REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K Low-Fat Granola

Marvo 6 Comments

It looks like the Kellogg’s Special K lineup of low-calorie, low-fat products needs to go on its own Special K diet, because it’s getting quite large. How big? Let me put it this way. I believe it could get kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for being too obese.

I’d love to see Special K go on its own diet, because I want it to feel the misery that thousands of men and women (mostly women) have gone through to lose a few pounds in two weeks by eating the same shit over and over and over again for breakfast and lunch just so that women can fit into their wedding dresses and men can continue to think they look hot in a Speedo, but never did.

Also, while we’re talking about Kellogg’s products doing horrible things, I’d like to see Snap, Crackle and Pop enter an octagon ring and fight to the death while Tony the Tiger is trying to maul them.

Speaking of things getting beaten up, the new Kellogg’s Special K Low-Fat Granola looks like a Nature Valley granola bar after it’s been used to bitchslap someone. It has a touch of honey and claims to have 50 percent less fat than the leading granola and is an excellent source of fiber. Now I’m not going to check their claims because if their granola is made by bitchslapping people with granola bars, I don’t want to be the next person they bitchslap for double checking their facts.

The Special K Granola isn’t bad. It stays crunchy in milk, but it’s also good as a snack without milk. It has a light sweetness, thanks to the high fructose corn syrup, but not so much the honey. I wish they included some nuts or fruits to make it a little more hearty and add a little more flavor. Although, if Special K’s line of cereals is any indication, they’ll probably come out with a smorgasbord, or clusterfuck, if you will, of granola cereals with nuts and fruit in the future.

With the Special K Low-Fat Granola adding a bit more variety to the cereal line, I may try the Special K diet again just to see if I’d get sick of it and to find out if I can look hot in a European-cut Speedo.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup without milk – 190 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Low-Fat Granola
Price: $3.50
Size: 19.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A nice light sweetness. Stays crunchy in milk. Claims to have 50 percent less fat than the leading granola. Contains a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals. One-fifth of your daily recommended intake of fiber. Snap, Crackle and Pop fighting to the death.
Cons: No nuts. No fruits. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Me in a Speedo. Any man in a Speedo. Soooo many Special K products. Being bitchslapped by a granola bar.

NEWS: MorningStar Farms Hot And Spicy Veggie Sausage Tries Burning You To Make You Forget It’s Not Meat

Marvo 12 Comments

It’s fitting to see a company named MorningStar Farms come out with a hot and spicy version of their veggie breakfast sausages, since Morning Star is another name for Lucifer, who likes hot and spicy places.

MorningStar Farms Hot & Spicy Veggie Sausage Patties are seasoned with herbs and spices, like crushed red pepper, red bell peppers, black pepper and cayenne pepper. I’ve had their original veggie sausage patties, which I’ve enjoyed, and their maple-flavored variety, which tastes just like the original ones, and since I likey the spicy, I’ll probably enjoy these.

A box of MorningStar Farms Hot & Spicy Veggie Sausage Patties contains six patties. Each hot and spicy patty contains 70 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 130 milligrams of potassium, 3 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber and 8 grams of protein.

NEWS: Ben & Jerry’s New Boston Cream Pie Flavor Probably Thinks Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk Is Wicked Retahded

Marvo 9 Comments

I’ve eaten a lot of fattening foods in my short lifetime, which have probably shortened my lifespan, but I’ve never had a Boston Cream Pie.

When I went to the all-knowing Wikipedia to learn about it, I found out it’s actually a cake.

Or is it? I’m so confused.

Well at least I know for sure the Ben & Jerry’s Boston Cream Pie Ice Cream is ice cream and eating a whole pint in one sitting is wicked retarded. The ice cream is made up of Boston Cream Pie-flavored ice cream with yellow cake pieces, fudge flakes and pastry cream swirls.

A 1/2 cup serving contains 250 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Harajuku Lovers Fragrance G

Kayla 8 Comments

I hate change.

Yes, I know change can be a good thing, but I hate when the things I grew up with morph into something so unrecognizable that I have to question whether or not I’m in an alternate universe where Taylor Swift is regarded as talented.

Gwen Stefani is on that list. She was a source of inspiration for myself and many girls of my generation who were too young to remember Joan Jett, but still wanted to rock out with their non-cock out. Now, she’s the source of me questioning, “What the fuck?” Sure, she has popped out a couple of kids and no longer does pushups on stage, but she has gotten stranger and stranger over the years. Compared to Lady Gaga, Gwen is a mild mannered soccer mom, but her odd obsession with Japan and Harajuku Girls is just too hard to not question whether this chick is playing with a full deck.

Her obsession started five years ago when she accessorized with four Japanese girls, claiming they were her “backup singers,” but I’m sure they aren’t even allowed to say a peep when Gwen is in earshot. Her second fashion line (Remember when celebrities had one fashion line and that was cutting edge), Harajuku Lovers makes anything by Sanrio seem like it’s appropriate for Hells Angels to wear when they go road tripping.

Harajuku Lovers Fragrance G is no different. Basically, the bottle isn’t a bottle at all, but rather a massive cap that looks like a cartoon version of Ms. Stefani. G is her signature scent, but there’s also Love, Lil’ Angel, Music and Baby to represent her “backup singers.”

Despite the child-like packaging, the perfume has a wonderful scent of coconut, jasmine and some sandalwood. I will admit to looking at the notes for this fragrance on Sephora’s website, but I could identify a coconutty smell right off the bat. Coconut perfumes can be a gamble, because if there’s too much fruit going on, you might smell like a stripper, but G doesn’t do that. Some fragrances fade away after a few hours of wear, but G has some stamina and I can still smell it after a long day.

When I purchased it, it came with a compact of solid perfume, so for the price it’s pretty good, but the bottle is pretty pathetic. I know you’re not supposed to bathe in perfume like your great aunt does, but having only one ounce won’t last you very long if you use it as your daily scent.

To sum it up, Ms. Stefani is making you pay for packaging. Extremely cute weird packaging that would only appeal to little girls, or twenty-something professionals who still decorate their work binders with Lisa Frank stickers. But if you look beyond the bottle and how strange Gwen has gotten over the years, then you have a wonderful perfume that would smell good on anyone — including strippers.

Item: Harajuku Lovers Fragrance G
Price: $50.00 (with solid perfume)
Size: 1 ounce
Purchased at: Macy’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Long lasting scent. Coconut isn’t too overpowering. Rocking out with your non-cock out. Gwen Stefani circa 1996. Lisa Frank being cool when you were six. Hells Angels wearing Hello Kitty leather jackets. Strippers that smell like sweet coconut.
Cons: Packaging is way too gimmicky. Small quantity for the price. Gwen Stefani post-No Doubt. Thinking Lisa Frank is still cool past the age of six. Price isn’t budget friendly. Strippers that smell like Marlboros and cheap whiskey.

REVIEW: Pringles Family Faves (Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop, Taco Night)

Marvo 11 Comments

Pringles’ new line of potato crisps, Family Faves, are more family friendly than family favorites, because the line is made up of extremely safe flavors — Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop and Taco Night.

Nothing weird. Nothing exotic. Nothing crazy. Nothing a wee bit fucked up. They’re so safe, I’m surprised each can of Pringles Family Faves doesn’t come with a Trojan Magnum XL condom wrapped around it.

If I sound disappointed, I am, because I want Pringles flavors that blow my mind, like I’m reading through an issue of Mental Floss. They shouldn’t be hard to produce since they already make mind-blowing flavors in other countries, like Grilled Shrimp Pringles, Wasabi Pringles, Sausage Pringles, Grilled Shrimp and Pepper Pringles, Prawn Cocktail Pringles, Seaweed Pringles, Soft Shell Crab Pringles, Balsamic Vinegar Pringles, Bacon Caesar Salad Pringles, Spanish Salsa Pizza Pringles and Cream Cheese Pringles. Seriously, whose Pringles can do I have to stroke in order to get American Pringles factories to pump out flavors as unique as these?

Until then, or until I have enough disposable income to pay six dollars plus ten dollars shipping to purchase a foreign flavor of Pringles off of eBay, I’m going to have to settle for whatever lame ideas Pringles in America come up with to help me be the best couch potato I can be.

If I had to choose a fave between all the Pringles Family Faves, I’d pick the Cheddar BBQ. It smells like barbecue Lays potato chips, but its flavor is a bit different. There’s a tanginess with a little bite. The cheddar flavor is definitely noticeable, and when combined with the tanginess of the BBQ flavor, they make a decent Pringles.

As for the other two, the Taco Night version tastes like someone dumped a packet of taco seasoning in a can of Pringles, shook the can and then yelled “TA DA!” I thought the taco flavoring was a little too strong, making it not as once-you-pop-you-can’t-stoppable as most Pringles flavors. While the Taco Night flavor may be a bit too strong, the flavor of the White Cheddar Pop was a bit too light. At times the white cheddar flavor was so light, it was like I was eating regular Pringles. Despite its name, the White Cheddar Pop flavor didn’t taste like actual popcorn.

Although, if it did, that probably would’ve blown my mind.

(Nutrition Facts- 1 ounce/16 crisps – Cheddar BBQ – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein. White Cheddar Pop – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein. Taco Night – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 210 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Pringles Family Faves (Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop, Taco Night)
Price: $1.49 each
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Cheddar BBQ)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (White Cheddar Pop)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Taco Night)
Pros: Comes in Super Stack cans. Cheddar BBQ was tasty. No trans fats. Nutrition facts and ingredients list are also in Spanish. Foreign Pringles flavors. Mental Floss.
Cons: Flavor choices aren’t exciting. Flavor of the Taco Night was a bit too strong. Flavor of the White Cheddar Pop was a bit too strong. The families that chose these faves. Having to stroke someone’s Pringles can in order to get stuff done.