REVIEW: Red Baron Supreme Pizza By The Slice

Somewhere out there someone is warming up the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice in the microwave and while watching it rotate to pass the time they think to themselves that the product is a metaphor for their forlorn life. And that person could possibly be the loneliest person in the world.

Who is the loneliest person in the world?

The loneliest person in the world wants a cat. Or maybe two cats. Or three. Or whatever the number of cats the Humane Society allows them to adopt. Or whatever the loneliest person in the world can fit in their studio apartment. However, the loneliest person in the world doesn’t want to be known in their apartment complex as “the cat person” who has a machine gun bunker’s worth of kitty litter bags stacked in their apartment. Fortunately for the loneliest person in the world, their landlord has prevented “the cat person” label from being affixed to them by neighbors because pets aren’t allowed in the building.

The loneliest person in the world chooses to work in the exciting 10-keyed realm of data entry because it’s the Solitare of the employment world. It’s one of the few things the loneliest person in the world excels at. The loneliest person in the world is amazingly accurate and has never made a mistake, but double checks their work because the company’s standard operating procedures say so. Even more impressive is the fact that the loneliest person in the world is ambidextrous when in comes to punching numeric keys in a robotic fashion. The loneliest person in the world wonders why there is so much interest surrounding the world’s fastest phone texter. The loneliest person in the world believes they would type circles around the world’s fastest texter, if the loneliest person in the world had a cell phone, which they have no need for since no one calls them.

You would think the loneliest person in the world would have some friends at work, but due to poor social skills caused by an extremely sheltered childhood, the loneliest person in the world doesn’t interact with co-workers, but does acknowledge their greetings with smiles and nods. The loneliest person in the world doesn’t have anything in common with fellow employees. The loneliest person in the world doesn’t think anyone in the office is into hobbies that the loneliest person in the world enjoys, like medieval horseback archery, duct tape art and egg shell carving.

So the loneliest person in the world sits alone in the corner of the office’s break room, eating the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice, which is perfect for the loneliest person in the world since they have no friends to share the other slices with if they had a whole pizza. The loneliest person in the world wishes that it didn’t take so long to prepare, which included microwaving it for 60 seconds on the edge of the microwave oven’s turntable, then 70-85 seconds in the middle of the turntable and then, if the cheese isn’t completely melted, continue cooking in 15 second intervals. The loneliest person in the world has to microwave it an extra 90 seconds to get the cheese completely melted. Although it’s no problem for a data entry expert to press the numbers one and five repeatedly on any kind of keypad, the loneliest person in the world wishes they didn’t have to do so during a lunch break.

Although the life of the loneliest person in the world isn’t very exciting, it’s much more exciting than the flavor of the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice. While the packaging brags about the fact that the two pizza slices included were “fire baked,” I wonder why that matters much since it’s going to be put through a microwave for more than two minutes. Sadly, during those two minutes, the “special crisping tray” doesn’t do a good job of crisping the crust. The amount of toppings on each slice was sad compared with what’s on the front of the box. Perhaps if each pizza slice had a decent amount of sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers and onions, it would’ve tasted better because it’s not a very flavorful pizza. Not even the sauce could save it because it was neither spicy or sweet.

If I were the loneliest person in the world, I’d avoid the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice. Although, since the pizza is kind of sad and pathetic, perhaps it would make the loneliest person in the world feel better.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 350 calories, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 910 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 15 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 25% calcium 4% vitamin C and 15% iron.)

*made with fully hydrogenated oil

Item: Red Baron Supreme Pizza By The Slice
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 2 slices
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Microwaveable. Comes with two slices. Being really good a data entry. Made with real cheese. Good source of calcium.
Cons: Tolerable pizza. Not very flavorful. Difficult to make cheese melt completely. Not a lot of toppings. Special crisping tray kind of sucks. Awesome source of sodium. Not being able to have pets.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Angus Snack Wraps (Mushroom & Swiss, Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese)

If you’re expecting the new McDonald’s Angus Snack Wraps to taste exactly like their bigger brothers, you should know that, just like Owen Wilson’s nose alignment, they’re slightly off. This can be attributed to the use of a soft tortilla instead of a bun. But the folks at McDonald’s have captured almost all of the great taste of their Angus Third Pounder Burgers with these burrito-ized versions of them.

The Angus Snack Wraps come in the same three varieties as their bigger brethren: Mushroom & Swiss, Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese. All of them come wrapped in a soft tortilla and with half of an Angus third-pound patty, which, if my math is correct, equals more meat than what’s attached to the bones of a waif supermodel or more meat than the amount a waif supermodel has eaten in past six months.

The Deluxe also comes with half of a tomato slice, a leaf of lettuce, red onions, pickle slices, American cheese, mayo and mustard. The Bacon & Cheese is also made up of red onions, pickle slices, a strip of bacon, American Cheese, ketchup and mustard. And the Mushroom & Swiss has sautéed mushrooms, Swiss cheese and mayo.

When you compare these Angus Snack Wraps with all previous Snack Wraps, it makes the older varieties look as sad and pathetic as I do whenever I put on running shorts and walk around with my pale hairy legs exposed. Each Angus Snack Wrap has a nice heft and look much more substantial than the chicken and Big Mac Snack Wraps.

Because of their weight, I wondered if eating one could be more of a meal instead of a snack. But after chomping down the first one, I forgot about what I was trying to do and ate all three varieties in one sitting. I ended up consuming 2,800 milligrams of sodium, not including fries. It made me wish silly ol’ me looked up the nutrition facts before eating them, which might’ve prevented the gluttony and future high blood pressure.

Because I really enjoyed the Angus Third Pounder Burgers, I knew the likelihood of me enjoying the Angus Snack Wraps would be as high as the percentage of failed attempts to find love via reality shows. The Deluxe Angus Snack Wrap (view innards) tastes like a classic burger and every ingredient was noticeable. But none of them overpowers the others, even the red onions. It’s probably the most appetizing of the bunch because of the vegetables, which look surprisingly fresh. The Bacon & Cheese Angus Snack Wrap (view innards) is also very flavorful, but the bacon disappoints a little. While it’s a nice sized slice of bacon, it wasn’t noticeable enough when mixed with the stronger flavors of the mustard and ketchup. It was also extremely soggy, but that’s par when it comes to fast food bacon. As for the Mushroom & Swiss Angus Snack Wrap (view innards), I definitely could taste all of the major ingredients, especially the mushrooms. However, I think whoever made mine went all Duck Hunt with the mayo gun, since a lot of it oozed out from the Snack Wrap.

I like all three varieties, but a few items bother me about them. First of all, the patties are slightly dry, which isn’t surprising for McDonald’s and will probably never change. But despite being dry, I like the meat’s flavor, which is definitely of a higher quality and is better than the usual McDonald’s patties. Also, at $2.49 each, they seem a bit pricey. Fortunately, for most of you, because you don’t live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, you’ll be paying $1.99, which is what they’re worth.

Overall, I really enjoyed all three varieties of these slightly less guilty versions of McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders, and I believe they are the best menu items McDonald’s has in Snack Wrap form.

Just don’t eat all three of them in one sitting.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 wrap – Deluxe – 410 calories, 220 calories from fat, 25 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 20 grams of protein. Mushroom & Swiss – 430 calories 230 calories from fat, 26 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar and 22 grams of protein. Bacon & Cheese – 390 calories, 190 calories from fat, 21 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1080 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar and 21 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Angus Snack Wraps (Mushroom & Swiss, Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese)
Price: $2.49 each ($1.99 at most McDonald’s)
Size: Varies
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mushroom & Swiss)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Deluxe)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Bacon & Cheese)
Pros: McDonald’s best Snack Wraps. All three were very tasty. Captures almost all the flavors of their Angus Third Pounders. Their heft makes previous Snack Wrap varieties look sad and pathetic. Slightly less guilty than McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders. Lettuce and tomato in Deluxe were colorful and fresh.
Cons: Patties are slightly dry. Having to pay $2.49 for them and not $1.99 like most people. Great source of sodium and trans fat. Mushroom & Swiss had too much mayo. Bacon in the Bacon & Swiss was limp and was overpowered by the mustard and ketchup. My pale hairy legs in running shorts.

VIDEO REVIEW: Kool-Aid Laughin’ Lemonade FunFizz


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Show Notes:

In this episode, I review the Kool-Aid Laughin’ Lemonade Fun Fizz. Just like Carlos Mencia, it doesn’t make me laugh. Also, if you haven’t seen the Double Rainbow video (but I think most of you have), then a chunk of this episode won’t make sense. Go watch it! Finally, Read Junk Food Betty’s review of the Partyin’ Punch flavor.

Length: 3:37

Photo Credits:

Halley’s Comet photo via NASA

Other photos purchased via www.istockphoto.com.

The Impulsive Buy Turns Six!!!

Today is The Impulsive Buy’s sixth birthday.

I thought about shutting down TIB forever today because ending it on 8/9/10 at 11:12 am seemed pretty cool. But it shall live on since I just spent a few hundred dollars to renew TIB’s hosting fees for another two years. It shall also live on because even though I’ve written over 700 reviews, I still enjoy eating stuff I shouldn’t and then writing about it.

Each review I’ve created is like one of my illegitimate children. The companies provide the products and I fertilize it with my creativitity and ability to put words together. Soon after that happens, a new review is brought out into the world. Just like the illegitimate children of NBA players, the reviews I’ve written are all a little different, but you can tell who the father is. Yes, I’ve knocked up my fair share of companies over the years, and I’ll keep doing it as long as they’re willing to put out…products.

Or until I die from their products.

Thankfully, over the past few years it hasn’t been just me knocking up companies and spawning illegitimate reviews. TIB has had a number of wonderful reviewers contributing their thoughts on products that I either couldn’t get my hands on or was too scared to try. So I’d like to thank former and current reviewers Ace, Reprobate, Kayla, Stacey and Kelley for helping TIB become what it is today.

Finally, I would like to thank all of you — the readers of this quasi-product review blog.

Without you folks, TIB wouldn’t be where it’s at today, which I’m sure is somewhere towards the bottom of the Top 1,000,000 websites on the internet list. We’re way below YouTube and any porn website, but I’m pretty sure we’re slightly ahead of a Tumblr page that shows nothing but pictures of turtle asses. I truly appreciate you taking the time to stop by this small parcel of the World Wide Web to read product reviews that contain either profanity, fart jokes, slightly obscure geeky references, sexual innuendo, celebrity drug use/alcoholism/promiscuity references or a Brach’s pick-a-mix of any of the things I just listed.

Once again, thank you for reading The Impulsive Buy

Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

PS – If you’re a regular reader of TIB, you know we hold a prize drawing to celebrate TIB’s birthday. This year, those who enter will have a change to win one of six mystery boxes which contains products that TIB has reviewed over the years.

PPS – If you would like to enter the drawing, leave a comment with this post. You can say whatever you like, except the phrase “whatever you like.” If “whatever you like” is in your comment, your entry could be disqualified. However, the only instance when “whatever you like” will be accepted is if it’s immediately followed by the words, “Big Boy.”

PPPS – Please fill out the email field, because we’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing address.

PPPPS – We will stop accepting entries on Sunday, August 15, 2010 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to EVERYONE AROUND THE WORLD.

PPPPPS – The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about how to unlock your hidden potential in bed. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about a used car dealership’s Slasher Sale. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail or whatever cheesy movie SyFy comes up with next.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Cantina Tacos (Carnitas, Chicken and Steak)

When I saw that Taco Bell was going to start offering street-style tacos with their new line of Cantina Tacos, I immediately volunteered to be the test subject – er, reviewer – of this new product. I’m not trying to sound pretentious, but out of all of the esteemed TIB staff, I probably have the most experience in eating authentic Mexican cuisine. You can’t throw a rock in my town without hitting a taquería that looks like it was dropped straight outta Mexico. For you gringos out there who have no idea what a taquería is, it’s basically a small hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint offering super-authentic food. It may not be air-conditioned, it may look a little dingy, there might be some minor language barriers, but here you can find things like barbacoa (cow head meat) and lengua (cow tongue), offerings that I’m pretty sure you’ll never see on Taco Bell’s menu.

A brief explanation of what a street taco actually is: two small, soft corn tortillas (we’re talking three or four bites, here) wrapped around chopped meat, which is then covered with fresh onions and cilantro. You can also top that with whatever salsa is available, if you like. That’s it. There’s no iceberg lettuce, no nacho cheese sauce, no sour cream. They are called street tacos because traditionally they are sold from carts on the streets of Mexico, like hot dog vendors in New York. They are fast, fresh, and small enough to devour in two minutes, perfect for a hungry pedestrian. Oh, right, and they are also delicious.

According to Taco Bell’s press release, “‘Our Cantina Tacos are based upon authentic-style Mexican street tacos, which are designed using simple, fresh ingredients, that customers regard as high quality,’ said David Ovens, Chief Marketing Officer, Taco Bell Corp., Irvine, Calif.” I’m not sure if the meat I get in a street taco from a taquería would be considered “high-quality,” but it certainly is tasty. I don’t ask questions about where it comes from or what happens in the back alley after closing time. I just stuff the taco in my mouth and walk away.

Taco Bell is offering three different meats in their Cantina tacos: Premium Fire-Grilled Chicken, Premium Cut Carne Asada Steak or Carnitas Shredded Pork. I’ll give “Carne Asada Steak” a pass, but saying “Carnitas Shredded Pork” is basically saying “Shredded Pork Shredded Pork.” Someone alert the Department of Redundancy Department! I guess they are trying to save thousands of Midwestern Taco Bell employees from the task of explaining what carnitas are. I find it mildly insulting, but perhaps that’s my Mexican food snobbery kicking in again.

Let’s check these Cantina Tacos out, and see how many times I can insult the majority of the United States with my pretentiousness in one review.

Impressions on all three: The Cantina Tacos come wrapped in tin foil, which is how street tacos are originally sold. Unfortunately, they don’t come labeled, so you’ll have to check the innards to see which taco you’re about to eat. As you peel back the top layer of foil, there’s a little wedge of lime tucked securely into the bottom layer, which I found to be a clever bit of packaging. This could have been stolen wholesale from Mexican taco carts – I’ve somehow never made it south of the border. But my taquería experience is solid, and they always offer lime wedges at the salsa bar. I’ve just never thought try lime on my tacos. I never thought Taco Bell would teach me to have a more authentic street taco experience. I’m a little embarrassed, actually.

Okay, now let’s break these down separately.

Carnitas Cantina Taco

Taco Bell’s website describes these as “Two freshly grilled, warm corn tortillas, filled with new slow-roasted carnitas shredded pork then topped off with freshly chopped onions and cilantro, and served with a freshly sliced lime wedge for a fresh, citrus burst of flavor.”

I have to say, they aren’t too far off the mark. The pork is surprisingly tender, flavorful, and practically dripping with delicious juices. The onions add a nice crunch, but lack the burst of flavor that fresh onions deliver. The cilantro was present, but doesn’t really pop. I hate Taco Bell for making me sound like a judge on Top Chef.

The two tortillas holding the taco together were okay, but not exactly thrilling. They were soft and pliable, but could have used a little more time on the grill, or griddle, or whatever. Their flavor was that of a decent soft corn tortilla; however, that flavor kind of overwhelmed the flavor of the contents inside. I was left wishing I had about double the amount of filling that was present, especially since the meat was so juicy and tender.

The wedge of lime that came with my carnitas taco was disappointing. They claim that it was “freshly sliced,” which is obviously not the case. I have drank my fair share of tequila with training wheels, and I know that a freshly sliced wedge of lime is shiny and slick with yummy citrus juices. The one that came tucked in this foil pouch had a dried skin over it, indicating that it had either been sitting out for quite a while or was even possibly pre-sliced at a different location. I was only able to get a few sad drips out of it that didn’t really add anything to the taco.

This is something Taco Bell really should have been careful about, because it is one of their big selling points on the Cantina Tacos. Their commercial even has a lime wedge as their spokesfruit, touting the deliciousness of these tacos in a sexy Latino voice that belongs on the male protagonist of a telanovela. If you’re going to put so much emphasis on the lime, you should really make it shine, and the one I got with this taco certainly didn’t.

Chicken Cantina Taco

Once more, from the mouth of Taco Bell: actually, all the descriptions are pretty much the same as the one above, so just replace ” new slow-roasted carnitas shredded pork” with “marinated all-white meat chicken.” Done and done.

This taco had lots more filling than the carnitas, which was good to see. The chicken was very tender, and I could see the coloring from the supposed marination on it, but not a lot of seasoning came through. That’s okay though, because the meat had great texture, and the addition of more onion and cilantro really made them play well with the chicken.

This taco came with a much juicier lime, which allowed me to really get the whole street taco experience. I have to say, you wouldn’t think a little bit of lime would do much, but the tartness of the citrus juice contrasts with the bold flavors of onion and cilantro, and it really makes a whole package that floods your mouth with saliva. Which sounds kind of gross when I put it that way. “It’ll make ya mouth water!” I guess that works better.

The tortillas on my chicken Cantina Taco seemed to be a little better cooked, and because there was so much more filling than on the carnitas, the tortillas were able to take their proper place in the taco, adding more flavor instead of smothering the contents therein.

Steak Cantina Taco

Taco Bell: “marinated steak.” Okay then.

My steak Cantina Taco had lots of meaty bits in it, but the onion and cilantro were practically nonexistent, which made my face turn into a colon and “begin parentheses” sign. The steak was quite good, though. Taco Bell already offers several different products that contain steak, and I’ve always been impressed by the quality of the beef. You’d expect shoe leather from a Mexican fast food joint that sells something called a “Crunchwrap,” but they usually deliver a tasty steak experience, and that doesn’t differ in the case of this taco. The meat has a nice texture and you can definitely taste the marinade here, as opposed to the chicken.

While I was sad about the lack of toppings, I still managed to enjoy this taco because of the steak. I also got a lime that was middlin’ juicy, which added a little extra flavor, but it was probably sad that it didn’t have its friends to play with. Now I want to make a t-shirt design with a cartoon lime wedge, onion and bundle of cilantro all having a party and looking adorable. I’ll submit it to Threadless. It’s sure to be a hit.

Overall, Taco Bell’s Cantina Tacos have their ups and downs, but all in all I’d say they’re a fantastic addition to the fast food giant’s menu. It seems like Taco Bell has been mixing around the same six ingredients to make “new” menu items for years now, so seeing such a stark departure from that is actually exciting. Would they hold up in a cart on the mean streets of Mexico or in a taquería on the mean streets of Arizona? Eh, probably not. There’s a serious inconsistency in the amount of filling and the onion and cilantro are chopped much smaller than I’ve ever seen in a street taco. I’d go so far as to even guess that Taco Bell gets them pre-chopped; they’ve got some flavor, but it seems more muted than what you’d get on a street taco, where the onion is chunky and bursting with flavor, and you can tell the cilantro was fresh and chopped by hand.

But this isn’t about holding up to the standards of a good taquería. This is about a fast food conglomerate dipping its toe into the waters of authentic Mexican food. Many of the people who try these tacos have no idea what a street taco even is, and if you dropped them smack-dab in the middle of our friends to the south, they would probably try to order a Cantina Taco from a street cart. They might even be incensed that the vendor did not ask them which kind of Border sauce they would like with their order. And they would be laughed at, mercilessly.

So when it really comes down to it, I think Taco Bell did the best they could with their Cantina Tacos. Maybe the ingredients aren’t straight-from-the-market fresh, but you’ve got to cut them some slack – they’re a multimillion dollar corporation, not one old dude cooking the food he loves in the back of a hot little shack while his daughter takes orders up front. I think any gringo would find these tacos to be a refreshing change of pace and a new and unique flavor profile that they’ve never experienced. For that, Taco Bell gets great props from this reviewer, who is apparently the snobbiest Mexican food gringo in the world.

And hey, if Cantina Tacos really take off, maybe they’ll start introducing lengua tacos! Take THAT, Iowa! (Sorry, I just had to get one last jab in. I have no beef with you, Iowa.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 taco (113 grams) – Carnitas – 200 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams total of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars, 9 grams of protein. Chicken — 170 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2.5 grams total of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars, 11 grams of protein. Steak – 160 calories, 60 calories from fat, 2.5 grams total of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, 9 grams of protein.)

Other Cantina Taco reviews:
We Rate Stuff
Grub Grade
Would I Buy It Again
You Care What We Think
Geekweek (video)

Item: Taco Bell Cantina Tacos (Carnitas, Chicken, Steak)
Price: $2.79 for the CANTINA Tacos Bundle (2 tacos of choice), $1.49 for 1 taco
Size: 1 taco (113 grams)
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Carnitas)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chicken)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Steak)
Pros: Total departure from the usual Taco Bell fare. Teaching gringos about street tacos. Tender meat. Learning that lime juice makes a street taco even better. “Spokesfruit.” Cilantro is yummy. Adorable cartoon food.
Cons: Uneven distribution of fillings. Top Chef foodie terminology. Lime wedges were not fresh. Looking like a snob on the Internet. Genetic predisposition that makes some people think cilantro tastes like soap.