REVIEW: BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich

Marvo 18 Comments

The new BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich has so much pork, in the forms of sliced ham and bacon, that if one were to put a white gown on it, a blonde wig on top of it and somehow make it say moi, Kermit the Frog would fall in love with it.

However, the most interesting ingredient found in this breakfast sandwich are the two slices of tomatoes. I don’t know about you, but it feels a little weird to be eating vegetables in the morning. I think they do it on a regular basis in some European countries, but I’m too lazy to Google it to see if it’s true. I guess I’m just used to fast food breakfast sandwiches only having filling that was either slaughtered or comes from the poop hole of a chicken.

Along with the ham, bacon and tomatoes, the BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich also comes with cheese, a layer of scrambled eggs and a smoky tomato sauce in between a rectangular whole grain ciabatta bun. Wait…tomatoes AND a whole grain bun? Those ingredients almost make it sound kind of healthy and makes me think I won’t need a Zumba workout to burn it off.

Unfortunately, it contains 23 grams of fat and seven grams of saturated fat so I’m still going to need the workout sensation that’s sweeping the nation — Zumba!

The sandwich is a decent size and is as heavy as Burger King’s Sausage, Egg & Cheese Croissan’wich. The slightly stiff crust of the ciabatta bread makes it quite sturdy and helps prevent ingredients from falling out of the sandwich. If only celebrity dress were made out of the same stuff, then maybe The Superficial would have less nip slip photos.

Oh wait, that would be a bad thing.

While the ciabatta bun is nice, what really makes this sandwich are the tomatoes and the sauce. They give the sandwich a nice flavor that compliments well with the ham, cheese, egg and bread. What about the bacon? Well, the typical flavorless BK bacon doesn’t contribute anything, which makes it seem unnecessary, like news anchor banter in between stories. But the ham definitely makes up for the bacon.

Overall, I really enjoyed the BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich. It’s not your typical egg, meat, cheese and bread breakfast sandwich, thanks to the addition of something simple — a couple slices of tomatoes. At first, I thought having vegetables for breakfast sounded weird, but now that I think about it, it doesn’t sound too crazy at all since I already eat cereal for dinner.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 480 calories, 23 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 210 milligrams of cholesterol, 1270 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar and 24 grams of protein.)

Item: BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich
Price: $5.19 (small combo)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty sandwich, thanks to the tomatoes and sauce. Decent amount of ham. Eating cereal for dinner. Sturdy ciabatta bun. Bun made from whole grains. Zumba! Nip slip photos.
Cons: BK Bacon is useless and a poor excuse for bacon. Eating tomatoes in the morning might seem weird. Despite tomatoes and whole grain bun, it has typical fast food nutritional facts. Finding out chickens poop and lay eggs from the same hole.

REVIEW: Yoplait Splitz Rainbow Sherbet Low Fat Yogurt

Kelley 20 Comments

Recently, my TIB boss expressed some concern regarding my arteries and the amount of insanely unhealthy food I eat and review. (I guess he thinks I actually eat healthy food when I’m not doing a review. Ha!)

Assuming he doesn’t want my untimely death on his conscience, I decided to pick up a pack of new Yoplait Splitz low fat yogurt. I chose Rainbow Sherbet, but there’s also Strawberry Sundae and Strawberry Banana Split to choose from. They’re obviously going for a nice “day at the ice cream store” theme, which I approve of wholeheartedly. I chose Rainbow Sherbet for two reasons:

1. I love sherbet, and I used to torture my family every birthday by demanding a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake with white cake and raspberry sherbet. I loved watching them all trying to pretend they enjoyed it, when I knew they were secretly cursing my birth and wishing I had just asked for a chocolate cake like a normal human being.

2. For the first, oh, 22 years of my life, I thought sherbet was spelled and pronounced “sherbert,” and I enjoy sharing embarrassing details like this about myself on the Internet.

I think Marvo will be pleased (and relieved) at my review product choice. It says right on the front of the package that it’s a good source of calcium and vitamin D, plus it has no artificial flavors or sweeteners AND no high fructose corn syrup! With only 90 calories and 1 gram of fat per cup, I don’t think I’ll be keeling over after eating this yogurt. As a matter of fact, it’s probably the healthiest thing I’ll eat all day.

You also may be tickled to know that Yoplait Splitz Rainbow Sherbet meets National Yogurt Association criteria for live and active culture yogurt. I like my yogurt’s culture live, active, and certified by an official-sounding organization. Nothing but the best for this reviewer.

It’s nice to know that there’s no artificial flavors, but I would like to know what the flavors in my Rainbow Sherbet yogurt actually are. If I remember correctly from my “sherbert”-eating days, rainbow sherbet usually contains raspberry and orange flavors, so that’s what I’m expecting here. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out to be strawberry, because hey, they’ve already got that flavor laying around from the other two flavors of Splitz. I will reserve my right to call Yoplait a bunch of lazy fucks until after I’ve tried it.

I find the idea of orange yogurt a little odd, but considering Yoplait already puts out flavors like Apple Turnover, Black Forest Cake and (oh!) Orange Crème, I shouldn’t be surprised. I remember as a kid having choices like “strawberry on the bottom” and “blueberry on the bottom” and, if I was lucky, “lemon.” Yogurt flavors, much like smart phone technology, have blown past me, leaving me shaking my cane at the diary section and yelling at Crème Caramel to get off my lawn.

Despite my geriatric yogurt palate, I actually liked the orange layer in Splitz Rainbow Sherbet. I attribute this to the fact that it actually tastes like orange sherbet. The orange flavor is strong but not overwhelming, and it’s sweet without being too sweet. You can definitely tell that it’s not loaded with artificial sweeteners because there’s no funky aftertaste. I think yogurt really lends itself to making sherbet-related flavors because both have that bit of tartness that cuts through the sweet, too.

Orange is okay, but, just like when I ate real rainbow sherbet, I was just plowing through it to get to the raspberry layer. As you can see by the picture, the raspberry on the bottom takes up more room than the orange on top, which is just fine by me. And yes, after careful consideration, I have decided that it is, indeed, raspberry, unless the natural tartness of the yogurt is being deceptive. Like the orange layer, the raspberry also brings the sherbet flavor in yogurt form. There’s a reason why yogurt used to be mostly berry-based flavors – they just seem to play well together, and this is no exception. I love me some raspberries, and while Splitz doesn’t exactly emulate the real thing, it comes close enough to satisfy.

All in all, the yogurt is smooth and creamy, and the flavors are robust without being overpowering. I usually prefer salty snacks over sweet, but the use of sugar as opposed to high fructose corn syrup or other artificial sweeteners gives Yoplait Splitz Rainbow Sherbet a clean sweetness, which was helped out by the tartness of the yogurt. I thought it really did capture the flavors of rainbow sherbet, but to be honest, yogurt has a lot of the same flavor profiles as sherbet, so it wasn’t that hard for Yoplait to skip from point A to point B.

I honestly had a hard time coming up with any complaints about this product, but I managed to find a few. First of all, the cup is a little undersized. At 3.25 ounces per cup, Splitz are almost half the size of a normal Yoplait container of yogurt, which weighs in at 6 ounces. There are more fingers on my hand than spoonfuls of yogurt in the cup.

Second, I decided to try it frozen. The front of the package commanded me to do so, and I always obey the demands of food packaging. After a good overnight freeze, I pulled it out and found it to be rock hard. I expected it to have the consistency of regular frozen yogurt, but it was trying to bend my spoon like it was Neo in The Matrix. Before my silverware became nothing more than a prop for my Strongest Woman Alive performance (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at the National Comedy Theatre; no cover for the ladies after 10pm!), I let it thaw in the fridge, and by that I mean I put it in the fridge and forgot about it for six hours. Even after all that time, it was still pretty frozen, but I was able to pry out decent-sized spoonfuls.

My main problem with the frozen product was the texture. It did have a nice, ice crystal-like consistency similar to that of sherbet when it hit my tongue. However, unlike sherbet, which quickly melts into a flavorful liquid, the yogurt immediately went from sherbet mimic to regular, creamy yogurt. The transition was a bit unsettling. The flavors were still good, but I’m not used to food doing a phone booth texture change right inside my mouth. It was disappointing.

While it would be nice to have two great snack products in one cup, at least regular, refrigerated Yoplait Splitz Rainbow Sherbet is a small but tasty (and nutritious!) treat.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container (3.25 ounces), 90 calories, 5 calories from fat, 1 gram of total fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, , 140 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of total carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugars, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 10% vitamin D and 10% phosphorus.)

Item: Yoplait Splitz Rainbow Sherbet Low Fat Yogurt
Price: $1.99 (on sale; normally $3.49)
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Yogurt conveyed sherbet flavor. Use of real sugar instead of HFCS or artificial sweeteners. Actually reviewing something healthy. Torturing family members. Flavors were tasty and distinct without being overpowering. My Strongest Woman Alive show.
Cons: Frozen product was texturally uncomfortable. “Sherbert.” Serving size is very small. Being out-of-date with yogurt flavors. Both Matrix sequels.

REVIEW: Jimmy Dean Jimmy D’s French Toast Griddlers

Marvo 12 Comments

Jimmy Dean describes their Jimmy D’s breakfast entrees, which consist of french toast sticks with sausage, something that looks like a corn dog and these French Toast Griddlers, as “Satisfying, hearty breakfast to help kids do their best.”

Really?

I thought threats of taking away their Xbox 360; punishment in the form of them having to put on a clown costume and entertain the rest of the family; and using toys, candy and cold hard cash as bribes were the only ways to help kids do their best.

If all it takes is a microwaveable breakfast sandwich made from cinnamon glazed french toast and a Jimmy Dean turkey sausage patty to help children achieve their goals, then I’ve got parenting down pat. Bring on the women who wish to bear my children and I shall provide them with an ample supply of Jimmy D’s products and a standalone freezer.

If I fed my future illegitimate children these Jimmy D’s French Toast Griddlers and they helped my children do their best, I can imagine how successful they’ll become. With my genes, I’m sure they’ll accomplish amazing things, like become Walmart greeters, carnival game attendants, unemployed writers or repressive dictators of uninhabited islands.

Like the use of comic book fonts on the packaging, it appears Jimmy Dean used turkey sausage, instead of pork sausage, in their French Toast Griddlers for the children, who probably don’t need to consume twice the fat and saturated fat the pork sausages would’ve provided. But even if the sausages were made out of pork, the children probably wouldn’t notice as they stuff it down their gullets as they get ready for school to be the best that they can be.

Most children would probably enjoy the sweet and salty combination of the cinnamon flavored French toast with the turkey sausage. It’s like a poor child’s McDonald’s McGriddle. It’s also a healthier child’s McDonald’s McGriddle, since it has three times less fat, saturated fat, sodium and sugar than a Sausage McGriddle.

However, I’m not a child, I’m just a man who watches Ni Hao, Kai-Lan on Nick Jr. to help me start conversations with the workers at the Chinese restaurants and shady places I frequent, and I think the French Toast Griddlers are bland. The turkey sausage doesn’t have the same quality flavor and spice as Jimmy Dean’s pork sausage and the cinnamon glaze on the French toast isn’t pronounced.

The sausage patty is slightly smaller than the French toast buns and both are easy to bite through after being microwaved for 85 seconds. There’s also an egginess to the French toast, which makes me wish there was also a layer of scrambled eggs in this sandwich.

If Jimmy Dean wanted to make their French Toast Griddlers better, they could use Jimmy Dean’s flavorful pork sausage and, perhaps, sweeten the French toast with syrup, but, of course, adding all of that would create a satisfying, hearty breakfast to help kids do their best…to get fat.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich/102 g – 210 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 2% calcium and 10% iron.)

*contains interesterified soybean oil and hydrogenated soybean oil

Item: Jimmy Dean Jimmy D’s French Toast Griddlers
Price: $7.49
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Individually wrapped. Ready in 85 seconds. Uses healthier turkey sausage. Eight grams of protein. Helps kids do their best. Learning Chinese via Ni Hao, Kai-Lan.
Cons: Bland. Turkey sausage is less flavorful than Jimmy Dean’s pork sausage. Cinnamon flavor is too light. My future illegitimate children becoming Walmart greeters, carnival game attendants, unemployed writers or repressive dictators of uninhabited islands.

APOLOGY: Because I Didn’t Know Moving 10 Years of Crap Would Take So Much Time

Marvo 13 Comments

I’d like to apologize for the lack of posts this week. I’m currently moving to a new place and I didn’t realize how difficult and time consuming it is to move the 10 years worth of crap I’ve accumulated, which includes 35 USB cables, 100 pounds of books I haven’t read, two printers, a dead PowerMac G4 with 17 inch monitor (which I swear I’ll revive one day), kanji practice worksheets from college, half a dozen hard drives that are less than 250 GB (which sounds like I have a lot of porn, but surprisingly they don’t contain any, because my porn is stored on a 2 TB drive), several pairs of jeans that don’t fit anymore, a lot of magazines with Tiger Woods on the cover and a comfort wipe.

I’ve moved over 95 percent of my stuff and will bring the last 5 percent to the new place by tomorrow, so expect a bukkake of reviews next week.