I’m not a big fan of eating messy foods, like ribs, because my OCD starts whispering in my head, “Hey! You have sauce on your fingers…grease too. Also, those napkins are getting sticky. You can wipe your face and hands with a wet-nap but it’s still there. Keep wiping. You’ll never get rid of the smell.”

Agggggh, shut the hell up!!!

However, it’s a different story with breaded chicken wings. I dislike naked wings because I love how the breading soaks up whatever sauce it’s engulfed in, but maintains a little crispy give that satiates that “bite-down” rush. Greasy, fried chicken-smelling fingers be damned! I’ll tear into drumsticks and wings like any of the undead in the now over-exposed zombie genre. It’s a guilty pleasure and I prefer to eat them in the privacy of my home and away from company…even my wife.

So when I heard McDonald’s was going to sell (for a limited time) chicken wings under the idiotic name, Mighty Wing, I was skeptical. The name reminds me of The Mighty Ducks or Mighty Joe Young. Anything named “mighty” is sure to disappoint, right? (Except Mighty Mouse.)

Oh, how wrong I was. McDonald’s plan sounds shaky at first; they sell burgers, not chicken wings. Yet, I also thought about the midnight fast food binges most of us have experienced, and sometimes you just want damn hot wings. Besides, how many burritos or Krystal burgers can you eat after midnight before it becomes boring? And haven’t you always wanted McDonald’s fries with some hot wings? It can’t just be me.

McDonald’s touts on their box, “It’s Time for Bone-In Chicken.” That’s weird and sounds pseudosexual in an awful way. However, the box also sternly warns, “Spicy. Bold. Delicious.”

McDonald’s delivered on its triple threat.

I opted for the 5-piece because an order of ten only tips the guilty pleasure/gluttony scale. As for the order of 3-pieces, that is a blatant lie to yourself and everyone you love.

Due to my wife’s wheat allergy, I knew the fries were deep fried in its own vat. This is great because fried foods that smell and taste alike are a pet peeve of mine. Don’t believe me? Next time order fish and chips at some seedy place and note how smell and taste almost the same. I was happy, but not surprised, that only the scent of fried chicken wafted out of the bag.

It was a long ten minute drive back to the house and the box was still hot. I don’t think McDonald’s is given enough recognition for their packaging. Seldom, except for the fries, do I get anything from McDonald’s that is not warm when I get home. This box of poultry extremities is a testament.

On my first bite, the chicken’s coating was satisfyingly crispy which then gave way to a moistness in the meat that can only be achieved through a deep fryer with perfectly scalding, clean oil or magic farts from a dragon. I’m going with magical farts because I cannot stress how perfectly fried these wings were and I do not believe any human could have done these.

The other thing noticeable on the first bite was the spicy heat that sauntered in smoothly (but that may also be from magic dragon farts too). I could tell the grease from the wings were sufficiently drained because there was little oily residue on my fingers. The breading was in the “Goldilocks” zone, where it was thick enough to give your canines that pleasurable and violent passion of tearing into it. Too many times breaded wings are so over coated: I just taste fried, floury breading, which sucks.

I could also taste the characteristics of black pepper from the paprika. However, unlike black pepper that mildly fades away like the credibility of those late night ads that promise to make your dong super large, the paprika’s heat confidently hangs on with each bite. The hints of onion and garlic lend a slightly sweet taste, but it’s quickly punched in the face by the intoxicating salty and spicy concerto that barrages your mouth.

Like a bookend, the last thing I tasted was the previously mentioned spiciness. I was impressed the peppery heat stayed well after I devoured the wings. While I normally eat hot wings that make you poop lava, and these Mighty Wings don’t get near that level, I was surprised by their heat.

One gripe I had was the wing-to-drumstick ratio. In a perfect world where magic dragon farts and penis enlarging pills exist, it would be all drumsticks but I got only two drums and three wings. Another gripe was not being asked for any a choice of sauce and given two Tangy Barbecue containers like they were default prizes. Maybe it was just this particular McDonald’s, but a cold creamy ranch would’ve make this perfect.

This last gripe isn’t really an issue for me, but it may be one for you. Paying $4.99 for five wings is a tad steep when you compare it with Buffalo Wild Wings or any other places that makes its name on wings and beer. I’ll pay for the convenience of ordering it through a drive-thru speaker because I’m that damned lazy. So you’ll have to wage for yourself if it’s worth paying for. I’ll be honest, if I was eating this inside a McDonald’s, I’m not sure I would drop five dollars for them. However, they are so good, I just may.

Although chicken wings are common, it’s rare that wings are done so well. More often than not, they are overfried until they are dry like the scabs on your knee you are told not to pick. Worse, some are drowned in thick and viscous sauces. McDonald’s does a great job with their Mighty Wings and delivers on the spicy, the bold, and the delicious.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 pieces – 480 calories, 31 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 145 milligrams of cholesterol, 1450 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, and 30 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Mighty Wings
Purchased Price: $4.99 (5-piece)
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Perfectly breaded. The spice packs a punch. The chicken was moist. You can now have wings with a Quarter Pounder and fries. The heat stays around. Magic Dragon farts.
Cons: It’s only a limited affair. When your OCD is mind-effing you. Zombie genre is more over-exposed than twerking. Kinda pricey. Wing to drum ratio is a tad disappointing. The term “bone-in” is stupid.

Below are descriptions of three different McDonald’s Quarter Pounder varieties:

A quarter pound juicy beef patty topped with melty American cheese, crisp red onion, crinkle-cut pickles, thick-cut Applewood smoked bacon, ketchup and mustard, on a toasted bakery-style bun.

A quarter pound juicy beef patty topped with melty American cheese, crisp red onion, crinkle-cut pickles, ripe tomato, leaf lettuce, mayo and mustard, on a toasted bakery-style bun.

A quarter pound juicy beef patty topped with melty American cheese, crisp red onion, crinkle-cut pickles, thick-cut Applewood smoked bacon, ripe tomato, leaf lettuce, mayo and mustard, on a toasted bakery-style bun.

Now that you’ve read them, cover the descriptions with your hand and then guess which one is for McDonald’s Deluxe Quarter Pounder, Bacon & Cheese Quarter Pounder, and new BLT Quarter Pounder.

Go on. Humor me. The answers are at the bottom of this post.

Didn’t get them correct? Don’t feel bad. The differences between the three are slight. It’s as if McDonald’s cross-pollinated their Deluxe Quarter Pounder with their Bacon & Cheese Quarter Pounder to make the BLT version. Or perhaps a better way to explain the BLT Quarter Pounder is to say it’s what you’d probably get if the person making your burger got confused between the Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese and ended up making it wrong.

The BLT Quarter Pounder is an uninspired burger, but it is satisfying. Because it’s topped with almost every vegetable and condiment a McDonald’s crew member can get his or her gloved hands on, it has a wide variety of flavors. There’s the seasoned beef patty, the salty slices of somewhat crispy bacon, the creamy mayonnaise, the bite of the pickles, the savory cheese, and, at times, thanks to the improved Applewood bacon, the burger tastes like a BLT sandwich. However, with so many ingredients, some of them got lost.

The amount of mustard in the two sandwiches I ate was a bit pitiful. Peeling back the bun, there was a lot more mayonnaise than mustard, and it looked like someone was trying to write their name in the snow with their pee. To be honest, I don’t understand why mustard is included. Because I’m pretty sure BLT sandwiches don’t come with mustard. And the same can be said about the pickles and onions. Speaking of the crispy red onions, which I’ve always thought were more pungent than white onions, they were as low-key as the green lettuce and tomato slice.

Now let me take a moment to complain about the “bakery-style bun.” It’s toasted and a decent vehicle for all the meat, vegetables, and condiments. However, I don’t like those thingies on top of the bun. They tend to fall off easily, leaving a mess. It’s messier than McDonald’s sesame seed bun.

Much like the Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese Quarter Pounders, there isn’t anything that screams “LOOK AT MEEE!!!” about the BLT Quarter Pounder. It’s basically a bacon deluxe cheeseburger. However, it’s a decent burger with good flavor, and if you enjoyed the other varieties you’ll probably like this one too. But your taste buds will probably think, “Yeah, we’ve had this before.”

(Nutrition Facts – 640 calories, 310 calories from fat, 35 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1360 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 37 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s BLT Quarter Pounder
Purchased Price: $4.99*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Great, if you love bacon deluxe cheeseburgers. At times, it tastes like a BLT sandwich. The bacon. Green lettuce (not the pale stuff on Big Macs). Making readers do weird things in front of a screen.
Cons: An uninspired burger. With so many ingredients, some of them get lost. Too similar to other Quarter Pounder varieties. The thingies on top of the bun make a mess. Red onions and mustard didn’t add anything.

*because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean I probably pay more than you do.

Answers: Bacon & Cheese, Deluxe, and BLT.