NEWS: Dunkin’ Donuts, McDonald’s, and Burger King Testing Items You Might Be Able To Stuff Into Your Piehole One Day

Marvo 3 Comments

Dunkin French Toast Sandwich

When Dunkin’ Donuts came out with their Waffle Breakfast Sandwich in 2009, I began wondering when they would introduce a pancake or French toast version, and, of course, a sandwich that uses one of their donuts. Well, Dunkin’ Donuts is testing their Farmhouse French Toast Breakfast Sandwich at select locations. The sandwich is made up of ham, egg, and cheese in between two slices of French toast. The French toast bun has a thickness that’s similar to the toast that comes with Dunkin’s Big ‘N Toasty.

Next up is McDonald’s, who, according to the Sun-Sentinel, is testing a Cheddar Bacon Onion Sandwich that can be ordered with either a one-third pound Angus beef patty, crispy chicken fillet, or grilled chicken fillet. The sandwich also includes grilled onions, two cheddar cheese slices, hickory-smoked bacon, and a mustard sauce. If this ever makes it to market, I hope some gluttonous soul tries to order one with the Angus beef patty, crispy chicken fillet, and grilled chicken fillet. Oh, who am I kidding? I would be that gluttonous soul.

Finally, Grub Grade posted a report about Burger King testing several menu items in Nashville. The items include three BBQ sandwiches, sweet potato fries, frozen lemonades, and a (wait for it) bacon sundae. The three BBQ sandwiches being offered are a Carolina BBQ Whopper, Texas BBQ Whopper, and a pulled pork sandwich. Wow. I can’t believe Burger King is testing a Carolina BBQ Whopper and a pulled pork sandwich in Tennessee. It’s as if they don’t have the balls to test them in the Carolinas.

Photo courtesy of @NickL3git

REVIEW: Burger King Frappé (Caramel and Mocha)

Marvo 47 Comments

Burger King Frappes (Caramel and Mocha)

McDonald’s Frappé is a photocopy of Starbucks’ Frappuccino. So Burger King’s Frappé is a photocopy of a photocopy. Although, if I were to include Cinnabon’s Mochalatta and Dunkin’ Donuts’ Coolatta, then Burger King’s Frappé is a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy.

Do you know what happens when you photocopy a photocopy, then photocopy that photocopy, and photocopy that?

Let me explain using the following example. Let’s say I were to walk into a Kinko’s at two in the morning, go up to one of their copy machines, pull my pants down, jump up onto the copy machines, gently sit down on the glass plate, and take an awesome photocopy of my butt with its crack going perfectly down the middle of the 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper.

Then let’s say I further waste the machine’s toner by photocopying that perfect butt photocopy, taking the result of that, placing it into the feeding tray, photocopying it, and then wash, rinse, and repeat several times. Eventually, that perfect photocopy of my butt won’t be so perfect. My butt crack that went straight down the middle will, instead, drift to the left or right. You can still tell it’s my butt, but it isn’t quite like the original.

So, basically, the Burger King Frappé looks like a Starbucks Frappuccino, but is inferior to the original.

Like McDonald’s, BK’s Frappés come in two flavors, Caramel and Mocha, and are topped with whipped cream and drizzled with mocha or caramel syrup. Wait. Did I say drizzled? I meant splooged, like it was shot out of a fast food mayo gun. The whipped cream dollop on top of the blended coffee beverage, surprisingly, stayed perky after the 10 minute car drive in my air conditioner-less car, which is something I can’t say about the whipped cream on top of the McDonald’s Frappé.

The Burger King website says each Frappé is “made with a hint of coffee.” To be honest, I wish they were made with a KAPOW or BLAMMO of coffee because I thought the BK Frappés had less coffee flavor than the McDonald’s version. Between the two flavors, the Burger King Caramel Frappé is more guilty of hiding the coffee flavor. As someone who likes his iced coffee with lots of cream and sugar, I never thought I’d miss the bitterness of coffee.

Frappe Comparison

Now with all of that said, the Burger King Frappés are like BK’s fries, they’re decent, but I prefer the McDonald’s version. They have a pleasant smoothie consistency and, if you look at the table above, they’re slightly better for you than McDonald’s Frappés. But I really think Burger King should’ve given them a stronger coffee base and I’m disappointed they didn’t take advantage of their partnership with Seattle’s Best Coffee.

To sum up what I think of Burger King’s Frappé, I’ve created a simple formula.

Starbucks Frappuccino > McDonald’s Frappé > Burger King Frappé

And while I’m getting comparisons off my chest…

Broccoli > Carrots > Cauliflower

And…

Pandas > Penguins > Koalas

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces/small – 410 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 39 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Frappé reviews:
So Good Blog
Brand Eating

Item: Burger King Frappé (Caramel and Mocha)
Price: $3.29
Size: Small/12 ounces
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Caramel)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Mocha)
Pros: Decent. Less calories and sugar than McDonald’s Frappé. Perky whipped cream topping. Nice smoothie consistency. Broccoli. Pandas.
Cons: Weak coffee flavor. Not as good as McDonald’s version. Having an over-photocopied photocopy. Having to put an accent mark in frappé. Cauliflower. Koalas.

REVIEW: Liberty Orchards Orchard Bars

Marisa 3 Comments

Liberty Orchards Orchard Bars

As a resident of the great Pacific Northwest, I cannot stress how much emphasis this region puts on all things local, organic and/or natural. Even a few years ago, Seattle’s motto was re-imagined as the singular phrase “Metronatural” which ended up sounding less like a tourism goldmine and more like a trendy new sexual orientation. Staying natural is also the reason I haven’t shaved my legs for a few months now. It’s not that I’m lazy, I’m just preventing countless more disposable razors from ending up in our ever overflowing landfills.

In true Northwest form, the first product I’ll be reviewing is a largely organic energy bar that relies on fruit, nuts & seeds as the main source of fuel instead of caffeine, tiger’s blood and crack. Orchard Bars feature a gelatinous blend of fruit & nuts, the ubiquitous “soy nuggets” and flax seeds instead of the crumbly, cakey ingredients of a garden variety protein or granola bar. They’re also vegan, GMO-free, dairy-free, gluten-free and preservative free as well as kosher, so no one is harmed by this product, except those who inevitably get a jagged flax seed stuck in between their molars and gums.

The folks at Liberty Orchards sent me five different Orchard Bars and media kit CD, complete with the history of their factory, based in the fertile crescent of Cashmere, Washington. Much like the Kashmir region made famous by a notable Led Zeppelin song, it’s a dry arid place nestled near a vast range of mountains (okay, the meager Cascades. Not quite the Himalayas).

Liberty Orchards’ most notable product is a Turkish Delight-esque jelly treat called Aplets & Cotlets. If you’ve ever had the experience of receiving a box of the famously infamous candy from your grandmother as a belated birthday present, think of Orchard Bars as its sophisticated cousin in a sleek bar form. I liken it to when companies reinvent products for a hip, modern crowd of folks, much like OK Soda or Bibles with guys skateboarding on the front.

Liberty Orchards Orchard Bars Cherry Almond Crunch

Liberty Orchards Orchard Bars Blueberry Pomegranate & Almond

The range of Orchard Bar flavors let you run the gamut in tasting all the the orchard has to offer. Cherry Almond Crunch is a tart and tangy bar with some crispiness provided by almonds and those aforementioned soy nuggets, the hippie alternative to the poor man’s Rice Krispies. Blueberry is both the dominant flavor and color in the Blueberry Pomegranate & Almond bar. You could even go as far as imagining it wearing some nice tight leather and brandishing a whip.

Liberty Orchards Orchard Bars Strawberry Raspberry & Walnut

I personally found the Strawberry Raspberry & Walnut (or “Berry Delicious Bar” as I like to call it) the most savory and delicious of these three. It’s like there’s an orchard in my mouth and everyone’s invited to pick fruit for minimal wages! Plus the walnut chunks mellow out the ultra-sweetness that comes with the popular berry flavors.

Liberty Orchards Orchard Bars Banana Mango & Macadamia

Liberty Orchards Orchard Bars Pineapple Coconut & Macadamia

While geographically impossible to come from “Washington State’s orchard country”, Banana Mango Macadamia & Pineapple Coconut Macadamia are the tropical representatives of the batch. I mean, we could even get technical and call them “Grove Goodies” or “Plantation Pleasures”, but then we start wandering into too politically correct territory. While I could hardly detect the banana flavors in the mango bar, the addition of the creamy, fatty nuts enveloped the tastes nicely. On the other hand, the Pineapple Coconut Macadamia is a tangy tropical bar that would give you an excuse to swig some rum and deem it a Pina Colada (plus I get a kick out of saying “fatty nuts”).

One thing to keep in mind is that the bars are all quite sweet, ranging from 18-19 grams of sugar per bar. I’m not quite sure if I got “natural energy” but more of a “concentrated fruit sugar high” after going through all five Orchard Bars within a just a couple hours. If I’ve learned anything from the emergence of all the energy products over the past few years, once you add enough sugar that’s in fruit, powdered, granular or syrup form, you can pretty much make anything body energizing, tooth decaying and delicious all in one fell swoop.

(Editor’s Note/Disclaimer – We received the Orchard Bars for free from the PR firm that represents Liberty Orchards. Orchard is such a funny word, isn’t it? (Insert a naughty World of Warcraft joke here.))

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar (1.6 oz/45g) – Cherry Almond Crunch – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 19 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Banana Mango Macadamia – 200 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein. Blueberry Pomegranate & Almond – 200 calories, 7 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Pineapple Coconut & Macadamia – 200 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein. Strawberry Raspberry & Walnut – 200 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.)

Item: Liberty Orchards Orchard Bars (Cherry Almond Crunch, Banana Mango Macadamia, Blueberry Pomegranate & Almond, Pineapple Coconut & Macadamia, Strawberry Raspberry & Walnut)
Price: FREE
Size: 1.6 ounces
Purchased at: Received for free from PR firm
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Cherry Almond Crunch)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Banana Mango Macadamia)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Blueberry Pomegranate & Almond)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Pineapple Coconut & Macadamia)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Strawberry Raspberry & Walnut)
Pros: Natural energy that tastes good. Protein, omega-3s and vitamins. Nuts in my mouth. Vegan if you swing that way. Led Zeppelin singles.
Cons: Might be too sweet for some. Hairy female legs. Flax seed related dental issues.

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Marisa

Marisa 8 Comments

Dear Impulsive Buy readers,

I never thought this would happen to me….

My name’s Marisa and I’m humbled to be invited to join the team of writers here. I’m East Coast born, West Coast raised and will swear up and down that I don’t have any sort of an accent. The city of Tacoma is where I currently reside, a city made minimally famous by Almond Roca candy, a Steve Miller song, and named the “most sexually healthy city” by Self Magazine. Trust me, it’s a tough reputation to live up to.

I would bet dollars to donuts (sweet, delicious donuts) that I’m the typical example of the online food reviewer: slightly overweight build, hunched back from hours in front of a computer, and an ungodly knowledge of the all the flavors of Pop-Tarts that have debuted over the years. I’ve been rambling about all sorts of junk food for years now, so it’s great that I can legitimately put it on a resume now. I always get a thrill from purchasing “Limited Time Only!” foods (note Exhibit A: The stack of Birthday Cake Oreos piling up in my kitchen) and quickly discontinued foods that disappear faster than endangered species. I still mourn the loss of Sprite Remix & Surge on a semi-regular basis.

When I’m not working for my state government forty hours a week helping to increase student loan debt, I post food musings on my own site Clearance Cuisine, whose biggest fan and ardent supporter happens to be my mom. By the way Mom, if you’re currently reading, this is what the Bachelor’s Degree in Arts, Media & Culture got me. Nevertheless, I’m ecstatic to try loads of products in my spare time and have a captive audience to my thoughts. By eating junk food for a living, I consider it less “killing myself” than I do “taking one for the team”.

If you were wondering, my favorite go-to fast food meal is three McDoubles with no bun and no ketchup. I’m watching my carbs, okay?