REVIEW: Taco Bell XXL Chalupa, Fire-Roasted Border Salsa & Verde Border Salsa

Kelley 27 Comments

Taco Bell XXL Chalupa and Border Salsas>

XXL Chalupa

Described by Taco Bell’s website as “A double-sized Chalupa shell packed with seasoned ground beef, crispy lettuce, tomatoes, real cheddar cheese and nacho cheese sauce, red strips and topped with reduced fat sour cream,” the XXL Chalupa flies in the face of common sense and the recommendations of any nutritionist. Weighing in at 266 grams, the XXL Chalupa is 57.5% larger than the original Chalupa. I have this delightful mental image of Jillian Michaels screaming at the XXL Chalupa with all the rage she can muster, which, if The Biggest Loser is any indication, is a lot of rage.

Taco Bell XXL Chalupa Original Chalupa Comparison

I also like the inclusion of “reduced fat sour cream.” That has to be a little wink-wink nudge-nudge from Taco Bell to us, right? It’s like they’re saying, “C’mon, we know you’re going to order a Diet Coke to go along with this monstrosity.” Taco Bell has their finger on the erratic pulse of their clientele.

Taco Bell XXL Chalupa Box

I certainly did not expect to be handed a giant box when I ordered my XXL Chalupa, but that is what I got. I’m not sure the box was entirely necessary – they probably could have wrapped it up pretty snug – but it’s smart from a marketing standpoint. I felt like I’d just purchased something with real heft. An event, not just a taco.

It does not fail to impress upon opening the box, either. The XXL Chalupa actually has sides that curve up to keep all of its innards from spilling out like a teenager in a horror movie who just got eviscerated because he had sex with his girlfriend. Poor guy, he just wanted a little action. In a barn. In the middle of nowhere. With a crazy serial killer on the loose. I mean c’mon, he’s got his priorities in order.

Taco Bell XXL Chalupa>

As you can see, my chalupa had a containment breach, and all the sour cream on my XXL Chalupa was globbed onto one side, half of it not inside the taco. Whatever, it happens. You roll the dice when you get fast food; you’re lucky if you actually get what you ordered, and you’re lucky if all the ingredients are distributed properly. That is just the way of things.

The shell was crispy and fried to perfection. It seemed more deep-fried than a normal Chalupa; it actually reminded me strongly of frybread, which is definitely a good thing. There was just the right amount of Taco Bell’s mystery ground beef and nacho cheese sauce. I think the addition of the nacho cheese really stepped up the flavor. It also had shredded cheese, but I always found the shredded cheese on fast food tacos to be weak and almost flavorless. Nacho cheese all the way.

Taco Bell XXL Chalupa with Border Salsas>

The lettuce was nice and crunchy and the tomatoes were tasty and fresh. Unfortunately, the red strips were buried between the ground beef and the rest of the toppings, resulting in soggy tortilla that added no flavor to the party. I topped one half of my XXL Chalupa with Fire-Roasted Salsa and the other with Salsa Verde, but we’ll get into those later, as I want them to get their own time in the spotlight. I will say, however, that both worked nicely on the taco.

Overall, I really enjoyed the XXL Chalupa. I challenged myself to finish the whole thing, and much to my disbelief, I actually did it! And then I felt miserable for two hours afterward. And I still have heartburn. I think I covered my second, third, and fourthmeal. But it was worth it! I may have a dainty feminine appetite, but I think even a big guy with a big appetite would feel satisfied with the XXL Chalupa. There’s no actual new ingredients here, but the amount of them in the taco is impressive. You’ll find the contents of a regular taco to be severely anemic after eating the XXL Chalupa. You’ll also need at least two napkins – while the turned up sides do help a little, this is something you certainly wouldn’t want to eat while driving.

Now then, to the Border Salsas!

I have always enjoyed Taco Bell’s Border Sauces. I love condiments in general, (I even had a shirt with a mustard packet on it from the now-defunct Condiment Packet Museum that I wore in public) but for some reason, Border Sauces were always my favorite. Mild, Hot, Fire, it didn’t matter. As a youth, I would just rip them open and empty the entire contents of the packet into my mouth. In hindsight, putting a sauce packet to my lips was not the most sanitary thing in the world, but, considering the strange things I ate as a child, I’ve probably put worse things in my mouth.

No comments from the peanut gallery, please.

So you can see why I was excited when Taco Bell announced two new members of the family, Verde and Fire-Roasted Border Salsas. Note that these are salsas, not sauces. Given, “salsa” is the Spanish word for “sauce,” but I think most Americans associate “salsa” with the chunky dip, which makes me wonder if these new Border Salsas are going to be more chunky than the already existing Border Sauces.

Fire-Roasted Border Salsa

Taco Bell Fire-Roasted Border Salsa

It may be hard to see in the picture, but there are lots of dark flecks in Fire-Roasted Border Salsa. I think those are supposed to represent the char you get when you actually roast tomatoes. I decided it would be a little more hygienic to squirt the salsas onto a plate instead of sucking the condiment straight out of the packet, and it definitely came out thicker than the three existing Border Sauces.

The flavor is surprisingly rich; it’s got a sweet heat that isn’t too spicy but sneaks up on you gradually. I could really taste the underlying tomato flavor, but it wasn’t a cheap tomato-y flavor, like, say, ketchup. The vinegar complemented the rich flavor of the tomatoes. Fire-roasted tomatoes are actually the second ingredient listed, which means that rich flavor is genuine.

I have to say, I was quite pleasantly surprised by Fire-Roasted Border Salsa. The three existing Border Sauces – Mild, Hot and Fire – are pretty much just what they’re called. “Generic hot sauce,” not that I think there’s anything wrong with that. But Fire-Roasted has a real flavor, and while I have never allowed ketchup to enter my home, I wouldn’t mind having a bottle of this around. It would be great on a hot dog. Actually, since I demanded a fistful of each of the new flavors, I could make that dream happen.

I also like the message on the packet – timely!

Verde Border Salsa

Taco Bell Verde Border Salsa

You can see the flecks much more clearly in the Salsa Verde. They could be either green chile pepper or tomatillo, which are the second and third ingredients in this salsa. Again, it came out of the packet thicker than the Border Sauces, and again, it had a depth of flavor that they lack.

The vinegar plays well with the pepper and tomatillo flavors, too. However, unlike Fire-Roasted, Salsa Verde has more of a vinegar twang with the chile pepper for a mild spice, instead of the sweet/spice combination of the Fire-Roasted. The depth of flavor seems to come from the tomatillo, which tastes great, and also has a tartness that works with the vinegar. Interestingly, I have a feeling that many people in this country don’t actually know what a tomatillo tastes like, which may leave them wondering what mysterious flavor is in this salsa. Kudos to Taco Bell for actually introducing people to an authentic Mexican flavor, for once!

Apparently, Taco Bell thinks “Spanish” is a synonym for “fancy.” Those same people who have never eaten a tomatillo are the same people who will think this is true.

All in all, I loved both new Border Salsas and think Taco Bell really outdid themselves. If only they could put forth this kind of effort on all their new menu items. Between these and their Cantina Tacos, they seem to be heading in the right direction.

(Nutrition Facts – XXL Chalupa – 1 taco (266 grams) – 650 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams total of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,300 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of dietary fiber, 6 gram of sugars and 23 grams of protein.)

Other XXL Chalupa reviews:
Does It Hit The Spot
Grub Grade
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Item: Taco Bell XXL Chalupa, Fire-Roasted Border Salsa & Verde Border Salsa
Price: $2.79 for the XXL Chalupa; both Border Salsas free
Size: 1 taco (266 grams); 2 salsa packets
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 8 out of 10 (XXL Chalupa)
Rating: 10 out of 10 (Fire-Roasted Border Salsa)
Rating: 10 out of 10 (Verde Border Salsa)
Pros: XXL Chalupa – Had tons of fillings. Frybread-like shell. Jillian Michaels screaming at a taco. Crisp, fresh toppings. Lots of nacho cheese sauce. The feeling of victory when I conquered the whole thing. Border Salsas – Had lots of flavor depth. Actual fire-roasted tomatoes used in Fire-Roasted. Squirting Taco Bell sauce onto a hot dog. Little char flecks. Verde had great mix of twang and spice. Great tomatillo taste. Taco Bell teaching gringos about tomatillos.
Cons: XXL Chalupa – Sour cream unevenly distributed. Fitting into an XXL shirt if I keep eating them. Can be quite messy. Unfair evisceration. Soggy red tortilla strips. Heartburn. Border Salsas – The fact that I can only get them at Taco Bell and not in gallon jars. Possibility of contracting infectious diseases by sucking on the packets. Gringos thinking “Spanish” and “fancy” mean the same thing. Ketchup.

REVIEW: Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix

Marvo 9 Comments

Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix

The problem with regular flat Wheat Thins are that they aren’t very friendly when it comes to being able to play with them.

All I can do with a square Wheat Thin is use it as a paper football replacement or break one in half and use the two pieces to create buckteeth whenever I want to offend rednecks or upset the entire Japanese population by recreating the offensive stereotype of Japanese people found on U.S. World War II propaganda.

But with the new Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix, I can think of multiple playful possibilities.

Some of the things I can do with the round, three inch long Wheat Thins Crunch Stix include:

1. Playing pick-up sticks.
2. Recreating the Star Wars lightsaber scenes using my now worthless Beanie Babies.
3. Producing an ineffective shiv.
4. Pretending to have walrus tusks.
5. Making any Ken doll anatomically correct.

Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix Closeup

While the Wheat Thins Crunch Stix are much more fun than their flat, square cousins, I can’t say they’re as addictive. Their fire roasted tomato flavor was nice for the first few stix, but, strangely, the flavor disappeared after chain eating about five of them. It was like my tongue got used to its flavor, much like how my nose has gotten used to my own flatulence.

Once the fire roasted tomato flavor disappeared, they tasted like low sodium Wheat Thins, which are decent when I’m trying to prevent hypertension, but aren’t as addictive as regular Wheat Thins. Speaking of wholesome products, these Wheat Thins Crunch Stix brag about having 11 grams of whole grain per serving. But that isn’t really impressive since a bowl of Cookie Crisp has 8 grams.

Overall, the Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix are a mediocre snack. Sure, its shape allows me to stick them in every orifice on my body, but I don’t think they have enough flavor on them to disguise the fact I stuck them in every orifice on my body and placed them back on the party tray I got them from.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 pieces/29 grams – 130 calories, 35 grams of fat, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Round, thin shape makes them great for sticking in every orifice on my body. More fun then regular Wheat Thins. 11 grams of whole grain per serving. Satisfying crunch. Walruses.
Cons: Fire roasted tomato flavor disappears quickly. Not as addictive as regular Wheat Thins. Using regular Wheat Thins to pretend to have buckteeth. Makes a horrible shiv. The value of my Beanie Babies. Hypertension.

REVIEW: Frosted Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts

Marvo 23 Comments

Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts

According to the Kellogg’s Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts box, they have “25% Less Sugar Than Leading Toaster Pastries.” But if I’m not mistaken, aren’t Pop-Tarts the leading toaster pastry?

Or did I get sucked through a wormhole and end up in an alternate universe where Pillsbury Toaster Strudels are the leading toaster pastry and The Situation is a fat nobody from New Jersey who got his nickname because the person who enters the bathroom after him will end up in a bad situation?

Wait, let me tolerate MTV and TMZ to find out if I went through a wormhole.

Nope, still in the same universe where The Situation has six-pack abs, Snookie is still orange, there’s a particular hot tub in New Jersey that surprisingly can transmit STDs and Pop-Tarts are the leading toaster pastry.

But if I were in an alternate universe where Toaster Strudels were the ruling toaster pastry, the statement “25% Less Sugar Than Leading Toaster Pastries” wouldn’t be true, because most Toaster Strudels have nine grams of sugar, while these Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts have 11 grams.

So it seems Kellogg’s is admitting, in a slightly misleading way, that most of their Pop-Tarts are, as Def Leppard likes to say, sticky sweet. But at least these Ice Cream Sandwich Pop-Tarts have 25 percent less sugar than other Pop-Tarts, which have 15-17 grams of sugar. Although unfrosted Pop-Tarts, which I’m surprised still exist, have around 13 grams.

Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts Innards

Twenty-five percent less sugar is fine and dandy, if you’re a mother trying to prevent your child from getting hyper or turning into The Situation from an alternate universe, but having less sugar makes the Ice Cream Sandwich Pop-Tarts the most insipid flavor Kellogg’s has ever offered, and that includes unfrosted Pop-Tarts and Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts.

These Pop-Tarts had the potential to be really good because I loves me some ice cream sandwiches, but the vanilla filling wasn’t filled with vanilla and the chocolate crust was chocolame. I tried them every way possible, as if I broke out the Kama Sutra of Pop-Tarts eating. But no matter how I tried them, they were still disappointing. Maybe if they artificially flavored them a bit more they would be enjoyable, but with the way they are now I’d really like these Ice Cream Sandwich Pop-Tarts to melt away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry/48 grams – 190 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Frosted Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.79
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: 25 percent less sugar than the leading toaster pastry, i.e. Pop-Tarts. Contains vitamins and minerals. Use high fructose corn syrup. Kama Sutra.
Cons: Worst Pop-Tart flavor ever. Vanilla filling wasn’t filled with vanilla. Chocolate crust was chocolame. TMZ. MTV. The water in the Jersey Shore hot tub. Entering the bathroom after The Situation from an alternate universe uses it.

REVIEW: Listerine Zero

Marvo 27 Comments

Listerine Zero

The new Listerine Zero has no alcohol in it, which means it doesn’t have the usual Listerine burn that causes some to curse oral hygiene.

However, I enjoy the burning sensation because if I’m suffering while swishing Listerine for 60 seconds, I can imagine how much pain those millions of germs in my mouth that cause bad breath are experiencing.

All of it warms the cockles of my heart. Their agony is my pleasure.

However, with Listerine Zero I derive a lot less pleasure from killing those millions of germs.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I could hear the screams of the germs or if the germs could beg for their lives or if I could pretend to let the germs go, giving them a false sense of hope and then hunt them down using the RFID chip I would surgically place in them. But as we all know, germs don’t have mouths to scream out of or knees to beg on, and microscopic RFID chips aren’t available yet.

If only I could get my hands on some nanotechnology, then I could have nanorobots, armed with razor sharp arms, gut each and every germ. The nanorobots would also be programmed to take a germ’s skin and wear it.

I guess to get some delight from killing germs with Listerine Zero, I could scrape my tongue and cheek; stick whatever I collect on a microscope slide; place it under a microscope to watch those germs slowly die without a warm, moist environment; and then when they least expect it, place a drop of Listerine Zero on top of them. The mouthwash will kill them instantly and I get to watch their lifeless bodies float on the microscope slide. Rinse and repeat.

But alas, I don’t have access to nanotechnology or a microscope.

The instructions recommend rinsing with Listerine Zero for 30 seconds, which is extremely easy to do, thanks to its pleasant, muted Clean Mint flavor. While there’s still a burning sensation, it’s extremely light. On a burning scale of one to ten, with one being water and ten being original Listerine, the alcohol-less Listerine Zero would be a three or four.

With that very slight burn, I easily drowned the germs in my mouth for three minutes and then got rid of the bodies by spitting them and the murder weapon down the drain. If I had the time and saliva didn’t build up in my mouth, I could’ve kept those germs in a minty purgatory forever.

Listerine Zero did a good job of leaving my mouth feeling minty fresh and killing those germs that cause bad breath. And it did it without making me cry like I usually do with regular Listerine. But it seems the only way for me to get any pleasure from killing the millions of germs in my mouth with Listerine Zero is to swish it in my mouth for more than the recommended 30 seconds, while imagining those germs exploding and rubbing my nipples with the right amount of friction.

Item: Listerine Zero
Price: $4.79
Size: 500 mL
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great for those who cry when using regular Listerine. No alcohol. Less intense. Pleasant, muted minty flavor. Killing millions of germs on contact. The pleasure I get from killing those germs.
Cons: Won’t wake you up in the morning like regular Listerine. Not having access to nanotechnology, RFID chips or a microscope. People with sensitive mouths might still feel it’s too intense. The pleasure I get from killing those germs.

REVIEW: Panda Express Kobari Beef

Marvo 16 Comments

Panda Express Kobari Beef

In the Korean language, I’m pretty sure kobari is a swear word.

Okay, I’m not 100 percent sure. It could just be a completely made up name Panda Express wordsmithed to give to their new Korean Kobari Beef. I’m not Korean, nor do I have a Korean translator handy to ask, but kobari really does sound more like Korean profanity than a Korean dish. According to the internet, which I trust when diagnosing rashes on my body, the words jiral, shibal, poji, gaeseki, kochu and byungsin are all real Korean obscenities.

Don’t you think kobari would fit nicely in that list?

Actually, I have to admit, if those swear words were on a Korean barbeque menu, they would all sound delicious. I would especially want to put some kochu in my mouth to go with a bibimbap. As for kobari, I still think it sounds like a swear word.

And if it’s not, I think we should all start using it like one. But I’m not sure what it should mean because after doing Korean profanity research, they appear to have words for all the common swear words that English speakers have. So it’s going to have to be an uncommon English swear word.

Personally, I think it should mean taint licker, i.e. a level above brown nosing.

For example: Man, Bob wants that raise so badly that he’s being a total kobari!

Well, until kobari is added to Urban Dictionary, I guess for now it will be the name of Panda Express’ Kobari Beef, which is made up of thin slices of marinated beef with wok-seared bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and leeks and tossed with a sweet, smoky and spicy Kobari sauce.

While the previous sentence makes Kobari Beef sound delicious, I have to say that it’s quite possibly the most boring and blandish non-starch item I’ve ever eaten at Panda Express. I don’t have a beef with most of the ingredients, but I think the Kobari sauce is the cause of this dish’s lack of flavor. While it’s sweet, smoky and spicy, it’s also not a very strong sauce. It’s what makes Kobari Beef The English Patient of Panda Express dishes, and I’m surprised I didn’t fall asleep while eating it.

When I heard Panda Express was doing a Korean dish, it seems a bit odd to me because if you ask some people, they’ll say Panda Express doesn’t even do Chinese very well. But I’m a Panda Express fan and there is a very short list of their dishes that I won’t eat, most of which include shrimp, which I am allergic to. However, that list got a little longer because of Kobari Beef.

While I may not enjoy it, others probably will and if Kobari Beef becomes successful, it could encourage Panda Express to create menu items from other Asian cuisines and give them names that sound like profanity from their respective languages.

(Nutrition Facts – 5.3 ounces – 210 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 840 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 15 grams of protein.)

Item: Panda Express Kobari Beef
Price: $6.50 (2 choice plate)
Size: 5.3 ounces
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Uses leeks. Wide variety of vegetables used. Other Panda Express choices. Decent calorie count. Good source of protein. Knowing how to swear in other languages. Putting some kochu in my mouth.
Cons: The English Patient of Panda Express dishes. Boring and bland. Weak sauce. Not having a Korean translator handy. Awesome source of sodium. Kobari sounds like a Korean swear word.