REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream

Jeff 10 Comments

Ben & Jerry's Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake

You know how when you feel shitty and you want to get yourself in the fetal position, put on something starring Ryan Gosling and cradle a carton of ice cream? That’s not me. In fact, I kind of find ice cream boring. Don’t get me wrong, I love the occasional soft serve vanilla (with rainbow sprinkles) or spumoni, but ice cream just normally doesn’t do it for me. To be honest if I am feeling a bit down, the idea of planting myself on the couch and eating ice cream sounds dreadful and suffocating.

However, like all things in life, the universe and everything…there is always an exception. How else to explain that Jesus Jones still has a recording contract? Two men who are probably the Antichrist (or at least Gozer and Vigo from Ghostbusters) are Ben and Jerry. You see I cannot help myself when it comes to their ice creams.

I have to say most of their flavors are consistently good. I have eaten their tried and beloved ones like Cherry Garcia to some oddball varieties like Late Night Snack. I cannot think of one I really disliked except Boston Cream Pie, but that’s totally my fault. I don’t like Boston cream pie but for some sadomasochistic reason I bought it.

It is an understatement to explain how ecstatic I was when I found Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake flavor. Where were you during the sullen holidays? It doesn’t matter. I grabbed one of the few remaining pints and ran to the checkout lane. I haven’t been this excited since I found out my wife may be deported.

Brushing off the frost that has collected, I smiled to no one in particular and let it sit out exactly twelve minutes. These scant minutes will allow the ice cream to have the perfect consistency where it should slightly give as the spoon cuts into it smoothly. When that buttery richness slowly goes down your throat, it is ninth level of bliss. The only thing I can compare this to is a longing kiss from someone you love who is NOT a mail order bride, the first sip of a cold and floral gin martini or looting that ubersword with 1,500,003 hit points in Diablo II. It is obvious that my expectation for Ben & Jerry’s are set very high.

Ben & Jerry's Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Closeup

I am happy to say that Pumpkin Cheesecake exceeds it enough where I want to eat the whole pint. Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream comes complete with swirls of graham crackers. Ben & Jerry, as usual do a great job of incorporating all of its ingredients. Each spoonful is a harmonious symphony of all its flavors to recreate the taste of eating a pumpkin cheesecake.

Immediately, the taste of slight cinnamon from the graham cracker crumbles makes its presence. The texture is so pleasant since the “crust” is actually a fine powder. This mixes very well with the rich cream. The graham crackers hit your taste buds hard but leave immediately like a shank to your back for not sharing your toilet bowl moonshine.

Here is what Ben & Jerry’s does so well. The cinnamon flavor quickly fades off into the rich and creamy taste of the pumpkin cheesecake. The flavors are so thoughtful. You taste the pumpkin pie before the recognizable taste of cheesecake takes over and finally sends you off to another spoonful. The ice cream itself is dense, creamy and buttery but I wouldn’t expect otherwise. It’s like a well-choreographed burlesque show, sure there’s boobies but you’re captivated by the music as well as the dance.

The ingredients, as always, are of high quality. The great thing about the cheesecake is it doesn’t have that off-putting cream cheese taste some cheesecakes are prone to have. That’s a sign of quality cheesecake and only emphasizes that this ice cream, while is sweet can also be a bit savory. You can just feel the pounds adding on that will later be filled with remorse as you weigh yourself. But wasn’t it worth it? Hell yes, sweat pants are cheap anyhow.

My only complaint is the pumpkin taste could be more intense. I felt that the cheesecake part sometimes would override the pumpkin depending on my spoonful but that is a minor quibble. Ben & Jerry are very good at balancing flavor with that seductive texture we all love about ice cream. This limited batch is no exception.

So on a shit day when everything goes wrong, would I find myself on the couch burying myself with ice cream and Ryan Gosling? No, unless you have Blue Valentine or Drive playing. However, I probably would still find myself clutching a glass of cognac while unfurling the West Elm or Pottery Barn catalogs to wind down, but Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream would come in at a close second.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 290 calories, 13 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream
Price: $3.59
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Publix Supermarket (the one where there’s a Publix liquor shop next to it so I can buy pork rinds and rum in one shopping trip.)
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Even the most petulant towards ice cream may smile at this one. It is buttery, creamy, dense and seductive. The texture is as good as the flavor. Jesus Jones was ahead of its time in the nineties, especially the Perverse album. The ice cream is exactly what you expect it to taste like, freakin’ Pumpkin Cheesecake! Ryan Gosling’s Drive (and I admit Crazy Stupid Love).
Cons: This is a limited Batch and being after the holidays, it may even more difficult to hunt down. The pumpkin flavor could be a bit stronger. Jesus Jones hasn’t aged well today but you cannot deny wanting to sing along to “International Bright Young Thing.” Ryan Gosling’s The Notebook, I laugh uncontrollably during the dementia scenes which makes me an asshole.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce

Marvo 10 Comments

McDonald's Hot Habanero Sauce

Hey! McDonald’s Hot Mustard Sauce! This is not what it looks like. I know it looks like I’m having an affair with your sister, McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce, but I assure you what you see before you is just an accident.

Yes, I can explain why Hot Habanero Sauce is all over my McNuggets. Um…Well, we saw each other and wanted to give each other a hug but while we were walking towards each other, she tripped and her top came off. When I noticed she tripped, I ran to her to try and catch her, but I also tripped and my McNuggets fell out. Since we were falling towards each other, she accidentally ended up on my McNuggets.

Why would I cheat on you Hot Mustard Sauce? We’ve been together for decades and you know I love you.

Okay. Okay. So I’ve cheated on you a few times before. But I didn’t leave you for any of them, so they meant nothing to me. I’m sure if we add it up we’ll find I’ve been loyal to you 99.5 percent of the time. And if you round that up, it’s 100 percent.

Do I think Hot Habanero Sauce is hotter than you? Sure, she’s a six or seven, while you’re a two or three, but you’re older, and you know what they say, “The older the berry, the sweeter the juice.” Hey. Hey. Don’t cry. I mean, you’re hot too, but in a different way.

McDonald's Hot Habanero Sauce Closeup

Oh, I can’t lie to you anymore, Hot Mustard Sauce. All right…You got me! I was cheating on you with Hot Habanero Sauce. But in my defense, I couldn’t help myself because she’s younger, hotter, creamier, and I have a thing for redheads. She even has freckles. Freckles drive me wild!

But after trying the McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce, I realized that you’re still the one that I love to touch. Still the one and I can’t get enough. We’re still having fun, and you’re still the one.

Yes, I just recited song lyrics. I’m sorry.

Did I enjoy myself with Hot Habanero Sauce?

Um, it was fun spending time with her and she’s definitely the hottest item McDonald’s has ever released. She didn’t make me cry, like other habanero products I’ve tried, but after getting through the first container, she made me sweat a little, my nose a little runny, and suggested I drink some soda. I don’t want to experience that every time with my McNuggets, even though she’s quite tasty and a little tangy. But I guess she should be tasty since she’s your sister.

Please don’t leave me, Hot Mustard Sauce. I love you and I promise I’ll never put anything else on my McNuggets ever again.

Psst. Hot Habanero Sauce. Call me.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website.)

Other McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce reviews:
An Immovable Feast

Item: McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce
Price: Free with McNuggets meal
Size: 0.78 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Really good flavor. Younger and hotter than Hot Mustard Sauce. Hottest item McDonald’s has released. Good balance of flavor and heat. Hot Mustard Sauce is hot too, but in a totally different way.
Cons: Cheating on Hot Mustard Sauce…again. Reciting song lyrics when you don’t know what to say after gettting caught cheating. Might not be hot enough for some heat heads.

REVIEW: Nabisco belVita Breakfast Biscuits (Apple Cinnamon, Blueberry, & Golden Oat)

Marvo 42 Comments

Belvita Breakfast Biscuits

Much like The Office, America’s Got Talent, Celebrity Fit Club, Coupling, Men Behaving Badly, Prime Suspect, The Weakest Link, Skins, Undercover Boss, Top Gear, The X Factor, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Supernanny, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Hell’s Kitchen, and Wife Swap, Nabisco’s Belvita…Oh wait, I mean BelVita…No, that’s not right either…belVita Breakfast Biscuits were first produced in the United Kingdom and later brought to the United States.

(Really? It’s spelled belVita with the uppercase in the middle of the word as if a 12 year old typed it? Geez.)

The bElvita Breakfast Biscuits don’t look like the biscuits we’re used to here in the United States. Instead of the small, soft biscuits that sometimes come with gravy and sausage on top, these biscuits look like a fossil of some kind of prehistoric insect. In the UK, what they call their junk food are much more formal sounding than what we in the US call them. The British call potato chips “crisps” and cookies “biscuits.” So belvIta Breakfast Biscuits are really breakfast cookies.

I wonder if the UK has breakfast crisps.

The US version of belvitA comes in three flavors: Apple Cinnamon, Blueberry, and Golden Oat. Each box comes with five packs of four breakfast biscuits, each of which provides 18 grams of whole grain. A serving also has three grams of fiber and 10 percent of the major B vitamins. What belviTa Breakfast Biscuits don’t have are high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, and artificial flavors or sweeteners.

The Blueberry bElvIta is the best smelling of the three, thanks to its strong berry scent that reminded me of what my kitchen smells like when I’m toasting some blueberry Eggo waffles; the Apple Cinnamon BeLViTa smells somewhat like Apple Jacks cereal; while the Golden Oat bElvItA smells like something I would feed a horse.

Belvita Breakfast Biscuits Closeup

However, the Golden Oat flavor doesn’t taste like something I’d feed a horse, unless it was a unicorn and I wanted to encourage it to let me ride it. It has a surprisingly sweet flavor that almost tasted like a graham cracker. The Apple Cinnamon’s flavor is weaker than it smells, but it also tastes like Apple Jacks. It’s good, but I prefer the Golden Oat over it. By far, my favorite of the three was the very tasty Blueberry one. Since there were bits of blueberry baked throughout the biscuit, every bite had a strong blueberry flavor.

While I enjoyed all the belVita flavors, I do have an issue with the crunchy breakfast cookies. The product’s packaging and the appearance of the biscuits make them look like they’re meant to be part of a healthy complete breakfast. But are they healthier than other breakfast options?

While they have more whole grain than a Pop-Tart, they have just as much sugar, calories, and fat as a Pop-Tart. Oh wait, now that I think about it, comparing bElViTa with a Pop-Tart isn’t really fair. I really should compare it with another recent British transplant — Kellogg’s Krave Cereal.

Hmm…let’s see. Kellogg’s Krave Cereal has just as much fiber as four of these breakfast biscuits, it has more than twice the amount of vitamin B, it also doesn’t contain high fructose corn syrup or hydrogenated oils, and it has less fat and sugar than the breakfast biscuits. The BElVIta Breakfast Biscuits do have more than twice the amount of whole grain per serving and you don’t need a bowl and milk to eat them. But a yummy cereal with a chocolatey center sure sounds healthier.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pack/4 biscuits – 230 calories, 70-80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2-2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 or 220 milligrams of sodium, 85 or 110 milligrams of potassium, 35-36 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 11-13 grams of sugar, 3-4 grams of protein, 10% iron, 10% thiamin, 10% riboflavin, 10% niacin, and 10% vitamin B6.)

Item: Nabisco belVita Breakfast Biscuits
Price: $3.59 (on sale)
Size: 8.8 ounces/5 packs
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Apple Cinnamon)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Blueberry)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Golden Oat)
Pros: All were tasty. Blueberry has more flavor than the others. Provides 18-20 grams of whole grain per serving. No hydrogenated oil. No artificial flavors or sweeteners. Eating cookies for breakfast.
Cons: Provides less B vitamins than most sugary breakfast cereals. Silly spelling of belVita. Kellogg’s Krave Cereal has just as much fiber and has less fat and sugar. The cookies look like prehistoric fossils.

NEWS: Mashed Potato Burger From McDonald’s China Could Be A Knockoff of Another Country’s Burger

Marvo 2 Comments

There are companies in China that make cheap knockoffs of things like iPads, designer sunglasses, Nike shoes, and BMW automobiles. Copyright laws in China are…well, let’s just say copyright in China is copyallright. At first, I didn’t think the new McDonald’s China Mashed Potato Beef Burger sounded like a knockoff of another country’s burger, but after doing some research, it might just be.

Here in the United States Burger King had a burger topped with mashed potatoes and Burger King Taiwan had a burger called the Mashed Potato Beef Burger. Okay, so perhaps it’s not a knockoff of another country’s burger, but it is a knockoff of another company’s burger.

The McDonald’s China Mashed Potato Beef Burger is made up of two 100 percent beef patties, bacon, lettuce, some kind of sauce, and a layer of mashed potatoes. I’m lovin’ it…and I’m hatin’ it at the same time because we can’t get it here in the United States. If you happen to find yourself in China to buy a cheap iPad knockoff, a Mashed Potato Beef Burger will cost you 19.5 yuan (about three US dollars).

REVIEW: Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt (Peach and Strawberry)

Stephanie 37 Comments

Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt (Peach and Strawberry)

Being a hardcore fan takes dedication. It entails joining fan clubs, showing up whenever the thing you’re a fan of makes a public appearance, and devoting a huge portion of your week to enjoying whatever it is. Also a little bit of stalking. I believe the kids have created a delightful portmanteau for that kind of stalker fan: “Stan.”

But can one be a “stan” for a dairy product? I think I may qualify. I freaking love yogurt, man. I eat it every day. I have tried many brands, and I can say with confidence that I’ve settled on Yoplait as my brand of choice. Maybe it’s Yoplait’s high amount of sugar talking, but Yoplait is my jam. That’s not to say that fruit-flavored yogurts are my ultimate faves (see what I did there?) I have my old standbys: Vanilla, Boston Cream Pie, and Banana Cream Pie. These are the flavors that I can’t do without, the ones over which I will seriously get mad if my store hasn’t stocked them or if someone steals them from my fridge. And the stalking… Yes, I will do a drive-by of the dairy section just to see if my favorites are in stock, not even to buy them. I don’t leave scary notes declaring my love, but those little containers know what I’m thinking. They can see it in my steely, meaningful gaze of longing mixed with a touch of resentment.

Now Yoplait has provided a whole new product for me to obsess over by releasing lactose-free versions of the creamy goodness: Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt. (Just in time for Lactose Intolerance Awareness Month! This is actually a thing. Can’t wait for the Hallmark product tie-ins… I’m thinking gassy teddy bears clutching milk bottles.) I’m not even sensitive to lactose, but I will buy this variety.

For now, Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt only comes in Strawberry, Peach, Cherry, and French Vanilla flavors and not in delicious cake/pie flavors… but as a true stan, I don’t hate, I appreciate, and I will kick the faces of anyone who does otherwise. I decided to sample the Strawberry and Peach ones since those are the sweet flavors that got me through my toughest times in 3rd and 4th grade. OK, not really, but they were always on my after school snack list. Lactose Free Yoplait 99% Fat Free Yogurt boasts that it has 50 percent of your recommended daily value of calcium, so we’re off to a good start. Curious about the other ingredients, I read the label and saw that the only ingredients “not found in regular yogurt” were a lactase enzyme, Tricalcium phosphate and Vitamin D3. Interesting. It appears that the yogurt DOES have lactose, but it also contains an added enzyme to help break it down into nothing. But look, it’s a genius addition, and if anybody complains about it they’re just jealous. I’m going to have Vitamin D3 tattooed on my face so everyone will know I’m down with the Yoplait nutrients.

I was pleased to find that the enzyme did absolutely nothing to change the flavor of the Strawberry and Peach yogurts. Both were sweet and creamy and had a nice smooth texture. You seriously wouldn’t know whether you were eating regular yogurt or “lactose-free” yogurt if it weren’t for the stylish, bright green packaging that proudly proclaims the latter.

I’m sure all this is welcome news for those amongst us with lactose intolerance. Poor devils. Sure, alternative non-dairy yogurt exists — I’ve tried soy, but it’s just not the same. And it’s expensive. Those little beans can be so hard to milk. So now we have an alternative to the alternative. Works out fine because they’re just imitators of the Originator. And as the Yoplait stan that I am, it pains to me say that, price-wise, Yoplait Lactose Free is only slightly less expensive than the non-dairy brands. One thing to consider is that the label may have the word “Free” on it a lot, but the price is 90 cents, which is a little more than I’ve paid for regular or Light Yoplait yogurt in the past. On the bright side, if my insides decide they suddenly can’t process yogurt anymore then I’ll have a reason to keep living because there’s no replacing Yoplait. EVER.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container (6 ounces) – Strawberry – 170 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 26 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 50% calcium, 50% vitamin D, and 4% iron. Peach – 170 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 26 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 50% calcium, 50% vitamin D, and 4% iron.)

Item: Yoplait Lactose Free 99% Fat Free Yogurt (Peach and Strawberry)
Price: 90 cents
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Peach)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Strawberry)

Pros: Yogurt stans. No lactose-related tummy aches. Provides 50% of recommended daily value of Calcium. Tastes like normal yogurt. Lactose Intolerance Awareness Month.
Cons: Gassy teddy bears. Stalking dairy. Slightly pricier than Yoplait Light and regular Yoplait. Lack of cake/pie flavors. Milking beans.