Category: Reviews

REVIEW: SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal

Marvo 8 Comments

SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal

I’ve always been a sucker for cereals with marshmallows.

Whether it’s Lucky Charms or Count Chocula, I’ve enjoyed sinking my teeth into those crunchy freeze-dried marshmallows. There’s something about them that makes the cereal better.

Oh, I know. They add more sugar.

Being a connoisseur of fine breakfast cereals with marshmallows, I had to try the SpongeBob SquarePants cereal, with marshmallows in the shapes of SpongeBob, Patrick, and Pineapple.

Honestly, I don’t know who Patrick and Pineapple are, because I’ve never watched an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. I also haven’t watched an episode of the O.C., American Idol, or CSI, because I’m afraid if I did, I would get hooked and never leave my apartment.

Oh, wait. I’m already hooked on the internet and never leave my apartment.

As for SpongeBob SquarePants, I’ve never watched it because it’s on Nickelodeon, which is a 24-hour kids network. I’m a 28-year old man. I’m too mature to watch a kids network. Instead I watch the Cartoon Network.

(sigh)

No wonder the women run away from me.

The SpongeBob SquarePants cereal is kind of like Cap’n Crunch with marshmallows, except without the raw upper palate that Cap’n Crunch gives me. Although I don’t know if you should trust me with taste comparisons, since it seems like I’m the ONLY person who thinks Pepsi Holiday Spice tastes like Coke.

Well the marshmallows definitely add a lot to the cereal, but I felt they were kind of small and I didn’t think there were enough of them. You can never have too many marshmallows.

Actually, if they made a cereal out of just marshmallows, I would be all over that, like paparazzi around Tara Reid .

Item: Kellogg’s SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal
Purchase Price: $3.69 (on sale)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mmmm…Marshmallows. Cap’n Crunch like.
Cons: Not enough marshmallows. Small marshmallows. I’ve never watched SpongeBob SquarePants.

REVIEW: Healthy Choice Beef Franks

Marvo 9 Comments

I haven’t eaten hot dogs in a while. I don’t know if it was because of my fear of increasing my already dangerously high cholesterol levels or if I had an extreme case of subconscious homophobia.

It’s most likely the latter, because I like my gay friends. Wait! I like them, but not in that way. You know what I’m saying, right? I really like my gay friends. Wait! Um¦ Dammit!

I LOVE BOOBIES!!! I LOVE BOOBIES!!!

Well the other week, while shopping at the national grocery store chain I shop at, I noticed the Healthy Choice Beef Franks were on sale. I swear they NEVER seem to go on sale. I honestly believe that the store doesn’t want me to be healthy, because the Healthy Choice Beef Franks almost NEVER go on sale, but those powdered sugar-coated brownie bites down the aisle are ALWAYS on sale.

Being the healthy shopper that I try to be, I compared the nutritional values of other products. The Healthy Choice Beef Franks had two or three times less fat and cholesterol than its “non-healthy” counterparts. This made me hesitant about picking them up, because I didn’t want to relive my experience with tofu dogs.

Figuring that there’s no way they could be worse than the tofu dogs, I picked up the Healthy Choice Beef Franks. However, when I picked them up from the refrigerated case, there was something strange about them, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh well.

I continued shopping and eventually ended up in the bread aisle, where I picked up a pack of eight hot dogs buns. I looked at the buns and a light bulb suddenly turned on in my head. Then it went dim. Then I looked at the buns again and the light bulb turned on again. Then it went dim again. Finally, after hitting my head against the shopping cart a few times, the light bulb stayed on and I said to myself, “Holy crap! Since when did hot dogs start coming in a pack of eight?”

Back in the day, I remember that hot dogs came in a pack of ten and everyone used to complain about how the number of buns in a pack and the number of hot dogs in a pack were uneven.

I wondered if this was the case with all of the wieners, so I zipped my shopping cart all the way to the other side of the store, narrowly missing several other shoppers and discovered that most of the hot dogs now come in packs of eight.

When I got home, I immediately started to boil water for the beef franks. About 10 minutes later, I was enjoying them.

I have to say that these Healthy Choice Beef Franks are pretty damn tasty for something that’s supposed to be healthy.

Thanks to Healthy Choice, I think can start eating wieners again.

Oh wait, that didn’t sound right.

Thanks to Healthy Choice, I can start enjoying wieners again.

That didn’t sound right either. Dammit!

I LOVE BOOBIES!!! I LOVE BOOBIES!!!

Item: Healthy Choice Beef Franks
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Low-fat, high in taste. Comes in a pack of eight wieners. I LOVE BOOBIES!!!
Cons: Still a little high in sodium, but that’s probably what gives it its taste. Hardly ever goes on sale.

Pit Bull Energy Drink

Marvo 26 Comments

Pit Bull Energy Drink

Why did YOU give me a two-star rating on Blog Explosion for?

Did I upset or offend YOU?

Are YOU upset that I gave a two rating for both Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas and Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus? Are YOU offended by my one rating for the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie?

Or are YOU upset that the only “people” who leave comments on your blog are your imaginary friends, “Mr. Squeekers” and “Brad Pitt.”

What did I do?

Did I not make YOU laugh? Are my reviews not detailed enough for YOU? Do YOU hate the color orange? Do YOU work for Consumer Reports? Do YOU think I’m a comment whore? Are YOU offended by my use of the word “whore?”

Oh, sorry folks. I just drank a can of Pit Bull Energy Drink, which claims to be “attitude in a can.” I’ve only had it in my system for a few minutes, but so far I think that claim might be true. Or it could be the caffeine, sugar, taurine, and inositol combination in the Pit Bull Energy Drink that’s doing the talking.

Now back to the attitude.

I wouldn’t be like this if YOU gave me a five- or a six-star rating, but YOU gave me a two-star rating. The only blogs that deserve a two- star rating are those that promote hatred towards puppies, talk about how Microsoft Windows 98 is the greatest operating system ever, and those that only post their results for Quizilla quizzes every single day.

What did I do to deserve this?

It’s like YOU think my blog will cause the downfall of America’s youth or it promotes smoking.

I went to your blog, and just like this Pit Bull Energy Drink, I have to say there’s nothing special about it. At least the Pit Bull Energy Drink has a nice lemon-lime ginger ale taste to it. Your blog doesn’t have anything like that to give it a nice sweet and tart taste.

Man…

Now that I got most of the attitude from the Pit Bull Energy Drink out of me, I have to say that I really don’t care if YOU gave me a two-star rating. It’s your opinion and I’ll respect it.

I guess I can’t please everyone.

Item: Pit Bull Energy Drink
Purchase Price: $2.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice lemon-lime ginger ale taste. Better than a certain blog. Caffeine.
Cons: Nothing separates it from other energy drinks. The name kind of rips off Red Bull. Perhaps too much attitude.

REVIEW: Pepsi Holiday Spice

Marvo 16 Comments

Ye holiday season is here!

Woo hoo!

It’s time to get into the holiday spirit and I’m trying to get into the mood by drinking Pepsi Holiday Spice.

I NEED to have the holiday spirit, as I prepare for the crowded malls, last minute shopping, excessive Christmas decorations, the color red, tinsel, children crying on Santa’s lap, and numerous kiss rejections under the mistletoe.

I would’ve gotten eggnog, but no one is selling it yet. So until someone starts selling it, I’m stuck with Pepsi Holiday Spice to get me in the mood for some holiday “fun.”

I know liquor is quicker, but I’m afraid I might relive my 21st birthday drinking binge, which involved ten shots in one hour, followed by dancing with two girls, flashing body parts on my body that shouldn’t be flashed, and dry heaves.

So what does Pepsi Holiday Spice taste like?

It has a nice spicy cinnamon and ginger taste and it’s really good, but let me think of a better way to describe the taste.

Hmmm…

Well go to your favorite store, whether it’s a local mom and pops or your gigantic mom and pops-destroying superstore, and look for a red soda bottle or can with the word Coke on it. Then purchase it or steal it, because there’s no way the old greeter at the superstore entrance will be able to tackle you. Then open it and when you drink it you will know what Pepsi Holiday Spice tastes like.

To make that unnecessarily long explanation paragraph short, Pepsi Holiday Spice tastes very similar to Coke.

If you’re a crazy Coke fanatic and you think what I just said is blasphemy, then go try it for yourself, YOU FRICKEN’ COKE-HEAD!

Wow. That last part was rude of me. I’m sorry.

Seems like I need more holiday spirit.

Well, I guess it’s a good thing I bought a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi Holiday Spice, because hopefully the more holiday spice I drink, the more holiday spirit I’ll have.

Item: Pepsi Holiday Spice
Purchase Price: $1.49 (2-liter bottle, on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Nice spicy taste. A great holiday drink replacement until eggnog hits the stores. Tastes like Coke.
Cons: If you’re a crazy Coke fanatic, it tastes like Coke. Too bad it’s a limited edition. Might need a bit more holiday spirit in it.

REVIEW: French Toast Pop-Tarts

Marvo 19 Comments

Kellogg's French Toast Pop-Tarts

If you’re an avid reader of the Impulsive Buy, you know that we like Pop-Tarts. We’re Pop-Tart aficionados, if you will. We consider them to be part of our complete breakfast, and sometimes lunch, dinner, and midnight snack.

In the past few months, we’ve reviewed this one, this one, and this one, which have also turned out to be our top three all-time favorite Pop-Tarts flavors.

Recently, I came upon the new French Toast Pop-Tarts and wondered if they really did taste like French Toast. However, it’s been a while since I’ve eaten French Toast because I’m afraid of eggs, due to the egg cholesterol controversy.

First, they say eggs are bad for me, then they say they’re good for me, then they say they’re bad for me again, then they say they’re good for me again, and then they tell me that they’re good for me if I eat it in moderation.

Since I haven’t had French Toast in a long time, I can’t remember how it tastes. So I decided to overcome my fear of eggs and make French Toast.

Because I watch excessive amounts of the Food Network, I felt like I could cook some mean French Toast. Although to be honest, I mostly watch it for Rachael Ray.

After cooking a stack of French Toast and adding the butter, cinnamon, and syrup, I did my comparison.

Oh, man. I forgot that I made some damn good French Toast.

Hell yeah!

Oh, they were so heavenly.

Then I declared myself the King of French Toast and I thought no inferior French Toast Pop-Tart could beat MY delicious French Toast.

Well, I was wrong.

The French Toast Pop-Tarts were pretty good, with its syrup filling and cinnamon sprinkled on top. However, it’s not the best Pop-Tarts I’ve had, but it’s probably one of my top 5 favorites.

Although, I think that the syrup filling wasn’t that sweet and I wish it had a cinnamon-flavored frosting, instead of just cinnamon sprinkled on top. But overall, they totally do trump my own French Toast.

I guess the King of French Toast is dead.

Now that I think about it, maybe the reason why I stopped eating French Toast was not because of my fear of cholesterol, maybe it was because I suck at making French Toast.

Item: French Toast Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Cinnamon. Gooey syrup filling. Possibly one of my Top 5 favorite Pop-Tarts. Better than MY crappy-ass French Toast.
Cons: Syrup filling wasn’t that sweet. Wish there was frosting. Do not freeze.