REVIEW: Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk (Original and Vanilla)

Marvo 13 Comments

The new Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk continues my amazement with Silk and their ability to get milk from things that don’t have teats. Although if you put together two almonds side-by-side, they look like tanned shriveled boobs that never saw a bra in their lives and lost to gravity eons ago.

Call me unsophisticated or a sucker of the dairy industry’s nipple, but I’ve never heard of almond milk. Actually, I didn’t know almonds could be made into anything other than trail mix, desserts, Almond Joy and Almond Roca.

Almonds are known for being wholesome because they’re packed with vitamin E and contain the heart-healthy and prefix-happy polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats; almond milk contains all the benefits of almonds and it’s lower in calories than regular milk; and almond eyes mesmerize me. Silk’s version of this milk alternative made from a saggy boob-shaped nut comes in two varieties — original and vanilla.

As someone who has never consumed almond milk, but eats a lot of Almond Roca, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Fortunately, after trying both varieties, I have to say Silk did a good job of creating something that didn’t gross me out.

The original version tastes like almonds with a little bit of sweetness. So if you’ve had an almond, whether it be from a trail mix or given to you by friendly squirrel, you’ll know what the original Silk PureAlmond is like. At first, I thought it was weird drinking something that has the flavor of a solid and crunchy nut, but after a few more sips it quickly became no big deal. The vanilla version was significantly sweeter than the original variety. While the original version has seven grams of sugar, the vanilla one has more than double the amount. The nutty flavor is less noticeable thanks to the “natural vanilla flavor,” but I do believe it makes almond milk more palatable for those who aren’t used to it.

Not only are both flavors delicious and nutritious, they’re also lactose- and soy-free and have a consistency that’s thicker than most soy milk. However, they’re also very low in protein, which isn’t a problem for cow and soy milk. But if you hate moo milk and are allergic to soy, or you’re lactose-intolerant and hate soy, or any other combination of allergies and hate, I’d suggest giving Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk a try.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – Vanilla – 90 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 150 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein. Original – 60 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 150 milligrams of potassium, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein. Vitamins & Minerals – 10% vitamin A, 30% calcium, 25% vitamin D, 2% riboflavin, 4% magnesium, 2% copper, 4% iron, 50% vitamin E, 6% phosphorus, 2% zinc and 6% manganese.)

Item: Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk (Original and Vanilla)
Price: $3.49 each
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Vanilla)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Original)
Pros: Both flavors are tasty. Lower in calories than regular milk. No saturated fat. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Good source of calcium and vitamin D. Kick ass source of vitamin E. Silk’s ability to get milk from things that don’t have teats.
Cons: Very little protein. Original flavor may take some getting used to if you’ve never had almond milk before. Vanilla flavor might be too sweet for some. Almonds look like tanned saggy boobs.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme

Marvo 14 Comments

The new Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme cookies commemorate the 25th birthday of the Dairy Queen Blizzard.

Wait. The Blizzard is 25 years old?

Hmm…All this time I thought it was a minor. So seven years ago, I could’ve legally been hitting on the Dairy Queen Blizzard. I also could’ve looked at sexy photos of it on the internet and fantasized about it without fear of being arrested and having to register as a sex offender. But now that I know it’s 25 years old, the appeal of hooking up with the Blizzard has gone away. An older man getting with an 18-year-old is just below threesomes on the Things That Hugh Hefner Has Done That You Probably Never Will Experience Scale.

Why didn’t some pervert out there with knowledge of Adobe Flash or Javascript build an online 18th birthday countdown timer for the Blizzard?

If you’re a pervert and you know it, clap your hands.
If you’re a pervert and you know it, clap your hands.
If you’re a pervert and you know it,
Then your online 18th birthday countdown timer for an underage celebrity will surely show it,
If you’re a pervert and you know it, clap your hands.

Seriously, other tech savvy pervs have done it for the Olsen Twins, Hayden Panettiere, Britney Spears, Emma Watson, Miley Cyrus, and Lindsay Lohan.

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan and things I don’t want to lick, I’m not sure I like dragging my tongue against the Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme’s filling, which contains specks of Oreo cookies. It’s like I’m French kissing sugary coarse sandpaper or licking my unshaven face taint as I try to touch my nose with my tongue. The rough filling has a vanilla flavor that’s slightly more enhanced than what’s in between a regular Oreo cookie, and it’s almost as thick as the filling in a Double Stuf Oreo. I don’t think the limited edition cookie tastes like an Oreo Blizzard and I didn’t find it to be as delectable as regular Oreos. Maybe if I went meta and blended a few of them with some soft serve ice cream they would be better.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dairy Queen Blizzard. I may have missed your 18th birthday, but I won’t miss the McFlurry’s. Someone please build an online 18th birthday countdown timer for the McFlurry.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 6% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme
Price: $2.98
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: The House That Sam Built
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. Filling has specks of Oreo cookies and is almost as thick as a Double Stuf Oreo. Having Adobe Flash or Javascript skills, unless you’re an iPhone developer. Dairy Queen Blizzards. Getting to use the word “meta” in a review to make me look like I have vocabulary skills.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like an Oreo Blizzard. Not quite as good as regular Oreos. Missing the Blizzard’s 18th birthday. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Not as many cookies as a pack of regular Oreos. Licking an unshaven face taint.

REVIEW: Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee

Kayla 13 Comments

To mark the beginning of the warmer days of spring, I get a Slurpee from 7-Eleven. Slurpees are like teen magazines; you don’t want to be caught with one, because people will think you’re a tad bit weird if they see you tonguing and speaking in baby-talk to the latest picture of Justin Bieber, or in the case of 7-Eleven’s Slurpees, tonguing the dribble that accumulates on the top of the cup and yelling at it when it gets all over your shirt.

Most of the time, the scathing looks people give you when sucking on a massive Slurpee are worth it because it’s usually uber delicious. Besides, you shouldn’t care about what people think, because you’re in Slurpee euphoria and they’re not. However, if you don’t care about the looks people give you when you’re making out with a picture of a sixteen-year-old male pop star that looks like he could be on Nickelodeon’s version of The L Word, I suggest you quit your job as a middle school teacher.

What makes the Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee invincible? On the surface, there couldn’t be anything invincible about a semi-frozen beverage that starts to melt before you stick a straw in it. But a massive corporation that sells hot dogs in a carousel couldn’t be lying about its beverage’s invincibility to the millions of stoners who made the company what it is today, right? Like Jacques Cousteau, or Octomom’s gynecologist, I decided to risk my personal safety so people can learn from my invincibility experiments with the Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee.

I drove into Crips territory in a red Civic, wearing Red Door perfume, a shirt from Gap’s (Product)Red collection and my face covered in red paint. Also, in one hand I had a Red Robin burger and in the other I had a Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee.

The results?

My car was stolen, I was called an old bitch for wearing grandma perfume, my burger was ripped from my clutches and consumed in front of my face and instead of getting pistol whipped, my Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee was dumped on my head. After that ordeal, I decided to end my quest to determine the invincibility of the Slurpee. I realized people just toss the word around, because it sounds badass. Michael Jackson named one of his records “Invincible” and we all know what happened to MJ.

The Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee is not badass enough to deserve the title “invincible.” However, it’s pretty tasty. It tastes like a Creamsicle, but with less of the smooth vanilla flavor. The orange dominates the vanilla, but I don’t feel comfortable using the word “dominate” to describe this beverage because it gives it street cred that it doesn’t deserve. I’m notorious for combing Slurpee flavors, and if they still had the Vanilla Cream flavor or Blue Vanilla, I would combine that with this Slurpee just so the orange and vanilla are balanced.

The Sunkist Invincible Orange was a really good Slurpee, but I feel it’s not in-your-face enough for a tie-in with anything associated with Iron Man 2. 7-Eleven kind of pussied out on this, kind of like what Insane Clown Posse did with their song “Miracles.” Maybe if they added some caffeine it would be better, but alas it’s just a Slurpee that can help you deal with the warm days of spring and summer, but not offer any protection if you’re wearing the wrong colors in the wrong neighborhood.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: We Rate Stuff also reviewed it, but didn’t like it as much.)

Item: Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee
Price: $1.39
Size: 32 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing orange flavor. Tastes kind of like a Creamsicle. Warmer weather. Slurpee euphoria. 7-Eleven being around thanks to stoners.
Cons: Needs a tad more vanilla. Justin Bieber. Overuse of words so that they lose their actual meaning. Being Octomom’s gynecologist. Cougar middle school teachers.

REVIEW: Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes

Marvo 6 Comments

Are you thinking what I’m thinking when it comes to the new Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes? Let’s find out. On the count of three, let’s yell out what we’re thinking.

One…two…three…cookie incest!

Oh, you weren’t thinking cookie incest. Instead you were thinking about how I already reviewed these fudge-covered, mint-flavored cookies awhile back and your dislike of the spelling of “cremes” because that’s how them French folks spell it. Or if you live in France, you were thinking about how I already reviewed these fudge-covered, mint-flavored cookies awhile back and your dislike of American companies stealing “cremes” from your vernacular.

I can understand why you might think I reviewed these in the past, because they’re extremely similar to the Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreos I tried a few months ago. While those were whole regular Oreos covered in a mint fudge, these are mint Oreos, minus one of the chocolate cookies, covered in regular fudge. Their ingredients might be slightly different, but they taste exactly alike

After reading the previous sentence, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Let’s find out again. On the count of three, let’s yell out what we’re thinking.

One…two…three…Kate and Allison Foster from the 1980s NBC show Double Trouble!

Oh, you weren’t thinking about identical twin sisters Jean and Liz Sagal, who played Kate and Allison Foster on the 1980s NBC show Double Trouble and are the younger sisters of Katey Sagal, who starred in Married… with Children and is the voice of Leela on Futurama. Instead you were thinking about how Nabisco is taking a page out of the Taco Bell cookbook because they’re selling a product that tastes like another product of theirs and pushing it as something new.

Overall, the Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes were very satisfying, especially when chilled. They may not be original, but because they taste like the delectable Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreos, which taste like Girl Scout Thin Mints, I can look past the lack of ingenuity. But I swear, if Nabisco comes out with an Oreo cookie that consists of their regular filling with mint chocolate cookies and dipped in fudge, I’m gonna bitchslap the nearest colophon.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 cookies – 170 calories, 9 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes
Price: $3.49
Size: 8.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delectable. Tastes like Girl Scout Thin Mints. Awesome when chilled. 1980s NBC show Double Trouble. Adolescent dreams of Kate and Allison Foster. Futurama.
Cons: Trying to find a colophon to bitchslap. Not really an original product. My inability to read your mind. High in saturated fat, if you eat three or more of them. The spelling of “cremes.” Cookie incest.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box French Fries (2010)

Kelley 18 Comments

French fries are undoubtedly the most popular side order at any burger chain in America. I say that having done absolutely zero research, but I’m confident that it’s true. It also seems to be true that everyone has a different opinion about fries, and they love to express these opinions and, ultimately, start arguments about them. French fry arguments are like music preference arguments: nobody’s going to win, but somebody’s going to get a black eye. Okay, maybe not that drastic. But somebody’s getting banned from the ilovefrenchfries.com message board, is all I’m saying.

(PS – ilovefrenchfries.com is not a real website, so put your trolling equipment away.)

I must be bizarre, because I usually don’t order french fries. I don’t hate them, I just don’t really care for them either way. I’m comfortable having a monogamous relationship with my hamburger. Adding fries would just make the burger jealous and cause all sorts of problems. My burger and I are perfectly happy together. We don’t need any french fries coming in to “spice up the relationship.”

This could be either good or bad, in regards to this review, because today I’m taking a look at Jack in the Box’s new and supposedly improved french fries. Unfortunately, I can’t for the life of me remember what their old fries tasted like. Fortunately, that gives me a fresh palate I can then use to rain my judgment down upon these fries.

According to Tammy Bailey, division vice president of menu marketing and promotions for Jack in the Box Inc. and someone who probably has to use a very small font on her business card, “We’ve received a lot of feedback from consumers on what they like most about French fries, with flavor, texture and crispness at the top of the list. So we created our new French fries with a crispier outside texture that enhances the potato flavor and helps them retain their temperature.”

Well, Tammy, I’m afraid I’m going to have to disagree with you on some of those points. My fries were lukewarm at best, so either this magical outside texture is not working or my order had been sitting out for a while. They did have more flavor than other fries I’ve had, which did conjure some vague memories of the old Jack in the Box fries I’ve had. It’s a flavor similar to Burger King’s fries, from when they changed their recipe however many years ago. Instead of just having the flavor of grease, there’s a taste kind of like batter that makes them less bland than most other fast food fries. While the flavor was pretty good, I thought they could have used a little more salt.

The crispness is an interesting topic. Jack in the Box claims that their feedback from customers states that crispness is an important factor. Well, I got a little feedback of my own, from about a half dozen of my friends. I asked them what their favorite fast food fry was, and why. I was surprised at the results – every single one of them said they liked McDonald’s fries, because they’re limp, greasy and overly salty.

Take that with a grain of salt, har har, since these are my friends, and anyone who associates with someone who deliberately attempts to find and consume the most disgusting junk food she can find is probably of questionable taste and character to begin with. That said, the Jack in the Box fried potato sticks do live up to their claim of crispness. While I did get a few of those small, crunchy, hard fries, there wasn’t a limp stick in the bunch. Insert “limp stick” joke here.

Jack in the Box mostly succeeds in what they set out to do. While my fries were lukewarm, raising questions about how well the outer texture actually insulates the pommes frites, and I found them to be lacking in salt, they are indeed perfectly crispy and more flavorful than the average fry. The question is, is this what the people want? Well, I guess that all comes back around to the ageless polarization of people’s opinions on french fries. Some like ’em crispy, some like ’em greasy, some like ’em salty, some like ’em limp. And as long as people have assholes – er, wait, I mean, opinions, there’s going to be someone out there who likes Jack in the Box’s new, crispier fries, and someone who wants to punch that person in the face.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 small order – 333 calories, 138 calories from fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 15 grams of total fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 milligram of cholesterol, 607 milligrams of sodium, 432 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box French Fries (2010)
Price: $1.79
Size: 1 small order
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delivers the promise of crispiness. Monogamous burger relationships. More flavorful than most fries. People getting overly agitated about flavor preferences. PR mostly living up to its own hype. Limp sticks?
Cons: Not enough salt. Getting a black eye over french fries. Magical texture jacket not keeping my fries warm. Limp sticks?