FAST FOOD FIVE – 2/15/2014

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Here are five recent fast food news bites:

I guess the bigger patties will make that middle bun look less huge. (via Business Wire)

Chick-grilll-a. (via Brand Eating)

White Castle is ready for Lent. (via Grub Grade)

Imagine replacing the cheese rolls on this burger with American cheese rolls. Mmmm…messy. (via Brand Eating)

You could buy a car or furniture at a President’s Day sale. Or you could purchase a hot dog for a dollar. (via Grub Grade)

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Birthday Edition Flavor Flashback Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts

Kellogg's Birthday Edition Flavor Flashback Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts

Much that makes this world excellent is breaching the big 5-0 this year: Lucky Charms, The Giving Tree, the Civil Rights Act, Dr. Strangelove. Even my beloved Pop-Tarts are whipping out their walkers and hauling their rectangular, toastified hineys Over The Hill, and, in what can only be described as a birthday party for the public, Pop-Tarts is blessing us with a flavor that’s existed only in the history books since its 2009 extinction: Chocolate Vanilla Crème.

Kellogg's Birthday Edition Flavor Flashback Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts Fresh out of the wrapper

Right out of the wrapper, the smell of Cocoa Puffs poofs into the kitchen, knocking my nose around with smells of cocoa cereal and sweet, sweet sugar. There’s no trace of vanilla scooting into my nose just yet, but I’ve yet to crack open the gooey insides. Quick, get thee to a toaster!

Post-toast, the crust retains that certain crunch of a crackle that I so love to find in my Pop-Tarts, bursting open to reveal a layer of white goo that holds all the smell and consistency of marshmallow fluff.

And while the crust delivers on texture, it’s a bit dulled on the flavor spectrum. More mild than Cookies n’ Crème, less chocolatey than a Teddy Graham, the initial wafts of cocoa only transfer the lightest hints of a Tootsie-Roll-like cocoa powder into the actual taste, landing with all the sadness of a deflated red balloon from a French film.

Kellogg's Birthday Edition Flavor Flashback Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts marshmallowy innards

What reins supreme is the gooey frosting center, which retains the taste and texture of a fluffified Betty Crocker Icing. The volume of his poofy innard feels scant, becoming peculiarly crusty if toasted for too long, but it delivers a powerful punch of a sugar rush with a tinge of artificial vanilla to bring some flavor to the faintly flavored crust.

Despite the wonky balance in flavor, when the forces of both elements combine, the whole Flashback Flavor tastes a bit like the birthday cake you might find at your friendly neighborhood grocer, and who’s to judge if you’re a lover grocery store birthday cake? Nary a soul! Lift up your weary head, Birthday Cake Lover, for your cake, too, should be celebrated in all its glorious, unquestioned sugary sweetness. In fact, if you or your significant other has a hankering for grocery store cake but is worried about frosting-coated fingers, consider picking up a box of these for Valentine’s Day. Nothing says, “I love you” like a new version of a formerly extinct toaster pastry.

I have a theory that, with every year we age, we get 1 percent more awesome. If that’s true, Pop-Tarts are 50 percent awesome this year. Classic flavors, like Strawberry and Brown Sugar Cinnamon, coupled with some of the newer flavors, like Pumpkin Pie and Peanut Butter, prove that Pop-Tarts’ 50 percent awesomeness has been attained. Unfortunately, this particular flavor fell just a smidge short from its tasty kin for me. While its sugary sweetness covered me to ride on a 6-day Sugar Rush, the crust was a bit flat on flavor and the filling, while fluffy, fell on the sword of too little vanilla flavor.

Kellogg's Birthday Edition Flavor Flashback Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts Part of this birthday balanced breakfast

At the same time, while these may not amaze, I have to remember: these particular Pop-Tarts weren’t built to amaze. They were built to remind. To harken back to a Pop-Tart of yore, and, on that note, they deliver. For those nostalgic for the ol’ Chocolate Vanilla Crème or looking for a good eBay item to sell, definitely stock up now. For others searching for a powerful chocolate vanilla experience, these fall short, reminding that Pop-Tarts may be 50 percent awesome, but they still have 50 percent more room to grow.

So Happy 50th, Pop-Tarts. Thank you for bringing me your pastries. Please continue to do so for another 50. I’ll continue to eat them by the box-full.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 toaster pastry – 200 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 20 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Birthday Edition Flavor Flashback Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts
Purchased Price: $1.98
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Crispy crust. Marshmallowy sugar innards. Smells like Cocoa Puffs. Betty Crocker icing. The Giving Tree. Pop-Tarts are officially 50 percent awesome. Celebration for grocery store cake.
Cons: Not as chocolatey as they smell. More sugary than vanilla-y. Innards get cooked away when in the toaster too long. Toaster pastry extinction. Popped balloons of sorrow.

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 2/14/2014

Here are some interesting new and limited edition products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers. If you’ve tried any of the products, share your thoughts about them in the comments.

Jif Salted Caramel Hazelnut Spread

Another Jif Hazelnut Spread. Get your knives ready. Or spoons. Or hands. Or tongue, if you have a long one. (Spotted by Nick at Price Chopper.)

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Deluxe White Cheddar & Garlic & Herbs and Original Cheddar & Garden Veggie

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dragon 2 Shapes

Guess which Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is for adult and which one is for children. Then guess which one I’m more likely to purchase. (Spotted by Troy A at Walmart.)

Oscar Mayer P3 Portable Protein Pack

P3 could also mean Precarious Protein Pick. Or Poor Peckish Purchaser. (Spotted by Troy A at Walmart.)

Yoplait Greek 100 Blended Apple Pie

The internet tells me this is a new Yoplait Greek 100 Blended flavor. The internet has been known to be wrong from time to time to time to time, so it may or may not be new. (Spotted by Leslie at Giant Eagle.)

Smartfood Delight Popcorn

Smartfood Delight + Smartwater = 0 increase in intelligence. (Spotted by Joshua at Walmart.)

Lance Bolds Cracker Sandwiches

Wait a minute. Lance was founded in 1913. Did they come out with something birthday cake flavored last year? (Spotted by Jackie at Walmart.)

Thank you to all the photo contributors! If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new or limited edition product on the shelf, snap a picture of it, and send us an email (theimpulsivebuy@gmail.com) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – Ben & Jerry’s Core Ice Cream

Ben & Jerry's That's My Jam Core Ice Cream

Ben & Jerry's Salted Caramel and Peanut Butter Fudge Core Ice Cream

Ben & Jerry's Hazed & Confused and Karamel Sutra Core Ice Cream

Look at us U.K. We’ve got Ben & Jerry’s Core flavors now. Yup, it’s no longer just “Core flavours”, it’s also now “Core flavors.” You’re not so special anymore. Although, I am jealous you have Ben & Jerry’s Baked Alaska. (Spotted by Andrew at SuperTarget.)

If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new or limited edition product on the shelf, snap a picture of it, and send us an email (theimpulsivebuy@gmail.com) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

REVIEW: Crest Be Adventurous Mint Chocolate Trek Toothpaste

Crest Be Adventurous Mint Chocolate Trek Toothpaste

Hey, partner! Are you ready for an adventure? Let’s go! Jump on the back of this train! Shhh, we’re stowaways! Avoid the lions! Climb a mountain! Keep hydrated! Crack a whip! Look, our trusty sidekick Short Round is here! (Holy Moly! Hi, it’s me!) Down the waterfall! Oh no, snakes! We hate snakes. We’re at the secret cave! The treasure is behind this rock. Let’s push it! Help us out, Short Round! (Okie!) Whoa! The treasure is … a tube of toothpaste! The treasure is a tube of toothpaste? The treasure is a tube of toothpaste.

Oh hell no. (My teeth clean already! How ‘bout yours?)

This is the “adventure”? (Look! It’s mint chocolate!) Hmmm. All right, Crest Be Adventurous Mint Chocolate Trek. Chocolate toothpaste is maybe a little bit of an adventure if you squint. Let’s check this toothpaste out.

The first question is: Who is this for? The packaging is crafted, muted, and detailed. The colors used are tasteful. Adventurous is one of three in the Crest Be line of toothpastes. The others are Inspired and Dynamic. These aren’t child words. I suppose you don’t want to confuse kids by throwing them into the deep end of mint chocolate toothpaste, lest end up having them cake their teeth with Nutella before bed and thinking that’s hygiene when the babysitter is on watch. Crest Be Adventurous Mint Chocolate Trek is for adults. Adults who know about toothpaste rules and want to deny toothpaste rules. It’s a way to start your day or your night with a kick of fake “rebellion.”

Crest Be Adventurous Mint Chocolate Trek Toothpaste Closeup

It looks like mint chocolate chip ice cream, with a light green base specked with bits of brown. (Tastes like ice cream too!) Oh, Short Round is still here. Yes, it tastes a little bit like it too, at least like the mass produced Baskin-Robbins version of the flavor. Maybe that says more about the state of ice cream than it does this toothpaste. But most of all it smells like it. It smells like what mint chocolate chip ice cream smells like in my memory, like some Willy Wonka monstrosity. Oh, here come the Oompa Loompas. They’re carrying away Short Round. Strange…he’s going willingly. (Bye bye!) Okay, have fun, kid.

It’s not that bad tasting. The toothpaste is a cool mint, less sharp than other mentholated toothpastes. This is probably for the ability to showcase the hint of chocolate, which can be compared to the dulled chocolate taste of an Oreo wafer. Actually, the entire brushing experience can be sort of compared to grinding up a bunch of holiday Oreos and sticking them in your mouth and then spitting them back out.

It does feel a little strange/exciting to smear what tastes like chocolate all over my teeth. The weirdest part is the cognitive dissonance. My instincts say to consume some cookies, but my brain reminds me to eject it, resulting in feeling both teased and unsatisfied. A little bit like cookies ‘n cream methadone. The chocolate taste pairs pretty well with the mint, dissipating quickly, and less than five minutes after brushing, the mouth feels like it was brushed with any ol’ mint toothpaste.

Crest Be Adventurous Mint Chocolate Trek Toothpaste Box

It costs almost six bucks for a smallish tube, which is not a lot if you consider it an “adventure” as Crest does. (I do not!) Short Round is back! What’s up, dude? (I stab orange boy and he just lay there. I cut green hair off and make wig!) Oh, you did. We’ll have to dump that body later. Did you try the toothpaste, Short Round? (Oh yeah!) What did you think? (Taste okay but seems silly. You want chocolate, eat chocolate. Don’t be stupid. Novelty is novelty!)

Sounds about right. (Real “adventure.” Yeah right, Crest.) Haha. (You want to explore unknown? Go explore true unknown. Death!) Oh, boy. I think I’m off board on that one. (Why? We all going to die. Accept it. Sweet release!) Okay. Well, that’s all for us. And for the record Crest Be Adventurous Mint Chocolate Trek Toothpaste is better than death. (That opinion!)

Item: Crest Be Adventurous Mint Chocolate Trek Toothpaste
Purchased Price: $5.49
Size: 4.5 oz tube
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pretty smooth, balanced flavoring. Is reminiscent of Oreo cookies. Smearing chocolate on your teeth without guilt.
Cons: Pangs in stomach from “eating” candy, but not eating candy. Not sure why it exists. Costs more than regular toothpaste. Not really an adventure.