Some snack foods should think more highly of themselves. I like these new MilkBite Milk & Granola Bars based solely on the brilliance of their TV ads, which feature Mel, the little existentialist MilkBite who is so meek and self-deprecating that you just have to love him. Mel’s main issue is that he struggles with his identity: Is he milk? Is he granola? Well, he’s both…. And he’s delicious.

Seriously, Mel shouldn’t have such low self-esteem because he’s got a lot going for him. He’s soft, cool to the touch, packed with calcium, and bursting with flavor. I can’t say the same for that unctuous, smirking Quaker Oats granola bar and that pompous cereal bar with the red “K” that thinks it’s so special. They’re losers. So chin up, Mel! Tons of people will eat you!

I never really considered before the potential self-esteem issues that healthy convenience foods might have, so kudos to Kraft for raising awareness surrounding this very serious issue. Maybe we’ll all think twice before giving a back-handed compliment to that piece of string cheese. (“Your tough, rubbery texture makes it so easy to peel you!”) Dairy has feelings too.

And speaking of dairy… since Kraft MilkBites contain real milk, they must be refrigerated, which is something I haven’t ever seen before. Try refrigerating any other type of granola bar, and you’ll probably end up cracking a tooth. MilkBites contain 30 percent of your daily value of calcium, five grams of protein, as well as some fiber, which is handy because I was getting tired of lugging around all those buckets of milk, eggs and steel cut oats everywhere like some kind of 18th century settler on the frontier. Innovation rules!

MilkBites come in five flavors: Strawberry, Chocolate, Oatmeal Raisin, Peanut Butter and Mixed Berry. I received samples of the Strawberry and Chocolate bars and found the texture of both to be similar -faintly creamy and chewy like very firm oatmeal. It’s not gooey or anything, but don’t expect much crunchiness from these bars. That’s not a diss, though Mel! You are soft, chewy, and toothsome.

The Strawberry MilkBite was sweet and aromatic and loaded with tasty strawberry bits. Chocolate was rich and yummy with real chocolate chips embedded in the granola. Both Milk Bites were drizzled with icing, which is an ingredient with which you can never go wrong. Plus, since they had been stone cold chillin’ in the fridge, they were cool and delicious.

If you’re in the market for a snack bar that doubles as a daily injection of vitamins and minerals with an emphasis on calcium, but also taste really good, then check out Kraft MilkBite Milk & Granola bars. Just be careful what you say around them.

(Editor’s Note/Disclosure: MilkBite samples were provided by Kraft to be reviewed. They came via overnight delivery in a chilled package. I like penguins. Wait…what? I don’t have to disclose to the FTC the fact I like penguins. Well, now they know. Full disclosure.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar (35g) – Strawberry – 140 calories, 50 fat calories, 5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 30% Calcium, 6% Iron, 10% Vitamin D, 6% Vitamin C, 2% Vitamin A. Chocolate – 140 calories, 50 fat calories, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 30% Calcium, 6% Iron, 10% Vitamin D, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Vitamin A.)

Item: Kraft MilkBite Milk & Granola Bars (Strawberry and Chocolate)
Price: FREE (retails for $3.49)
Size: 5 bars (1.23 ounces)
Purchased at: Received from wonderful PR folks
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Strawberry)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chocolate)
Pros: Charmingly self-deprecating snack bars. Contains 30% of your daily value of calcium. Sweet, rich flavor. Drizzled with icing.
Cons: Back-handed compliments. Cracked teeth. Overly sensitive string cheese. Hauling oats around like I’m on The Ponderosa.

All things considered, I abhor going to the movie theatre. Chalk it up to a lifetime of being, shall we say, vertically “challenged,” or trace it back to one too many awkward 8th grade dates, but either way you slice it I’d just as soon skip the peering around tall peoples’ shoulders and not replay memories of my 14-year-old awkwardness. Besides, a steady diet of kids’ cereal and Coke Zero keeps my attention span short, so much so that I tend to lose interest in things even before the Raisinets stop dancing (wait, do they still do that?)
 
Needless to say, I haven’t endeared myself the American cinema. But that’s not to say I wouldn’t walk into a movie theatre. I just wouldn’t go in for the movie. No, I’d go for the popcorn.
 
Few things in the world are as addictive as movie theatre popcorn, and to my knowledge, almost none of those things are legal. Considering a large popcorn from AMC packs nearly 60 grams of saturated fat before a refreshing shower under the butter pump, and we might soon be seeing the end of that as well. That’s okay though, because thanks to some place called Popcorn, Indiana, I can partake in the buttery and salty crunch of popped kernels without having to change my current relationship with theaters or pump liquid heart attack into my veins.
 

I’m not sure where exactly Popcorn, Indiana is. Considering the bags they sent me came from New Jersey, I’m not exactly sure what to think. Typically speaking, I don’t get too caught up in snacking according to the bag’s suggestions, but in this case I took Popcorn, Indiana’s advice and decided to put on my favorite flick. Choosing to relive the carnage of the Battle of Hoth from the comfort of my own recliner, I popped in the Empire Strikes Back DVD and broke out my sample bag of their Movie Theater Butter.
 

Let’s just say that even before the ellipses following “a galaxy far, far, away” had faded, my bag was half empty. Clearly, this was the sign of an addictive snack. The crunch is lighter than those off-putting microwaved popcorns, while the flavor is simple but classic. Like sweet cream butter over corn on the cob there’s just a richly satisfying and milky sweet taste to each piece, which, thanks to a liberal application of superfine salt, commands your fingers to an almost automatic motion of stuffing your face. The taste only intensifies as you pass over the busted shards of what was once the kernel, with the golden hues bringing you closer to the quintessence of butter. Dare I say, this is more buttery than a bear hug from Paula Deen, and even before the Imperial probe droid found itself smashing into the frozen tundra housing the rebel base, I had all but finished my bag, pausing only to satiate the primal need to lick my fingers.
 

Finding myself at an impasse in my home theatre experience, I decided to check out the other two samples Englewood, New Jersey Popcorn, Indiana sent me. I have to say, I was impressed on both accounts.

The Cinnamon Sugar Kettlecorn is a bit lighter than the Movie Theatre Butter, and lacks the richness and salty undertones of the latter. But it’s admirably sweet and bursting with crunchy cinnamon specks, far surpassing any microwaved kettlecorn I’ve ever tried. Unfortunately it lacks a real ballpark sweetness, a point which kept me from downing the entire bag.

That wasn’t the case with the Sweet and Tangy BBQ Kettlecorn. I didn’t pick up so much on the tang, but a smokey flavor which hits you right off the back and a piquant backheat make a tremendous foil for the sweet tomato-based BBQ powder. Like Boba Fett keeps you off guard throughout The Empire Strikes Back, the salty-sweet-spicy-smokey taste manages to intrigue you to ponder a more unique backstory.
  
My only complaint is the obvious health halo surrounding a company which bills itself as being “wildly fanatical about healthier, whole grain snacking.” That’s all well and good, but after downing a 560 calorie “sample” bag of their Movie Theater Butter popcorn even before General Veers is done vaping the shield generator (not to mention polishing off the Sweet and Tangy BBQ bag) – let’s just say moving on to the “grown up” bag they sell in stores might not be such a step up nutritionally from the theatre experience. But given that it won’t come with awkward memories and a cramped neck, I’ll take it.

(Editor’s Note/Disclaimer/Reason To Use Forward Slashes – Popcorn, Indiana samples were provided by the PR firm that represents Popcorn, Indiana. We did not receive any monetary compensation for this review. Although, to be honest, I would totally sellout for $1 million, which, of course, I would totally disclose to the FTC…and the IRS.)

(Nutrition Facts – Movie Theater Butter – 2 cups – 160 calories, 12 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein. Cinnamon Sugar Kettlecorn – 2.5 cups – 130 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein. Sweet and Tangy BBQ Kettlecorn – 2.5 cups – 130 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: REVIEW: Popcorn, Indiana Classic Popcorn (Movie Theater Popcorn, Cinnamon Sugar Kettlecorn, and Sweet and Tangy BBQ Kettlecorn)
Price: FREE
Size: 3.5 ounces
Purchased at: Received from nice PR folks
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Movie Theater Butter)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Cinnamon Sugar Kettlecorn)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Sweet and Tangy BBQ Kettlecorn)
Pros: All that natural junk that won’t kill me. Movie Theatre Butter has a strong sweet cream butter taste. Licking salt from your fingers. Light crunch with no chance of burning in the microwave. BBQ is smokey and spicy, like Boba Fett. AT-AT domination #getsomeGeneralVeers.
Cons: All that natural junk which won’t kill me as fast. Hugging Paula Deen. Kettlekorn could use more sweetness. Not really getting the tang in the BBQ. Geographic confusion. Billy Dee Williams’ mustache.