Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Fries

Marvo 13 Comments

Ore-Ida Easy Fries

Usually I’m skeptical about things that are easy, because I’m afraid they either aren’t easy or they carry some kind of sexually transmitted disease.

So I was obviously a little cynical about these Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Fries I picked up from the national grocery store chain I shop at, but I figured I could take a risk since they were only a dollar.

Actually I bought two boxes of the Easy Fries because I’ve been known on occasion to mess up microwave foods. For example, I’ve caused many Hot Pockets to erupt like they were high school science fair projects. Also, I’ve burnt more bags of microwave popcorn than I’d like to admit.

When I got home from the store, I decided to make one of the boxes of Easy Fries.

When crisping microwave foods, there’s usually some kind of crisping sleeve made out of some gray material. With the Easy Fries, the entire box they came in was the crisping sleeve. A layer of the gray crisping material was on both sides of the interior of the box.

The instructions for crisping were simple. Just flip the box over, tear out the back cover of the box (which was perforated for easy removal), and take the back cover and lay it directly on top of the frozen fries. Then just stick the box in the microwave for four minutes.

After the four minutes were up, I let the box sit in the microwave for about a minute more to cool down. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve burnt my fingers by accidentally touching the gray crisping material because I was so eager to eat.

When the fries were ready to eat, I found that I had a big problem. I didn’t have ketchup. This was a problem because it’s one of the ways I get vegetables into my diet.

Well I did without the ketchup and began eating the fries naked. (No, I wasn’t naked. I meant the fries.)

The crisping results varied, with the skinnier fries being crispier than the thicker fries. As for the taste, I have to say that they’re the best tasting microwave fries I’ve ever had, but then again they’re the only microwave fries I’ve ever had. However, the taste is definitely not even close to those frozen fries made in a conventional oven.

But in this case, I’ll take speed over quality, since it takes about 25-30 minutes to make fries in a conventional oven.

Since I was slightly disappointed with the crisping results, I thought about sticking the second box I bought into the microwave for longer than the instructed four minutes. However, I didn’t because I was afraid of ruining them in the microwave, or what’s slowly being called among my friends as, “Marvo-tizing the food.”

Item: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Fries
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cheap. Get fries in four quick minutes. Best microwave fries I’ve ever had, but then again they’re the only microwave fries I’ve ever had.
Cons: Crisping results vary. No ketchup, need to buy ketchup or steal some from the Burger King down the street.

All Revitalizer Cloths

Marvo 15 Comments

All Revitalizer Cloths

Last night was the first and only time I really wanted soooo badly to be around smokers to inhale second-hand smoke.

It all started when I was asked by a friend if I wanted to go to the finals of an ultimate bartending competition at this place.

At first, I wasn’t interested because I have this fear of situations where there is a pretty good possibility of getting hit square in the face by a glass bottle. However, after thinking about it for a moment, I realized that it would be a great opportunity to see if these All Revitalizer Cloths can refresh my clothes after being around smokers.

Editor’s Note: Going to the bartending competition was also the reason why this review was a little late today.

The purpose of the All Revitalizer Cloths is to refresh the clothes you’ve only worn for a few of hours and don’t want to wash because you’ve only worn them for a few of hours. In other words, it’s for those clothes that you want to wear recycle.

Okay, subjecting my clothes to cigarette smoke was an extreme scenario, but it did give me a good reason to get out of the apartment and become a social butterfly, instead of an antisocial cocoon.

So I decided to go to the competition, but when my friend and I got there at 10:30pm, the place was kind of empty. The competition didn’t start until 11pm and for the first hour there were no smokers around me. This greatly disappointed me.

However, suddenly this beautiful, busty brunette with a lit cigarette in between her fingers approached me. When I looked at her, she pointed at me for some reason. Then she did it again.

Was she flirting with me?

She came closer and with her free hand, she placed it on my shoulder.

I thought to myself, “Damn, I’m hott! This woman is totally flirting with me.”

Then she removed her hand, grabbed the ashtray that was behind me, and then turned around.

I’m soooo NOT hott.

Well at least I had an opportunity to be around second-hand smoke.

Eventually the place got a bit more crowded and a couple more smokers moved into the area where I was being soooo NOT hott.

At about 2:30am, my friend and I left the club. When I got home, I stripped off my clothes and stuck it in the dryer with one of the moist All Revitalizer Cloths.

Twenty minutes later, I pulled my clothes out and took a whiff. Overall it does a decent job in refreshing my clothing. My shirt had a light citrus scent, but I also could still smell a hint of cigarette smoke. The pants I wore also had a light citrus scent, but I couldn’t smell any hint of smoke. As for my underwear, it didn’t matter because I didn’t wear any.

So while hanging up my clothes, I wondered about other situations where the All Revitalizer Cloths would come in handy.

I could only think of one group of people who these would also come in handy for: People having affairs.

Think about it. If you’re having a wild sex romp in the back seat of your car, some of the cologne/perfume the other person is wearing will probably rub onto you and your clothing. The scent that rubs onto you is easy to hide, but the scent that rubs onto your clothing isn’t.

You could just wash the clothes, but that might make your significant other suspicious, since they might be wondering why you’re doing laundry in the middle of dinner. Or you could burn the clothes, but buying new clothes every other day can get pretty expensive.

So I think the All Revitalizer Cloths is a discreet and inexpensive way to hide your affairs.

Item: All Revitalizer Cloths
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice light scent. Easy to use. Discreet and inexpensive way to hide affairs.
Cons: Can’t use with large loads of clothes, seven items max. Mixed results.
Standing naked in front of a dryer waiting for clothes is soooo NOT hott.

REVIEW: Gerber Macaroni & Beef Lil’ Entrees

Marvo 15 Comments

Lil' Entrees

Holy crap! Since when have there been TV dinners for toddlers?

Gerber, the Microsoft of baby foods, has created microwavable TV dinners called Lil’ Entrees. I believe it’s made for those toddlers who are too tired from drooling, crawling around, chewing on toys, and sucking on boobs to make their own dinners.

Actually, I didn’t know toddlers had the motor skills to work a microwave or the ability to read instructions with their very limited vocabulary, consisting of the words, “goo-goo” and “ga-ga.”

The Lil’ Entrees come in a variety of flavors: Chicken Stew with Noodles & Green Bean Dices, Turkey & Green Bean Dices with Sweet Potatoes, Spaghetti & Mini Meatballs in Sauce with Green Bean Dices, Pasta Wheel Pick-Ups & Chicken with Carrot Dices, and Macaroni & Beef in Sauce with Carrot Dices.

I decided to pick up the Macaroni & Beef in Sauce with Carrot Dices because it was the one that looked the least disgusting and I HATE green beans, along with coconuts and playa hater.

The first thing I noticed about the Lil’ Entrees was the fact that the portions were REALLY small, which is a good thing. Why, you ask?

I don’t have kids yet, but I have a theory when it comes to food and toddlers, and you parents can correct me if I’m wrong: The smaller the portions, the smaller the poop and the smaller the poop, the easier it is to clean up.

The servings are definitely enough for a toddler, but what about adults and this kid.

Well after eating a Lil’ Entrees I have to say it would fill me up, if I was on some Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers plan. However, I’m not and I was still hungry after eating the Lil’ Entrees, so I also made myself a sandwich, heated up some canned corn chowder, ate some Thin Mints, and then washed it all down with a tall root beer float with whipped cream on top.

So how does the Macaroni & Beef Lil’ Entrees taste?

Well the carrots were too soggy, but the macaroni and beef was actually kind of tasty. It was like Chef Boyardee, except without the aluminum can taste. Not bad for not having any preservatives or artificial flavors.

One of the things that sucked about the Lil’ Entrees was the fact it didn’t have a dessert. How can you have a TV dinner without the dessert? Sure, I don’t know of many people who actually eat the apple or cranberry crumb dessert, but the toddlers might eat it because they don’t know better.

Another issue I had with the Lil’ Entrees was the heating time. The directions said I should stick it in the microwave for 30 seconds. However, heating it for 30 seconds didn’t heat the food well enough.

So would I give Lil’ Entrees to a toddler, if I had a toddler (or if I suddenly found out I had a toddler, due to a night of complete drunkenness)?

Well if they can work a microwave oven and read instructions, I say why not.

It’s less work for me.

Item: Gerber Macaroni & Beef Lil’ Entrees
Purchase Price: $2.39
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Perfect for the busy, on-the-go life of toddlers. Small portions means small poop. Macaroni & Beef in Sauce was kind of tasty.
Cons: Not enough food for a grown-up. Carrots were waaay too soggy. Heating instructions not accurate.

Apple iLife ‘05

Marvo 8 Comments

iLife ‘05

I’m sure all of you have faced the following situation: Having waaaay too much porn.

You know what it’s like with gigabytes of pictures and movies. There’s so much of it that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I’m sure you have labeled folders all over the place full of porn and so did I. However, thanks to iLife ’05 that has all changed.

If you’re a Mac user you’re probably familiar with iLife, which is a suite of Mac-only software used to create, organize, edit, and share your digital media (photos, music, video, etc). If you have iLife, you’ve probably used it to organize and edit things like your family vacation pictures or your child’s birthday videos.

But I’ve learned it’s also great for organizing porn.

iLife ’05 consists of five applications:

1. iMovie HD – Used for editing digital video
2. iPhoto 5 – Used for organizing, editing, and printing digital photos
3. iDVD 5 – Used for burning dynamic DVDs
4. iTunes 4.7 – Used for managing your legal and illegal music files
5. GarageBand 2 – Used by non-musically inclined people, like myself, to make crappy music

Almost every one of these applications has helped me organize my porn and make it readily available when I want it or when I’m feeling lonely.

Let’s start with iMovie HD.

iMovie HD is great for editing homemade porn movie, because it’s so easy to use. With it I can easily take out all the awkward moments like her screaming out someone else’s name or her faking an orgasm REALLY badly. I can also edit all the boring cuddling and talking that happens before and after getting it on.

One of the newest features of iMovie HD is the ability to edit high-definition video, hence the HD part. Unfortunately, there aren’t any cheap high-definition cameras available, which might be a good thing because without high-definition I don’t look good at all, so imagine how bad I’ll look with high-definition.

With iPhoto 5 I can easily arrange the tens of thousands of pictures on my hard drive by making different albums. I can create an album for brunettes, blondes, redheads, Asians, lesbians, hardcore, threesomes, midgets, and a whole lot more.

A new feature in iPhoto 5 is the ability to store your downloaded videos within iPhoto 5. It sure is easier than the dozens of folders I have, which are organized alphabetically by the pornstar’s name. If the file is a Quicktime or MPEG file, iPhoto 5 will be able to store them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for Windows Media Video files.

Now with iDVD 5 I can burn the movies I edited onto a DVD so I can view them with the DVD player in the living room or I can send them to friends. Also in iDVD 5, I can create slideshows of the thousands of photos I have in iPhoto 5 and burn those slideshows onto a DVD.

As for iTunes and GarageBand…Um, there really isn’t any use for them when it comes to organizing porn. However, I did make a crappy 70’s porn soundtrack using GarageBand.

Item: Apple iLife ‘05
Purchase Price: $79.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for organizing porn. iPhoto is much faster for viewing the thousands of photos I have. iMovie will be great for editing high-definition porn. GarageBand allows me to create all the crappy 70’s porn music I want.
Cons: iTunes and GarageBand don’t have any uses when organizing porn. Mac-only software. iPhoto doesn’t store Windows Media Video files. Previous version of iLife was $49.

Girl Scouts Thin Mints

Marvo 29 Comments

Thin Mints

I learned a very important lesson this weekend: Don’t try to haggle with Girl Scouts, because they won’t budge.

Yesterday, while I was walking out of the national grocery store chain I shop at, out of nowhere three Girl Scouts appeared in front of my shopping cart. Fortunately, I have cat-like reflexes and I swerved the cart to avoid hitting them.

I looked at them and they all smiled and said a synchronized, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?”

Usually I would avoid such fundraising efforts because I’m a really cheap bastard. However, it’s been a few years since I had Girl Scout Cookies and I wondered if there were any new flavors. So I asked the three of them, “What flavors do you have?”

They went through the list and it sounded like they were the same old flavors. I sighed and then asked them if they had any new flavors. This seemed to have stumped them because they began whispering to each other. After a few moments, they came to the consensus that there weren’t any and they shook their heads.

After the quick disappointment wore off, I said to them, “You Girl Scouts just changed the look of your uniforms, isn’t it about time you girls changed the flavors of your cookies?”

The three of them began whispering to each other again. After a few moments, I think they came to the consensus that I’m a big, yucky dork.

Since they didn’t have any new flavors, I decided to get a box of Thin Mints. One of the girls told me they’re the most popular Girl Scout Cookies. After telling me that wonderful nugget of information that might come in handy during a game of Trivial Pursuit, I said to the girl, “Well I think if you had a chocolate chip cookie it would totally kick Thin Mints’ ass.”

After our little banter, I asked the three girls how much the box of Thin Mints was.

“Four dollars,” they said with smiles.

“Four dollars!” I said with disbelief.

I could’ve sworn the last time I bought Girl Scout Cookies they were only three dollars, so I decided to haggle.

“How about three dollars for the cookies?” I asked them.

“Four dollars,” they said.

“$3.50?”

“Four dollars.”

“$3.75?”

I was going to start raising my offer in one cent increments, but all three of them had stern and bitchy looks on their faces, like their inner Omorosa’s were coming out. So I paid my four dollars and pushed my cart away before they could use what they learned to earn their Self-Defense Girl Scout Badges.

When I got home, I opened the Thin Mints and began popping them one-by-one as I watched the Pittsburgh Steelers get whipped by the New England Patriots. Before I knew it, I ate half the box.

I’m usually not big on mint, except when it’s in my toothpaste and chewing gum, but I like Thin Mints. They have a nice chocolate and mint mixture, which make them refreshing and satisfying. I would definitely buy more if they lowered the price a little.

Damn greedy Girl Scouts!

No wonder their uniforms are green.

Item: Girl Scouts Thin Mints
Purchase Price: $4.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No tax. Nice chocolate and mint mix. Helps young women become happy and resourceful citizens.
Cons: No new Girl Scout Cookie flavors. Damn greedy Girl Scouts.