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The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Mike Tyson’s Black Energy Drink (Poland)

I guess you could do worse than Mike Tyson as your product spokesperson. Granted there was that whole sex crime conviction and he did rip a guy’s ear off with his teeth and he did threaten to eat a guy’s children. But still. Spokesmen have been known to do worse.

I’m sure we all remember back in late 90s when the Jolly Green Giant rolled his Pontiac Fiero in the desert outside Reno after a four day meth bender. Sure he survived relatively unharmed, but sadly his diminutive life companion Sprout did not. The trial was sad and left the giant a broken man. And the next morning’s New York Times headline didn’t help his state of mind, mocking his beloved Jingle. “Ho, ho, ho! Maaaanslaughter. ”

Then it came to light that the only things Poppin’ Fresh was poppin’ were handfuls of OxyContin.

And I don’t even want to mention when Mr. Peanut’s fetish video surfaced.

Though I’m sure none of us were very surprised when Cap’n Crunch stabbed that guy outside of that Hooters in San Bernardino.

I used to be a Mike Tyson fan. When I was a kid, I loved him. Sure, I’d never seen him in a real life boxing match, nor had I ever heard him speak. But he was about the toughest NES boss I’d ever come across at that point in my life. That’s gotta count for something.

I guess my first real falling out with ol’ Iron Mike came in 1990 when he lost the title to Buster Douglas. Again, I hadn’t seen a second of that fight (like my mom would ever let me get anything on Pay-Per-View). All I knew was that I’d been looking forward to Tyson refereeing a match between the then-heroic Hulk Hogan and the then-alive Macho King Randy Savage on Saturday Night’s Main Event, and now I would have to watch a boxing champion referee who didn’t star in a video game I’d been playing for years! What a disappointment.

Since then, like most of the world, I’ve watched with mild interest (and pity), Tyson’s slow descent from the God of Punching to a guy who just sort of floats around in the pop culture ether, showing up in stuff every once in a while.

And what better stop on that weird downward spiral than a stint as a peddler for this Polish energy drink.

Mike Tyson’s Black Energy.

First off, I like the can design. Simple and straightforward. Mike’s face tattoo is not something you’ll miss on a shelf. And a quick scan of the ingredients list reveals my new favorite drink ingredient: “aroma.”

Popping the top revealed a very Red Bullesque (Red Bullian?) nosegrope. Underwhelming. I was hoping “aroma” was going to be champion sweat.

The drink itself is the color of my pee when I realize I haven’t had a liquid other than coffee in a few days. I was really hoping it was going to be intensely black. The drink. Not my pee.

Although…

I don’t know what I was expecting this to taste like. Mike Tyson with part of Evander Holyfield’s ear in his mouth was at the front of my mind. All of those Polish jokes I’ve heard old people tell, in the back of my mind. I was hoping for some intensely foul craziness. But Mike Tyson’s Black Energy just tastes like Red Bull, though maybe not quite as sharp. Disappointing in the grand scheme, but I do like the Red Bull.

If you’re in Poland, I recommend picking up a can, if for no other reason than to have it on a shelf in your cubicle. Because why wouldn’t you?

I also recommend YouTubing the Black Energy commercials.

I also recommend watching that Hulk Hogan match.

I also recommend playing Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.

That is all.

(Nutrition Facts – 100 mL – 46 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, .1 grams of sodium, 10.8 grams of carbohydrates, 10.8 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mike Tyson’s Black Energy Drink (Poland)
Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: 250 mL
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Red Bull. Soda Popinksi. Early 90s WWF. Poland. Champion sweat.
Cons: Pee. Buster Douglas. Face tattoos.

February 14, 2013
SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 2/13/2013

Here are some interesting new and limited edition products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers.

Here are the Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalists! We already reviewed the Lay’s Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips. Sriracha is definitely interesting. And Cheesy Garlic Bread makes me yearn for breadsticks. Update: Here’s our Sriracha and Cheesy Garlic Bread reviews. (Spotted by Adam at Weis.)

The number of Sun Chips flavors hasn’t grown much over the years, so it’s nice to see a new flavor. Perhaps, Sun Chips should get more sunlight and water to help them grow. (Spotted by Andy at Coborn’s.)

What’s with the Z replacing the S in Cheetos Mix-Ups Cheezy Salsa Mix? Does Chester Cheetah have to prove how cool he is by trading those letters? I just hope there isn’t another Cheetos Mix-Ups flavor with the butchered word “Xtra” in its name. (Spotted by Jonathan at Weis.)

Well, all rightie then. (Spotted by Adam at Weis.)

When I think of Pro-Force, I don’t think of yogurt for kids. Instead I think of police gear, martial arts gear, cleaning products, debris blowers, and temporary staffing agencies. (Spotted by Marvo at Safeway.)

Thank you to all the photo contributors! If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new or limited edition product on the shelf (or really unusual), snap a picture of it, and send us an email ([email protected]) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

February 13, 2013
REVIEW: Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips

I was pretty stoked when Lay’s first introduced their “Do Us a Flavor” contest last summer. I mean really. It was about time one of these snack food giants gave me the chance to take my dream of country pate and crusty baguette chips and make it a reality.

Alas, the folks at Frito-Lay decided to crush my dreams by going with three other flavors as their finalists. I can’t say I’m surprised by two of them. I have nothing against Sriracha or Cheesy Garlic Bread, but really, we’ve seen spicy and cheesy when it comes to chips before.

What we haven’t seen before (at least not in America) is chicken & waffles. At least not in fried spud form. Syrup? Yes. Denny’s breakfast platters? Of course. But not potato chips. That’s just crazy talk.

Well, I guess we might as well call Lay’s crazy because they’ve decided to milk this soul food classic for all its “Upcoming Food Trends” list-generating hype is worth.

I’m sure a more prolific writer would resign any poultry puns before embarking on such a review, but there’s really no other way to describe my first reaction when opening the bag; my God, these chips smell foul!

It’s this funky, almost mildew-inducing stench which borders somewhere between brown sugar oatmeal and leftover KFC, as if each chip has been cooked in oil leftover from the original Wells Supper Club in Harlem…circa 1938.

For as bad as the chips smell, they actually look quite appetizing. They appear thicker and more robust than your standard potato chips, and have a kettle-cooked type hue with real, skin-on edges. The seasoning, while smelling just awful, didn’t look unappetizing. Aside from a stick-to-your finger coating of brown sugar and “chicken and waffle seasoning,” there’s even your prerequisite unidentified herb coating each chip.

If you don’t like herbs, you might like these chips because they don’t have any herby taste whatsoever. Of course, you might also like these chips if you enjoy a really funky, if not altogether, off-putting pungency that hangs in the roof of your mouth like Luke Skywalker dangling in the Wampa’s cave during The Empire Strikes Back.

I really don’t know how to describe the taste other than clashing and vaguely reminiscent of mold. There’s something about the initial zip of brown sugar; followed by the artificial chicken taste; some fake butter flavor thrown in there just for good measure; and the onion, garlic and chicken bullion that make for a really, really strange flavor.

Oh, who am I kidding?

These are horrible. They taste old and rotten. And while there’s a nice crunch that’s more substantial than your standard Lay’s chip, there’s no taste of a potato whatsoever. Even the artwork on the bag looks unappetizing – like a Play-Doh reconstructed waffle and the kind of chicken drumette they stick in working kitchen displays in IKEAs. Forget that foodie-inspired wisdom you think you know because, after eating these, I never want to encounter brown sugar, chicken broth, and onion powder in this close proximity ever again.

And that aroma. I just can’t get past it. The only thing that compares is sticking your face into an amusement park trash can and taking a gigantic whiff of stuff.

I was completely prepared to admonish Lay’s for picking two “safer” flavors when it came to their Flavor Finalists, but Sriracha and Cheesy Garlic Bread now look really good. I can’t fathom them being any worse than these chicken & waffles chips. And to think, they could have totally struck it rich with that country pate and crusty baguette flavor…

(Editor’s Note: We reviewed the other two Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalists. Click here for the Cheesy Garlic Bread flavor and click here for the Sriracha flavor.)

(Nutrition Facts – 28g/about 17 chips – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 320 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Lay’s Do Us a Flavor Finalist Chicken & Waffles Potato Chips
Purchased Price: $3.00
Size: 9.5 oz. bag
Purchased at: Weis Market
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Crunchier than a normal Lay’s chips. Smells slightly better than sticking your head into an amusement park trash can.
Cons: Heavy doses of brown sugar and ‘savory’ spices come together worse than blindly pouring an entire spice cabinet into a bowl. Moldy smell comes across in the seasoning. Can’t taste the potatoes. Quite possibly the least appetizing potato product I’ve ever eaten.

February 12, 2013
REVIEW LIGHTNING ROUND (FREEZER AISLE EDITION) – 2/12/2013

Here are some quick reviews of new-ish stuff in the freezer aisle we’re too lazy to write full reviews for:

Item: Yoplait Strawberry Original Frozen Yogurt
Purchased Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes almost exactly like regular Yoplait strawberry yogurt. Live and active cultures. Real strawberries mixed in. It’s a pint, not 14 ounces, like some other companies. Don’t have to deal with the stupid lip Yoplait yogurt cups have that prevent you from getting every bit of yogurt.
Cons: Tastes too similar to regular Yoplait strawberry yogurt. Not as creamy as other frozen yogurt. A bit too airy. Replacing daily regular yogurt consumption with daily frozen yogurt consumption.
Other reviews: On Second Scoop, Fro-Yo Girl

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Drizzlers Blueberry Waffles
Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 6 waffles & 3 topping packets
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Traditional Eggo waffles. Not having to use teeth to open topping packet. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Topping made with real fruit and slightly better for you than syrups named after women.
Cons: Just regular Eggo waffles; no blueberries baked in. Topping didn’t have much flavor and might have a hard time satisfying a sweet tooth. If you eat two waffles at a time, a box will last you only three breakfasts.

Item: Lean Cuisine Bistro Chicken Salad Additions
Purchased Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 7 1/2 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Vegetables! Easy and quick to prepare. Vegetables! Crispy onion straws had more flavor than chicken. Vegetables. Yellow carrots sound exotic.
Cons: Hot vegetables mixed with chilled vegetables is a weird combination. Bacon in dressing is a step down from having real bacon bits. Crispy onion straws had more flavor than chicken. Dressing takes awhile to fully thaw. Crispy onion straws look more like crispy onion random shapes. Asparagus will make you pee smell.

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Chocolatey Chocolate Chip Wafflers
Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 waffles
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fine eating without syrup. Makes a wonderful aroma come out of your toaster. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Chocolate chips in every bite. Syrup isn’t necessary, but it does enhance its flavor. Trick people into thinking you’re eating burnt waffles.
Cons: Not really packed with flavor. It’s good enough that I’m sad they’re limited edition. Hard to tell if you’re overcooking these in the toaster. Being tricked into thinking someone is eating burnt waffles.

February 12, 2013
REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Mega Stuf Oreo

Update 1/19/2019: If you’re looking for Oreo The Most Stuff, click here to read our review.

Believe it or not, there was a time when the Double Stuf Oreo was considered the pinnacle of modern mass-produced cookie engineering. Long before the Manning brothers failed to translate their quarterbacking prowess in a misguided career move to make history with the Double Stuf Racing League, and way before Double Stuf Oreos morphed into the template for every flavor filling this side of red velvet cake*, the concept of an Oreo cookie with twice the normal crème filling was something to marvel at.

*Calling it now, within the next five years, we will see an Oreo with this filling.

Those days are long gone, however, as the Double Stuff Oreo has become, in essence, the default Oreo. I mean really. Aside from sentimental old people who meticulously stick to a pre-bedtime routine of dunking exactly three Oreos in milk, does anyone really think they’re getting the full cookies and cream experience by eating the “original” Oreo cookie?

I sure as hell don’t.

What’s more, those who favor the cream element of cookies and cream are feeling shortchanged. You know how I know that? Because there’s a crapload of perfectly sane people out there who’ve resorted to hacking Oreos for the sake of maximizing their Oreo creme to cookie ratio. Heck, I’d probably be one of those people if I didn’t feel so bad about wasting all those chocolate wafer leftovers or incessantly worrying about straining my jaw muscles in an attempt to shove a Duodecuple Stuf Oreo into my mouth.

I guess Nabisco has finally noticed. Like Kurt Bozwell calling for bigger Mondo Burgers in the 1997 smash-hit Good Burger, the company has responded for our insatiable appetite for more creme filling by introducing the Limited Edition Mega Stuf Oreo. Considering it’s been about a month since the whole Birthday Cake Oreo thing came out in Golden Oreo form, you might just say Nabisco has killed two birds with one stone by fulfilling their need for a new monthly Limited Edition flavor. Alas, and here I was hoping we’d be getting a triple dark chocolate ganache filling in honor of Valentine’s Day…

Being both the Oreo aficionado and failed investigative journalist I am, I was quite intent to take the Mega Stuf Oreo to task and see if it really would withstand more licks to dissolve the filling than the classic Double Stuf Oreo. Because I have the patience of a pre-snap read Peyton Manning, however, I was completely unable to subject my tongue to the kind of attrition needed to lick through both a Mega Stuf Oreo and Double Stuf Oreo in one sitting. So I just decided to weigh each Oreo to make it easier.

The Mega Stuf Oreo weighed in at the advertised 18 grams per cookie, while the Double Stuf Oreo comes in at 15 grams per cookie (slightly above advertised weight.) After separating the creme fillings from the wafers, I discovered the Mega Stuf filling weighs in at 12 grams, while the Double Stuf filling packs only 7 grams. That’s a 52.6% increase in filling right there, which, if you ask me, is a pretty big deal if you find yourself squarely on the side of the crème side of the cookies vs. crème debate.

Thing is, this is exactly the kind of cookie to push me to the opposite side of the debate, because I just don’t see the point in having a Mega Stuf filling over a Double Stuf filling. I also don’t see the point in spelling “stuff” with only one “F,” but that’s a different story for the next Limited Edition Oreo review.

As for the Oreos themselves, forget for a second that the fillings, and the cookies, taste exactly the same. Never mind for a moment that by biting into a single Mega Stuf Oreo you’re getting as much sugar as a bowl of Peanut Butter Toast Crunch. Put aside, if for only a moment, the overly crumbling nature of the cookie wafer, and the fact that it splits apart too easily with that annoying overstuffed sandwich syndrome that renders the chocolate cookie pretty much useless. How about just considering that a single package of Mega Stuf Oreos contains ten fewer cookies than a package of Double Stuf Oreos?

I don’t care where you fall on the crème vs. cookie side of the fence, because as far as I can tell, ten less cookies means bad for all of us Oreo lovers.

With that being said, I still liked the Mega Stuf Oreo a lot, mostly because they taste exactly like Double Stuf Oreos. I just wish I wasn’t getting shortchanged on my cookie count per container, because as any Oreo lover with tell you, bigger only means better if it means a bigger box of cookies.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 180 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 4 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Other Mega Stuf Oreo reviews:
Junk Food Guy

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Mega Stuf Oreo
Purchased Price: $2.98
Size: 13.2 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Classic Double Stuf Oreo taste is preserved. Crunchy chocolate cookie. More lickable filling than Double Stuf Oreos. Real world math applications. Making history.
Cons: Probably too sweet for some. Cookie has a tendency to shatter quite easily. Still not understanding the difference between ‘cream’ vs. ‘crème.’ Spelling “stuff” with only one “F.” Grumpy old people set in their cookie ways. Ten fewer Oreos per package than Double Stuf Oreos.

February 12, 2013