Category: Spotted on Shelves

The only four-fingered pleasure I get from a glove is the one I get from Hamburger Helper.

They’re extremely easy to make, really tasty, and I get to use ground beef in ways I could never imagine. Betty Crocker has also done magic with other things on the food chain with her Tuna Helper and Chicken Helper. So I was excited when I found out about Betty Crocker’s Asian Helper, which will help bring a little bit more Asian persuasion into homes beyond watching Sandra Oh on Grey’s Anatomy.

Asian Helper comes in three varieties: Mongolian-Style Beef, Beef Fried Rice, and Chicken Fried Rice.

Do you drink a lot of coffee? Do you enjoy sucking on a squid’s ink teat?

Then your teeth could use a good whitening and for years Crest and other oral hygiene companies have been providing home teeth whitening kits.

The problem with regular Crest Whitestrips was that you couldn’t do much with your mouth while they were in there. Have a conversation with someone? Drink a glass of water? Lip sync and dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)”? Oral sex? None of that was possible with the original Whitestrips.

Crest recently announced their new Whitestrips Advanced Seal, which provides easier application, a stronger grip, form fitting, and cleaner removal than the regular Crest Whitestrips. I tried the original Whitestrips and they did significantly whiten my teeth to match my pale skin. Although, I didn’t like the film they left on my teeth after I removed them. Hopefully, the Advanced Seal version will solve that problem and my desire to lip sync and dance to Beyonce songs. A 14-day supply will cost you about $45.

Are you having trouble keeping the skeletons in your closet neatly arranged? If so, the Ziploc Flexible Totes might just be for you. A couple years ago, Ziploc introduced their Big Bags in three sizes, the largest of which was about 2 feet wide and 3 feet tall. They were big enough to hold closet skeletons, but they couldn’t stack on top of each other very well. That changes with these cube-shaped bags that can hold closet skeletons in all shapes and sizes. Affairs, illegitimate children, that night of drunken experimentation, those years in the porn industry, that time you spent in prison, and so much more can fit in these Ziploc Flexible Totes. The flexible, heavy-duty plastic and easy-close zippers ensure that your skeletons stay where they’re supposed to. They come in two sizes: a 10-gallon XL bag and for you extreme sinners a 22-gallon XXL bag.

In my parents’ attempts to slim me down so that they wouldn’t need to order husky children’s clothing from the Sears & Roebuck catalog, they fed me Raisin Bran. While other kids my age were chomping down on sugary cereals with names they would use in the future to order drugs, like Trix and Lucky Charms, I was consuming bran flakes that got soggy as soon as it was exposed to moisture with raisin that had a weird white coating.

My parents were never able to order regular sized clothing for me, thanks to the sodas and Otter Pops I consumed at my friend’s house down the street, but if the new Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Extra was introduced back then, I might’ve not been on the borderline of child obesity. This new cereal not only contains the obligatory crunchy bran flakes and plump raisins, it’s also made up of yogurt clusters, sweet cranberries, and almond slices. It’s like a hippie natural foods store in a box. A cup of it has 190 calories, 3 grams of fat, 140 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

I think it’s now official.

I need to jump into a body of water contaminated with nuclear waste in order to grow more toes and fingers so that I can count the number of Pop-Tarts flavors out there.

Kellogg’s recently introduced two new flavors to go along with the 4,349 other flavors available at your favorite grocer. The Chocolate Banana Split is filled with banana and chocolate filling with frosting and sprinkles on top. The limited edition Orange Cream contains orange cream filling and is topped with frosting and orange icing. The Orange Cream Pop-Tarts, sound intriguing because I love Orange Dreamsicles. As for the Chocolate Banana Split, I think I would probably enjoy it very much because the chocolate will satisfy the sweet tooth in me, while the banana will satisfy my hairy monkey urges — except the urge for flinging poop.