REVIEW: SPAM Hot Dogs

Marvo 36 Comments

I find SPAM Hot Dogs to be intriguing and, at the same time, somewhat disgusting, like watching two animals getting it on at the zoo.

It’s fascinating because despite the fact that SPAM is something that is looked down upon by as many people in this country as the folks who believe Daisy from VH1’s Daisy of Love is a complete skank, Hormel felt the need to create a hot dog-shaped version of their product. But I think a wiener-shaped version of SPAM would only be loved by canned meat fanboys, Hawaii residents, and Daisy from Daisy of Love, because judging by the contestants on her show, she apparently has a thing for made up pieces of meat that look like dicks.

The SPAM Hot Dogs are also somewhat revolting because they look like what I imagine 8 year old boys who visit Michael Jackson get to see. I would show you a picture of it in all of its pinkish glory, but I think the previous sentence set it up so that if you were to see it, you would probably expel something from your mouth and I’m pretty sure getting puke out of your keyboard is something very difficult to do.

While this molded meat product isn’t pretty to look at, neither is the ingredients list, which is made up of: pork, mechanically separated chicken, water, modified potato starch, salt, potassium lactate, sugar, sodium diacetate, sodium ascorbate and sodium nitrate.

The packaging recommends they be either pan fried or grilled until hot. Since Smokey the Bear is sitting in an unmarked van across the street making sure I don’t have any incinerating devices, I’m not able to grill the SPAM Hot Dogs. Pan frying did help a little with the sickly pink color of the product, turning it a little browner. Measuring 4.75 inches long and three-fourths of an inch in diameter, they don’t quite fit in normal hot dogs buns from end to end, just like most hot dogs. But unlike most other hot dogs, they come eight to a pack, which negates the usual “too many hot dogs, not enough hot dog buns, use extra hot dogs as fake walrus teeth” dilemma.

If you care for the salty, WTF taste of SPAM, like I do, you will probably enjoy the SPAM Hot Dogs. Although, I think the SPAM flavor isn’t as strong as the stuff that comes out of the rectangular can. The addition of mustard and ketchup with the bun complimented the wiener quite well, which, at first, I didn’t think would work. However, if you don’t enjoy the canned meat known as SPAM, be glad because one SPAM Hot Dog contains almost 25 percent of your daily recommended intake of saturated fat, which means this shit is not good for you.

But if you do enjoy SPAM, you’ll like these conveniently shaped hot dogs, which allows you to easily consume them at a barbeque or at the zoo while watching two rhinos go at it, because if you can handle SPAM, you can probably handle the sight of that as well.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 hot dog – 130 calories, 12 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 330 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 10% vitamin C and 2% iron.)

Item: SPAM Hot Dogs
Price: $3.99
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good if you like the salty, WTF taste of SPAM. Comes in a pack of eight, which is a perfect match for the number of hot dog buns per pack. Ketchup and mustard with a bun compliments the wiener well. Watching two animals getting it on at the zoo.
Cons: Bad if you don’t like SPAM. SPAM flavor doesn’t seem as strong as stuff that comes in a can. Not pretty to look at, if you have Jacko’s wiener in your head. One hot dog contains 25% of saturated fat. Sodium nitrate. Giving Daisy her own show. Watching two animals getting it on at the zoo.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I’m Bringing Pepsi Back. Them Other Boys Don’t Know How To Act. You Might Be Special, What’s Behind Your Back? So Turn Around, It Could Be A Pepsi Prize Pack.

Marvo 264 Comments

Right now, Pepsi and Mountain Dew are taking a nostalgic trip back in time by offering a special retro formula of their popular beverages sweetened with natural sugar, just as they were back in the ‘60s and ‘70s, giving fans literally a taste of the past. The Impulsive Buy reviewed the Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback last month. They have been available since April 20th and will only be around for 8 weeks in 20-oz retro designed single-serve bottles and 12-pack cans.

Thanks to the groovy folks at Pepsi, The Impulsive Buy is giving away a Throwback Prize Pack to one lucky Impulsive Buy reader via a prize drawing. The prize pack is valued at $150 and contains the following items:

A Pepsi Throwback Trucker Cap
A Retro Tin Lunch Box
A Retro Clock Radio/CD Player
A USB Lava Lamp
Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback

To enter this prize drawing, leave a comment with THIS post. Your comment MUST contain either a trend, food, beverage, television show or whatever else you would like to see brought back.

Please don’t forget to fill out the email field. TIB will stop accepting entries on Saturday, May 16, 2009 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person and it’s only open to those 18 years old or older in the United States and at U.S. Military APOs. (I’m sorry to everyone else, but keep your eyes open for another prize drawing that will include everyone.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails containing gibberish. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you an application to upgrade your AAA membership. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or your inability to bring sexy back.

REVIEW: Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar

Marvo 19 Comments

All right. Let’s get it out of the bloody way.

Nuts. Balls. Nads. Gonads. Cojones. Testes. Testicles. Bollocks. Knap sack. Hacky Sack. Nards. Scrotum. Plums. Eggs. Family Jewels. Nutsack. Benjamins. Crown Jewels. Pouch. Junk. The Twins. Nuggets. Dragonballs. Man-Berries. Stones. Boys. Bag. Rocks. Nackers. Hairy Acorns. Biscuits.

Left and Right Man Brains. Acorns. Jay Leno’s Chin. Apples. Punching Bags. Apricots. Bags. Jizz Generators. Bangers. Beans. Bean Bags. Bozack. Chicken Nuggets. Chin Ornaments. The Rocky Mountains. Chin Rests. Flesh Balloons. Giggle Berries.

Uranus’ Moons. Goolies. My Guys. Ala-Alas (Hawaii Pidgin). Hairy Danglers. Huevos. Jawbreakers. Sperm Spitters. Klackers. Knackers. Loins. Love Spuds. Man Ovaries. Marbles. Nadgers. Pebbles. Ping and Pong. Potatoes. Hell’s Bells.

Yams. Yarbles. Double Cocoons. Bits and Bytes. Boulders. Kintama (Japanese). Love Sack. Fleshy Christmas Ornaments. Right Nut/Left Nut. Love Bugs. Eier (German). Cherries. Man Purse. Grapes. Peaches. Gamete Givers. Juicy Fruits.

It’s hard to do an Impulsive Buy review about a product called the Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar without trying to weave every conceivable term for testicles in between words, sentences and paragraphs, like I’m trying to construct a quilt of synonyms. But just like building a quilt, intertwining testicle terms into a testimonial takes time, patience and the mind of a 15-year-old boy, all of which I no longer have. Instead, I combined the nut names into chewable bars, much like Planters did with the honey roasted peanuts, almonds, cashews and granola in their Triple Nut Big Nut Bar.

The nuts themselves aren’t bigger, just the bar itself, which the packaging claims to be 30% bigger than the leading nut and granola bar. Although it’s a chewy granola bar, I didn’t notice any granola while eating it. All I could taste were nuts in my mouth. But despite having almonds and cashews, all I could taste were the honey roasted peanuts, which bothered me.

Overall, the Triple Nut Big Nut Bar combines sweet and salty nicely and tastes good, if you really like peanuts.

Speaking of salty, here are more testicle terms for you to enjoy.

Fraggle Rocks. The Sag Bag. Grape Nuts. Baggy Sac. Fuzznugs. The Testis Twins. The OO in Tool. The House and Senate. Spunk Pumps. Taters. Teabags. Low Hanging Hairy Fruit. Underwear Monkeys. Coin Purse. The Eyes of the Taint.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 220 calories, 12 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 6 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 110% vitamin E and 10% phosphorus.)

(Thanks to Twitter pals twobeerqueers, popstat, hexopod, OffHerCork, cheaplander, jen14221 and kembree for adding to the list of testicle names.)

Item: Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar
Price: FREE ($2.99 retail price for a 5-pack)
Size: 1.62 ounces
Purchased at: Given by Planters
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Combines sweet and salty nicely. Chewy. High in polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. If you love peanuts, you’ll like this. Awesome source of vitamin E, whatever it does. Coming up with terms for testicles.
Cons: Can’t really taste the almonds and cashews. Didn’t notice the granola. Taking the time to construct a quilt of synonyms. The vast number of slang for testicles.

NEWS: Dreyer’s Slow Churned Snack Size Cups Tries To Make Break Ups Less Fattening

Marvo 19 Comments

I don’t know if what I see on television is true in real life, but it seems like whenever a female character gets dumped by her boyfriend, the following scene is of her eating ice cream straight from the pint container. Because of this, whenever I’ve been dumped by a woman (and you know who you are), I usually slam down a pint of ice cream, which makes me feel good while I’m eating it, but will later pay for it later in the form of five pounds added to my gut.

The problem with eating ice cream straight from the container is that it’s hard to stop while thinking about all the wonderful times I spent with my former significant other while watching reruns of Law & Order. Before I knew it and before Briscoe was able to get a search warrant, I finished the entire pint. Thankfully, the Dreyer’s Slow Churned Snack Size Cups will help curb the gluttony.

Instead of a pint of ice cream, each snack size cup only contains six ounces. But it’s not six ounces of regular Dreyer’s ice cream, it’s six ounces of their Slow Churned ice cream which has half the fat of their regular stuff. It comes only in three flavors: Mint Chocolate Chip, Chocolate and Vanilla Bean.

A container of the Vanilla Bean has 150 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 17 grams of sugar and 4 grams of protein. The Chocolate contains 170 calories, 6 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 20 grams of sugar and 5 grams of protein. The Mint Chocolate Chip has 210 calories, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 21 grams of sugar and 5 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Jif Natural Peanut Butter

Marvo 17 Comments

Jif Natural is the lambskin condom of big brand peanut butter because they’re both made from natural ingredients and both feel great on my skin. While lambskin condoms are made from lamb intestines, Jif Natural Peanut Butter consists of just five simple ingredients: roasted peanuts, sugar, palm oil, salt and molasses.

Being made from natural ingredients also gives each of these products particular characteristics not found in non-natural versions. Lambskin condoms, while good at preventing baby batter from sticking to the egg in the pan, are not very good at preventing the transmission of STDs because lamb intestine is porous enough to let bacteria and viruses through.

Jif Natural has a consistency that is really easy to spread, like melted regular peanut butter on a fresh piece of toast. Or in German it can be best described as über creamy. Or in formal Japanese it would be known as totemo kurimi. Or in energy drink marketing speak it would be xtremy creamy.

If you’ve ever purchased all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods stores that sells a lot of hemp and soy products, you probably know about the separation of the oil and peanuts after you open the jar, forcing you to stir it to mix the two. This can be a pain in the ass if you’re extremely lazy and don’t like an extra step between opening the jar and shoveling a spoonful of peanut butter into your mouth. Fortunately, there’s no need to stir with the Jif Natural Peanut Butter, so it can go straight into your mouth and then straight to your gut, or if you’re a woman, straight to your hips and thighs, which causes you to consider purchasing the Kymora Body Shaper.

The Jif Natural Peanut Butter may not have a thick layer of oil on top after you open it, but it does have a very a thin layer of palm oil, which gives it a glossy shine. Regular peanut butter tends to have more of a matte finish. The look of Jif Natural Peanut Butter is not the only thing that shines, so does its flavor. I think it has a stronger nutty flavor than regular peanut butter, and I now I don’t feel like using the six pounds of Skippy Peanut Butter I bought from Costco.

While it may be natural, it isn’t necessarily healthier than regular peanut butter because it has the same amounts of saturated fat and sugar. It does, though, have half the sodium than regular Jif peanut butter. Also, natural peanut butter tends to be more expensive than their normal counterparts, but Jif Natural is about the same price as regular peanut butter.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for condoms made from lamb intestines.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 tbsp – 190 calories, 16 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 4% iron, 10% vitamin E, 2% riboflavin and 20% niacin.)

(Note: We Rate Stuff also reviewed it.)

(Update: TIB reader Anna points out that this product is a peanut butter spread and not peanut butter because it contains 10% of non-peanut ingredients, which it clearly states on the bottle. I am blind.)

(Update #2: After having the Jif Natural Peanut Butter around for a while, I found that it has a tendency to clump together, which is frickin’ weird. I’ve knocked the rating down a point because of this.)

Item: Jif Natural Peanut Butter
Price: $3.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great nutty flavor. Only five ingredients. No need to stir. Easy to spread. 50% less sodium than regular peanut butter. Same price as regular peanut butter. Feels good on my skin. Condoms.
Cons: Same amounts of saturated fat and sugar as regular peanut butter. Will eventually start clumping. Glossy look may seem weird. Having to stir all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods store. The cost of lambskin condoms. Lambskin condoms don’t prevent the spread of STDs.