Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Pop-Tarts Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix

Marvo 9 Comments

Pop-Tarts Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix

Sharing is one of the important lessons we all learned while growing up.

Some of us learned sharing from our parents, some of us learned it in school, some of us learned it from Sesame Street, and others learned it from passing around a bong.

Thanks to my parents, I learned sharing at a young age and throughout my life I have passed on this lesson to others.

In kindergarten, I shared my crayons.

In grade school, I shared my glue.

In middle school, I shared my toys.

In high school, I shared the answers for the multiple-choice part of a history test by pretending to scratch my back, but really showing with my fingers what the answers were.

Finally, in college, I shared my heart. Unfortunately, I never got it back and ever since then I have roamed this planet as an empty shell, not being able to feel emotions or show love.

Sharing is a wonderful thing and the Pop-Tarts Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix is a wonderful way to promote sharing. Each Snak Stix can be broken up into three parts, thanks to the perforations on the pastry.

After you break it up, you can share it with your kids, friends, or your fellow stoners, who probably have a case of the munchies.

As I have done with previous Pop-Tarts, I tried the Snak Stix both frozen and toasted. Usually, freezing the Pop-Tarts creates a nice chewy snack. However, with the Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix I ended up with something that was significantly harder than the other Pop-Tarts flavors I stuck in the freezer.

Whether frozen or toasted, the Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix was damn tasty, but it wasn’t good enough to dethrone my favorite Pop-Tarts flavor, Hot Fudge Sundae. Although, it’s definitely somewhere in my top five list of favorite Pop-Tarts flavors.

If there was a problem with the Snak Stix it would be that the box came with ONLY six Pop-Tarts. A regular box of Pop-Tarts comes with EIGHT of them.

Having two less Pop-Tarts may not seem like much, but my stoner friends tell me that when you’ve got the Mary Jane-induced munchies that difference turns out to be pretty big.

Item: Pop-Tarts Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix
Purchase Price: $1.99 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Easy to share, if you want to, but you should. Tastes pretty good. Perfect for stoners.
Cons: Not the best Pop-Tarts to freeze. Only comes with six pastries.

REVIEW: Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash

Marvo 22 Comments

methodsoap

Do you know a relative, friend, co-worker, or mistress who’s a little too obsessive compulsive? Sure, we all know one.

They wash their hands over 30 times a day; have a Costco-sized bottle of waterless hand sanitizer on their desk; opens public restroom doors with a paper towel; puts enough layers of sanitary covers on a toilet seat that it provides a slight cushion; or uses Lysol on EVERYTHING.

Well if you have yet to get that person a Christmas gift, what better gift to give them than the gift of cleanliness.

Might I suggest the Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash.

Editor’s Note, Part Two: Um…For you smokers of the ganja, there is no correlation between the name Method and the fact that the color of this hand wash is green. Method products come in a wide range of colors.

I’ve been a really big fan of Method products for a while, although to be honest I’ve never used any of their products until now.

The reason why I didn’t try any was because I couldn’t get my dirty hands on Method products here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (We so desperately need a Target). However, Impulsive Buy groupie Akiko gave me some.

Editor’s Note, Part Three: Um…When I say, “she gave me some,” I meant she gave me a bottle of Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash. Just thought I’d clear that up, since she is an Impulsive Buy groupie.

I think I became a fan of Method products after reading an article about them in one of the Business 2.0 issues I stole from my doctor’s office.

I’m a fan because their products come in nice curvy bottles and I’m sucker for things that have curves, like Catherine Zeta Jones and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Another reason is because their products are biodegradable, non-toxic, naturally derived, and aren’t tested on animals, which satisfies my tree-hugging side. Finally, I like the company because its name starts with the letter “M.”

As for the Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash, besides being green in color and environmentally-friendly, it smells really good.

So what does green tea combined with aloe smell like? It smells clean. It’s not fruity, flowery, or girly. It just smells clean.

Just the way obsessive-compulsive people like to smell.

If you think about it, our obsessive-compulsive friends maybe on to something with all of this cleanliness. Think about all the things that get touched a lot on a daily basis by people. You don’t know what kind of people they are or where these people have been.

Imagine all the germs on these things, like doorknobs, money, elevator buttons, handrails, and Paris Hilton.

Item: Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash
Purchase Price: FREE (retail price $4.00)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Clean scent. Environmentally friendly. Nice curvy bottle. Oh yeah, let me feel those curves on that bottle. Oh yeah, let me feel those curves on the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Teehehehehe.
Cons: Kind of pricey for hand soap. Can’t get it here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

REVIEW: Maruchan Creamy Alfredo Instant Lunch Ramen Noodles

Marvo 15 Comments

creamyalfredo

Editor’s Note: We at the Impulsive Buy would like to wish all of our regular readers a very Merry Christmas. We hope your holiday is filled with good times with family and friends.

We also hope it is filled with awesome gifts that you don’t have to return, although most likely you will have to return some because they are either too big or totally lame.

Here at the Impulsive Buy all we want for Christmas is just more stuff to review or gift cards to buy stuff to review.

Finally, as our crappy Christmas gift to all of our readers, we present to you “‘Twas The Day Before Christmas: The Impulsive Buy Edition”

‘Twas the day before Christmas, I had nothing to review.
Holy crap! What the hell was I supposed to do?
I looked in the cupboard, which was almost bare,
Except for a cup of ramen noodles on the top shelf there.

“Oh, hell no,” I said shaking my head with disgust on my face.
Even though I bought the ramen so I could review it in the first place.
Creamy Alfredo Ramen Noodles, I bought it over a month ago.
It was so cheap, it only took 33 cents of my dough.

I boiled water for this ramen flavor I’ve never had before.
Pulled back the lid of the ramen to smell what was in store.
Took a quick whiff and then closed the lid as quickly as I could.
Then I said a quick prayer, got my rabbit’s foot, and knocked on wood.

“People actually eat this stuff,” I couldn’t believe.
It smelled so bad that I let out a few dry heaves.
If I can’t stand the stench, I wonder what eating it would entail.
No wonder it was labeled “Reduced Price for Quick Sale.”

I let it sit for the instructed three minutes, after I added the hot aqua.
But I let it sit for another five, as I prepared to eat something I didn’t wanna.
Taking deep breaths, meditating, and affirmations didn’t help.
“Do it for your readers,” I said to try and encourage myself.

Maruchan Creamy Alfredo Instant Lunch Ramen Noodles Closeup

I peeled back the lid and looked at the milky white mess.
Ooh, a whole 1,370 milligrams of sodium goodness.
The aroma of the Alfredo Ramen came up to my face.
I had a few garbage cans next to me, just in case.

After a few more dry heaves, I think I was ready to consume.
If it smells bad, it’s gonna taste bad, I was going to assume.
I picked up my fork and gave the Alfredo Ramen a stir.
It really looked like vomit in a cup, I so badly wanted to defer.

The first bite was not bad, but it could have been a total fluke.
I took a second bite, “Oh, man. It was. I think I’m going to puke.”
Tried to force myself to eat a third, but my body wouldn’t take the risk.
I put down my fork, because I had more than enough of this.

I went to the sink and poured the Alfredo Ramen down the drain.
If only the garbage disposal had taste buds, it would know my pain.
After a few spins of the garbage disposal, it was all disintegrated.
But even with all of it gone, I still felt so nauseated.

So I sprang to my car and headed to the nearest drive-thru.
A burger and fries will help me cope with what I’ve just been through.
After eating fast food and getting some rest, I began to feel all right,
Merry Christmas to all and avoid Alfredo Ramen for the rest of your life.

Item: Maruchan Creamy Alfredo Instant Lunch Ramen Noodles
Purchase Price: $0.33 (on sale)
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: Dirt cheap.
Cons: Smells like puke. Looks like puke. Tastes like puke. May make you puke.

REVIEW: Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal

Marvo 12 Comments

peanutbuttertoast

This review WAS going to start off about how I love peanut butter and how I go through a bottle every three weeks.

Then I WAS going to say something about how you may think I like peanut butter because it’s something I enjoy licking off of a woman.

Then I WAS going to say that I don’t like to lick peanut butter off of a woman’s body, because I’ve tried it and the smell of the peanut butter sort of turns me off.

Then I WAS going to say that the only things I’m willing to lick off of a woman’s body are canned whipped cream, pudding, Cool Whip, chocolate syrup, and ice cream.

Finally, I WAS going to say how I’m definitely not willing to lick peanut butter or canned cheese off of any woman’s body, even if it’s Winona Ryder’s.

I WAS going to say all of that, but then I realized that several reviews over the past month have been very sexual in nature. Hmm…Let’s see, there was the cookie porn in the Chips Ahoy Cremewiches review, the phallic nature of the Tootsie Pop Spy Stix review, the viewing of hot corn in the review for Firefox 1.0, and the licking of pudding off of woman’s body in the Jello Oreo Instant Pudding review.

Since I don’t want to seem like a perverted product reviewer, today’s review will be Rated G. It will be a nice and wholesome review. A review that the whole family can read and enjoy…except the beginning part about licking peanut butter off of a woman’s body.

So here it goes.

Today’s review subject is Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal from fine people at General Mills. Yes, it’s the same wonderful folks who brought us the popular and delicious Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal.

I’m surprised by how long it took for them to come up with this inspired idea. Peanut butter toast is something I have long enjoyed. As a matter of fact, I’m consuming some scrumptious peanut butter toast right now as I type this fascinating review.

Despite my affections for the quite delectable peanut butter toast, I do not feel the same about peanut butter-flavored cold breakfast cereals, like Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch. These cereals don’t have an authentic peanut butter flavor, which disappoints me quite dearly. I was hoping that the new Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal could overcome this obstacle, which had plagued its predecessors.

Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal could not meet the difficult challenge of appeasing my delicate palate. Its meager attempt at authentic peanut butter flavor fell quite short and has disenchanted me further from peanut butter-flavored cereals.

If there was one thing that I found quite impressive with this cereal it would be the fact that it stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. But we don’t buy cereal for its ability to stay crunchy, we buy cereal for its flavor and this cereal, my loyal readers, has greatly disappointed me.

Peanut butter is still magnificent for spreading on toast, but not so splendid for breakfast cereals…and licking off of a woman’s body.

Item: Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal
Purchase Price: $3.09 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Stays crunchy in milk for a respectable amount of time.
Cons: Doesn’t really have an authentic peanut butter flavor. PB not good for licking off of a woman’s body.

REVIEW: Chips Ahoy Cremewiches

Marvo 24 Comments

Chips Ahoy Cremewiches

Once upon a time there was a chocolate chip cookie named Chips Ahoy, who wondered if there was someone special out there for him. He had dated a few other chocolate chip cookies, like Mrs. Fields, but he felt they were too similar to him. Chips Ahoy wanted someone different, maybe someone with M&M’s or white chocolate chips, instead of the regular chocolate chips he had.

While standing out on the edge of the shelf one evening, he noticed someone on the shelf below him. Chips Ahoy knew that it wasn’t a chocolate chip cookie and decided to take a closer look. He climbed down to the shelf below and hid behind a box of graham crackers.

Chips Ahoy slowly peeked out from behind the box to take a look at the stranger.

“Oh my goodness,” Chips Ahoy thought to himself. “She’s beautiful.”

He couldn’t stop looking at her big round dark colored cookies and her lovely white creamy center.

Attracted to her beauty, Chips Ahoy came out from behind the graham crackers and walked towards the beautiful stranger.

“Excuse me,” he said to get her attention.

The beautiful stranger turned around and was surprised by the sight of Chips Ahoy. She had never seen a cookie that big before.

“Who are you?” she said as she stared at his crunchy body.

“I’m Chips Ahoy and I think you’re the most delicious cookie I’ve ever seen,” he exclaimed. “What’s your name?”

“M-m-my name is Oreo,” she said excitingly.

Oreo had never heard any other cookie say such a thing to her. His flattery made her heart flutter and she began to fall in love with Chips Ahoy.

He came closer to Oreo and whispered to her, “I have fallen for you and it appears you have fallen for me.”

“But…” she said, as she turned away from him. “As much as we adore each other, we can’t be together.”

Oreo knew that they could never be together, because it was taboo in the cookie world to mix. They would be looked down upon by not only the other Chips Ahoy and Oreos, but also the Fig Newtons, Nutter Butters, Teddy Grahams, and all the others.

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks,” Chips Ahoy said as he turned Oreo back towards him.

He looked intensely at her and said, “All that matters is what you and I think.”

Taken by his strong statement, Oreo led Chips Ahoy to a secluded area on the shelf, behind the Pepperidge Farms Goldfish.

Once they were safely hidden, Chips Ahoy grabbed Oreo and began passionately licking her white creamy center. Oreo had never felt anything so good before.

After a few minutes, Oreo wanted to return the favor, so she began nibbling on Chips Ahoy’s chocolate chips. Then things got really hot and heavy between the two of them and crumbs began flying everywhere.

(Editor’s Note: I could be explicit here, but I REALLY don’t want an NC-17 rating for this post. Besides it’s more fun if you use your imagination.)

After that night of passion, Oreo soon learned that she was pregnant.

For nine months, Chips Ahoy and Oreo were afraid of what their child would look like. But when it was born, it turned out to be a beautiful combination of each cookie. It had the creamy white center of Oreo, sandwiched between two smaller Chips Ahoy.

They quickly decided to name their child Chips Ahoy Cremewich.

Then just like a scene from Nature on PBS, they began eating their child.

They were surprised how good Chips Ahoy Cremewich tasted. It was damn good. So good that they wished they hooked up sooner. After they were done eating, they had more hot cookie sex and made more Chips Ahoy Cremewiches.

And that’s how the Chips Ahoy Cremewiches were created.

Item: Chips Ahoy Cremewiches
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Brings together the best of Oreos and Chips Ahoy. Damn good. Sometimes all you need is love.
Cons: Formed from intercookie breeding (It seemed so wrong, but yet seemed so right).