NEWS: Papa Murphy’s Introduces S’Mores Dessert Pizza Just in Time for Valentine’s Day and Camping in the Snow

Kelley 3 Comments

Happy Valentine's Day!

I was largely unfamiliar with Papa Murphy’s until I heard about their new S’mores Dessert Pizza. Apparently their whole schtick is “Take ‘N’ Bake” – essentially, they assemble the pizza for you, then you take it home and bake it in your own oven whenever you’re ready. Their website is sadly lacking on information about this. When exactly is “whenever you’re ready?” In a few hours? Days? The year 2014?

A friend of mine loves Papa Murphy’s and provided me with some information. Apparently it’s best to bake it immediately, but you can leave it in the fridge for up to 24 hours and it’ll still be good. After that, there is a quality decline. This is all secondhand information, but she’s frequented Papa Murphy’s enough that I trust her judgment. She also informed me that the pizza does come with baking instructions. I figured they did, but enjoyed entertaining the idea of Papa Murphy’s leaving you in the wind, being forced to guess on cooking times and temperatures.

Now that we’ve solved that mystery, let’s get to the pizza. From the mouth of Papa: “Our new Smores Dessert Pizza is the gooey goodness of real Hershey’s Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips, lightly toasted Mini Marshmallows and a delicious Crisp Topping.”

There’s no listed price, but I’ve heard their pies are pretty cheap, so if you and your honey are broke, you can get a regular Papa Murphy’s pizza and a S’mores Dessert Pizza and have a pizza-filled Valentine’s Day. What better way to say “I love you” than by cooking a pizza topped with a traditional camping treat? It’s a subtle way of telling your loved one, “If you don’t find a job soon we may be camping outside permanently!”

Update: According to jima99 on Twitter the pizza is “just $3 and about the size of a normal small pizza.”

NEWS: Stuff Yourself With New Activia Parfait Crunch So That The Bifidus Regularis Can Unstuff Everything Else You’ve Eaten

Marvo 1 Comment

ACTIVIAおいしい！

Activia Parfait Crunch is the company’s latest product to get us to consume more Bifidus Regularis, which is not a spell Harry Potter can cast upon you so that you can poop on a regular basis. It’s Activia’s unique probiotic culture that helps you poop on a regular basis when consumed daily for two weeks as parts of a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle.

Activia Parfait Crunch combines their lowfat yogurt with fruit pieces and lowfat granola. It’s available in four flavors: Strawberry, Mixed Berry, Vanilla, and Peach. Each six-ounce cup contains 220 calories, 3 grams of fat and retails for $1.29.

NEWS: Jack in the Box Mint Oreo Shake Give Me Another Reason To Avoid Their Chocolate, Vanilla and Strawberry Shakes

Marvo 3 Comments

I have no idea what Jack in the Box’s chocolate, vanilla and strawberry shakes taste like because whenever I have a craving to fill my body with blended creamy goodness while sitting in the Jack in the Box drive thru, I almost always pick their Oreo shake. When I don’t, it’s a seasonal flavor, like egg nog or pumpkin pie. I don’t know why I stay away from them, I just do.

Recently, Jack in the Box introduced a new Mint Oreo Shake, which gives me another option so that I can continue to avoid their chocolate, vanilla and strawberry shakes. The Mint Oreo Ice Cream Shake is made with vanilla ice cream Oreo cookie pieces, mint-flavored syrup, whipped topping and a maraschino cherry. It comes in two sizes: 16- and 24-ounces.

A 16-ounce serving contains…um, now would be the time to close your browser window if large numbers scare you…925 calories, 401 calories from fat, 45 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 388 milligrams of sodium, 696 milligrams of potassium, 116 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 95 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts

Drew 11 Comments

Kellogg's Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts

Many of you reading this may wonder why a 30-year-old man is reviewing Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [22], a sugary abomination clearly designed solely to be eaten by children for, you know, “breakfast.”  (We know better, don’t we, kids?)  It’s pretty simple — reviewing a fine product like Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [61] is the easiest way for me to meet my word quota without having to say anything of substance.  If you look carefully, you’ll realize this entire review is only five sentences long.  Can I get an “Amen!” for cheating the system?  A few more of these and I’ll finally be able to afford those pec implants.  I mean, penis smallification surgery!  Obviously.

But since we’re here, we might as well take a closer look at this affront to parents and dentists alike, by which of course I’m referring to Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [161].  As a teenager I used to scarf down the S’mores variety with the same frequency that most of my peers were watching scrambled porn (€œI think that was a boob!  Sweet!€), but I haven’t had one of any kind in probably a decade.  Back then I never bothered reading nutritional information because I was swimming a billion hours a week (estimated) so it really didn’t matter, but apparently Pop-Tarts is not health food.  Crazy!

But what they lack in nutritional value, Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [252] more than make up for in visual insanity.  The package alone has caused more seizures than a viewing of Tron on acid — you have the respective Kellogg’s and Pop-Tarts logos superimposed on an old-timey “ice cream shoppe” (the extra “pe” stands for quaintness) awning, with a helpful “New Flavor!” tag in one corner, and that’s just the top half.  The bottom shows a picture of the Pop-Tart itself with a real ice cream sandwich flying around it, leaving a rainbow comet trail in its wake that also proclaims it a good source of calcium.  Holy balls, I want to eat one of these and go fight a leprechaun.  You’re my bitch now, Lucky.  Removing one from the foil wrapper is only a slight letdown, as it does indeed boast an abundance of multicolored sprinkles, plus a chocolate swirl.  I can honestly say it’s the least boring Pop-Tart I’ve ever seen, which is not saying much, but there it is.

Kellogg's Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts Innards

Obviously Kellogg’s can’t put actual ice cream inside their Pop-Tarts, yet have set themselves the task of making the brand taste as much like ice cream as possible, so I was curious about how they’d accomplish this.  The answer, it turns out, is “just cram a whole mess of frosting up in there.”  It really tastes more like marshmallow or cake frosting than ice cream, which is not such a bad thing.  The rainbow sprinkles further put me in the mindset of cake, to the point where “Ye Olde Birth-day Cake” would probably be a more accurate brand name than “Ice Cream Shoppe.”  The chocolate drizzle on the top does indeed look a bit like hot fudge, but unless you’ve got hypersensitive taste buds, you’re not going to be able to detect the chocolate — the frosting taste dominates over all, with perhaps a bit of sprinkle evident if my eyes aren’t just liking the pretty colors and arbitrarily assigning a taste to them.  And let’s be honest, any ice cream cookie sandwich you’ve ever eaten had either chocolate chips or M&Ms in the cookies, not just the rainbow sprinkles offered to us by Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts [616].

I wasn’t really disappointed by the Pop-Tarts because they still taste good, even if they don’t perfectly capture the flavor they’re trying to approximate.  They reminded me more than a little of the S’mores Pop-Tarts of my youth, just with less chocolate and a more overtly sugary flavor to the filling.  True, they taste more like a birthday cake than an ice cream sandwich, but since either is a perfectly acceptable treat when you’re a kid, I’d say they meet the needs of their target audience, as well as those of us just looking to recapture a bit of our youth.

Thanks Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts.  [727! Word quota accomplished!]

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a myriad vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.35
Size: 1 box of 8
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good. Hearkening back to really unhealthy youth.  Saying the full name makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something.  Scrambled porn.  Talking smack to leprechauns.  Staring at box cheaper than buying drugs.  Can’t go wrong with cake.  Meeting word quota.
Cons: Wang surgery not cheap.  Scrambled porn actually 1979 4-H livestock semifinals.  Requires “toasting” device to unlock full potential.  Doesn’t taste like ice cream.  Hollow feeling at working the system.

REVIEW: Doritos Pizza Supreme

Marvo 13 Comments

Doritos Pizza Supreme

Do you want a friend to punch you in the face?

The first thing you’re going to have to do is plan a day long hiking trip and invite your friend to come along. It should be a long and physically punishing hike. It should also be far away from civilization and involve either a raging river, steep cliffs or wildlife that could kill you. Tell your friend that you’ll be driving and responsible for packing and carrying the food and water on the hike. Pack a few bottles of water and finger food snacks, like granola, fruits, carrot sticks, raw meat and other foods you normally wouldn’t eat.

When you’re on the hike, stop for occasional water breaks. If your friend wants to eat, tell him or her that they should wait until they get to a good place to rest and that there’s one up ahead. After 15 minutes have gone by and your friend asks, “Are we there yet?”, say that it’s just around the corner. At this point, keep an eye out for a raging river, steep cliffs, or a bear. After 30 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Are we fucking there yet?”, tell your friend not yet. Continue to look out for a raging river, steep cliff, or a creature that could maul you. When you do end up next to a river, next to a cliff or in the view of a wild animal, tell your friend that the two of you should stop to take a break.

This next part is essential if you want your friend to punch you in the face, and what you do depends on whether you’re next to a river, steep cliff or wild beast who could eat you for dinner. If you’re next to a river, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food into the river and yell, “Aaack, the food fell into the river and it’s being taken away by the current!” If you’re next to a steep cliff, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food over the edge of the cliff, and yell, “Aaack, the food fell over the edge and I can’t get to it!” If you’re near a wild deadly animal, point at the beast, throw the food at it, and yell, “Aaack, (insert beast type here)! I threw our food at it. We should run away while it’s distracted.”

Then you and your friend should run back to your car. Make sure neither of you gets captured and eaten by the wild animal, or everything would’ve been in vain. When back in your car, begin the long drive home. By now, your friend will be hungry and tired and will tell you to stop somewhere for food, but tell your friend you’re craving pizza and will order one and have it delivered when the two of you get back.

If possible, try to get pulled over by the police for speeding.

When the two of you get back of your place, pretend to order a pizza without having to make an actual call, then tell your friend that the pizza place will deliver it in 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes have passed by and you friend asks, “Where’s the pizza?”, say it should be here any minute. After 45 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Where’s the fucking pizza?”, pretend to look agitated and then pick up your phone and pretend to call the pizza place. While on the phone, nod your head a few times, say “It better get here soon” and then hang up. By the time one hour passes, your friend should be extremely hungry, tired and grumpy, so tell your friend that you’ll wait outside for the pizza delivery person. When you get outside, yell “Finally, it’s about time. I should get a free pizza for this.” Then open the door, look back like you’re talking to a delivery person and say, “The only tip I’m going to give you is to not take so damn long to deliver a pizza.” Then slam the door behind you.

Then grab a bag of Doritos Pizza Supreme, run towards your friend, and throw the bag at your friend’s face while yelling, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos. And your mom is a whore!”

If this doesn’t get your friend to punch you in the face, I don’t know what will.

Doritos Pizza Supreme Naked

The flavor of the Doritos Pizza Supreme is supposed to be complex like the 700-plus word instructions for a sociological Rube Goldberg machine that you just read. According to Frito-Lay, thanks to their “Flavor Plus” technology, we’re supposed to be able to taste every ingredient found on a supreme pizza, which usually includes, sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and olives.

While my taste buds had trouble picking out each component found on a supreme pizza, as a whole, the Doritos Pizza Supreme did taste like a supreme pizza and I enjoyed them. Although, I had my doubts because when I opened the bag it smelled like a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Besides the flavor, everything else about these chips are typical of most Doritos: the crunch, the triangular shape of each chip and the cheesy powder that gets stuck to your fingers, like iron shavings on a magnet.

Currently, the Doritos Pizza Supreme is only available for a limited time, but I hope they’re successful enough that they become a permanent flavor, because I like them. I also hope Doritos continues to make more chips that taste like greasy fast food, because they seem to be adept at it. I don’t know how Frito-Lay’s “Flavor Plus” technology works, but I bet it’s as complex as trying to get a friend to punch you in the face, Rube Goldberg-style.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 240 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A and 2% iron.)

Item: Doritos Pizza Supreme
Price: $1.09
Size: 1.75 ounces
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It tastes like a supreme pizza. Tasty. Getting a friend to punch you in the face Rube Goldberg-style. Crunchy. 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat. Leaves cheesy residue on fingers. Frito-Lay’s Flavor Plus technology. Getting to say, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos.”
Cons: Smells like Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Couldn’t pick out every single ingredient found on a supreme pizza. Contains MSG. Available for a limited time.