Hey ladies! Nestle wants to make “warm chocolatey memories” with you. How do I know? Because they say so on every envelope of their Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix.

Ha! I laugh at Nestle’s poor attempt to make warm chocolatey memories with women.

Do you women want warm chocolatey memories that you’ll never forget? Well just stick of bottle of chocolate syrup into the microwave for 30 seconds, grab a Costco-sized bag of mini marshmallows, tear open a box of graham crackers and get ready to turn my body into human s’mores.

Oh wait. Did I say warm chocolatey memories that you’ll never forget?

I meant to say warm chocolatey memories that will forever be etched into your brain and haunt you every time your eyelids close, like a hairy, chocolate-covered Freddy Krueger. Now that I’ve got that image in your head, ladies, perhaps to cope you should cuddle with a mug of Nestle Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa, a women’s magazine and watch The Notebook.

Or guzzle a bottle of tequila.

The Nestle Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix is like a women’s multivitamin, except in liquid chocolatey form, which makes it easier to swallow than a multivitamin. It contains 25 percent of a woman’s recommended daily intake of vitamin A, vitamin E, vitamin B12 and vitamin B6; 30 percent of vitamin C and iron; and 35 percent calcium. It’s also 99.9 percent caffeine free, which is disappointing if someone was looking for a quick pick-me-up. Although if one were to add a bit of Kahlua, it could turn into a quick pick-me-up, which I like to call Wild Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa.

Without alcohol, the Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa pretty much has the same pleasant chocolatey flavor as regular Nestle Hot Cocoa, although I think it might be slightly creamier. I also whipped up a serving using vanilla soy milk, which made it taste significantly better. The six-ounce serving each envelope makes is awfully small, but it’s a common serving size when it comes to hot cocoa mixes.

Because the Nestle Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix is made for women, I expected it to make me cry like The Notebook does when Allie remembers who Noah is one last time and they pass away together in her bed holding hands. But, thankfully, it didn’t.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 envelope – 80 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 25% vitamin A, 35% calcium, 25% vitamin E, 25% vitamin B12, 30% vitamin C, 30% iron and 25% vitamin B6.)

*uses partially hydrogenated coconut or palm oil

Item: Nestle Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 8 envelopes
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant chocolatey flavor. Nice amounts of vitamins and minerals that women need. Easier to swallow than a multivitamin. Wild Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa. Allie and Noah being together forever.
Cons: Small six ounce serving size. 99.9 percent caffeine free. Doesn’t create warm chocolatey memories. Contains less than 0.5 grams of trans fat. The image of my body covered in chocolate sauce, mini marshmallows and graham crackers.

Suck it, Joey Chestnut!

I just downed four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes. Sure, you’ve gobbled 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes, swallowed 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes, consumed 6.3 pounds of asparagus in 11.5 minutes, chugged a gallon of milk in 41 seconds, and scarfed down 10.5 pounds of macaroni and cheese in seven minutes, but I’m pretty sure you’ve ingested zero Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes, so I’m totally kicking your ass right now.

Actually, I probably hold the world record in the number Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles consumed in 45 minutes. I haven’t heard of anyone else accomplishing what I did. Originally, I only did it because on the product’s packaging there are four ways to prepare the Snack’n Waffles — microwave, thaw and serve, toaster and conventional oven — and I wanted to try them all. But after I was done with the last one, I realized that I might’ve accomplished something that has never been done before. So I searched the internet and found out that no one else did it, including you.

But you did once inhale 103 Krystal sliders in 8 minutes and 9.8 pounds of pork rib meat in 12 minutes.

When you do attempt to beat my world record of four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes, which you won’t beat, might I suggest preparing them in the microwave so that you don’t have to wait very long to taste something sweet before you taste the bitterness of defeat and your sour tears from failure.

I would also suggest having a lot of napkins around because these mini Belgian Waffle-looking snacks are messy thanks to the real chocolate chips in them, which seem to melt at room temperature. Each Snack’n Waffle has 16 grams of whole grains, but you probably won’t notice because the chocolate chips and presweetened waffle pretty much hides that fact from your taste buds.

Yes, they are a bit sweet, but I think they’re quite good.

However, not everything about them is so sweet. They don’t taste as good out of the toaster. Even though it warms the Snack’n Waffles up and makes them crispy, it’s like the toaster burned away some of the chocolate flavor. But they do taste fine after either sticking them in a conventional oven for 5-7 minutes or letting them thaw for 30 minutes.

Also, their density doesn’t remind me of regular waffles, instead they feel a lot like the sponge I use to wash my dishes every two weeks or when the roaches start living in my sink. So maybe you’ll have to employ the Takeru Kobayashi technique of dipping them into water so that they’re easier to eat when you’re trying to beat my world record of eating four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes.

Bring it, Joey Chestnut!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle (2 ounces) – 220 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 2% calcium and 4% iron.)

*uses fully hydrogenated cottonseed oil

Item: Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 4 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Quite good. Individually wrapped. Don’t need to add syrup. My world record of eating four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes. Has 16 grams of whole grains. Watching someone eat 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes and consume 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes.
Cons: Might be too sweet for some. It feels like I’m eating my dishwashing sponge. Hella messy. Doesn’t taste as good out of the toaster. Being in the same public restroom as someone who has just eaten either 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes or 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes.