The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Fruttare Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bars (Strawberry, Peach, Banana, and Coconut)

June 12, 2013December 24, 2020 Kelley 19 Comments

I find it odd that Fruttare would choose to call these “Dessert Bars”.

I usually do what food packaging tells me to do (once I pop, I don’t stop; I will, indeed, take it to the XTREME), but I have a thing about preconceived notions in regards to when I should be eating certain foods. I’ll order buffalo chicken strips for breakfast at Denny’s. I’ll even get a fourthmeal from somewhere other than Taco Bell.

To me, frozen treats are an “anytime food”. What’s wrong with a Klondike bar at 2pm? Otter Pop as a quick sugar fix in the morning? Sure, why not?

That said, Fruttare trying to tell me that their Fruit and Milk Bars are for dessert use only might as well be a dare to eat five of them for breakfast. In fact, their two major components – those being fruit and milk, if you haven’t gathered that yet – are like, 1/2 of what childhood commercials have told me is a complete breakfast. Just grab some toast and a bowl of Lucky Charms to go along with it and you’re set.

But, enough babbling about semantics. According to Fruttare, their Fruit and Milk Bars are “the first nationally available line of its kind”. While a super-quick Google search does not dispute that, things like frozen yogurt bars are rising in the ranks of frozen treats, so we’ll see how Fruttare’s take on frozen fruit+dairy holds up.

Fruttare Strawberry and Milk Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bar

I figured that if there was something that was going to be fundamentally flawed about these Fruit and Milk bars, it would come out in the Strawberry flavor. I like strawberries. I like milk. I like strawberry milk. I like strawberry ice cream. What could go wrong? She asks, ominously.

The answer to that is nothing, really. Right off the bat, I noticed that Fruttare Fruit and Milk bars are much firmer than Fruttare’s Ice Bars, which makes sense, because, well…milk.

The Fruit and Milk bars lack the tartness of yogurt, but have a nice, smooth texture. Strawberry and Milk had an excellent balance of milky flavor and authentic strawberry taste, complete with real strawberry chunks that were just the right size.

There were no inherent flaws with the Strawberry and Milk Dessert Bar. I found it to be an enjoyable frozen treat that wasn’t too sweet and had great fruit flavor.

If there’s a flaw to this flavor, it’s that it’s almost too pedestrian. It tastes like Fruttare took any major brand of strawberry ice cream and put it on a stick. While this results in tastiness, it doesn’t exactly break any major ground in the world of frozen milk-based foods, unless you count the stick, I guess.

Fruttare Peach and Milk Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bar

I remember that, as a kid, we always had a box of Quaker Instant Oatmeal Fruit and Cream Variety Pack in the house. The berry flavors always went quickly, and then it was a fight between my brother and I to see who could grab the Peaches and Cream first, leaving the loser with Bananas and Cream, which would usually languish in the box until my mother demanded that someone eat it before a new box could be bought.

Peaches and cream seem to be made for each other, at least, according to some R&B group I’ve never heard of and the lotion section of Bath & Body Works, which also taught me long ago that I’m allergic to anything that smells good. Seriously, I can’t walk past a B&BW in the mall without sneezing about five times.

In a surprising twist, I found that I enjoyed Peach and Milk even more than Strawberry and Milk. These bars have a great peach flavor without being too cloyingly sweet or overpowering, which I just now decided should be called “Canned Fruit Cocktail Syndrome”.

The peach and milk worked together like best friends, punctuated by real peach chunks that were the perfect size, neither so small they are just mush or so big that you feel like you’re chewing through your Dessert Bar.

I also found Peach and Milk to be refreshing, which is an unexpected sensation, given that I don’t exactly imagine myself reaching for milk when I’m looking to cool down. Peach and Milk would be a great treat in the steamy Georgian summer as you sit on the swing on your front porch.

That’s just a suggested serving. You don’t need to be in Georgia or have a swing – or a front porch, in fact – to enjoy a Fruttare Peach and Milk Dessert Bar. Or have it for dessert, dammit.

Fruttare Banana and Milk Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bar

The only artificially banana-flavored food I can tolerate are banana Runts, and that’s only because the shape of them is fun in my mouth. I mean that literally, so take your minds out of the damn gutter.

I think my dislike of artificial banana started as a very young child at the dentist’s office. For some reason, they thought banana would be a great flavor choice for that goo they smeared on my gums before they shot me full of Novocaine using a syringe that looked like it belonged to Dr. Killjoy. Dentistry has moved beyond that these days, but not by much, and the traumatic artificial banana memories remain. Traumananatic. Banatraumatic? Eh, nevermind.

I found the Fruttare Banana and Milk Bar to be an interesting mix of good and bad. It had a weird flavor combination of real and fake banana. I found the banana flavor to be too strong – the bar had a nice, smooth texture, but I wasn’t really able to enjoy it because there was so much banana flavoring crammed in there that it overwhelmed the milk part of the bar.

There was also a large disparity between the banana chunks. Some were tiny pieces of mush with no flavor distinguishable from the rest of the bar, while others were nice-sized chunks that gave a welcome burst of real banana flavor and the texture of real fruit.

Given the flavors so far, I was disappointed by the Banana and Milk Dessert Bar. If you really like bananas and don’t mind having some artificial flavor in the mix, then I’d call this a perfectly acceptable frozen treat. I personally found the fruit flavoring too aggressive and was a little put off by the small mushy chunks.

Fruttare Coconut and Milk Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bar

Coconuts in water and milk form have become quite popular, especially among people who enjoy following health crazes. If you believe all the hype, I’m pretty sure coconuts cure cancer, gout, restless leg syndrome, and that thing that’s been growing on your back that you’re afraid to see a doctor about.

Coconuts are also popular among people who like to voluntarily strand themselves on deserted islands, like Les Stroud, Bear Grylls, the Mythbusters, that hippy guy from Dual Survival who never wears shoes and constantly regrets it, every single person on the 26 seasons of Survivor, and Myke Hawke, who has the best name on television but doesn’t seem to realize it.

Oh right, and centuries of indigenous people around the world. Coconuts are popular. I think you get the idea.

Taking all of that into account, it seems natural that coconuts and milk would work well together in Dessert Bar form. And they did, for the most part.

Right off the bat, I noticed the Coconut and Milk Bar was much firmer than the other Dessert Bars. This might be because there seems to be a ton of coconut jammed in there.

Unlike the other Fruit and Milk Bars, Coconut and Milk had coconut shavings instead of chunks. I think this was a good choice by Fruttare, since coconuts tend to be more comfortable in shaved form.

Every bite of this bar had coconut shavings in it, so much so that after the milk part melted away, you were left with a little ball of coconut chaw. Luckily, coconut chaw is much tastier than tobacco chaw, and there is no spittoon required to consume these Dessert Bars.

Of all the Dessert Bars, Coconut and Milk most closely matched the tropical feel of their box. The coconut flavor and texture were definitely prominent, but the milk helped to smooth things out.

I have mixed feelings on the amount of coconut contained in these Dessert Bars, however. While it was a little bizarre to be left with some coconuts shavings to chew after the milk part melted away, but if you’re a coconut lover, this part might appeal to your tropical island fantasies.

I was surprised to find that Fruttare’s Fruit and Milk Dessert Bars had such different personalities, which makes me feel like one of those people who believe identical twins are practically the same person. Each bar had its own characteristics, and for the most part, they worked out. Seeing as how these are the first Fruit and Milk Bars available in the US, Fruttare did a pretty good job in breaking new ground.

(Nutrition Facts — 1 bar – Strawberry – 110 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than one gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 10% vitamin C, and 4% calcium. Peach – 110 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 10% vitamin C, and 4% calcium. Banana – 120 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 18 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 6% calcium. Coconut – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 16% calcium.)

Item: Fruttare Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bars (Strawberry, Peach, Banana, and Coconut)
Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 4 bars per box
Purchased at: Received samples from Fruttare
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Strawberry)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Peach)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Banana)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Coconut)
Pros: Strawberry and Peach had perfectly-sized fruit chunks. First Fruit and Milk Bars in the US. Peach was surprisingly refreshing. Banana had some larger chunks that were authentic. Coconut was very tropical. Milk went smoothly with the fruits. Myke Hawke’s name.
Cons: Strawberry was pretty ordinary. Calling them Dessert Bars is dumb. Banana and some artificial flavor and mushy chunks. Being allergic to things that smell good. Banana flavor overwhelmed milk flavor. Coconut might have too much coconut for some. “Chaw”.

REVIEW: Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple

June 11, 2013July 19, 2023 Margaret 1 Comment

Ursa Minor: it’s not just a constellation.

For decades now Nabisco has offered box-fulls of “ursa minors” or, for those of us who don’t speak Latin and have to use Google to translate (i.e. me), “little bears.”

Yes, these wee little ursidae-shaped graham cookies have nourished the childhoods and adulthoods of many humans marching forth into unknown world.

And while the world is still rife with unknowns, I am confident I can keep on marching while nourishing my brain with a bunch of little bears from a box of Teddy Grahams, and now Nabisco is offering these graham-infused goodies in Apple flavor.

The ever-classic duo: One bear cheers. The other does a cool dance with his hands down. Or maybe reverse jumping jacks? Or a 90s workout video? I’ve never really known.

I once read that animals gather together in anticipation of a natural disaster. If that’s true, these Teddy Grahams make me wonder if I should stock up on canned goods and AA batteries because there are a buncha bears gathered in here. According to my ~~calculations~~ calculator, I get a whopping 216 bears per box. That’s enough bears to last me a hibernation…or at least three episodes of Breaking Bad and some midnight ice cream (Maybe a good Talenti vanilla bean? Or Jeni’s Brown Butter?)

But number games aside, how does their taste stand up to their fellow mammal-shaped brethren?

Apple, apple, apple. That’s what I hope for in taste of an Apple Teddy Graham and, boy howdy, that’s what I got. No mushy, half-hearted pomme flavoring here. These taste of tart, crisp Granny Smiths and, while it doesn’t say so in the ingredients, I swear there’s a hint of a lemony bite hidden in here. There aren’t any apple chunks hangin’ around, but the presence of a quality applesauce is present throughout each graham. It’s like the crispy bits of apple pie crust in the form of a grizzly.

If that Teddy Graham were Indiana Jones, the apple would be the boulder chasing him through the cave.

Now, if I had the chance, some secret agent skills, and a power tool that would allow me to swoop in during the dark of night and edit the Teddy Graham recipe, I’d add some cinnamon to get a little depth to these itty-bitty wonders as the apple flavor can get overwhelming, but it’s nothing a little blending with some cinnamon Teddies couldn’t fix.

What’s surprising is that the applesauce doesn’t affect the snap of these bears. They remain just as crunchy as any Teddy Graham I’ve ever encountered, a pleasant discovery given that applesauce tends to make baked goods more dense and chewy. The snap also makes these exceptionally easy to munch. Theoretically, if I continued at the rate I’m going, I’d build up my jaw muscles enough so that I’d soon be ready for try-outs for the sport of “Chewing” at the next Olympic games.

And, while the snackability rate is possible in theory, after a handful or two, I’m good. These quell any apple pie craving, but they’re not my favorites. I commend the presence of calcium and whole grains and actual applesauce, but the apple flavor gets dull after a bit and I’m ready to move on.

In the end, these grahams came, saw, and were eaten, and, by all the pigeons in Central Park, I do declare they delivered on their promise. At the same time, they don’t quite fill the cookie craving in my soul. If you hoard your Granny Smiths at the spark of fall’s harvest or have dreamed of small crisps that evoke apple pie crust, these may be right up your alley. For me, they get a gold star for being pleasant, but haven’t yet reached a caliber of greatness.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 pieces – 130 calories, 35 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 10% iron, and 10% zinc.)

Item: Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple
Purchased Price: $2.88
Size: 10 oz. box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Predominant thought while eating is, “Pretty good.” Tastes like real apples in graham form. Real applesauce. Calcium. Whole grains. A cookie that doesn’t explode my cholesterol levels. In the shape of a bear. Secret agent skills. 90s workout videos.
Cons: Predominant thought while eating is, “Pretty good.” Could use a pinch of cinnamon. Apple flavor gets overbearing. Doesn’t quite fill cookie craving. Foreboding natural disasters. Realizing my dependency on calculators. There is no “Chewing” competition at the Olympics.

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 6/10/2013

June 10, 2013December 24, 2020 Marvo 4 Comments

Here are some interesting new and limited edition products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers. If you’ve tried any of the products, share your thoughts about them in the comments.

There ain’t no party like a Limited Edition Totino’s Mexican Style Party Pizza Party cuz a Limited Edition Totino’s Mexican Style Party Pizza Party stops when the Limited Edition Totino’s Mexican Style Party Pizza Party runs out. (Spotted by Adam at Walmart.)

Nature Valley making something other than granola? Have I been transported to another dimension where Nature Valley makes only oatmeal products and Quaker makes only granola products? (Spotted by Bobby at Woodman’s.)

Oh, thank goodness! I don’t have a big enough stomach to eat a a full-sized DiGiorno Pizza Dipping Strips. Oh, who am I kidding? I do. (Spotted by Marvo at Safeway.)

Wow! Cracker Jack is pumping out new varieties like it’s on crack. (Spotted by Cortney at CVS.)

Thank you to all the photo contributors! If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new or limited edition product on the shelf, snap a picture of it, and send us an email ([email protected]) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich

June 10, 2013August 29, 2023 Adam

Throughout the course of human history, it becomes necessary, at certain times when the illusion of progress has been reached, to stretch culinary creativity even further.

Especially in fast food lest we become too far accustomed to dry hamburger patties on stale sesame seed buns or rubbery egg byproducts adorned with nothing more than cold, unmelted processed “cheese.”

In 2009, it was the Double Down. More recently, it was the fusing of chip and taco for Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos. Shocking, innovative, delicious, and perhaps even life threatening in copious amounts? No doubt. But completely freaking worth it.

But has such innovation been available before 10:30 AM?

No.

So with an eye towards pushing the envelope of acceptable gluttony at the breakfast table even beyond the realms of Fruity Pebbles consumed with half-and-half while sitting naked in front of reruns of Looney Tunes*, Dunkin’ Donuts has unveiled the Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich.

To be honest, I wasn’t surprised when I heard about it. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited to try the sandwich, but not in the OMG shock-and-awe kind of excitement that resonates in middle school text message conversations. Personally, I’ve been eating salty and meaty things on donuts for years.

What with the proximity of Burger King and Krispy Kreme in Salt Lake City Airport’s Terminal B, it was inevitable during my money-strapped and homesick college days that those two worlds would collide in a surprisingly tasty combination. And given the burgeoning popularity of any number of Luther Burger designs, I know I’m not the only one who has been waiting for the mainstream acceptance of using a donut as a bun.

Boasting a pepper-fried egg and cherrywood-smoked bacon, the sandwich comes out just like any of Dunkin’s other toasted sandwiches — an employee zaps the egg and bacon in a microwave/toaster oven/silver box I presume cooks (or at the very least warms) the food, and then the contents are assembled on the bread of choice. I didn’t ask if I could get the sandwich with another type of donut, but the Original Glazed is a no brainer.

However, Dunkin’s Glazed Donut has its flaws. Namely, it’s a bit on the petite side, and doesn’t have the kind of homemade rise that really, really good donuts have. But it’s still light and airy with that sweetly rich taste of fried dough that makes eating a donut much more pleasant than eating…Well, celery or some crap like that.

I especially liked how the flavors of the fried egg and bacon, oozing their own buttery and pork fat juices, respectively, seeped inside of the donut. It’s like someone decided to put sweet cream butter on a donut. Why has no one thought to do that before?

Anyways, the glaze, while slightly chipped in places and not boasting 100 percent topside coverage, had been warmed in the radiant heat of the wrapper, resurrecting it to a fresh baked, slightly gooey, and stick-to-your-fingers texture that will leave you licking your lips hours after finishing.

As for the pepper fried egg and cherrywood bacon, both were good, but not that good. The egg had a decent flavor with some saltiness and butteriness. It didn’t, however, have a crisp fried egg texture. And the only thing the black pepper specks added to the party was a hint of disjointedness with the donut’s sweetness.

The bacon was good, but limp. They were the standard fast food precooked strips that (ironically) many fast food restaurants are moving away from these days. Lacking crunch or a pronounced smoke flavor, I didn’t pick up on the cherrywood and missed what could have been a real textural contrast with the donut. Worse yet, I even managed to pick up a slightly burnt taste on the edges of one the stripes.

However, despite the bacon’s faults and it being cliché to say sandwiches scream for more bacon when all other attempts at improvement fail, this donut sandwich needs more damn bacon!

I also have to admit the sandwich is already a bit awkward to eat given its construction. Wrapped tightly in paper, the donut itself is compressed and somewhat steamed by the warm contents of the egg and bacon. That combination causes the donut’s underside to break down like a helpless burger bun battling against too much fat and moisture from a seeping patty.

Thusly, attempting to pick it up and eat it like an actual sandwich is a recipe for getting donut goo on yourself. I don’t mind so much because I think donut goo could make an attractive moisturizer or cologne.

Dunkin’ Donut’s new Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich is innovative, but messy. It’s good, but not great. It’s well thought out, but not executed well. In short, it’s not all that it could be, and not all that fast food junkies demand it should be. Still, for those spurred on by a bit of impulse and a hankering to try something new for their morning (or afternoon) routine, it’s an enjoyable bite of sweet and salty.

*Hypothetically speaking, of course.

(Nutrition Facts – 360 calories, 180 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 720 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.)

Other Dunkin’ Donuts Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich reviews:
Grub Grade
Junk Food Guy

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich
Purchased Price: $3.39
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Another affirmation of team sweet ‘n salty in the fast food world. Glazed donut gets resurrected in an gooey way. Egg patty has surprisingly good flavor. Tastes like a buttered glazed donut. Less calories than Dunkin’s “healthy” Turkey Sausage Sandwich.
Cons: Doesn’t go big or bold enough. Bacon lacks crunch or cherry smoke flavor. Pepper fried egg is not actually fried in butter, but instead infused with “Natural Sautéed Flavor.” Messy. Awkward to eat. Doesn’t feel quite worth its price tag.

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 6/7/2013

June 7, 2013December 24, 2020 Marvo 6 Comments

If these Lean Cuisine entrees are honestly good, then does that mean Lean Cuisine’s other frozen entrees are liars? And if I stick them in the microwave for too long, will their pants catch on fire? (Spotted by Marvo at Target.)

I just learned oikos means family or house. Thank you, internet! (Spotted by Kelcey at Fresh Grocer.)

Turn vanilla ice cream into a liquidless root beer float with Smucker’s Magic Shell Root Beer. Or if you miss the liquid, just wait with it for a few minutes in the summer sun. (Spotted by Eric at Winn Dixie.)

Tsssss. Tsssss. Tsssss. I’m just making the sizzling sounds these Smart Ones Pork Carnitas Fajitas probably won’t make. Or I’m licking my finger and touching myself with it to show how hot I am. (Spotted by Marvo at Target.)

Basic