Category: Reviews

Sometimes I have a taste for the finer things in life, which I blame on my addiction to the television show MTV Cribs.

Unfortunately, I can only dream of enjoying the finer things, because I’m a cheap bastard and the salary of a quasi-product review blog editor is zero.

So instead of enjoying $50 Godiva chocolates, I eat a 59 cent Hershey’s chocolate bar. Whenever I have the urge for $100 Russian caviar (fish eggs), I eat $2.99 chicken eggs. When I wanted to buy a $35,000 Lexus IS-300, I instead settled for a $15,000 Toyota Corolla. Finally, when I wanted a $100 bottle of Cristal, I ended up with a $4.99 wine in a box.

As some of you know, I went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. While there I happened to come across The Art of Shaving Shop in the Mandalay Bay Resort. I was familiar with The Art of Shaving products thanks to my subscription to Men’s Health magazine, which I have to make me pretend I’m healthy.

The Art of Shaving products are known to be…Um, how can I put it?

Their products are considered cheap for those who wear a monocle and top hat, like the Monopoly guy, but DAMN expensive for EVERYONE else.

So I’m in the store and I decided to try some shaving cream. I looked at the price and it was twenty frickin’ dollars. You can get TEN cans of Edge Shaving Gel for twenty bucks. I thought that price was crazy, but then I remembered the Godiva, caviar, Lexus, and Cristal I couldn’t have and decided that this may be the only chance I get to enjoy one of the finer things in life.

I ended up plopping down twenty dollars for the sandalwood shaving cream. (I decided on the sandalwood, because it’s known to be an aphrodisiac and I need all the help I can get with the ladies.)

The texture of the shaving cream is much like Noxzema Cream. The sandalwood aroma was very nice and I guess it really does work as an aphrodisiac, because it turned me on to myself.

One of the cool things about this shaving cream is that I can use it without a brush or with a brush. However, I didn’t know what kind of brush to use, since I’ve never used a shaving cream that gave me the option of using a brush.

Using logic, I figured a toothbrush creates a good lather with toothpaste, so why not shaving cream? Unfortunately, my logic sucks and the toothbrush took away whatever dead skin cells I had and much of my epidermis.

Later, I found out that there’s something called a shaving cream brush, which The Art of Shaving has, but the bristles are made out of (I’m not making this up) badger hair. (Editor’s Note: There are several beaver jokes I could put right here, but I will refrain.)

One thing I noticed about this shaving cream is that it doesn’t lather up as much as other shaving creams and gels, which I think allowed me to have a closer and smoother shave.

Overall, I’m getting better shaving results with The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream and now that I’m enjoying one of the finer things in life, I need to purchase a monocle and top hat.

Item: The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream
Purchase Price: $20.00!!!
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Closer shave. Nice aroma, which may turn you on to yourself.
Cons: Holy crap! DAMN expensive! Affordable for those who own Boardwalk, Park Place, and the rest of the Monopoly board.

I’m slightly disappointed that I wasn’t a finalist in any of the categories I was nominated for at the Best of Blogs (BoB) Awards (Thanks to Yam, Suzanne, and Mellie for nominating me). Honestly, I thought there was a slim chance that it would happen.

Okay, I’m lying.

I’m NOT disappointed at all, but just in case my non-disappointment turns into slight disappointment, I decided to read “The 100 Simple Secrets of Successful People” by Dr. David Niven.

For those who have read the Impulsive Buy for a while, you may remember that I reviewed another book by Dr. Niven, “The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People.” I read it to help me remain happy as I dealt with a comment spam problem, which I have under control.

After reading this book, I now have some simple secrets that will help me continue to be NOT disappointed by the fact I wasn’t a finalist at the BoB Awards.

Simple Secret Number 39: Learn from Losses

So what did I learn from not being a finalist?

I learned that it’s okay to be a loser. It’s okay that I can’t win class elections or a woman’s heart.

Good things happen to losers. For example, take a look at Clay Aiken. He went from being a loser to becoming…Um…A loser.

Okay, bad example.

Simple Secret Number 64: You Are Not in This Alone

Yes, the Impulsive Buy is not alone. There were several great blogs that didn’t end up as finalists that deserved to be, like Tiny Voices in My Head, I Think I Want to Be A Comedian, and My So-Called Strife.

I think we all should form the Special Olympics version of the BoB Awards, where EVERYONE is a winner and EVERYONE receives a medal.

Simple Secret Number 81: Be Realistic About Yourself

Okay, we’ve had some REALLY lame reviews, like Peanut Butter M-Azing & Crunchy M-Azing (The worst blog post EVER!), Sobe Adrenaline Rush (A steaming pile of blogging doo-doo.), and Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles (So horrible that it made poet Sylvia Plath want to kill herself again.), just to name a few.

Simple Secret Number 83: Own What You Do

We weren’t a finalist, but I think the Impulsive Buy is bar none the number one quasi-product review blog in the entire blogosphere. Although with millions of blogs out there, I could be wrong.

If I am wrong, I must find the other quasi-product review blogs and DESTROY THEM!!! CRUSH THEM!!! BEAT THEM!!! BURY THEM!!! THEN PISS ON THEM!!!

Simple Secret Number 93: You’ll Get Knocked Down and Then Get Back Up

Okay I really didn’t get knocked down, but I will pretend like I did. Check this out.

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Help! I’ve fallen and can’t get up!

(End Scene)

Wow. Now I feel even more NOT disappointed.

I guess this book really does work.

Editor’s Note: Honestly, go check out the BoB Awards. There are some really good reads there.

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Item: The 100 Simple Secrets of Successful People by David Niven Ph.D.
Purchase Price: $8.96 (Amazon.com)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: An easy and fast read. Inexpensive book. I wasn’t a finalist at the BoB Awards, but I’m NOT disappointed. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never going to keep me down. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never going to keep me down. (Yeah, Chumbawumba reference!)
Cons: Um…Wasn’t a finalist at the BoB Awards?

I figured this Christmas season would be a great time to test the new Colgate Max Fresh With Mini Breath Strips toothpaste because I could probably get some lip action with the help of some mistletoe.

Although I have to admit, I’ve never kissed anyone under the mistletoe before. Actually, I’ve never seen real mistletoe and I didn’t know how to get my hands on some.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t find any real mistletoe, but I did find some fake mistletoe at a craft store.

So armed with my fake mistletoe, I ventured out to see if some lucky lady would give me a kiss. Unfortunately, even with the mistletoe, I couldn’t get any takers.

Now I’m not too sure why I didn’t get any lip action. It could have been how I asked:

When I first saw you, I was like “Whoa.”
You are so beautiful, you know.
Come here and let me kiss you under the mistletoe.

Nah, it couldn’t be that, because that’s frickin’ poetry that would make any woman’s heart melt like butter in the microwave.

Now that I think about it, maybe I got rejected because I recited the poem like I was a 1970’s pimp.

Anyway, if you haven’t seen this new toothpaste from Colgate, it’s a gel that contains tiny breath strips, which gives the toothpaste a nice winter bite. Kind of like a York Peppermint Pattie.

That bite eventually turns into a little burn, somewhat like the ones Listerine and Selsun Blue give you, which eventually you’ll get used to. But that burn is a good thing because in my years of experience with personal care products, I have learned two important rules: (1) The more it burns, the more it’s working. (2) When it starts burning away flesh, it’s not working anymore.

Since I didn’t get a chance to kiss anyone, I don’t know how fresh my mouth was after using the Colgate Max Fresh With Mini Breath Strips toothpaste.

However, I do know that it certainly didn’t help make me fresh with the ladies.

Item: Colgate Max Fresh With Mini Breath Strips Toothpaste
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mini breath strips give the toothpaste a nice minty bite. Nice minty burn. Helps whiten teeth. My poetry can rock a woman’s world.
Cons: Fresher than I am. Toothpaste is a little too liquid. Pricey for only 4 ounces.

Editor’s Note: Next Christmas, will someone please remind me that I MUST NOT upset the Line-Waiting Gods.

So I had to go to the post office the other day because I had to mail a CD that someone bought from me on eBay. Unfortunately, when I got to the Post Office there was a very long line of Christmas gift shipping procrastinators.

At first I thought, “Hell no,” but then realized that my eBay rating was too precious to ruin with the possibility of a negative rating.

While waiting in line I noticed a machine semi-hidden by the patrons in front of me with the words, “Automated Postal Center” on it. I wondered what it exactly was. As I got closer, I realized that it was an automated postal center (duh!), which I could use to ship packages, buy stamps, or check a zip code.

At first I wondered if it was broken or something, because none of the other thirty patrons were using it. Then I took a closer look at the other thirty patrons and realized that I was surrounded by senior citizens, who probably have technophobia and have no idea how to set the time on their VCRs.

I looked at the long line and then I looked at the Automated Postal Center. Then I looked at the long line again and decided to give the Automated Postal Center a try.

The Automated Postal Center has a touch screen, which allows you to make selections. There’s a scale on the left hand side of the machine to weigh your package/envelope. Just select the type of postage, weigh it, type in the zip code, slide your credit or debit card, and wait for the postage label to print.

I thought this was so fast and easy. I was glad to be surrounded by gray-haired technophobes, who probably have no idea what a blog is.

While the label was printing, which takes about 30 seconds, I was doing the cabbage patch and kept saying in a taunting tone, “I don’t have to wait in line. I don’t have to wait in line.”

Of course, this drew the attention of all the senior citizens waiting in line and I got many dirty looks from them, but I didn’t care because…”I didn’t have to wait in line. I didn’t have to wait in line.”

After the postage label printed, I stuck it on my package and placed the package in the gigantic bin next to the Automated Postal Center. Then I looked at all the senior citizens in line and again began doing the cabbage patch and taunting them as I walked out the door.

That same day I had to go to the big red electronics store to pick up a gift card for a friend. The lines there were just as crazy as the line at the post office. Unfortunately, I had to wait in line since there wasn’t a machine I could buy gift cards from.

So there I was waiting in line with about 15 people in front of me. Twenty minutes passed before the person in front of me got to the cashier. This was when things got worse.

The customer in front of me told the cashier that the Playstation 2 memory card was on sale, but the sale price didn’t come up on the register. The cashier said it wasn’t on sale, but the customer insisted that it was. Then the cashier looked through the newspaper ad, but couldn’t find anything. She then went to talk to another cashier, who also said it wasn’t on sale. Then another worker who overheard their conversation came up to them and said it was.

Their little employee conference took about five minutes and eventually the customer got the discount.

In my head, I thought, “My goodness could this get any worse?”

Apparently, it could.

Finally, when I got to the cashier, I asked her if I could get a gift card. She then said the worst four words she could possibly say, “We don’t have anymore.”

So I waited 30 minutes in line for nothing and I was about to be angry, but then I realized the Line-Waiting Gods were just getting back at me for my actions at the post office.

Damn frickin’ karma.

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Item: USPS Automated Postal Center
Purchase Price: FREE to use (Must pay for postage and stamps)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Ship small packages and envelopes without waiting in line, unless there’s a line for the Automated Postal Center. Open 24 hours. Able to purchase stamps from it. Easy to use for some.
Cons: Never make fun of those who have to wait in line. May scare senior citizens with technophobia, which is probably about 99 percent of them. Can’t ship large boxes. Damn karma.

Editor’s Note: Sorry for the late review today. The Impulsive Buy had to do some extra testing with today’s product to see if they would make great ghost costumes for kids. Long story short, they definitely do not, especially if the drawstrings are pulled.

The Impulsive Buy’s goal is to be just like the 800-pound gorilla of the product review world, Consumer Reports.

However, it’s hard to be like them when we aren’t very thorough with our reviews, some of the reviews contain sexual situations, we don’t have good grammar, and we like to excessively use the word “BOOBIES.”

Heck, we aren’t even as good as those compulsive reviewers at Amazon and Epinions, who have written reviews for hundreds of products.

Actually, to be honest, we really don’t want to be like Consumer Reports. I know we just said we wanted to be just like them, but all we want is their kick-ass multi-million dollar testing facility.

They have goggle-wearing scientists, state-of-the-art machines, and a frickin’ car testing track. Oh yeah, let’s not forget the white lab coats, beakers, and test tubes.

Here at the Impulsive Buy we have ONLY ONE lab coat that I stole when I was taking Chemistry 151 Lab.

But alas, the Impulsive Buy doesn’t have a kick-ass multi-million dollar testing facility, so we have to be creative when testing products.

For example, take today’s product, Glad ForceFlex Kitchen Trash Bags. I’m sure in the Consumer Reports kick-ass testing facility they have scientists who use state-of-the-art stretching machinery that can exactly determine how much the Glad ForceFlex can stretch.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, we have bupkis. So because we don’t have a computerized stretching machine, I decided to test the Glad ForceFlex using the demanding test of trash bag races. You know, like potato sack races except with trash bags.

I didn’t think conducting a trash bag race would’ve given us an accurate measure of how stretchable the Glad ForceFlex is, but it sounded more fun than some expensive machine.

So to accomplish this, I called up some friends who I thought might be interested in helping me for the greater good of consumers.

Unfortunately when I called them, all I heard was, “No way,” “That’s so lame,” “Um, no,” and “You know the restraining order prevents you from calling me.”

Since no one wanted to participate in the Glad ForceFlex trash bag races, I had to do it on my own, just like my sex life.

What makes the Glad ForceFlex so special is the unique diamond texture that stretches around objects to help prevent rips and tears. That diamond texture sure did stretch around my feet as I placed them into one of the ForceFlex bags.

So after stepping inside one of the bags, I hopping around the Impulsive Buy like a rabbit on crack for several minutes. Despite my constant hopping, the ForceFlex bag didn’t tear. But my constant hopping did cause me to become very winded, very quickly.

So what did I learn from my experiment? I learned that these Glad ForceFlex bags are very durable and that I’m out of shape.

Item: Glad ForceFlex Kitchen Trash Bags
Purchase Price: $5.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Drawstrings. Durable. Stretchable.
Cons: No ForceFlex trash bag relay races. I’m out of shape. Makes bad ghost costumes for kids.