More orange than a University of Texas football jersey and more texturally variegated than a special edition Pokémon card, it’s the latest, greatest Pop-Tarts box filled with peanut butter toaster pastries!!

Yes, people, it’s here.

After a 27-year hiatus, peanut butter is bursting through the wall of Pop-Tarts with more superhero powers than the Powerpuff Girls and Kool-Aid Man combined and, after three trips to Walmart and a narrow escape from a runaway grocery cart, I have attained my box of six golden delights.

No, your eyes aren’t fooling you. That is a gold wrapper you see and, after an in-depth psychological study, I have concluded that golden wrappers are magic.

Every time I open one, I find myself believing I am Charlie Bucket peeling back the winning Wonka wrapper, then I skip into the streets and burst into song (“I’ve got a golden ticket!”).

Apologies to anyone who had the experience of hearing me sing and thank you, Kellogg’s, for providing me with the fulfillment of a childhood dream, even if it’s only in my mind.

All delusions of winning a trip to see an eccentric, semi-crazed candy maker aside, let’s get down to brass tacks: what do these suckers taste like?

If there’s anything the marketing plan at Google has proven, it’s that simple is always best, and these toaster pastries reinforce just that: absent of jelly or honey, these unfrosted Plain Janes allow the simple, beautiful peanut butter to shine. The crust is sweet, slightly salty, and sprinkled with sugar, harkening back to old-school peanut butter cookies.

The peanut butter inside is of the creamy variety, a touch sweeter and gooey-er than my regular Skippy, which makes it just perfect for the filling. It adds the sugary, salty, roasted-peanut creaminess needed to play off the crackly, sucrose-laden crust.

And, indeed, this is one crackly crust. If you’re unfamiliar with the genus of unfrosted Pop-Tarts, you may want to know that this crust is a little more crumbly than what you might find with a frosted Pop-Tart. The grainy casing of this fella will give your pastry-munching experience more of a shortbread/homemade graham cracker feel. Despite its more delicate nature, the crust holds the filling inside it throughout the toasting, never breaking at the seams.

Have I mentioned toasting would be encouraged? It would be. If these taste astounding right out of the wrapper, they taste even better toasted, a feat I thought impossible at this point. The edges of the crust get slightly crisp and the peanut butter filling softens and collects at the bottom, allowing your last bite to be full of all four of the five food groups: crispy, salty, gooey, and sweet.

And these Pop-Tarts give you agency as a creative human. In the absence of jelly or any other filling, you can add whatever you like to make your own Pop-Tarts “sandwich.” Marshmallow, Doritos, ice cream, ranch dressing, whatever. I’m not gonna judge. You want some jelly with yours? Plop a friendly slab on there or, better yet, go get a box of Strawberry Pop-Tarts and eat both Pop-Tarts together. Now that’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

The greatest crime these have committed is that there are only six in a box as opposed to the regular eight. According to a response to a customer on the Pop-Tarts Facebook page, this was done to keep the price level the same as peanut butter is a more expensive ingredient.

(Margaret shakes a blighted fist to the sky!)

Curse you, market of overpriced crushed legumes!!

Number games aside, these are delicious. Up there in my top three, maybe even my top two Pop-Tarts of all time. They are crispy and salty enough to allow me to imagine they’d be perfect for breakfast while being just sweet enough to please the dessert lover in me. Give me a pack of these and some chocolate ice cream and I’m a happy kid. If Pop-Tarts are looking to up their sales, these will make for a growth curve gone vertical in my book.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Pop-Tarts Gone Nutty! Peanut Butter
Purchased Price: $1.98
Size: 1 box/6 pastries
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Gooey, creamy peanut butter. Shortbread cookie crust. Crackly sugar coating. Even better toasted. Cool box. Golden wrappers. One of the best Pop-Tarts experiences I’ve ever had. Most likely formed by powers of Kool-Aid Man and the Powerpuff Girls combined.
Cons: Only 6 per box. Overpriced crushed legumes. Golden wrappers do not earn you trip to eccentric candy maker’s laboratory. Runaway grocery carts in Wal-Mart. Realizing (yet again) that I am not musically inclined.

Dear Peanut Butter,

I get it. I’m a realist. You’re salty and sweet, ooey-gooey and down right delectable, and I was wrong to have tried to hog you all to myself. I can see monogamy just can’t work for you.

What with you going behind my back with Jelly or Honey all those years, it should have come as no surprise to me when I learned you really did have a thing for Bacon. And don’t get me started on Bananas, or, as even my more adventurous friends tell me, Pickles.

But Peanut Butter, it’s time for you to be a realist. We were made for each other.

You know how I know? Because when it came time to pair you up in all the convenience of a toaster pastry, that matchmaker Kellogg’s company didn’t hitch your wagon to Jelly or send you a valentine from Honey. No, they stuffed you inside of me, and damned if I don’t admit we are perfect together.

Why hide our love from the world any longer? I say we announce that we’re back and better than ever. They thought our best days were behind us, what with Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs no longer being the novelty it once was, and our time in pretty much every conceivable Snickers form having run its course. But there’s just something about this new love, born from the Pop-Tart, which just works.

You adorn yourself in a golden wrapper, but it’s what’s beneath that shining attire which counts. Could it be our delicious utility together? Sometimes dull and uninteresting when eaten at room temperature, our Pop-Tart is perfect in any climate.

Tantalizing with a semisweet chocolate aroma, each slightly crispy bite of the exterior frosted shell yields to your peanuty and salty gooeyness. It’s homey and familiar – not pretentious or overly oily like some of those organic designer peanut butters; yet at the same time, it’s wholesome and full bodied, like the Midwestern girl next door. I love how you don’t use chemicals like hydrogenated oils to taste your best, proving that natural taste can definitely go a long way.

Did I mentioned the chew? I know there are some who scoff at your ability to stick to the roof of their mouths, but as we come together in one sweet, salty, chocolaty and smooth amalgamation, even the most rushed eater is forced to reckon with the forces of mechanical digestion and savor our love. Even our outer shell, a bit doughy, tasty and bland on its own (despite the cocoa tint) gets new life during this phase of our relationship, as we rekindle the classic flavors of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

I could go on forever but I think you know what I’m saying. Peanut Butter, it’s hard to screw us up. And yes, Pop-Tart has tarnished the flavorful marriage of power couples before. But in this case, we don’t just go together, we go together in one of the best Pop-Tart flavors that has ever been conceived.

True, there may be minor flaws to our love – you are a bit thin, you know, and I’d love to love more of your filling – but it’s nothing we can’t overcome. But promise me one thing, Peanut Butter. Even if Pop-Tarts decides to start paring you with your old flings, just remember that I, Chocolate, was your first true love.

Love,

Chocolate

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of total fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 2 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Pop-Tarts Gone Nutty! Frosted Chocolate Peanut Butte reviews:
Fatguy Food Blog

Item: Pop-Tarts Gone Nutty! Frosted Chocolate Peanut Butter
Purchased Price: $1.98
Size: 6 toaster pastries/box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Perhaps the single most memorable Pop-Tart I’ve ever eaten. Exceptional balance of chocolate and peanut butter flavor. Tastes like a slightly melted version of a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup, except without the gritty peanut butter texture. Ooey-gooey peanut butter filling, even when not warmed. Sticks in the nooks and crannies within your mouth.
Cons: Only six Toaster Pastries instead of the usual eight. I wish these Pastries were pregnant with an bulging baby of peanut butter filling. On the heavier side of the sugar spectrum for Pop-Tarts. Probably not best to eat the entire box without some sort of liquid to wash it down. Writing a love letter to a condiment.