The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: General Mills Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch

January 18, 2013February 13, 2023 Margaret 11 Comments

Juggler of Flaming Batons.

Academy Awards Ballot Counter.

Crayon Namer.

These were some of the 18 career paths I pursued in the summer of 2001. In order to meet the social and physical demands of said paths, I needed a good breakfast and, in accordance to my own priorities of nutrition, oats and sugar fit the bill, which is why I consumed a mix of Honey Nut Cheerios and Frosted Flakes for three weeks straight while tossing five batons in the air and thinking up crayon monikers like “Ghostbuster Slime.”

While I may not be a baton flame thrower, I haven’t forgotten that morning cereal blend, and thus, it came to my surprise, nostalgia, and anticipatory glee to discover this new Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch which promises not only a blend of O’s and sugary flakes, but clusters as well.

Let’s talk Honey Nut Cheerios: they’re simple. They don’t toss around marshmallows or throw confetti or swing on a trapeze (although it would be cool if they did. Could the people in product development get on that?). Heck, they don’t even taste of honey in that poofy, floral sense, but I’m cool with that. I don’t really want a greenhouse in my cereal bowl.

Tasting more of sugar, oats, and a hint of almond flavor, Honey Nut Cheerios holds a subtlety which makes them just right for anytime consumption, a phenomenon which has garnered them a fan base that deserves its own display at Comic Con. I’ve no doubt that Buzz, that anthropomorphic, sneaker-wearin’ bee, holds the secret recipe that, if revealed, would induce a political scandal all its own. Just look at his face…

It speaks of hidden secrets.

All these qualities make Honey Nut Cheerios versatile, and the greatness of that versatility is only heightened here. The classic O’s form the foundation (about 1/3 of the cereal), and, for all you Honey Nut connoisseurs, I am happy to report that there was no tampering with the formula of the classic O here, holding its trademark sweetness through and through.

The highlight came in the clusters, which are filled with whole oats and crispy thingies and smatterings of almonds. While the almonds don’t always come through, the clusters’ taste really shines in the department of roasted oats and brown sugar, which is a recipe for love if I’ve ever heard one. And did I mention they’re the size of small meteorites?

They add a heft that made me feel strong enough to carry a goat up the side of a mountain, then down the mountain, then maybe on a journey across the Oregon Trail. They are hard-terrain crunchy, requiring the most exercise from my teeth. I imagine crunching into one is akin to the satisfying feeling of accomplishment a beaver feels when s/he has gnawed through an especially tasty oak tree.

The downer about this cereal comes in the flakes, which are flimsy and, when immersed in liquid, dissolve into a brown, lumpy continent of soggy despair. However, I’m of two minds on this because the flakes taste pretty dad-gum good, having a deeper roasty almond flavor than the O’s that makes the regular Honey Nut Cheerios taste even better. What’s a human to do with tasty, yet soggy flakes?! Maybe, if I close my eyes and visualize my happy place, I can ignore the fact that I’m spooning brown, baby-food-esque globs of almond-tasting gloop in my mouth…

Or maybe I’ll just stick with this as a straight-from-the-bag cereal. Unless you’re keen on sog, I might suggest you do the same.

I often find myself in the cereal aisle experiencing the “Oh, I want that and that and that,” phenomenon, which results in a self-imposed peer pressure that amounts in purchasing more cereals than my pantry space permits. This Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch relieves that pressure.

Is this a mountain of honey oozing down from a crunchy exterior of fried dough? No. It’s a cereal mixture, and that’s okay with me. It’s not revolutionary and I wouldn’t necessarily choose it over Cinnamon Roll Frosted Mini Wheats, but it’s a balanced blend that tastes good from the bag, has plenty of clusters, and does something dandy for cholesterol. Sweet, soft, and a little edgy, this is a pleasant rendition of what a cereal mix aspires to be.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 120 calories, 15 calories from fat, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 105 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: General Mills Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch
Purchased Price: $3.59
Size: 13.1 ounces
Purchased at: Harris Teeter
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy clusters. Huge clusters. Plenty of clusters. Honey Nut Cheerios is still good. Relieves pressure to buy excessive boxes of cereal. Being a crayon namer. Ghostbuster slime.
Cons: Flimsy flakes. Adding milk results in despair. Political scandals. Cannot be a trapeze artist.

REVIEW: Lean Cuisine Asian-Style Chicken Salad Additions

January 17, 2013February 16, 2023 Adam 13 Comments

Contrary to a review history which leans towards a diet based exclusively around breakfast cereal and fast food, I do not hold anything against the vegetable food group. I count Larry the Cucumber among my favorite recording artists, have been known to munch on frozen peas as if they were beer nuts, and might, according to my grandmother, even transform into a vegetable one day thanks to hours spent watching college sports on TV.

So no, I’m not a veggie-phobe by any means, and I certainly wouldn’t spurn the chance to nosh on a salad that could increase my lifespan.

But here’s the thing: vegetables are complicated. Buying them, cooking them, and even knowing which part to eat are all tricky. Also, if I want to add a totally chic “lean protein” to the salad, I have to wield a knife and totally risk salmonella with my careless Millennial kitchen hygiene habits (not to mention risk chopping off a finger).

Of course, I could go the convenience route, but that can be expensive. Last I checked, Panera had a rockin’-looking Asian chicken salad. But $7.09 plus tax is pricey. I mean seriously. That’s like seven and a half small Wendy’s Frosty desserts forgone. If you really want me to eat my vegetables, then get me something cheap, not complicated, and something which won’t go bad should I, you know, put off the whole veggie eating thing in favor of those Frosty desserts for a few days.

Lean Cuisine meals might not be aesthetically pleasing, but they aren’t complicated. Taking something out of the freezer and heating it up in the microwave oven is, based on numerous test runs, pretty simple. A head of lettuce? Well, aside from exercising restraint and resisting the cereal aisle at the grocery store, that actually seems relatively painless as well.

Also, ‘Asian style’ food isn’t complicated. I’ve never been one to even try to understand what separates Korean, Chinese, and Japanese cuisines, but throw some carrots and broccoli in there, dress it up with something gingery and soy-based, and my white person American taste buds are totally basking in the idea of ethnic food.

Lean Cuisine’s new Salad Additions look to engage my yearning for de-complicating veggies by combining the miracle of refrigeration with some good old fashioned step-by-step heating instructions, all the while keeping me well away from knifes.

After keeping the ethos of Asian-style and picking up a head of green leaf lettuce and some spinach at for a combined $2.73 at my local Lotte plaza, I made sure to follow the directions by placing my sesame-ginger vinaigrette in room temperature water to thaw. It didn’t. At least it didn’t within the three and a half minute microwave window the box told me to nuke the vegetables and chicken for, and it still didn’t thaw completely after I stood around and inhaled the smell of bland lettuce for five minutes after that.

This was a most disheartening wait given that the vinaigrette passed from a consistency bordering on root beer float popsicle to that of diarrhea, all the while waiting to be drenched on a hodgepodge of cut up colors that provided little truth in advertising to the juicy pieces of pineapple and grilled chicken breast that the package photo displayed.

Finally reaching a vinaigrette consistency that might fool you for an actual vinaigrette, I decided to make my salad pretty. Despite an art background which includes numerous preschool awards for staying within the lines, I was unable to make my salad appear exactly as it was on the box. The salad tastes like what you’d expect from a mediocre fast food attempt to make a similar salad.

The chicken doesn’t really taste like chicken, but with ten ingredients to make “cooked white meat chicken,” that might be expected. The chicken strips ranged from gummy to dry and were mostly salty with a bit of that gelatinous gunk you sometimes encounter with canned chicken.

The broccoli and edamame would best be described as terribly bland. However, I can accurately report the orange and yellow carrots tasted like absolutely nothing. Compared to absolutely nothing, bland might as well be chocolate cake. I believe, but cannot confirm, I received one or two small slices of pineapple, which tasted canned and were cloying, like the dressing. However, I do appreciate that dressing as well as the crunchy noodles. Together they contributed salt, sweetness, crunch, and a bit of fat, albeit in a very McDonald’s salad kind of way.

Lean Cuisine’s new Asian Chicken Salad Addition is not very complicated, not very Asian, and not very good. But because it’s also not very expensive and not very horrible, it leaves me feeling significantly less guilty about my purchase than an overpriced and not very good salad from say…McDonald’s. It also leaves me less likely to purchase something that will significantly decrease my lifespan, and leaves me with a buttload of leftover lettuce. And you know what they say when life gives you a bunch of lettuce?

Yeah, I don’t really know either. I just hope it doesn’t involve buying more Lean Cuisine Salad Additions.

(Nutrition Facts – 260 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 gram of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 510 milligrams of sodium, 400 milligrams of potassium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.)

Item: Lean Cuisine Asian-Style Chicken Salad Additions
Purchased Price: $2.00
Size: 7.2 ounces
Purchased at: Weis Markets
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: No fuss vegetables. Tasty vinaigrette. Noodle strips. Cheaper than most ‘Asian-style’ fast food salads. Fitting in with the middle aged women at the office lunch table. Forces me to buy lettuce. Turning into a vegetable via too much college sports watching.
Cons: Gives vegetables a bad name. Insipid two-carrot mix. Not very many vegetables. “Grilled” chicken that doesn’t taste much like chicken, and contains nine ingredients which aren’t actually chicken. Vinaigrette looks like frozen Dr Pepper.

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 1/16/2013

January 16, 2013December 24, 2020 Marvo 3 Comments

Here are some interesting new and limited edition products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers.

There have been Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts, Apple Pie Pop-Tarts, Apple Cinnamon Pop-Tarts, and now these Apple Cinnamon Muffin Pop-Tarts, but I’m still waiting for Kellogg’s to bring back my favorite Pop-Tarts of all time — Frosted Dutch Apple Pop-Tarts. (Spotted by Laura at Walmart.)

If I were to predict the flavor of these Provolone Cheez-Its using only my experience with Subway’s provolone cheese, then these crackers will have no flavor. Option Pitch and Waffle Crisp has a review. (Spotted by Adam at Weis Markets.)

Do you know what would be super funny? It would be super funny if General Mills’ competition, Kellogg’s, also released a new line of protein snack bars with fiber. (Spotted by Adam at Weis Markets.)

Oh, look. Kellogg’s did. That’s so funny. (Spotted by Adam at Weis Markets.)

New? Oh, rrrreeeeaaally? (Spotted by Marvo at Safeway.)

Thank you to all the photo contributors! If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new or limited edition product on the shelf (or really unusual), snap a picture of it, and send us an email ([email protected]) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

REVIEW: Yoplait Fruplait (Strawberry & Harvest Peach)

January 16, 2013December 24, 2020 Jeff 17 Comments

I remember when yogurt came in two types: fruit on the bottom you had to mix-up yourself and the premixed fat-free gloop that left you disappointed.

Fast forward to 2013 and we now have yogurts that are whipped, yogurts specifically made to assist with cleaning your bowels, yogurts for kids, drinkable yogurts, yogurts with granola crumbles, lactose-free yogurts, fat-free yogurts, frozen yogurts from trendy named outlets where you can add chocolate covered potato chips and tapioca beads, and please don’t even get me started on those disgusting Greek yogurts that taste like rancid cheese.

There used to be a fine line between breakfast and dessert when it came to yogurt. The flavors available today guarantee some head scratching. Trust me, this becomes more apparent at 5:30 a.m. when you gulp down a chocolate silk pie-flavored yogurt. To ensure the waters stay muddled, Yoplait has released its new Fruplait line of niche yogurts.

Looking at Yoplait’s yogurt empire, I can understand why there has not been a yogurt like Fruplait before. It’s so elementary, it’s a wonder no one thought of it.

“You know what we need? More fruit in the yogurt,” Yoplait Brand Developer Number 305 screams. “We need a yogurt equivalent to a Michael Bay film stuffed with an Aerosmith soundtrack!”

The rest of the table asks, “Can we have Ving Rhames in it?”

“Sure, what the heck is he not in?”

“Yayyyy!!!” screams no one.

“Booooooo…” says Michael Clarke Duncan’s estate.

Because I love strawberry and peach, I bought both varieties. Plus, I have an indecision problem. I cannot just pick one. Like most Roman emperors, I needed them all. You can’t miss these because they are sold in a “convenient” four-pack with reserved white packaging.

I say, “convenient” only if you tend to buy four at a time because if you just want to try one and purchase maybe…I don’t know…one, like hoping for world peace, you’re out of luck Sunshine. Those miscreants at Yoplait made sure you have to have at least three in the fridge no matter how you like Fruplait.

Unlike your Uncle Choy, who owes The Dragon of the Black Pool more than chicken fried rice and is now resting on the bottom of some retention pond, the fruit are in pockets, swirled in the middle and throughout the yogurt. As for the jammy goodness of the fruit, it has ample flavor and fruit.

Way more fruit.

Of course, that makes sense since the packaging tells you “2X the fruit of the leading yogurt.” With the strawberry flavor, it’s almost as if someone took a container of plain yogurt, went to an ice cream shoppe (with a soda jerk who speaks that 1920’s hoiky joiky lingo), and asked for extra strawberry topping. Creamy yogurt with an addictive sweet and syrupy fruit mix? Now if it sounds like I’m describing a dessert rather than breakfast, it’s because I am.

These yogurts add more haze to an already foggy patch the yogurt industry purposely created. I’m fine with it but trust me when I tell you that there is no way these are for breakfast. Both Fruplait varieties are the ubiquitous 99 percent fat-free, low fat yogurt, chock full of live and active cultures which have me imagine I’m drinking my plastic Sea-Monkeys tank.

Fruplait Strawberry is, as it says on the bottom of the package, “sheer joy in a cup.” The joy I got from this yogurt was a close second to the joy I get when my pee is so clean that I won’t violate probation. This yogurt is pretty damn good but I know it’s not the yogurt; it’s the sickly sweet strawberry pie like filling. If you love fruit-on-the-bottom strawberry yogurt, you will French-kiss and play Thompson Twins all night with this one.

First, there are big chunks of strawberry flesh that’s encased in that bright red jam. Second, you can mix it all you want, but it seems you will have a higher fruit to yogurt ratio. That’s good because while the yogurt is creamy, it has a slight chalky aftertaste that most fat-free yogurts have. The yogurt mutes the sweetness of the sundae-like strawberries, which is a good thing. However, the aftertaste ruins it just a bit.

Fruplait Harvest Peach must be peaches foraged from Candyland farms where trees grow whipped cream and bon-bons ripen in the orchards. The peaches, like the strawberries, were kick-started and chunky. They taste a little bit like the canned peaches you pretend are healthy but know the syrup says otherwise. But I like that, so if you’re not a fan of the tinned fruits, you should avoid. Harvest Peach is not as sweet as the Strawberry one and it seems the weird chalky aftertaste is tempered. The yogurt itself is as smooth and creamy as what’s in the Fruplait Strawberry.

Low-fat, live and active cultures, and vitamins aside, we’re not eating Fruplait for that nonsense. We’re eating these because we are too lazy to make an actual sundae or parfait. That’s fine with me because every time I stick a spoon in one, I’m giving the middle finger to anybody who said, “You can’t have dessert for breakfast.”

Yes, I can, jerks. Yes, I can.

(Nutrition Facts – Strawberry – 110 calories, 1 gram of total fat, less than 5mg of cholesterol, 50 mg of sodium, 160 mg of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein. Harvest Peach – 120 calories, 1 gram of fat, less than 5 mg of cholesterol, 55 mg of sodium, 170 mg of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Yoplait Fruplait (Strawberry & Harvest Peach)
Purchased Price: $2.50 each
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Strawberry)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Harvest Peach)
Pros: The amount of fruit. The strawberry is jammy goodness. Michael Clarke Duncan in Armageddon. The yogurts are smooth and creamy. 99% fat-free homies. Creepy dead Roman emperors.
Cons: The peach is far from harvested. The slight chalkiness of the yogurt itself. Michael Clarke Duncan in Daredevil. You are forced to buy four of them at one time. Comic book movies that get it so wrong.

REVIEW: Torani Chicken ‘N Waffles Syrup

January 15, 2013February 13, 2023 Jasper 5 Comments

The story of Torani’s Chicken ‘N Waffles syrup presents internet marketing at either its best or most contrived (quite possibly both). To recap:

March 26, 2012:

Torani announces they’ll be releasing a chicken & waffles flavoring syrup. The Internet collectively says, “That’s disgusting. I MUST HAVE IT.”

April 1, 2012:

Torani reveals the new flavor was an early-April Fools’ prank and simultaneously launches a social media campaign to generate support for the creation of the “potential new cult favorite”.

The Internet expresses outrages over the prank, rolls its eyes at a corporation raising grassroots support for its own non-existent product, and goes back to watching Call Me Maybe parody videos.

November 20, 2012:

“Due to unprecedented demand,” Torani announces actual debut of Chicken ‘n Waffles Syrup.

January 1, 2013:

Due to a need to immediately sabotage his resolutions of losing weight, not wasting money on novelty food items, and writing less often in the third person, Jasper tries the Chicken ‘n Waffles Syrup.

January 14, 2013:

Due to the syrup being awful, Jasper waits two weeks before working up the spirit to actually write down all the awfulness.

The bar for the Chicken ‘n Waffles Syrup was set pretty low – since it started as a marketing gimmick that was likely rushed through development and production, its best-case outcome was always going to be “gag gift that’s actually serviceable.” Alas, the syrup can only serve as another cautionary reminder against buying novelty foods.

I first tried a spoonful of the syrup on its own. It smelled very sweet and a little bit malty, which is about as positive as I’m going to get in this review. As expected, it tasted incredibly sweet, but the malty-ness was really a yeasty-ness, and there was a lingering aftertaste that was yeasty and greasy (presumably to reflect the fried chicken component) and nearly induced my gag reflex.

Of course, syrup isn’t meant to be consumed by its lonesome, so I added it to other meals. I had a brief, almost-ontological debate with my girlfriend on whether you could, in fact, eat Chicken ‘n Waffles syrup with the dish from which its essence is distilled. Since the Torani bottle recommends you eat it with biscuits, we figured waffles were close enough and ordered some waffles and chicken fingers.

To establish a fair baseline of comparison, we first ate the chicken and waffles with regular Aunt Jemima maple syrup. It goes without saying that I loved that combination. It probably also goes without saying that the Torani syrup didn’t measure up in the least. The Chicken ‘n Waffles Syrup was still too sweet and so thin that it seeped into the waffles and made them soggy. The yeasty and greasy aftertaste was only more prominent and artificial in the face of the actual dish.

I then followed a recipe on the Torani website for a bourbon drink, and I tried it in my coffee the next morning. I had similarly negative impressions in those settings, though I suppose I’d find the syrup more tolerable if my palate were compromised by the dulling effects of alcohol or the tongue-burning effects of coffee.

Even the price felt dissatisfying, at $6.95 plus $5.95 shipping and handling. Just don’t buy the Torani Chicken ‘n Waffles Syrup, not even as a gag gift or as a novelty food item for yourself. And hey, Internet: let’s avoid demanding that any more April Fools’2012 jokes be developed into real products.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 fl oz – 90 calories 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 22 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Torani Chicken ‘N Waffles Syrup
Purchased Price: $6.95 (plus $5.95 S&H)
Size: 375 mL
Purchased at: Torani website
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Smelled mostly OK. Call Me Maybe parody videos. Clever April Fools’ Day gags. Aunt Jemima maple syrup with chicken and waffles. I would use Catblock.
Cons: Tasted yeasty and greasy. Gross, lingering aftertaste. Bad by itself, bad and too thin to have with waffles (and probably biscuits), bad with bourbon and coffee. Pricey. Contrived internet marketing. Immediately breaking my New Year’s resolutions. Ontological debates about syrup.

Basic