Category: Spotted on Shelves

This week, Naked Juice introduced two new flavors to their lineup of smoothies and juices — Acai Machine smoothie and Pomegranate juice.

(Editor’s Note: Bah! It turns out that Naked Juice has an Acai Pomegranate juice, making the next paragraph incorrect.)

Naked Juice is coming late to the antioxidant party, since pomegranate was big in 2007 and acai was the shiznit in 2008. It makes me wonder if they’re only now putting up their Friendster profile. I guess late is better than never, but unfortunately for Naked Juice the kegs are empty and all the pizza is gone. Although being Naked Juice, they’re probably not into drinking beer and eating pizza.

But I think they might be into the stripper.

The Naked Acai Machine smoothie will have 178 acai berries in every 15.2 ounce bottle and also include the benefits of vitamin A, vitamin C, vitamin E, elderberry, beet, black currant and grape seed extracts. The Naked Pomegranate juice will contain 4 1/3 California pomegranates in each 15.2 ounce bottle.

The Acai Machine will retail for $3.79 and the Pomegranate juice for $4.49.

The only four-fingered pleasure I get from a glove is the one I get from Hamburger Helper.

They’re extremely easy to make, really tasty, and I get to use ground beef in ways I could never imagine. Betty Crocker has also done magic with other things on the food chain with her Tuna Helper and Chicken Helper. So I was excited when I found out about Betty Crocker’s Asian Helper, which will help bring a little bit more Asian persuasion into homes beyond watching Sandra Oh on Grey’s Anatomy.

Asian Helper comes in three varieties: Mongolian-Style Beef, Beef Fried Rice, and Chicken Fried Rice.

Do you drink a lot of coffee? Do you enjoy sucking on a squid’s ink teat?

Then your teeth could use a good whitening and for years Crest and other oral hygiene companies have been providing home teeth whitening kits.

The problem with regular Crest Whitestrips was that you couldn’t do much with your mouth while they were in there. Have a conversation with someone? Drink a glass of water? Lip sync and dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)”? Oral sex? None of that was possible with the original Whitestrips.

Crest recently announced their new Whitestrips Advanced Seal, which provides easier application, a stronger grip, form fitting, and cleaner removal than the regular Crest Whitestrips. I tried the original Whitestrips and they did significantly whiten my teeth to match my pale skin. Although, I didn’t like the film they left on my teeth after I removed them. Hopefully, the Advanced Seal version will solve that problem and my desire to lip sync and dance to Beyonce songs. A 14-day supply will cost you about $45.

Are you having trouble keeping the skeletons in your closet neatly arranged? If so, the Ziploc Flexible Totes might just be for you. A couple years ago, Ziploc introduced their Big Bags in three sizes, the largest of which was about 2 feet wide and 3 feet tall. They were big enough to hold closet skeletons, but they couldn’t stack on top of each other very well. That changes with these cube-shaped bags that can hold closet skeletons in all shapes and sizes. Affairs, illegitimate children, that night of drunken experimentation, those years in the porn industry, that time you spent in prison, and so much more can fit in these Ziploc Flexible Totes. The flexible, heavy-duty plastic and easy-close zippers ensure that your skeletons stay where they’re supposed to. They come in two sizes: a 10-gallon XL bag and for you extreme sinners a 22-gallon XXL bag.

In my parents’ attempts to slim me down so that they wouldn’t need to order husky children’s clothing from the Sears & Roebuck catalog, they fed me Raisin Bran. While other kids my age were chomping down on sugary cereals with names they would use in the future to order drugs, like Trix and Lucky Charms, I was consuming bran flakes that got soggy as soon as it was exposed to moisture with raisin that had a weird white coating.

My parents were never able to order regular sized clothing for me, thanks to the sodas and Otter Pops I consumed at my friend’s house down the street, but if the new Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Extra was introduced back then, I might’ve not been on the borderline of child obesity. This new cereal not only contains the obligatory crunchy bran flakes and plump raisins, it’s also made up of yogurt clusters, sweet cranberries, and almond slices. It’s like a hippie natural foods store in a box. A cup of it has 190 calories, 3 grams of fat, 140 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.