REVIEW: Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash

Marvo 7 Comments

Dear James Cameron,

I’ve never seen your billion dollar blockbuster Titanic. You can blame Celine Dion for that. But I recently paid over fifteen dollars to watch your latest billion dollar blockbuster Avatar in 3D, so it seems you finally got your money from me that you should’ve gotten with Titanic. Even though I gave up the possibility of eating three Subway footlong sandwiches to watch your movie, I would like to thank you for creating Avatar.

I’m not thanking you because I think Avatar is the greatest movie ever, nor am I thanking you for giving me a strong geek hard-on that I haven’t had since my lightsaber rose with excitement before seeing The Phantom Menace. I’m thanking you because I can now use your movie to help me describe the new Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash.

If Avatar didn’t exist, I would’ve used the Smurfs or the Blue Man Group.

Now you might be thinking about how I can connect your movie with the Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash. Let me teach you, white-haired one, like how you taught me that I should pee before seeing any three-hour long movie.

The Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash comes in blue color that looks like it could be a Na’vi body fluid. I’m not sure which one, but I guess we may find out in the extra scenes of the Avatar DVD or if the porn industry ever makes an erotic parody of your movie, which will probably either be called Assatar or Analtar. Whichever comes out first, I just hope it’s in high-definition 3D.

The body wash didn’t have a strong scent and it dissipated quickly after I finished my shower, but it’s a pleasant scent that I thought was kind of woodsy. Actually, if you created a way for the audience to smell a movie during your crazy attempt the recreate how films are made, I might be able to say it smells like the Na’vi Hometree. But you didn’t, you underachiever.

Much like how I was stunned by how hot Sigorney Weaver’s avatar looked, I was surprised the product is a combination of body and face wash. Usually, I’ve seen products that combine a body wash with a shampoo, which is probably something more useful to you since you’ve got that mop on your head. I’m not sure what makes it so special that it can also be labeled a face wash. It could be the “micromoisture” technology, but technically any soap can be a face wash.

If you decide that you want to wash yourself with a body wash that looks like a Na’vi body fluid, the Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash is probably your best choice. It smells good, rinses off easily and you might be able to use it as a prop in the Avatar sequel.

Thanks again for making Avatar!

Sincerely,

Marvo

Item: Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash
Price: $4.49
Size: 13.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant woodsy scent. Not a strong scent, so you don’t reek of Na’vi body fluid. Rinses off easily. It’s a combination body and face wash. Sigorney Weaver’s avatar.
Cons: Looks like a Na’vi body fluid. Slightly pricey. Scent doesn’t last very long. Having to hold in your pee until the end of the movie. The eventual porn parody of Avatar. Celine Dion.

NEWS: Latest Slurpee Flavor Tries To Cool Gamers But It’s Kind of A N00b

Marvo 6 Comments

The latest flavor of Slurpee, the God of War Kratos Fury Blackberry Lime, seems like it’s trying to give brain freeze to gamers. If you’re not familiar with the God of War video game franchise, you can learn about its background by watching the eventual shitty movie adaptation of it, which you could add to your Netflix queue, if all of your choices have a long wait and you don’t want to watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

For a Slurpee that’s meant for gamers, it’s disappointing to find out it has no caffeine in it. I don’t think a caffeine-free Slurpee promoting a video game, would appeal to gamers because without sweet, sweet caffeine they won’t be able to stay up until the same time most people wake up. Heck, I bet this God of War Slurpee doesn’t even appeal to a God of War because it lacks blood and violence.

REVIEW: Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches

Marvo 6 Comments

Despite the fact that the corn flakes in any Honey Bunches of Oats cereal gets soggy faster than the armpits of the shirt I wear when I go running, I enjoy most of the varieties of Honey Bunches of Oats.

I guess the crunch from the oats make up for the limp flakes or maybe I’m just tired of women passing by me in the grocery store and giving me the you-must-be-a-virgin-look when they see boxes of Froot Loops and Count Chocula in my cart.

While I still like to buy cereals usually loved by eight-year-olds, I’m grateful for Honey Bunches of Oats because it helped me transition over to healthier cereals, like Raisin Bran and whatever wholesomeness Kashi pumps out to get their 7 Whole Grains into our bodies.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches is the latest in a long line of Honey Bunches of Oats cereals. With so many varieties, I guess you can say there’s a bunch of Honey Bunches of Oats. And if you were hanging out with 1980s superduo, Hall & Oates, because you find Oates’ mustache mesmerizing, I guess you could say there’s a bunch of Honey Bunches of Oats, John Oates.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches is by far not horrible tasting, but it doesn’t taste any different than regular Honey Roasted Honey Bunches of Oats. If you were to blindfold me with a Members Only jacket you stole from John Oates, or blindfold me with his huge mustache, and had me eat from a bowl of regular Honey Bunches of Oats and the Pecan Bunches version, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. The pecan flavor is almost non-existent, so I’m wondering if Post actually tried the cereal.

If you’re trying to accomplish a gastronomical equivalent of barhopping by trying to eat every single variety of Honey Bunches of Oats, you should go ahead and eat a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches. But if you love pecan, like I love the feel of melted wax on my skin, you will disappointed.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cups without milk – 110 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 17 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches
Price: $5.39
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Not horrible tasting. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. Melted wax on my skin. John Oates’ mustache. Combing John Oates’ mustache. Being the comb that combs John Oates’ mustache.
Cons: Pecan bunches don’t have much flavor. Tastes just like regular Honey Roasted Honey Bunches of Oats. Flakes get soggy really fast. The pitiful amount of honey in it would piss Winnie the Pooh off.

REVIEW: Sheetz Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino

Kayla 17 Comments

(NOTE: Part of this review is written in “Sheetz Speak.”)

I livez in Philadelphia, which iz Wawa country. I lovez my Wawa just az much az I lovez my Philliez, but recentlyz I wanted to seez what the fusz waz aboutz over the central and western Pennsylvania’z version of Wawa, which iz Sheetz. Az a huge Wawa fan, I waz skeptical of Sheetz and I feltz guilty to cheatz on my beloved.

Howeverz, despite the cheezy way of using Z’s instead of S’s like they’re trying to appeal to the kidz, Sheetz iz slightly better bcuz you can actually eatz your made-to-order food at most Sheetz locationz. Yez, you can actually take your date to a gaz station for a romantic dinner of made-to-order subz, wrapz and coffeez.

If you really want to impress, perhaps go for the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino.

I was thirsty for a 32-ounce fountain Diet Dr Pepper when I entered Sheetz, but when I saw the little decal on the DIY Cappuccino… ahem, I mean Cupo’ccino machine, my thirst for something ice cold disappeared. This hot liquid is a Keystone state powerhouse; not only does it come from Sheetz, but it’s Tastykake-flavored. I think the only thing that could possibly trump this would be a scrapple-flavored Cupo’ccino served in a plastic Phillies (or Pirates) helmet that Dairy Queen used to use for their sundaes (I ALWAYS got the damn Montreal Expos). Or maybe a cheesesteak-flavored cupo’ccino served inside of the Liberty Bell. Luckily for this non-native Pennsylvanian, scrapple or cheesesteak flavor is not available as a beverage choice in the Cupo’ccino machine at Sheetz.

The drink comes out steaming hot, but extremely watery looking. It wasn’t promising, especially how I was fantasizing how good this thing was going to be after discovering one of my favorite snack cakes morphed into a drinkable concoction found only at a glorified gas station (Yes, it’s also a restaurant, but it IS technically a gas station).

Hotter than a freakin’ supernova when it hits your tongue, the Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino isn’t as yummy as a heavily sweetened pseudo coffee beverage can be. I’ve had my fair share of hot chocolates and phony cappuccinos from Sheetz’s rival, and they’re always good. Yes, they have enough sugar to rot your teeth and gums, but they still have substance. The Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino would have been better if it wasn’t so thin. It had the potential to be creamy and good.

Maybe it was running out and I got short changed. Since it’s only $1.39, I might be willing to give it another try if I’m ever near a Sheetz. Then again, I’ll probably go for that fountain Diet Dr Pepper, or just splurge a dollar more and order one of their barista style coffees. Oh, excuse me, coffeez.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 300 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 38 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Sheetz Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpet Cupo’ccino
Price: $1.39
Size: 16 ounces (medium)
Purchased at: Sheetz
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It’s Tastykake flavored. Being able to sit down at a gas station and eat a meal. Baseball helmet sundaes. Possibility of using the Liberty Bell to serve liquids. DIY coffee machines.
Cons: Super watery. The god-awful way they spell items at Sheetz. Tons of sugar and fat. Always getting the Montreal Expos sundae helmet. Doesn’t taste butterscotchy enough.

NEWS: Pepto-Bismol InstaCool Still Can’t Make Getting Diarrhea Cool

Marvo 5 Comments

For my heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, nausea and diarrhea, I trust Pepto-Bismol. But only because it rhymes with rectal dismal. I have a lot of faith in medications that rhyme with a symptom I’m feeling.

Their latest product is Pepto-Bismol with InstaCool, which are chewable tablets with a peppermint flavor and cooling sensation. According to Pepto-Bismol, the peppermint and cooling feeling, “lets you know relief is on the way.”

But their old products did the same thing. I think the chalkiness of their original tablets and the sludge-like liquid Pepto-Bismol sliding down my digestive system are great ways to let me know relief is on the way.

Pepto-Bismol with InstaCool is available in quantities of 30 tablets.