size as a pretzel. I took a bite out of one of the pieces and thought it was pretty good. All of the ingredients created a nice mixture of sweet and salty. They were so good, that if I ever wanted to turn into Star Jones, I would do it by eating a whole bunch of these.

Despite them being really good, there’s one thing that bothers me about the Take 5 and I’m going to direct my attention towards the last Take 5 I have.

Wassup, Take 5! Why you gotta be a hater for?

Where the hell is the nouGAT at?

Nougat is good enough for a 3 Musketeers, but it isn’t good enough for a Take 5?

I’m sorry almighty bar of milk chocolate, pretzels, caramel, peanuts, and peanut butter, you’re too good for nougat.

Also, why aren’t you showing any love for almonds, rice crisps, white chocolate, granola, and coconut?

Oh wait, screw coconut. I hate coconut.

Come on you’ve got peanut butter AND peanuts. Don’t you think that’s a little overkill?

Why can’t you have nougat and/or rice crisps and be called Take 6 or Take 7, huh?

Damn hater.

Item: Hershey’s Take 5
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Nice mixture of sweet and salty. Nice mixture of crunchy and chewy.
Cons: Hater. Where’s the nougat at?

REVIEW: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology

Marvo 14 Comments

vtech

Oh if only my 900 Mhz cordless phone could talk, imagine the stories it could tell.

All the telemarketers trying to sign me up for credit cards, companies asking me to take a survey that they say ONLY takes 15 minutes (but takes 45 minutes), arguments with my parents about getting a job, 1-900 numbers I found on various restroom walls, and the wrong numbers I got from the girls I’ve met at bars, nightclubs, and bookstores.

Unfortunately, that phone died the other week, after five long years. I think it was it’s time to go, but I also think it was probably tired of hearing me utter the words, “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

So I needed a new phone, but I didn’t want something fancy (i.e. expensive). I just needed a cordless phone that can handle the rigors of excessive $3.50-for-the-first-minute-and-$1.50-for-each-additional-minute phone calls.

To find that phone I went to everyone’s favorite small-business-destroying everyday-low-prices behemoth (shudder) and came out with the V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology, which has to be the most unappealing name for a product ever.

Okay, not as unappealing as Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit (Now With 25% More Skank).

So what’s so special about a 5.8 Ghz phone? I could go into detail using whatever words “smart science people” use, but I’d be boring you with big words like “spectrum,” “frequency,” and “wavelength.”

Instead, I’m just going to say that the “smart science people” state that 5.8 Ghz phone technology will increase sound quality, enhanced range, and heightened security.

One of the best things about the V-Tech phone is the speakerphone on the handset. It comes in pretty handy when you REALLY don’t want to listen to someone talk.

Just place the handset on the table and let them ramble about how their boyfriend/girlfriend sucks, how crazy the shopping malls are, how they’re addicted to every CSI show, and how Scott Peterson should be put in the electric chair, while being given a lethal injection in a gas chamber with flesh-eating beetles.

While they jibber jabber, do whatever you want (eat, watch television, read blogs, or play with your Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit), but just remember to say every so often any of the following phrases. “Yes.” “Uh huh.” “Okay.” “That’s funny.” “Say what?” “No way.” “That bitch.” “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

Despite other great things about the phone, like the LCD screen and the buttons that light up, there were a few things that bothered me about it. For starters, the battery gets really warm while charging. Also, the sound quality isn’t that great because those who I talked to say I sound like I’m in a hallway.

Plus, there’s no speed dial. Instead there’s a phone book feature that allows you to scroll through the various numbers saved on the phone. This has been proven to be a pain when quickly scrolling through the phone book and accidentally dialing 1-900-BIG-BLND, when I really wanted 1-900-BIG-BRUN.

There’s a big difference, you know.

Item: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology
Purchase Price: $53.72 (Everyday Low Price)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Speakerphone on handset. LCD screen. Buttons that light up.
Cons: Battery gets warm when charging. When talking, it sounds like I’m in a hallway. No speed dial.

Vintage Fruit Refreshers

Marvo 1 Comment

VFR Lemonade

I usually don’t like those flavored water beverages, but when it comes to lemonade and its ilk, I can’t resist.

There’s something about the tartness and the sweetness blended to perfection. Now I understand when guys say they want a ‘sweet girl,’ but still chase the chick in the mini-skirt.

Anyway, my mom’s been buying these Vintage Fruit Refreshers for months, and even though they have lots of flavors (Peach Citrus, Strawberry Kiwi, Cherry Lime, etc.), the lemonade is the one I usually swipe from the bag before she puts them into the trunk of the car.

They’re really good, considering they’re calorie free, caffeine free, sugar free, zero carbs water drinks.

It maybe water, but they come in colors. The last time I checked, drinking water does not come in colors, except possibly brown in third world countries.

But the color comes in handy, because with regular clear water, glasses can get mixed up and you might be drinking the water from someone’s glass you REALLY don’t want drink from. Cooties can be spread that way, ya know. With the Vintage Fruit Refreshers, you don’t have that problem.

They also make the ideal drink to have around the house when your kids want something besides water. Well, it’s water, but… Forget it.

You may not think it won’t taste good because it’s water, but when you actually taste it, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I let my friend taste the Peach Citrus flavor just the other day, and she’s now hooked.

Her exact words were, “I could get down on that Peach one.” Whatever that means.

The lemonade totally kicks its butt.

As far as getting them, I usually end up shopping with my mother, just so I can get one. I haven’t actually seen which aisle they’re in; they seem to magically appear in the shopping cart.

But once they’re in the cart, I’m glad they’re there. Yum.

Item: Vintage Fruit Refreshers
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.19
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No calories or carbs (if you care). Two sizes (20 oz, 1 liter). Lots of flavors to choose from, but the lemonade flavor is addicting. It has colors, so you know the difference without sipping from 3 different cups.
Cons: Can’t find the right aisle, so I have to shop with my mom to get them. Has an aftertaste.