REVIEW: Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter

Kayla 5 Comments

Get ready fair readers, because I’m about to blow your mind.

According to my sources *cough* Facebook *cough*, March is National Peanut Month. After doing some research, I later found out National Peanut Lover’s Day falls on March 15th and National Peanut Butter Lover’s Day is on March 1st, which of course makes sense. However, National Peanut Butter Lover’s Month is in November and National Peanut Butter Day is in January. Shit. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I need some epinephrine to deal this clusterfuck of made up holidays.

Almonds, on the other hand, are straightforward, they don’t have an entire month devoted to them, and their day pretty much goes on without any fanfare (it’s February 16th so mark your calendars for next year, and if you’re the worst boyfriend ever, combine it with Valentine’s Day). To me, almonds are a classier, more stuck up nut than the peanut. A kid who uses his jacket’s sleeve as a tissue has the taste bud capabilities of distinguishing what makes peanuts and peanut butter yummy. Almonds, however, are certainly for a more refined crowd. Even by saying the word “almond” you can’t help but picture yourself wearing a monocle and speaking in an accent that is supposed to represent the higher echelon of society who uses the word “echelon” in everyday conversations.

The Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter has a strong taste of almond (go figure), but it wasn’t as chunky as I expected. When it comes to peanut butter, I like it super, duper chunky. Hell, I like my peanut butter so chunky it wouldn’t be able to fit into the clothes in the Husky section of Sears. The Blue Diamond Almond Butter is chunky, and could fit into a pair of Husky-sized Toughskins easily, but that’s unlikely to happen since it wouldn’t be caught dead in clothes from a department store. Instead it would wear Brooks Brothers suits and ties everyday, which would be the reason for peanut butter to pick on almond butter. Despite the constant ridicule from Skippy and the gang, the Blue Diamond Chunky Almond Butter can hold its own on a nice piece of wholegrain toast with some grape jelly.

Although it tastes good, the combination of almond butter and jelly is like seeing a celebrity couple that just doesn’t look right. Kind of like Mo’nique and her skinny, slightly effeminate husband. The public knows that jelly will always be better with peanut butter and I’ve come to terms with that. But almond butter really is good and according to my sources *cough* Oprah’s bowel movement loving buddy, Dr. Oz *cough* almond butter is healthier for you than its plebian cousin. Although I don’t know how healthy it can really be when you combine it with the delectable devil’s spread, Nutella.

The Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter will never be a replacement for my luscious Skippy Super Chunk, but it’s really nice to have in the pantry when you want to switch things up, or if you want to pretend you’re eating more like an adult, and less like a kid who keeps a booger collection in the pockets of his Husky-sized Toughskins.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 tbsp – 190 calories, 17 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 8% calcium, 40% vitamin E, 8% iron and 20% magnesium.)

Item: Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter
Price: $3.69
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Christmas Tree Shops
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great natural almond taste. Healthier than peanut butter. Great way to get Vitamin E. Tastes yummy with grape jelly or Nutella. Celebrating National Almond Day. Monocles.
Cons: Usually more expensive than peanut butter. Not chunky enough. Getting caught using your jacket’s sleeve as a tissue. Dr. Oz talking about poop. Mo’nique coming after you with a frying pan.

REVIEW: KFC Original Boneless Filet

Marvo 10 Comments

The new KFC Original Boneless Filet makes me wonder if the company has choked their creative chicken too many times. After coming out with noteworthy products, like their Kentucky Grilled Chicken and Fiery Grilled Wings, they came out with a product that’s basically the stuff they stick in between buns to make some of their sandwiches.

It’s like KFC came up with the idea during their refractory period after choking their creative chicken, because as every man knows, it’s difficult to get anything to come up during a refractory period. That includes good ideas.

To give you an idea of how big a KFC Original Boneless Filet is, just imagine four McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets fused together into something that would make McNuggets even more unnatural. It’s lightly breaded and seasoned with the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices and then dumped into a sleeve usually reserved for KFC’s potato wedges.

If you’re familiar with KFC’s chicken, then you know what their Original Boneless Filet tastes like. It’s the same flavor you’ve learned to love, although beyond that there’s nothing exciting about its flavor and, even though it looks like a giant chicken nugget, it doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. The chicken was tender and somewhat juicy, but the exterior coating wasn’t crispy and seemed like it was just there to provide some friction to make sure the deep-fried chicken doesn’t slide out of its sleeve. Overall, the KFC Original Boneless Filet wasn’t original, nor does it get me excited.

Personally, I like bones in my chicken because they remind me I’m eating an animal and that I’m higher on the food chain than them. Yeah! Suck on that chickens! While I suck on my fingers, because you’re finger lickin’ good. I also like having bones around in case I have to defend myself against a rancor.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 filet – 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: KFC Original Boneless Filet
Price: $5.99 (meal)
Size: 96 grams each
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: No bones. KFC herbs and spices. Chicken was tender. Being higher on the food chain than a chicken.
Cons: Same stuff found in their sandwiches. Coating wasn’t crispy. Doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. Refractory periods. Choking one’s creative chicken too many times. Having to defend yourself against rancors.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Winners To Shower On Me!!!

Marvo

It’s time to come clean. Here are the six winners of The Impulsive Buy’s Shower On Me Prize Drawing and the body washes they’ve won:

1. eric boothby – Axe Twist Shower Gel
2. Dorothy – Old Spice Deo Sport Odor Blocker Body Wash
3. Duo – Dove Men+Care Extra Fresh Body and Face Wash
4. Gillian – Dial Cherry Seed Oil & Mint NutriSkin Body Wash
5. Kathleen – Dove Unscented Sensitive Skin Nourishing Body Wash
6. Glowy – Caress White Peach Cream Whipped Souffle Body Wash

Congratulations to all the winners and thank you to everyone who participated.

NEWS: Jack in the Box Introduces New Fries and McDonald’s Says ‘Did You Hear Something? Because I Didn’t.’

Marvo 14 Comments

Read our Jack in the Box fries review here.

I don’t really care for Jack in the Box’s Natural Cut Fries because they’re limp, not crispy and they make me feel sad for the potatoes that were used to make them.

I either replace them with curly fries or dip them in so much ketchup you’d think I’m Jack Bauer and I’m torturing the fries to find out where the nuclear bomb is. Thankfully, sometime this month, Jack in the Box will be serving new French Fries that are supposed to be crispier and tastier.

The new fries will be available in three sizes and approximately priced at $1.39 (small), $1.79 (medium) and $1.99 (large).

via GrubGrade

REVIEW: Pepsi Max Cease Fire

Marvo 10 Comments

Pepsi Max Cease Fire

Ever since Pepsi Max was introduced in the United States a few years ago, it’s been my main source of caffeine, since it’s a zero calorie soda that provides me with 115 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per 20 ounce bottle. I’ve consumed a lot of it, so much so that if Pepsi Max was an illegal drug, I would’ve overdosed a long time ago; if it was a prostitute, I would have a burning sensation whenever I pee; and if it was regular Pepsi, I would have diabetes.

Pepsi Max Cease Fire is Pepsi Max with a hint of lime flavor and it’s the first variation of the high-caffeine diet soda in the United States. While the bottle says it has a hint of lime, it turned out to be more than just a smidgen.

It had an uncomfortable amount of lime that masked the cola flavor and made me briefly wonder if I diluted it with water in a bucket and used the solution to mop, could bring some luster to my tile floors? But just like seeing Jason Segal’s penis over and over again in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I somewhat got used to it.

The zero calorie, lime-flavored soda gets its name because of its claim to soothe the burn from spicy foods. Unfortunately, when I first opened the bottle I didn’t have any spicy foods in the apartment. So instead, I licked my arm several times because many women have said I’m mui caliente. But that didn’t work. Then I quickly remembered, as I pulled my arm hair off of my tongue, that those women didn’t say I was mui caliente, they said I was mui peludo.

So in order to test Pepsi’s claim, I had to walk to the convenience store down the street, while avoiding the temptation to visit the 24-hour massage parlor along the way, and pick up a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. After building a decent burn from eating half of a 3.25 ounce bag, I took a swig of the Pepsi Max Cease Fire and swished it around in my mouth. While the soda was in my mouth, it did soothe the burn a little, but then again wouldn’t most cool beverages that aren’t hard liquor. After I swallowed, the burn slowly crept back to a point that was only slightly less than what I started at.

So basically Pepsi Max Cease Fire, when it comes to soothing the burn from spicy food, is as effective as trying to put out the Burning Man fire by having one guy with a full bladder pee on it. It’ll help a little, but it won’t come close to putting it out.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pepsi Max Cease Fire
Price: $1.25
Size: 2 liters
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Zero calories. A good amount of caffeine. 24-hour massage parlors. Regular Pepsi Max. Being mui peludo in the winter.
Cons: Uncomfortable amount of lime flavor. Off-putting aftertaste. Doesn’t do a good job of soothing the burn from spicy food. Being mui peludo in the summer.